That Most Heinous of Crimes
by Another Reader
Summary: Someone else is parachuted into being the sensei for team 7. He slings webs and wears glasses. And summons spiders to face hug annoying student's faces. He's Tsume-san, and he'd like to know what he's doing in a shonen manga. A collaboration based on Andrew Joshua Talon's work!
1. Chapter 1

Forward: After updating Life Starts at 16, I got a review from Andrew Joshua Talon. If you've not come across that name, I suggest you search it, he has a massive library of fics across several fandoms, and I've been a fan for years. We got to talking, and he suggested I could adopt a story of his if I wanted. I was extremely honored, and at first I wasn't sure I could do any of his stories justice, but I knew exactly which one I wanted if I went through with it: That Most Heinous of Crimes.

The Self Insert is an interesting subgenre. I've only read a few, though I've recently become aware that it's gotten to be a much bigger subject than I thought. It's also going to be odd to take over someone else's SI. While this started as a SI, Andoryuu is now his own character, neither AJT nor myself.

Though I started to take it over at first, this is now a collaborative project, and we're both working on it. We've got a few totally new chapters ready for nitpicking, and feel ready to post the early stuff.

AndrewJTalon here. My fanfiction writing has often been up and down, and I really hate leaving stories unfinished. So I'm very proud to be working with a fellow writer who is talented and patient enough to work with me to bring this story back to life, and hopefully, to a satisfying conclusion. Or failing that, to at least entertain everyone with a story about a guy way in over his head trying to save a world by being that most underappreciated of things: A good teacher. Enjoy.

••••••••••

You know, you'd think being in an entirely different universe would involve a big transition. A lot of denial, maybe a spot of freaking out.

Probably some therapy. Lord knows the folks around here could use it.

But at the end of the day, Konohagakure is a city like any other. It has people. Mean, hateful people, kind and generous people. Hardworking and lazy, boisterous and shy. Fat people, tall people, beautiful people, ugly people. Although, being a city of ninja, there are a _lot_ of really fit men and women.

It is different though. Despite being relatively urban, there wasn't the dark malaise that you can sometimes feel hanging over modern cities. No, there's a different spirit here, that of a populace between rural and urban. Fortunately without most of the problems of suburbia. Perhaps it was like this in the big cities right after the industrial revolution back in my old world?

Hell, it reminds me a lot of the naval base housing I grew up in when my father taught at the naval academy. Everybody there had someone in the military, or was in the military themselves. Everybody had an opinion on history or the government. Everyone wanted their husband, wife, son, daughter, whoever, to come back safely after their next mission.

Even me. Well, _this_ me. It was the little things that let me stay sane the moment I woke up here, memories of two worlds bouncing around in my brain.

My father: Retired military, math genius, and a bit absent minded. Despite the change in the setting and the culture, he remained my father. My brother, the closeted homosexual: Working as a lawyer, dressing up as a woman and going down to the red light district when he thought nobody was looking, still a total and complete bitch to me and anyone he found beneath him. A bit exaggerated, and a bit more disturbing here, but the fundamentals remained the same. Admittedly the crossdressing was unique to this world, at least as far as I was aware.

And me. There were differences. Good ones, bad ones, but fundamentally? No change. Obviously having ninja magic was a rather large difference. But ultimately superficial in defining who I was. The probabilities were insane, the implications disturbing.

Unless _I_ was insane. But Nihilism is boring and unproductive. I was here. This was me. Unless in a few months I woke up back home again. If that happened, I would pick myself back up and do that again. What else could I do?

Still, I think the thing that made the transition easiest wasn't my neat, awesome powers. Nor the respect I had, earned through hard work. It was, quite simply, the fact that I had a purpose. A reason for being. A direction in life beyond meandering through college trying to figure out what to do.

I stared into the mirror. Age 27, a jounin of Konohagakure for less than a week. Due to head down to pick up a genin team from the Academy in a few hours, and see if they have what it takes to go the distance. I adjust my glasses, run my hand through the same messy brown hair.

I find myself looking at my reflection, and smiling like I haven't in years. I'm _somebody_ here. Not in awards or money but to _people_.

Really, is there anything else you can ask for?

Aside from a girlfriend. Or a wife.

Both of which I lack in this world. Nothing new, unfortunately.

"_Ah well,"_ I think, memories bumping around, triggering new ones of this world, "_I have the time, I have the means. And best of all," _ I grinned, "_I won't have Team Seven!"_

I let out a chuckle. I wanted no part of trying to save the world. Things would work out more or less. Sure people would die, but that happened before I wound up here, and would continue after I died. Hopefully not for several more decades. I mean, I wouldn't leave everyone to the dogs. I could probably help here and there, but I wasn't going to try and out plot the movers and shakers of this world. I would end up in one of Ibiki's special chairs real quick if I decided to take advantage of the Plot.

Though perhaps I could win the affection of this world's version of my crush before she married that ass.

I blinked, more memories trickling through. No. They had married here too. Can't have everything, I suppose.

But! A fresh perspective, a different viewpoint, a new world and life laid out in front of me. So, I was going to take it and do the best I could.

I would find greatness in my students, even if it killed them! No matter who they were!

My name is Tsume Andoryuu. Er, now. And even with the dangers of this world, I have to admit- I'm looking forward to the future.

••••••••••

I have a few hours before I needed to pick up my new team. I was going to use this time making sure I could actually be a jounin without slipping and breaking my neck, or holding the wrong end of a kunai.

I've never parkoured before. Well, my Other does it all the time. And thankfully, it seems to be instinctual. I remember how to do it, and I don't really have to think about it. That bodes well. I headed to a rarely frequented training area and quickly managed to confirm that I can also do jutsu, and no, I won't be stabbing myself by accident.

I lacked the time for more self-exploration, so I headed to the academy with the knowledge that at least I won't be an embarrassment to myself.

••••••••••

"Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke. Team 7, instructor: Tsume Andoryuu!"

Naruto's whoop of joy, Ino and Sasuke's groans of dissapointment, and Sakura's rapidly shifting excitement and despair were all cut through by one reaction.

"Oh fuck me!"

Everyone is staring at me. So much for not being an embarrassment.

"Er, Great? Follow me."

This world is doomed.

••••••••••

I led them to the playground. I'm not Kakashi. No point blindly emulating him, or canon. I used the walking time to corral my panicky thoughts.

This wasn't the end of the world. I quickly re-assessed my situation, and decided that in a way, this was a position of power. These three had enormous potential, the old me had more knowledge of Naruto canon and fan ideas than he would have admitted to in public, and I had real, first-hand technical skills and knowledge due to being a jounin.

This was workable.

We sat down in the middle of the playground. Which was more like an outdoor gym and activity center really.

"Well. Here we are. Why don't we go around and introduce ourselves?"

I won't blindly follow canon, but how could I pass this up?

"Introduce ourselves?" Sakura asked. I nodded.

"Well, shouldn't you go first then, sensei?" Sakura asked. Her voice had a kind of... Hermione-ish quality to it. Which made it slightly annoying. It was ironic that the characteristics that made Hermione one of the most competent young characters in their story made Sakura rather lacking at first in this one.

"Nope," I said simply. "Go for it, Pinky." I just wanted more time to think.

In an anime, it's difficult to determine ethnicity aside from really obvious cues, like skin color, due to the limitations of art. In the world itself though, everything was real. Naruto, for instance, was more European in his appearance. The anime made his hair much brighter than it actually is- it was a darker blonde, slightly lighter than Mark Hamill's. Other than his whisker marks, you could lose him in any city in the US, really. Closer observation though hinted at some Asian features, particularly around his eyes.

Sasuke looked like a protagonist out of a Final Fantasy game. Again, that odd mixture of European and Asian features, though in him the Asian aspects dominated slightly. Sakura was slimmer and more delicate than the boys, naturally, but European features dominated. She reminded me a bit of a French girl I once met on exchange, only in better physical condition. The anthropologist in me was furiously speculating about the ethnic migrations and possible reasons for this, as Sakura introduced herself.

It was a speech I had heard, or read, dozens of times, though usually with a few variations. I don't remember the script word for word, but she certainly hit all the main bullet points.

I nodded. "Thank you. Naruto?"

Naruto started his introduction.

Ah. Wow. He was annoying all right. For better or for worse though, he was the crux of everything. Sure, Sasuke would play a large role, but if I could prevent him from defecting... Well, there was time to think about that later.

"Well, you're certainly enthusiastic enough. Finally, Sasuke, a few words?"

Sasuke was in a gendo pose, which was most amusing, and on his young frame, adorable.

"... to kill a certain man."

Huh. He had actually said it.

There was a lot of debate over whether Kakashi was as brilliant a teacher as he was with everything else, or if he was lazy, selfish human with a narrow but extreme competency in his profession. I still don't know, not having many memories of him myself, but it was clear he wasn't very nurturing. I decided then and there that I wouldn't just teach them. Two of my students were orphans. They needed a family. Sakura needed a reality check.

"Sensei? You still haven't gone yet."

Sakura of course.

Right. "Well. My name is Tsume Andoryuu," I began. "I like many things, I dislike many things, and I have a number of hobbies which are related to my goal. Which is..." And here I stood up dramatically and gave them all a manic grin.

"To ransom the world for _one_ _million _Ryu!" I finished with my hand upside down and my pinky in my mouth.

I received blank stares.

Tough crowd.

"Really?" Naruto asked.

"No. To much work. I'll be satisfied with turning you three into the best ninja you can be. How's that sound?"

"Better?" Sakura hazarded.

Sasuke had the look of the last sane man in a Monty Python sketch. Sakura seemed much the same.

First impressions are so important. I wondered if I should have been a bit more serious. But what the hell, we're going to be together for years.

"Well. I think it's time for some lunch. I'm buying."

I couldn't tell if this was going to be the most fun I'd ever have, or utter hell. Only one way to find out though.

••••••••••

The Elemental Countries are very, very weird. You thought your glimpse into them from the manga or anime side was weird? You haven't even touched on the weirdness. Kishimoto is an interesting, though far from perfect, world builder, but I was _in _the elemental countries. I'm not going to think about the metaphysical ramifications of which came first, the reality or the writer, especially as I might be drooling in the corner of an asylum, but let's just assume his muse somehow tapped into another plane of existence. We never got to see how things really _worked_.

Just as the ninja in _Naruto_ are very unconventional, so too is the Daimyo very unlike a traditional Daimyo. The closest approximation I can draw is a kind of mix between king, chairman, and prime minister.

Fire Country itself is like if the Greek city-states joined together into a semi-democratic state, with each state being regulated to keep what they were best at what they were best at. And the central government had a lot of influence from modern China. These prefectures/states had a lot of autonomy, as long as they kept up certain quotas of taxes and kept to established regulations and laws, and even got a say in the day to day running of the central government. There was a constitution and a sort of "contract" between the Daimyo and his citizens, not that dissimilar to the Magna Carta or a Bill of Rights, that essentially stated that as long as the Daimyo did a good job as the commander of the armed forces and the chief executive, he kept his job. Suits that he was not doing his job properly could be brought before a high court, and a council of judges (who were maintained by popular vote through their version of a legislature) would examine the Daimyo's record. If he was not fulfilling obligations, the government would negotiate and work out a new contract with the Daimyo for him to keep to his obligations. If he couldn't fulfill his contract, he'd be dismissed and a new Daimyo candidate (generally a member of a wealthy family or a highly ranked military commander) would be applied for general election-But the judge's council had the final say on the Daimyo's appointment, which could be overruled by the Head of the Diet calling for…

Gods above, just thinking about it gave me a headache. It was an odd amalgam of democracy, oligarchy, autocracy, corporatism, meritocracy... Their constitution was a mess. And yet, somehow, it all worked. Trust me though, I think a shonen manga was better off not getting into all of this.

In the here-and-now though, Naruto was still pouting that we weren't eating ramen for lunch. I was salivating over all the memories of authentic foreign (to me) cuisine available, and I'd seen beef rendang on a sign the way over, and dammit, I wanted one. Still he seemed to be enjoying his food. Sasuke had gotten something simple and was eating methodically, while Sakura was picking at her extra-large serving I had ordered for her and trying to eat as little as possible.

And me? I was thinking about how I got into this mess. Rumor had it that Hatake Kakashi was going to get Team 7, and in a ninja village, the more denied a rumor, the more likely it was true. I also had my own knowledge of the manga and anime. Kakashi was the guy they picked in canon, and the reasoning held up; at least in theory.

He was arguably the strongest ninja in Konoha save the Hokage and the Sannin, he had the Sharingan, he had that connection to the Fourth Hokage... Really, with the rookie of the year being Sasuke, and a jinchuuriki in the team, how could it be anyone BUT Kakashi?

Which left me wondering how the hell I got stuck with Team 7. Did some god consider it ironic? Well, it was. Horribly ironic. Downright hilarious, if you thought about it.

"So, what will you be teaching us first, sensei?" Sakura cut through my musings.

I sighed, and looked at her bowl. I knew it was a cliché, but I couldn't help myself. I know in my heart of hearts that if I ever wake up in the Potterverse, I will own a trunk that's bigger on the inside than the outside. Sometimes clichés exist because of common sense.

"Well, first I'm going to make you clean your plate. Ninja use a lot of calories. Have you ever seen a fat ninja outside the Akimichi clan?"

Sakura's mouth hung open.

"Good, that's step one. Now put the food into it-"

"Andoryuu!"

I managed to resist the urge to twitch, and plastered a happy smile on my face as I looked up. "Hello, Ben."

The genin turned their heads to gawk at the bear-like man in woman's clothing who stood before our table. The smile on his face was as fake as mine, and _just_ failed to make me want to vomit given how his makeup was applied.

"Aw, is that all you have to say to your brother? Especially when I brought you something special!" Ben pouted. Sakura, Naruto and even Sasuke's eyes all widened.

"Br-Brother?!" Sakura squeaked. I gave a little shrug.

"This is Benji, my brother. As you can see, he's a very... Colorful individual," I said calmly. Benji smirked at me.

"So diplomatic and reserved, it's rather cute." He looked over at my students with a wink. "Don't buy it, he's actually a nutjob."

"_He's_ the nutjob?" Naruto blurted out.

"Now now, Naruto, it takes all types." I said. "No throwing stones. I know all about your 'Sexy jutsu'."

The blonde looked indignant. "That's different! It's for use AGAINST perverts, not some-!"

"WHAT?! That's the most perverted jutsu ever! And it's stupid!" Sakura butted in suddenly. Sasuke looked as though he'd rather be anywhere else. At the moment, I agreed completely. So I decided to try and nip this in the bud.

"Ben, you had something for me, right? What is it?" I asked. Ben grinned, and produced a box from his dress.

"This!" He set it down with a beam. "Just got it from the publishers."

"You were going through my mail again weren't you," I sighed. Ben shrugged.

"We are brothers... And besides, you do it to me all the time!"

"I do it because I know how to tell the difference between a bomb and a box of chocolates from your latest paramour," I said flatly, quickly checking the box for any traps. Jounin training said it was safe, so did instinct. So, with a slash of a kunai, I opened the package.

"What's that?" Naruto asked. I opened the box, and picked up the book within. I allowed myself a little smile.

"So, he published a new one huh?"

"Yep!" Ben said brightly. He took the book and presented it to us all, like a butch, cross-dressing Vanna White. Ooh, now there's an image. Or a nightmare.

"_Strategic Considerations for Future Conflicts,_ by Tusume Rei?" Sakura read, her eyes widening in realization. "Wait, you're _that_ Tusume?"

"No, that's my father," I explained patiently. Sasuke and Naruto both looked lost, and Sakura looked like she was about to have a nerdgasm.

"I-I did a whole report on his book _Treatise on Joint Operations!_ I love his writing!"

"Huh? Who? What?" Naruto asked. Before Sakura could rant at Naruto for being stupid, I quickly interjected.

"My dad was an officer in the Fire Army and acted as a liaison and strategic planner during the Third Shinobi War," I quickly explained. "He also taught mathematics and some strategy classes, and writes books about how wars are fought and managed."

"I didn't know you two were related," Sakura said happily. "Can-Can I read this book?"

"Sure, it's my copy after all," I said, handing it over to her. Naruto frowned.

"Strategic... Joint Operations...?"

"Yeah... Put pretty simply, there's a lot more to fighting than just, you know, fighting," I explained. "Though it depends on what level you're planning at. It is a good thing to learn, however, if you're going on to, say, Hokage." I grinned at the eager light that glinted in Naruto's eyes. Sasuke was only marginally interested.

"Tell me more!"

"Oh, don't let him start, kid," Ben interjected. "He'll talk your head off about how this general did such and such, and how population numbers mean something something. It'll bore you to tears."

"But I want to learn! What would you know about it anyway?" Naruto demanded.

"Well, I know that orange clashes so badly with your skin I'm getting a headache just from looking at you," Ben replied glibly. "Can't be helpful as a ninja. Your enemies will target you first to end the pain." Mentally I groaned. _Shit, Naruto, you fool, he's going on a rant!_

"Well duh, that's why I wear it. Everyone's already glaring at me, they can have a headache for their troubles," Naruto said with a smirk.

Huh. Go figure.

This actually made my brother pause for a moment, but he was already on a roll. "Speaking of, the broody one! He looks like an anemic vampire, he's so pale! You aren't going to let him stay that way, right Andoryuu? And his hair! His dress sense! UGH! He could be smiling brightly right now and he'd still be taken for emo!"

Sasuke glowered. Ben prattled on, Sakura his next target.

"But you darling! Oh! I love your hair, truly I do! You take such good care of it!"

"Oh? I-I do?" Sakura was interrupted from defending her crush by the flattery. "Well, um, th-thank you!"

"But the dress! Oh, the dress. Quite a risk dear, you look like a... How shall I put this delicately? Like you decided to work early in the red lantern district," Ben said. Sakura gaped.

"I WHAT?! M-My mother made me this dress!"

"Oh? The pink hair... Oh my! You're Mebuki's little girl, aren't you? Oh, I meet her up downtown all the time!"

"Downtown?!" Sakura gasped.

Naruto blinked. "Wait... Are you saying Sakura's mom is a prostitute?"

"MY MOTHER IS NOT A PROSTITUTE!" Sakura screeched, whacking Naruto over the head.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, dearie! Mebuki does wonderful things!" Ben tried.

"MY MOTHER IS NOT A PROSTITUTE!"

I sighed, and looked across the table at Sasuke. He looked back. I shot him a look that told him I knew _exactly_ where he was and how he was feeling... And, strangely enough, I got one back.

I guess those with siblings do have a connection... Even if one is a crazed genocidal maniac, and the other is a crossdressing asshole.

••••••••••

Benji had gone off to terrorize some other victims, leaving me with my team. Alone. Again.

Still, the tension was a little lower thanks to the fact that we all now had something in common. Namely, an intense dislike for my brother. I owed him an angora sweater or something.

Oh, wait. Angora didn't exist here. Damn. Maybe a feather boa?

"So, what was it you were saying about stuff a Hokage should know?" Naruto asked. He was avoiding looking at Sakura, who was shoveling beef and rice into her mouth as quickly as she could with a look of misery. Sasuke was actually paying attention, which I took as a sign of progress.

"Well... Summed up, mostly what my dad talks about is how wars are fought and managed, from the squad level up to a theater level conflict," I explained.

"Theater? What's this got to do with movies?" Naruto asked.

"It's not that kind of theater, idiot," Sasuke snorted. Naruto scowled back.

"Fuck you, bastard!"

"Hey, hey, focus guys," I interjected. "You want to know this or not?"

"He insulted me!" Naruto whined. Sasuke snorted.

"I'm stating an obvious fact."

"Yeah well, you're a pale, anemic vampire!"

"Oh good, stealing material from the crossdresser. I always knew you were weird."

I sighed, and in an instant, an idea appeared in my head on how to resolve the situation.

Before I could stop myself, my hands were forming seals. A slip of my kunai got me some blood, and I pressed my hand down on the table.

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu_," I spoke, and in a poof of smoke, my summon arrived. My intent transmitted to it over our linked chakra, and the next second, a spider the size of a dinner plate had jumped up and latched it's legs onto Sasuke's face.

"Please, Sas-_uke, _-ACK!" Naruto cried out. Sakura dropped her chopsticks. Behind the spider, Sasuke's eyes were widen in frozen horror.

"Now that I have your attention," I said calmly. "May I continue?"

Sakura and Naruto slowly nodded. Sasuke was still totally frozen in fear, which I alleviated by having my summon jump back to my hand. Strangely enough, I didn't feel horror, repulsion or the need to scrub my skin with steel wool until I was clean at the spider's touch. My Other's experience with his summons took care of that.

"Hey boss, how's it going?" Ringumo asked, clicking her mandibles. I smiled back at the summon, quite aware of my team's continuing horror.

"All right, Gumo-chan. How about you?"

"Bored," she said flatly. She scuttled around and looked back at Team 7. "Who are these people?"

"This is my genin team, Gumo-chan," I replied. "Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, and Haruno Sakura."

"Oh right. Congratulations on becoming a sensei! Hello!" Ringumo called, raising one of her legs in a friendly wave. Naruto managed to get over his initial horror fastest, and looked intently at the summon.

"Wow... A real live summon?"

"Yes," I said with a smile. "This is Ringumo, part of the Spider family. I'm fortunate enough to be her summoner."

"He's much better than our old summoner. My mom really loves him!" Gumorin said cheerfully. Sakura gaped.

"You mean... Um... There are... Bigger spiders than you?"

"Oh yes! My mom's really huuuge!" Ringumo said, spreading her forelegs widely. "Big as a house!"

"Gumo-chan, why don't you head home? I'll play with you later," I said, as Sakura turned white at the mental image of a house-sized spider. The little summon gave the spider equivalent of a nod, and poofed away.

"... Sp-spiders?" Sasuke managed.

I nodded. "Yeah... Sorry about that Sasuke. Perhaps a bit extreme, but I don't like it when my team are being childish."

Sasuke managed to very slowly nod, and tried to regain his composure. I sighed and rubbed the back of my head.

"Where was I...? Eh, I think I'll save that lecture for another time. Oh, I nearly forgot! You all have a test tomorrow."

"What? Another test?" Naruto asked.

"Yep. It's required of Konoha for a team to demonstrate whether they can operate together successfully. Put simply, if you can't work together, then you can't be a ninja."

"Work together?" Naruto asked flatly. I nodded.

"Yes..." I realized I was making it extremely obvious, but honestly, this was supposed to be the military, right? Well, more special ops, but... Teamwork is essential in any military unit.

Besides, If they didn't get the point of the test from these clues, then there wasn't much else to do but give them some hints.

They couldn't be that dumb or self absorbed, could they?

••••••••••

I decided to leave a Shadow Clone with my team, and instructed it to spend time with the team and find some kind of activity for them to do together. In case it's been a while since you've read canon, only Naruto's mass shadow clone technique is forbidden. The regular version is somewhat draining, but not that uncommon.

As for me... I went to the Hokage's office, Ringumo re-summoned onto my shoulder.

"What are we going to do, Andoryu?" The spider asked. I simply smiled at every person we passed, every eye upon Ringumo. Subconsciously, my other was perfectly at ease with Ringumo and others of her kind. That biological imperative that stated anything with eight legs and fangs was something to _get the fuck away from_ was simply not there.

It was actually due to just how my Other had gotten to sign the summoning contract. As well as most of his current skill set. It was a fear he had been forced to get rid of... Or go utterly insane.

Being reverse-summoned into a world of giant, sentient, chakra-using spiders for a whole year by your insane sensei tended to prioritize how you viewed the world.

But that was a different story that my Other and myself didn't really want to dwell on right now.

Or really, ever.

"We're going to see the Hokage," I explained to my summon.

"Ya want me to grab his face?"

"Why Gumo-chan, do you think I just summoned you for that?" I asked.

"Sometimes I think you just summon me for that," the little spider huffed. "You never summon me to play fetch or tag anymore! It's just to torment people!"

"Is there something wrong with that?"

The spider hummed thoughtfully, clicking her mouthparts. "No. It's kind of fun!"

"See, this is why you're my favorite," I said, patting the spider affectionately.

"Awww... You know, you haven't summoned Mom for a long time! She misses you," Ringumo said. I sighed.

"Gumo-chan, I'm not exactly comfortable with how much your mom... Likes me."

"Awww... Why not? She can take human form, you know," Ringumo said.

"I'm well aware, and that doesn't really help. I'd still know she's a spider."

"But... so are you though?" She asked. I thought about how best to phrase my answer.

"In spirit... I suppose I am. But not in the ways that might let me consider... That. Besides... I know what happened to your father."

"Awww! Mom likes you a lot more than she liked him!" Ringumo said. We had reached the doors to the Hokage's office, nobody giving me more than a glance. It seemed I was expected.

It didn't stop my Spidey sense from tingling though. If anything, the fact that I was expected put me more on edge.

And yes, I do have a Spider Sense. Sort of. Less ESP and more a simply heightened sense of situational awareness. Any jounin still alive had good situational awareness, _very_ good, but it takes on a whole new meaning when training with smart, giant spiders.

"That's what I'm afraid of," I admitted to Ringumo as the doors to the office opened. I walked inside, immediately noting two people in the room.

One was the Hokage.

The other was Hatake Kakashi.

"Tsume-san, how nice to see you!" Sarutobi said, smiling as he smoked his pipe.

Ringumo hissed at him, and fixed all of her eyes right on his face. He didn't look in the least bit fazed.

"Hokage-sama... Hatake-sempai," I said politely.

"We've been expecting you," the Hokage said unnecessarily. That he was actually speaking the obvious indicated he was giving me leave to be as blunt as I liked.

I decided to take him up on the offer. "Why have I been handed Team 7? Shouldn't Hatake-sempai be given them?" I asked. The Hokage's smile shifted, ever so slightly.

Keep in mind, this man was a 69 year old ninja. The older the ninja is, generally, the better they are at, well, everything. But especially deception and conceit. It did not surprise me in the least that Sarutobi had the "grandfatherly old man" act down perfectly. It was only thanks to what I knew about him I figured he was cackling maniacally behind that smile of his.

"Hatake-san actually recommended you," he said. Ringumo hissed at Kakashi, who stiffened slightly at the sound.

Good girl.

"Did he now?" My gaze travelled to the man. I was starting to think the fans in the 'lazy and selfish' camp were right.

"I feel you have what it takes to truly bring out their full potential," Kakashi explained, granting me one of his infamous eye smiles.

I have to say, I can understand team seven's exasperation and anger with him easily. That smile just reeked of smug asshole.

"I don't have a Sharingan," I said flatly. "Nor am I a sealing expert."

"No, but you can understand them very well," Sarutobi said.

I got his implication immediately.

"And you know how _not_ to teach," Sarutobi said. I mentally grimaced. He was playing _that_ card.

I thought quickly, "Well, if abusive teachers are suddenly a merit, I suggest Mitarashi-san. She deserves to be full jounin anyway."

Kakashi looked amused. "Actually, that's not a horrible idea."

"Yes it is. While Anko most definitely qualifies as a jounin, I'm not putting students into her care."

Oh well, it had been a long shot. "All the same, you're handing me two students with extremely... special needs, who do not have families or clans to help them with said needs," I said.

"No jounin would think of refusing you assistance, Tsume-san," Sarutobi said. "But I have entrusted this team to you. Do you not think yourself able to handle it?"

I really, really wanted to say yes. I really wanted to say I wasn't ready for this, that I would probably fuck up the entire future of this world. I could find something, _anything_ to say.

Even if it was futile, I could go down swinging. But they were both playing on the fact that, rather traumatic life aside, I hadn't turned out totally and completely insane. That I was a nice guy who would work to keep my students from getting killed.

"Andoryu can do anything!" Ringumo said defiantly. She hissed loudly.

She was always the least perceptive of her brothers and sisters.

With a heavy sigh, I shook my head.

"No Hokage-sama... I will begin training my team immediately," I said. Ringumo gave the spider equivalent of a big smile, which got another not-shudder out of Kakashi. I recalled his home address. "However-"

"Yes?"

"I will be taking your offer of assistance. We all know Naruto has holes in his basic training that you could drive a carriage through. I never _really_ learned a taijutsu style, and he can't even do the academy basic stances. My genjutsu is rudimentary for a jounin, and I have few elemental jutsu that Sasuke would thrive with. I am a first time sensei, with a very important team."

"You do yourself diservice."

"I understand my limitations. Konoha's strength has always been teamwork. I will be relying on my senpai, _especially_ since you have so much free time without a team of your own."

Kakashi frowned, but the Hokage gave me a genuine smile. You could tell with him, he made sure you knew. "Very good, and well said. With some help, I believe our resident Spider Sage can handle this."

"What?" I asked, eyes widening. Sarutobi held up the summoning scroll for spiders, the very same one I had signed all those years ago.

"You are the only signer of the scroll who has developed the skills gained from your summons to reach jounin level," Sarutobi said. "I believe there is no one better suited for the position of Spider Sage."

"We wouldn't accept anyone else! What took you so long?" Ringumo demanded.

"We recently recovered it from your sensei's estate. Legal troubles," Sarutobi admitted. He sighed. "I try to respect the rule of law as much as I can, after all."

"Th-Thank you, Sarutobi-sama… I haven't earned the title yet, but I will." I said.

To most, being a Sage was, well... It was the equivalent of being the Indiana Jones or Stephen Hawking of your particular field.

Looking at the Canon though, being a true Sage was more. Even Jiraiya failed to summit that particular mountain. Nature chakra is tricky. The Hokage had many titles, but Sage was not amongst them, despite a firm alliance with the apes.

I took the summoning scroll, almost reverently, and slid the shoulder strap over my head. Ringumo moved a little, and did her spider smile again.

"Good luck, Tsume-san, and don't worry, you are not alone." Sarutobi said, the last bit more directed towards Kakashi. I bowed, and headed out, in slightly higher spirits than before.

Sure, I had the fate of the Elemental Countries on my shoulders, but it didn't seem as bad as before...

And then my Shadow Clone's memories popped into my head. I groaned.

"What is it?" Ringumo asked.

"My Shadow Clone decided to have Team 7 bond by tying them all together with webbing."

"Is that bad?" Ringumo asked.

I finally heard the distant explosion that killed my clone rattle through the window. I held a hand to my forehead.

"Not by itself, no."

••••••••••

I don't normally get stress headaches. Hunger headaches, yes. Allergy related headaches, sure. Changes in weather headaches? Oh very my yes.

Well... This actually felt like a hunger headache. As in "My stupid students have made me angry enough to consider eating them."

"So... Just to clarify," I began to my rather singed looking students, "you, Sasuke, threatened to use a Grand Fireball on the webbing."

The Uchiha survivor nodded slowly. He held up his arm, still bound in my Shadow Clone's webbing to Sakura's arm. Sakura, in turn, was bound to Naruto's wrist in a similar arrangement.

"And then Naruto pulled out an explosive note," I continued, my eyes going over to him. The soot-covered blonde growled.

"He started it! He threatened to burn us alive!"

"And when Sakura tried to intervene, the explosive note became unstable, and went off," I finished, my eyes going to my extremely embarrassed female student. She was nearly down to her underwear. Most of her dress had been burnt off in the explosion.

"Y-Yeah... Your shadow clone took the brunt of the blast," she explained.

Ah. That explained why the last memories my shadow clone sent were of him yelling "Son of a-!"

In English, no less.

"Well... You have managed to prove my point. Teamwork is paramount to a ninja _team_. That means _cooperation_. That does _not_ mean threatening to _kill each other_ and then blowing _each other up!_" I said in very clear, mostly calm words. All three looked at me sullenly. I sighed.

"If this is how you're going to act, then I can see only one possible way you can pass tomorrow's test. Or even act as a team." I gave them all a very, _very_ unpleasant smile. I was pleased to see them all, even Sasuke, look intimidated.

I was probably helped by Ringumo hissing, but all the same...

"Wh-What?" Sakura dared to ask.

"You're going to learn to work together, as _one_, as you are now."

Blank looks for just an instant, and then...

"WHAT?!"

"For how long?" Sasuke demanded.

"Until you learn," I stated flatly.

"But-But Tsume-sensei, I'm a girl!" Sakura squawked.

I quirked my brow. "Yes. And?"

She looked at me as if I was an idiot. "Bathroom!"

"Ah, well, that gives you an incentive to learn quickly doesn't it? All three of you, actually, unless you like the idea of showering together."

That got them all bright red. I squashed the impulse to grin maniacally.

"B-but we have to stick together?! All of us?!"

"Yes Naruto, you do," I said patiently. I gave the matter some thought. "Now, Naruto's apartment is the closest, so I suggest you all head there. Lend some of your clothes to Sakura, and then rest up, tomorrow's going to be a big day!"

I grinned after all.

"Oh, and by the way... If any of you try to escape your bonds... _Kuchiyose no jutsu._"

Out of a large poof of smoke, a human-sized wolf spider appeared. All three of my students cringed.

"Then Kokubogumo here will have to reapply the webbing. And she doesn't like having to web things that struggle. She generally applies venom first."

Kokubogumo (which could be literally translated as "cruel mother spider") gave my genin the equivalent of a spider smile. All three looked pale.

"It does make it much easier to secure new webbing," she said. I immediately noticed all three of my students looking at each other, and there it was: the beginning of a bond.

Sure, they would try to team up and make my life a living hell, but that could quickly redirected towards enemies with just a bit of training.

"Well, I will see you all tomorrow," I said cheerfully, as I turned and leaped off.

"Wow, you're really going to run them through the ringer, Andoryu!" Ringumo noted, hanging onto my shoulder. I grinned.

"Well, boot camp is always the hardest part," I replied. "Besides- if I'm the bad guy, then they have a common item of hatred. Namely me."

"Are you sure it was a good idea to have Kokubo-nee-chan handle them?"

"Aw, she's really a sweetheart. She won't hurt any of them..." I thought about it. "Permanently."


	2. Chapter 2

The jounin bar. A fanfiction staple to the point of cliché. An excellent setting for writers to do slice of life, comedy, or the start of a romance in. There is a reason the sitcom Cheers ran so long. The bar is very relatable. I'm certain fanfic writers everywhere would be tickled to find out there was one.

It was even secret. -Ish. Nestled between a strip joint and a betting parlour in the red light district, the roof of which I was crouched on. Practically every ninja knew it was here, but everyone had their own theory on how to get in. From wrestling a bear to withstanding Gai's Lecture On Youth, Parts 1 through 10, in one sitting.

Now on vinyl. I really wish I was making that up.

Jounin don't just take missions to make ends meet, ya know. You have to look towards retirement, even if it's unlikely.

But no, all you really had to do was get in without looking like a total and complete idiot.

"Hey there, Spider."

Which I had nearly managed. I froze and looked over my shoulder.

"Hello Mitarashi-san," I said. That most infamous of Konoha kunoichi chuckled evilly as she looked me over.

Neither the manga nor the anime did her justice. The many drawings I had seen of her on the internet did her no justice either. Think Chinese supermodel and the hottest MMA fighter tossed in a blender and set on _damn._ I was torn between two strong first impressions: "magically babelicious" and "run for the hills".

And that wasn't even my inner spider suggesting that.

"Rough first day for the new teacher?" She asked, eying me like a cat does a meal. I stayed in a crouched position, where I felt most comfortable.

"Not particularly. My shadow clone took the explosion, so no harm, no foul."

She snorted, "Heard you got Team 7, I guess I'm not surprised you got blown up already."

I shrugged. "Take one egotistical 'genius' rookie of the year, add an enthusiastic but dumb deadlast, and stir in one useless kunoichi fangirl. Tale as old as time. Nothing some horrible suffering in the name of teamwork won't fix."

"See, this is why I like you, Andoryu," she grinned. "You have such a wonderful sense of priorities."

"I like to think so," I managed.

"Aww, aren't you cute, acting so jaded and detached," Anko cooed. She leaned over and grinned.

Oh bouncing Buddha on a cracker, the Fishnet is true! Think about the logistics of theater scale troop movements!

"Well, I, um." I said. She slunk over, swinging her hips and making herself very... Very...

No! Latch onto fear of females! It's a very spiderish thing to have! And it's good in this situation! I tear my gaze back to her face finally.

"So, are you going to go in, or what?" She asked, face leaning uncomfortably close to mine. I managed not to blink.

"I was waiting for you," I said. She grinned.

Stupid stupid stupid!

"How flattering," she said. "Not up to this all by yourself? Want me to hold your... Hand?"

This is definitely something my Other was superior to me in: Not going totally crazy in fear or lust over Anko.

"How could I turn down an offer like that?"

Okay, maybe my Other was just suicidal.

Oh I'm screwed, totally screwed… Hopefully?

Then she did something very... Well... There's no other way to say it.

She giggled.

"All right," she said, and took my hand. "C'mon, they've got a special on that Iwa Sake. You can buy me a few."

"Sure," I replied, standing up. We jumped down to the entrance, still holding hands. She looked like she was rather enjoying the entire experience.

God knows a large part of me was too. But seriously... I knew, _knew_ there was something horrible in store for me. Both sides, me and my Other, were well aware that nothing good happened to us without incredible terror or trauma happening after. Or before.

In this case, probably during.

The jounin bar was nice. Simply decorated, but clean, with several tables in front of the bar itself. Most were occupied; from Hayate in the corner with Yuugao, giving every vibe of a simple night out, to Asuma and Kurenai at different tables. Clearly, their relationship was "off" at the moment.

Aside from an old jukebox in the corner, playing something that sounded a little like Bach set to guitar, the biggest "decoration" was a wall full of photos, stretching from the entrance to the bathrooms. Anko noticed my look and quirked an eyebrow.

"Oh, right! First things first. WHO'S GOT THE CAMERA?!"

To my considerable shock, it was Morino Ibiki who, turning on his barstool, produced a camera. Anko grinned and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"C'mon Newbie, smile," she said. I offered a small smile to the camera, and with a flash, the picture was taken. Anko grabbed it and pinned it onto the wall with a senbon. Ibiki calmly went back to his drink. Something blood red.

Huh. Didn't figure him for the bloody-mary type.

"There, you're officially in," she said sweetly.

"I like the ceremony, very brisk," I nodded in approval.

"Leaves more time for drinking," Anko returned. "Speaking of..." She dragged me right to the bar, practically tossing me on a stool. She plopped down cheerfully next to me.

"Barkeep, four specials!" Anko's grin made me both fear for my wallet and a little more for my life.

"So, congrats on the team." I turned to look over my shoulder as Asuma joined us. I noticed Anko's slight rise in tension, and mentally I smirked. Sometimes even a ninja can't tell when they're unwelcome. It was a nice boost to the ego as well, but I decided not to dwell on that.

"Same to you... Ino Yamanaka, Chouji Akimichi, and Shikamaru Nara, right?" I recited. I shook my head with a grin. "They stuck em all together and handed them to you?"

"Of course! A natural capture team," Asuma explained. "And they've got potential." He smirked.

"Heard about yours. Rookie of the Year, and the Deadlast..."

"Yep, pretty much," I spoke. I nodded kindly to the bartender as he brought our drinks. I set down some money, and glanced over as Anko began to drank. What can I say, anything this woman does is sexy and frightening.

"Mmm..." She noticed my look, and smirked at me. I smiled back. I then abruptly noticed Asuma was still talking. Jeez, even as a single person I could recognize when two other people are on a date and wish to be left alone!

"Managing a good team is like a good relationship... Or so I've heard..." He continued.

I nodded a little, and sipped my sake. Bizzare. I've had sake. I hated it. My Other seems to love it. Perhaps the body over rides some things, as I quickly downed the saucer and began to fill it from the bottle again. I idly wondered if I could type 45 words a minute now, or if I lost that skill when I gained my current set. The whole time, Asuma continued to drone on.

"But, you're a good ninja, from what I've heard..."

"Mmhm..."

"... So really, Rookie, you've got to make the most of it. It's not really fair, but well... there you are. Life is unfair."

I could understand Asuma was trying to help, or perhaps simply trying to keep away from Kurenai? Either way, I got annoyed. Really annoyed. And when I get annoyed, well... My inner geek comes out strongest.

"You know, um… I used to think that it was awful that life was so unfair," I began. "Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

I sipped my sake calmly, as Asuma fell silent. He then chuckled and shook his head.

"Ha! I think you'll be fine," he said.

"Yes, thank you for the advice," I replied.

"Don't think you'll be better than that though," he returned glibly. I shrugged, took another sip. Damn, this stuff was good... I felt... Happy.

"Nah, things are looking up. I've got a team full of potential. Everybody looks at them and thinks of all the headaches. And they're not wrong. But after that… The shiniest diamonds take the longest to polish."

Asuma raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps. Still, don't get cocky. You've got a long climb ahead of you," he continued.

I nodded. "Who doesn't?"

"Fascinating, really Asuma, but beat it. Mine for the night, you understand?" Anko had finally had enough and interrupted, wrapping her arm around my waist. Asuma blinked, looked between us...

And studiously kept himself from smiling.

"Ah, apologies… A very long climb," he added, before giving me a nod and moving off. I smiled and nodded back.

Anko's arm remained.

"Up for another round?" She asked. I blinked.

"That was quick." She'd finished her bottles off fast. She grinned broadly.

"I have a big mouth."

I coughed. "A little unsubtle, that," I commented.

Anko laughed and patted my cheek. "A time for all things under the sun. Sometimes subtlety is a waste of time."

"Can one make a single entendre? Or does it simply devolve into lewdness?" I asked, after taking another drink of my sake.

Was it a new bottle? Was it the old bottle? Who cared?

"Ahhh... You're the philosophical kind of drunk," she observed.

"I am not _nearly _as think as you drunk I am," I replied. "Simply... buzzed. And I am philosophical because I have nothing more interesting to talk about."

"Really, and if I found what you have to say interesting?"

"I'd think you are very, very bored."

She laughed warmly, and patted me on the back. I looked at my saucer and finished it off.

"It's all in one's perspective," Anko commented. I looked over at her with a blink.

"How true. And what is _your_ perspective?"

She grinned and bumped her nose against mine. "That you're cute. Especially with your low tolerance for alcohol."

Another drink. I looked back at her.

"I'll have you know, my eyes are my cutest feature," I replied.

"Yes, all four of them," she observed. She took another drink, emptying her bottle happily. I watched. I liked watching her. I resolved to do it more often.

I was vaguely aware of the looks shot our way. I may have been a lightweight, but my Other was well trained. Looks of some interest, perhaps for gossip purposes. Trust me, Konoha has a whole section devoted to rumor mongering. It's part of information control in an age without social apps. And anyone associating with Mitarashi Anko? Prime material, especially if that someone had just been handed Team 7 for training.

Infamy and rumor went hand in hand with the Ninja Way. It was something you learned to live with.

"YOSH!"

Oh, and lunatics. Did I mention the lunatics?

A strong arm came around my shoulders, and it wasn't Anko's. I smell the spandex and talcum powder right away, and part of my mind chided me for letting Maito Gai, of all people, sneak up on me. It was unbecoming of a spider, a predator, to let him sneak up upon me.

"Hello, Tsume-san! It is good to see another worthy ninja join the ranks of instructors! I wish you and your students a long and happy youth as you work together, becoming stronger and learning from each other!"

"Um... Thank you, Gai," I replied. He patted me on the back hard enough I would have flown over the bar, had I not been expecting it.

"You are most welcome, Tsume-sensei! Haha! Bartender! My usual!"

After grabbing a jug of sake, Gai immediately gave us space and sat at the far end of the bar. I stared after him for a few moments. Gai has a strong personality, but there's a reason he gives Kakashi a run for his money. Clearly he was more perceptive than Asuma, at least at the moment.

Anko elbowed me. "Oi, he's not the one you're supposed to be staring at," she stated.

"Sorry, I think I'm a little nonplussed," I replied, looking back into her warm eyes. Anko smirked.

"You?"

"A little... I'm only human. Take pity on a young drunk jounin?"

"So you're drunk now," she asked.

I looked at the evidence spread across the bar in front of me.

"Probably. Not sure. Always tried to stay away from the stuff. Long line of drunks in the family tree."

Anko nodded, and pushed her own bottle away.

"Do you want to sleep with me?"

I blinked. "What does that have to do with me being drunk?"

"Just answer me."

I decided to be honest.

"No I don't want to sleep with you. I want to _have sex_ with you."

I abruptly wondered why the entire bar was so quiet. Anko stared at me for a little while.

A wide smile appeared on her face, and she tightened her grip around my waist.

"Would you say that if you were sober?"

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. But it wouldn't make it any less or more true. _Vino veritas_." I recited. Anko chuckled. I felt a hand on my ass.

"You're very lucky you're so cute," she murmured. She grabbed the last bottle of sake, downed it, and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. She looked at me.

"Pay the bartender. We're going to your place. Don't worry, we won't get much sleep."

I smiled cheerfully back, and tossed the bartender some coins. I wasn't sure how many, and before I could check, Anko was dragging me out the door.

I suppose honesty was the best policy... If you were honest about it.

••••••••••

I had only ever had one hangover before in my life, and it was a fairly mild one. Considering the stuff my brain gets up to on benign substances like Crystal Light or more oxygen than usual, and the medications I've been on for depression, I am not particularly eager to turn my brain into a children's chemistry playset.

My Other had no such maladies, but also drank sparingly. As I had mentioned, a family history of destructive alcoholism had only stopped with our father, and we had no intention of starting it back up again. Even Ben relied on other vices.

So, suffice it to say, I was expecting to wake up in head-splitting agony.

I did, but it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. The very warm, soft person against me in my bed certainly helped.

Wait, what?

"Hnnngh..."

I opened my eyes. The sight of a very asleep, very naked Anko greeted me. Her cheek rested against my chest, and she was drooling onto my skin.

I stared in total and complete shock for about a minute. Inside, my mind waged war as it sought out an appropriate response.

YES! YES! YES! YES! AWESOME! WOO HOO! I AM THE MAN! I AM THE MAAAAN!

My libido's response was expected, but unhelpful.

Marry her right now!

I wasn't certain if that was my inner prude, or a part of me that couldn't believe I had gotten so lucky and didn't think it would happen again.

Don't you dare move! She might eat you! And not in the fun way!

My inner spider instincts had woken up, and were equally unhelpful.

My bladder suddenly made itself known, demanding priority. As slowly and carefully as I could, I tried to slide out of Anko's embrace. She tightened her grip immediately, humming softly in her sleep.

I grinned. Now that she was unconscious, she was slightly less 'sex on two legs' and more adorable.

I still needed to visit the porcelain throne. I tried to move again, but she clung on even more tightly. I have to admit, it was seeming less attractive to leave. Especially as some memories came to light.

I formed handseals.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu," I whispered. A perfect (and naked) clone of myself appeared next to the bed. I formed another set, and as quickly as I could, replaced myself with my clone. Anko sighed softly and wrapped her legs around my copy, who did not look in the least bit unhappy.

My jealousy died in the fires of logic. After all, how could I be jealous of myself? I'd get the memories sooner or later.

I stumbled over to the bathroom, a bit too late realizing how sore I felt all over. I finished business before staring into the mirror and drinking several handfuls of water. I noted that a ridiculously silly grin was on my face. I couldn't really argue with it either.

It was just so disconnected, so... Unreal. I was still processing everything. I decided to try and relax a little with a shower, and not disrupt this feeling of euphoria with excess thinking.

The world, however, had other plans.

"Yo."

"GAH!" I spun around, pulling a kunai from behind the shower head. I growled angrily when I saw that it was Kakashi, sitting in the window with a cheerful smile.

"Nice night?" He asked. I narrowed my eyes.

"Yes, actually."

"Good, good..."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, the Hokage told me to personally bring you a message, but you were rather busy. I felt a bit bad about dumping team seven in your lap, so I ended up... getting side tracked."

Huh. Maybe he's not a massive prick after all.

"I appreciate it."

"So! The message is here now." He handed the scroll over.

"What is it?"

"Do you believe I would violate your privacy?"

"You know enough to decide that it wasn't time sensitive," I pointed out.

He shrugged in surrender. "Your sensei tried to escape last night... He was asking for you."

It was as if the entire universe turned freezing cold. My jaw was set, my expression stony. The other shoe had dropped.

"I see..." I sighed. "I'll take care of it after I see to my team."

"Your prerogative, Tsume-sensei," Kakashi said. He nodded lightly. "I'll be in touch." He leapt out the window, leaving me to watch him go with a sigh.

Well... Could have been worse. He could have come in last night. Thank God there was a kind of Guy Code around here.

As I made my way to Naruto's apartment, I fought the feeling of imminent doom. I doubted that my team (and boy, was that going to take some getting used to) had killed each other. Even they weren't that stupid, and Kokubogumo would keep them from causing significant harm to themselves.

I expected them to still be squabbling, or just miserable in general... The smell of cooking breakfast and the sounds of some bantering, however, made me reconsider my earlier assessment.

"Stop pushing Naruto!"

"Well stop pulling! I can't cook like this!"

"Damn it, Sakura, I need my hand!"

Kokubogumo was sticking to the ceiling above, casually knitting a sweater. As the only human, I had been forced to make my own clothing during the year on the Spider Plane, and the old spider had taken to it as a hobby. She looked down at me with the spider equivalent of a smirk.

"The young do not always do as you might expect," she commented. I smirked back and nodded.

"You didn't have to bite any of them, did you?"

"Only once," she admitted. "After that, they quieted down."

I nodded again, before peeking into the kitchen.

Team 7 was crowded around the stove, still bound by their wrists. However, Sasuke was cooking up what looked like a tomato and fish stew, while Sakura worked on chopping some fruit. And on the other side, Naruto was tending to rice.

"Naruto, do you have a lemon?"

"A lemon? What do you need that for Sakura-chan?"

"It keeps the fruit from going brown. Never mind, salt will work."

"Huh. Are you done yet bastard?"

"Almost, dead last. But every time I have to answer you it's going to take longer."

"Yeah yeah. You know, for 'rookie of the year', you sure cook slowly..."

A smirk- "I could always use a Katon jutsu-"

"I swear to God, if you do I'll break your arm!"

"Would you two stop arguing? I'm almost done!"

I climbed up onto the ceiling, and watched silently as my pupils put together their breakfast, and with some considerable coordination, got it over to the table. I was amused at the start, but now I was genuinely pleased.

"Itadakimasu...!" Naruto cried before eagerly digging in.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "You helped make it, you know... You don't have to thank everyone..."

Sasuke huffed. "At least he's taking the time to bother... Show a little gratitude?"

"Ha! The meal's mostly thanks to me!" Naruto snarked back.

"Oh yeah?"

"It's my kitchen..."

"Which you didn't even know how to use without us."

"Go to hell, Bastard!"

"Already there, Deadlast."

Sakura, having lost her patience, kicked both boys in their shins under the table.

"OW!"

"Gah!"

"Wait until I get my hands free." Sakura shook her head with a sigh. "Can you please just eat? Sensei's going to be making us go through more training, and I want to have all the energy I need!"

"What happened to 'being thin for Sasuke-kun'?" Naruto smirked back. "OW!"

"I'll have you know, Sasuke-kun admitted he likes girls with curves," Sakura huffed with a blush.

Sasuke's spoon froze on the way to his mouth. "What? Where was _I_ when this happened?"

"I heard it from a reliable source!"

Naruto grinned. "Which is why sensei had to _order_ you to finish your lunch, huh?"

I dropped down and cleared my throat. All my students started and looked back at me. Surprise turned to death glares. I smiled brightly back.

"Good morning Team 7! I've got to admit, I'm really impressed..."

"You're late!" Sakura bellowed.

"YEAH!" Naruto growled.

"I disagree. I'm right on time," I said. I made a few hand seals, and spat out three quick shots of a natural solvent. The silk bonds dissolved.

"Huh?" Naruto asked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've passed my test," I replied cheerfully. The three expressions of shock on their faces was great to see, even though Sasuke recovered quickly.

"But... Wait... What was the test?" Naruto asked.

"You didn't kill each other, and you're working well together to make breakfast and made the best out of a bad situation," I said cheerfully. "It's not just blowing stuff up together, it's living together that makes the best ninja. I admit it's not a high bar to pass, but you've got to start somewhere."

My pride was in no way feigned. I had thought that the brats would, at best, still be alive. But I could pick up on a real bond between them all, forged in suffering. And really, aren't those the best kinds?

"So, we start missions after lunch... Unless you'd like to start one now?" I asked.

The trio looked at each other, then back to me.

"No way," Sasuke said flatly. "I need a shower."

"Me too! I mean... Where the hell were you?" Sakura demanded.

"It's been two days!" Naruto snarled.

I stared in disbelief. My internal clock was usually pretty spot-on. Come to think of it though, I had never spent two days screwing a walking personification of sex before, had I?

Kokubogumo laughed behind me, and I coughed in embarrassment.

"I... was on a secret ninja mission. Very hush-hush. Anyway! You're dismissed until noon, and then, missions! That work for everyone?"

Unanimous nods. I turned to go.

"By the way, Sensei," Naruto called. "We're gonna get you back for this."

I smirked a little. "Of course! I look forward to it."

Well, it was better than having to go see my old sensei.

Speaking of which…

••••••••••

Interestingly enough, Konoha's ninja prison was pretty much as it was portrayed in the filler episodes of the anime: placed on a large rock outcropping over an active volcano. The rock bridge was rigged up with explosive seals, which, if detonated, would send the whole thing into the volcano below, along with it's (presumably) rioting and out of control inmates. Practical and pitiless. You can't say they hadn't prepared for a worst case scenario.

The prison itself looked pretty much like you'd expect a prison to look like. Boxy, drab, and ominous. Properly foreboding. The air was hot and thin, and it was only due to some kind of intricate seal work on the outside and inside that you could breath easily.

Into this dark pit of despair and horror I went... However, I didn't go alone.

"Sensei, um... May I ask why we were brought along?" Sakura asked. I frowned slightly as we walked through the corridors of the prison, led by one of the guards. Naruto and Sasuke looked curious as well.

"It's just a quick stop, then missions," I said.

"Who are we visiting, anyway?" Naruto asked.

The guard opened a steel barred gate ahead of us, and we entered the visitor's area. Tables were set up all over, and other inmates watched from behind bars some distance away. I made out a shock of silver hair, and my memories and those of my Other came into alignment.

"It'll be a bit, have to clear a path," our guard said. "Wait here." He walked to a door on the far side of the room, ignoring the inmates out and talking to loved ones, solicitors, children...

Naruto's eyes narrowed as he too caught sight of the inmate I had, who was now staring intently at us. I knew this was probably a bad idea, but I walked up to him, hands in my pockets, my students following. Sakura stared in some disbelief, while Sasuke looked indifferent.

"Hey... Tsume-sempai," Mizuki said with a smirk.

"Mizuki," I returned politely.

"Mizuki," Naruto growled. I placed a hand on his shoulder. Mizuki's sneer traveled from my student to me at the action.

"He should be in here, you know..."

"Funny, which one of us is the traitor?" Naruto shot back. I gave a firm but gentle squeeze to his shoulder. The blonde scowled, but kept his mouth shut.

"You _know_ he's a demon. He'll kill you in your sleep and dance the night away in your blood!" Mizuki grinned. "Haven't you told them, Tsume-sempai? Or do you think it can learn to pretend better?"

Naruto clenched his fists, and looked to the side. Sasuke and Sakura looked confused. I decided to nip this in the bud, quickly.

"Naruto is my student," I returned quietly. "He's a ninja of Konoha. And that's all that matters." I looked intently at the smirking man. "Tsubaki hasn't spoken to me in a while... She was supposed to visit you. Did she?"

"I didn't come! I didn't see her!" Mizuki laughed. "I don't need her, I don't need anything!"

I suddenly wondered if 'filler' anime was canon. Would he break out? Should I trust any of my memories? Kakashi wasn't in charge of team 7, so we were off the rails already to some degree.

I pushed those thoughts aside. "You need your ego deflated if you think you're smarter than our last two Hokages. Perhaps some time in prison will do it, make you think about your loyalties. I doubt it though."

"All right, that's enough Mizuki," a guard stated flatly. "Your time is up!"

The silver-haired chuunin shook his head, still smirking. "Go to hell, sempai, and take your demon with you," Mizuki shot back, as he was led away.

Sakura's gaze went back and forth between myself and Naruto. I held up a hand to forestall her questions.

"It's something Naruto will tell you... When he's ready, not before," I said. Naruto looked up at me, confusion giving way to a small, thankful smile.

"We've all got our demons. You're going to meet one of mine soon."

My students looked worried, though I thought I saw Sasuke nodding for a moment.

"Mizuki-sensei seemed so different... What happened to him?" Sakura asked.

"That… is also a long story," I said. Sasuke grunted, and the guard arrived.

"Okay, We're ready." He looked at Team 7 carefully.

"Sure you want them coming with you?"

"Nope," I answered, then to my students, "Come along."

"Mhh. Wonderful," the guard replied, voice dripping in sarcasm. "This way."

We headed through the side-door, and went through a long series of twisting, turning corridors. They were dark, the air pressure and heat making them stifling and a sweat broke out on our brows. Each degree of decline made it seem we were descending further and further into the pits of Hell.

Through barred doors and steel plated vaults we made our way, until we reached the bottom level. Insane cackling could be heard through the walls from one sealed cell. Intense killing intent was felt from another.

We stopped at a cell with heavily reinforced steel bars, over which was a metal mesh charged with chakra energy. I stood in silence, closest to the cell. I couldn't blame my students or the guard. I certainly wanted to stand as far away as possible. I had better reason than most.

The dark cell was poorly lit, but it was enough to see the webbing that covered it from ceiling to floor, a mess of cobwebs that seemed a visual metaphor for the occupant's own mind. In the center of the mess sat a dark shape, neither man, nor spider. A horrific amalgam of both.

"Hello... Andoryuu," the monster greeted, mandibles clicking audibly in the dark interior. "Ahh... Such young, young visitors I have today."

I didn't want to be here. I wanted to offer him a bottle of chianti and some fava beans and run the hell out.

"Hello sensei."

Minamoto Sanbu... Or what was left of him. My Other felt horror, betrayal, revulsion, and an intense fear of this... Thing. He, who had survived a whole year in a world filled with giant, sentient spiders, and this creature was the thing he was the most afraid of.

Here, my memories were of more help than they had been previously. We may have been the same in many ways, but there was still a difference, a separation in identity. My world was filled with just as many monsters. In my world they tended to wear suits, and hide their horror behind dry humor and charity events. In a way, this world was more honest. The monsters usually had the decency to have horns or teeth, or be seen gnawing on humans. Villains like Orochimaru and Itachi were so hated and feared in part because they were outliers here.

More than that though... I had met people like this man. Seen them broken and destroyed and twisted into something horrible. I couldn't help the pity in my heart, and it was that emotion that kept Andoryuu focused.

"Been a while," the Sanbu monster commented softly. The shadows of the cell were intersected by sharper shadows. I felt Sakura shake a little, and I took a step closer to the bars. Partly to obscure the view.

"Yes. It has."

The Sanbu monster stepped forward as well, and half of his face was illuminated in the dull light. His skin was hairy and scaled, and his cheek existed only as a few remaining strands of flesh. His lower jaw protruded grotesquely, a cruel, curved fang flexing slightly. His eye was probably the worst part though- two small, black eyes dotted the main eye's east and south cardinal points, but his original... absolutely untouched. There was recognition in that eye, and my Other's memories recounted so many, many times when that brown eye was winking in a playful joke, crinkled in laughter, wide in surprise, soft in affection and pride...

Naruto turned away, and Sakura gasped. Again, I couldn't blame them. My stoicism was only the result of long years of training, and my personal detachment that my other didn't have.

"Don't be afraid, child," the creature hissed, some strange mouthparts behind his transformed jaw facilitating human speech. "You're perfectly safe out there... I'm behind these bars... I will not hurt you."

His human eye darted about quickly, and the shadows trembled. He regained himself after his fit, and locked his gaze upon me.

"You are a sensei yourself now... You should be proud."

"I am," I said softly.

"I wonder though... will you do for them what I did for you?" The Sanbu monster inquired. His eye zipped back and forth, studying my students in close detail. Sasuke flinched. Sakura kept her eyes averted, her fists and teeth clenched. And Naruto... Naruto stared in silent horror, unable to look away.

"Yes and no. I'll make them strong ninja, Sensei," I said carefully. "It's my duty."

"Tell me though, Andoryuu... will you love them?" The Sanbu Monster asked. "Will you... cherish them?" He tilted his head, more of his misshapen jaw visible in the dim light. "As I did you?"

"I'll keep them safe, Sensei," I said, my words even and monotone. "I'll teach them well."

"But that, ah... that is the question, isn't it, Andoryuu?"

The monster turned, giving us only a flash of his full form. For that I was thankful. Sakura probably couldn't handle it. Not that I could blame her. If I was her age, I don't think I could.

"All the preparation in the world... None of it can keep us safe. Keep our loved ones safe..."

I blurted out the first words to come to mind.

"It wasn't your fault."

Silence. My Other's memories immediately told me that was a mistake.

"Oh... Ohhh... That is what they tell me. Day in and day out, they told me, told me, told me!" The Sanbu monster hissed, the shadows tense around him. "Over and over, hoping to replace the Truth..." He turned his head completely around, and Sakura, who had dared to look again, grabbed onto the arm of the nearest male and tried to hide her face in his chest.

"But we both know the Truth, Andoryuu, we both do..." The monster moved back, his locomotion a strange mix of a spider's scuttle and a man's walk. "After all, it is why you survived..."

I was silent for a moment. The Sanbu monster's mouthparts clicked.

"Yes, yes... I am right... I am right! Hahaha... They tell me I am wrong, but you... all three, you stand and live and breath, and they don't. So really, why am I in here? Why am I in here for being right, my student?"

"You wanted us to be strong, Sensei. And we are," I said quietly. "Strength, however... It comes with a price. It always does." I managed to fix my gaze into his. "This... this came with too high of a price."

"Hmph. So you do not see the Truth either... Pity. You were my favorite student."

"We were all your favorites, Sensei," I said softly. "You said so yourself."

"Hahahaha! So I did, so I did! I told you... I told you! But it does not change things. I was right. And still, you do not see it." He moved then, slammed right up against the bars. Sakura screamed, and the guard moved forward with a cattle prod.

I took in the tangled mess of my sensei in an instant, before the electricity ran through the metal and the prisoner was forced back with a cry.

He shuddered, the various legs protruding from so many places on his body, the carapace only partially formed out of his ribs and other bones either fully out of his skin, or straining against it. It was all visible, a twisted mockery of nature. I could probably expect a lot of nightmares. After all, it wasn't the first time I'd seen him like this, and the nightmares still came.

He looked back at me, the pain already forgotten.

"I was right. But clearly, that is a subject for another day," he hissed. "You didn't come here for that. Nonono."

"Why did you try to escape?" I asked.

My sensei giggled. "Escape? Me? Why? Why would I escape, I ask you? What need have I?" He crawled up the wall, settling upon the ceiling and curling into a ball.

"I have no need... I am secure. Don't worry, they take care of your sensei." He bent his head and looked at me again. "It was so nice to see you again, my student... Bring Ayumi and Jiro next time, won't you?" He bowed his head, and the horrible mess of my sensei cloaked itself in darkness, only his spider eyes still open, still watching.

"If I could bring them here easily, you might not be in here, you know?"

He paused. "Ah. Yes. Irony… Well then, away with you. Let me know when you see the Truth."

I slowly nodded, and turned to my students. Sakura was a trembling wreck, Naruto looked ready to be sick, and Sasuke looked, well, like he might have his first bowel movement in years.

I shook my head. This was pointless. It may have been from the start. "We're leaving," I said. Their relief was palpable, but they still watched their backs as they left the cell. I lingered a moment longer, staring into those pitiless black eyes, before I turned to follow.

I hadn't learned anything... Anything useful, anyway... So why had he sent for me? I thought of dates… it wasn't an anniversary. Of any kind. It wasn't a birthday.

So why? I didn't know. The trip out of the prison was in silence, and nobody broke it until we got past the guards on the bridge.

"Sensei... What the fuck was that?!" Naruto exclaimed. I sighed, and closed my eyes tightly.

"It's... Another long story. My demon." I said. I snorted ruefully. "It's another little thing about what we do."

Sasuke's mouth opened, and eventually managed, "I think we deserve to hear it."

"I, uh, I'd be fine not knowing..." Sakura offered. She gulped at Sasuke's look, and quickly recanted. "B-but if Sasuke-kun wants to know..."

I nodded. "All right then. I'll tell you. But later. I don't think any of us can handle it right now."

"B-but Sensei, back there, you... you didn't even flinch!" Sakura insisted.

"Yeah! You just stood there, cool as ice! How'd you do it? Was it some kind of jutsu?" Naruto asked. I sighed, and raised up a hand to them. My personal tribute to Gene Wilder. They stared at it, until realization flashed in their eyes as they saw it shaking.

"_Yeah, but this is my shooting hand,_" I thought. I smiled wryly. "Not a jutsu, But it's a useful thing to practice..."

••••••••••

Ichiraku Ramen was in the outer circle of Konoha, hence, we stopped by it. It was a bit early for dinner, but I decided a little comfort food was something we all needed at the moment, and few foods beat ramen on that score. Also, I could remind Naruto we had already visited over the next few days when he begged at lunchtime.

Not to mention that Old Man Ichiraku and his beautiful daughter (who, strangely enough, strongly resembled Aerith from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children) were so keen on Naruto's moods they stayed quiet and in the background as we commiserated.

I took a few bites of the warm noodles and broth, and glanced over my students. I had to admit it was good, but we were all in poor mood to appreciate it. They were looking intently at me, waiting. Sakura had that kind of reluctant anxiety about her, where you suspect bad news is coming but you need to hear it. Naruto looked shaken, like he was recovering from intense shock, but was already tapping his foot impatiently. Sasuke looked... well, intense. More than usual. As though trying to force me to speak with his gaze.

I took a deep breath.

"Thirteen years ago, I was in the last Shinobi War," I began. "My team was led by Minamoto Sanbu, who was, at the time, the official Spider Sage of Konoha. He had a wife, and two children." I glanced down into the ramen bowl, Miyuki and her little ones, Jun and Tomoko standing out clear in my mind.

"Had...?" Naruto asked. Sakura shot him a look, and he didn't ask further.

"My teammates, Koroshiya Jiro and Futsuno Ayumi, were orphans," I said quietly. "Between my father's deployments elsewhere and my mother's work at the Daimyo's Court, we all grew very close. Sanbu-sensei basically treated us like his kids... He was a great teacher, a second father to myself, and family to my teammates."

I sipped some tea I had ordered, my taste buds barely responding to it's flavors. Talking seemed so very hard at the moment.

"Anyway... we were assigned to support a regular Fire Country infantry division in Grass Country," I continued. "We did reconnaissance, assassinations, missions of that nature. We were at war, remember. Sanbu's family stayed at the local base." I held a hand against my upper lip, my thumb and index finger splayed out across my cheeks. It was a bit of a habit. My lips were frequently chapped and I got self-conscious about it at times.

"One day, we were called in to do a series of strikes behind enemy lines, taking out a few supply depots. They were actually decoy sites. An Iwa ninja team had figured out who we were, and had used the depots to draw us away from the infantry division's base." I drained my tea cup, and set it down, my hand shaking a little.

"What happened...?" Naruto asked.

I sighed. "The ninjas attacked the base. They snuck in explosive notes on dozens of soldiers. Detonated them simultaneously," I went on. "They then swept in, attacking the base's civilian section."

Sasuke grew increasingly grim. It was little surprise.

"When we got back, we found…" I paused. They didn't need to know the specifics. "A team of ninja with a solid plan and the element of surprise can be extremely effective. Even against an entire division. There were no survivors."

I shook my head, trying to dispel the bad memories. "The war ended soon after. Our sensei was... He wasn't himself after. He threw us into training, almost constantly. He kept trying to get missions into Earth country... Hoping to settle the score."

Sasuke didn't react to that. Sakura shook her head.

"But... It doesn't explain how... How he..." She trailed off.

I closed my eyes, and then opened them again. God this was tough... Like pulling a barbed knife out of your stomach.

"The Hokage thought that Sanbu needed a break... That we all did... So our sensei decided to take us on a training journey, that would last one year. It's kind of traditional." I glanced down at the ramen bowl.

"... One month into it, after he was sure the minder ANBU had sent along to shadow us to make sure he wasn't going to do anything reckless, was gone... he revealed he had obtained two summoning contracts, in addition to the Spider scroll. He gave us each one, and said that the real training would begin now..." I was silent for a moment.

"Each scroll had been modified by our sensei to reverse summon the first person to use them. Right into the realms where those summons lived. He had also ensured that we could not return to our world for a whole year... I ended up on the Spider Plane."

"The Spider Plane... you mean…? There was nothing but Spiders there?" Naruto asked.

I nodded. "Not quite, but basically. What was more... he had taken all our weapons and tools away beforehand."

Sakura gaped in disbelief. "But... But you had your jutsu, didn't you?"

I snorted. "I was the field medic of the group, and I supported the others with a little genjutsu and some traps. Jiro was the powerhouse, but he only knew a few jutsu. And Ayumi, well... She was smart, very smart, and knew several jutsu... But her stamina was low and she was cocky. What was more... He'd sent all three of us to worlds we were deathly terrified to be in."

"You mean... You were afraid of spiders?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Absolutely, one hundred percent terrified. As a kid I'd leave the room if I saw a house spider, let alone something like Ringumo," I said. Ayame poured me more tea, which I gratefully accepted and drank. "Ayumi ended up in the Land of the Dead... And Jiro found himself... somewhere? An ocean plane. Completely underwater. We're still not entirely sure."

"My God," Sakura muttered. She looked ill. Sasuke grimaced. Naruto shook his head in disbelief.

"And your sensei?" He asked.

"He... got too deep into the Spider Sage's abilities, lost himself," I said. "You saw the results."

Sakura looked green, and moved further away from her nearly untouched bowl of ramen. Sasuke looked away, but disgust and horror was written in his body language. Naruto shuddered.

"Oh God... Ugh."

I nodded. "I had initially intended to ease you into all this slower. But…" I sighed again. "Sensei just gave me an excuse. I guess I wanted you guys to trust me."

"By… showing us your past?" Sakura asked. I nodded.

"Expecting you to trust a stranger when you're this age isn't rational," I replied. "I shared part of myself with you guys, and as your sensei I know a fair amount about your pasts. So, I hope we're even." I looked seriously into their eyes, each of them. It was good that they were all sitting to one side of me.

"I also wanted you all to get a good look at how rough the life of a ninja can get," I added. "It's not all glory and becoming Hokage..."

At Sakura's queasy look, Naruto's scowl, and Sasuke's deep frown, I coughed.

"Don't take this as an attempt to scare you off though. It's not all horror and darkness either! Sure, it's rough. It's horrible sometimes even," I smiled. "But I don't regret following this path. There's a lot of good that comes from it. Ultimately, it's up to each of you to decide for yourselves what something is or isn't." I rolled my shoulders.

"So! Take this as your first lesson from me, your sensei. Understanding is a three edged sword: Your side, their side, and the truth."

They were silent for a bit, before Sasuke, of all people, spoke.

"I thought your first lesson was teamwork," he said in a deadpan tone. The tension broke, as Sakura and Naruto looked in disbelief at Sasuke. I smiled.

"Okay, second lesson then. Memory _is_ the second thing to go in old age."

"What's the first thing?" Naruto asked, slowly grinning. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"I forget," I replied, calmly sipping my tea. Sasuke smirked. Naruto grinned.

Sakura actually giggled, "That's such an old joke, sensei."

"Well, I'm an old guy, right?"

"Not _that_ old."

The Ichirakus moved out from the background, Ayame starting up a cheerful conversation with Naruto. Secretly, I breathed a sigh of relief.

The bond seemed to be holding between the three of them. Sakura, I wasn't too sure about. She had decided to become a ninja in part due to her crush on Sasuke, after all. She seemed to be holding it together though, even though I could tell she'd probably be having nightmares tonight.

Still... Nobody had quit. Nobody hated me. Nobody hated their teammates. Maybe I wasn't so bad at this sensei thing after all?

It was at this moment my "Spider Sense" went off, and I sprung off the stool a split second before a snake embedded it's fangs in my seat.

"Holy shit!" Naruto shouted, as Sakura shrieked in terror. I did a one-handed handspring and deftly landed on my feet. Facing me, and wearing a frightening (albeit a pants-tighteningly arousing) smile, was Anko.

"Aren't you the casanova?" Anko hissed. "We have our first date and you don't bother to call me for two days afterward."

"Anko! Hi! Uh, well... I meant to call but..." I stopped. "Wait a minute, we were together for two days!"

Anko grinned viciously. "Still counts, lover boy. Besides, you lied to me. You said you'd make me breakfast!"

"I did!"

"Correction, your clone did," Anko hissed. She blurred, and I narrowly parried the strike of her kunai with one of my own. She forward-flipped right over me, letting me get a very nice look at her cleavage that I would have appreciated more if she wasn't attacking me.

"You really upset me, Andoryuu-chan~," she leered. "You're so going to make up for it!"

"Ah, can't we talk about this, Anko-chan-WOAH!" I ducked, barely escaping her knife slash. She'd managed to nick my cheek, and saucily she licked my blood off her blade.

"I think we're past talking right now," she purred. "Let's get to the fun!"

Suffice it to say... Team 7 didn't get to do any missions that day, either. However, I was able to summon Ookamigumo, the wolf spider who had taught me hunting and evasion, to do some training with them.

I was busy appeasing Anko... Which, as you can imagine, was very, very time consuming. And was not as much fun as you might think.

Well, depends on your tastes, I suppose...


	3. Chapter 3

The next few weeks passed rather quickly. Not literally of course, time continued on at the same plodding pace it always had, but it seemed to go by fast in retrospect. After all, even if this world was new to me, to my Other it was pretty much business as usual.

I started Team 7 off on tree climbing as the first thing for them to learn. It was nice and simple and had plenty of applications. I think I sold Naruto most of all when I demonstrated how you could catch an enemies' thrown kunai with said skill, and then throw it right back. In one motion, with enough skill.

Granted, I cut a bit off his ear but he walked it off. Tough kid. Didn't even get that nasty with revenge. Just used an Anko version of his Harem Jutsu. I didn't get a nosebleed so much as screamed in terror. Even Sakura was laughing at me too hard to get mad.

Hey, one Anko is tough enough. Twenty of her, I'd probably walk right up to Itachi and tell him his mother was a whore.

I also had them doing D-Ranks, as many as I could get. I didn't know when Tazuna would show up, so we were at the Mission Office every single weekday. I know, I didn't _have _to take the mission. It might not be assigned to us at all. But it was a critical event that forged the team together in canon, and I had a feeling the hand of fate would not let me escape it.

Naruto's Kage Bunshin allowed us to do several missions at once, stuff that I considered good training for him. After all, the better he could manage his clones, the better he could... well, manage his clones. Making him realize he could get memories from them helped as well. Seriously Kakashi, I could only blame Kishimoto for poor writing before landing here. You knew how the jutsu worked.

To keep the others busy, I had Sakura read all my dad's books and had all three of them plan out how to do each mission, which I gave a different objective each time. One was to paint a fence without being seen doing it. That was particularly fun to watch. Naruto's pranking skills and experience had given him a good grounding in operational planning, Sakura's considerable brains let her fill in any gaps, and Sasuke's attention to detail helped them edit it out into something usable.

I wrote down the whole shebang but I'll have to probably rewrite it. (Note to self: do not write journal while eating ramen).

Every Saturday, I would summon one of my spiders to do a particular training exercise with them. Ookamigumo was a Portia spider, a type of jumping spider. Spiders are the only arthropods that have a central nervous system, and the Portia spider was easily the smartest of them all. They are rather like ninjas in their natural state: They throw captured flies into other spiders' webs to attract the owner of the web in order to eat them, they imitate the mating dances of spiders to deceive them, they use the terrain to their advantage while hunting… seriously, these things are scary enough when they're little and not sentient. I remember a documentary on funnel web spiders in Australia. Apparently they will get annoyed by lawnmowers and chase down and bite people, sending them to the hospital. Thank god my Other never met any during his time away.

Anyway, it's little surprise that Ookamigumo was very, _very_ good at stealth, hunting, and deception. The exercises were fairly simple. Try to get Ookami before he got you. The results were, well... somewhat predictable.

Naruto gave as good as he got, and nearly every exercise involving him ended with explosions. His win/loss ratio was a little fuzzy because of this. Sakura worked at being clever, and more often than not got her ass kicked but she did become progressively better and better at evading Ookami. Sasuke didn't waste any time and tried to kick Ookami's ass before he found him. Despite being rookie of the year and very talented for his age- well. Ookami has been at this for a very long time, and about the only times you can beat him is if you are very, very smart (like Sakura), very, very crazy (like Naruto), or very, very lucky (like me).

In all honesty though, all three of them more often than not ended up tied up in webbing and left hanging from trees. Upside-down. Sometimes for hours.

Hey, it's how Ookami taught me and look how I turned out!

Obviously my students were less than appreciative, and after finding my house filled with raspberry jam (only one team would dare give me the raspberry!) and all my clothes replaced with bondage outfits (I suspect Anko supplied them), I decided to make it up to them with all of my basic jutsu. All of which my sensei had entitled "camping jutsu".

These were all very basic: a small fireball jutsu for lighting a campfire, a jutsu that made a little orb of light in your palm (think 'lumos'), a jutsu for condensing water out of the air to drink, a jutsu that produced a current of electricity in your palm, a jutsu that would activate the seals in your tent to make it stand up… Lots of fun, simple stuff that was practical and useful.

At Naruto's complaints that he wanted cool combat jutsu, I reminded him that even the most basic jutsu, with sufficient chakra and in the right circumstances, could be awesome attacks. After all, hadn't he pulled off pranks with very simple materials?

The very scary grin that emerged on Naruto's face, and the expressions of dread on my other students' faces convinced me to come up with another training exercise to keep them busy with. Seriously, the kid was like Macguyver. Give him the chance and he'd combine dozens of rather disparate and useless items together to form a laser cannon or a railgun or something.

Hence, I gave each of them their first jutsus to master. For Naruto, I gave him Doton: Kaisaku no Jutsu, and had him practice controlling his clones from underground.

Yes, apparently digging underground was totally a ninja skill he'd learned off screen. Thanks Kishimoto, that was very helpful. Granted, I was probably going to get a lot of hell from the townspeople for essentially creating a plague of giant, orange-garbed prairie dogs, but screw them, it was useful.

For Sakura, I had her learn how to make her own explosive tags, and a rather simple genjutsu that was entitled Genjutsu: Kyousei. It was a compulsion genjutsu that made a person focus on anything affected by the jutsu. Obviously it would only work on ninjas below a certain skill or power level, but I figured that, since her crush on Sasuke seemed to be relatively under control, her genius could shine through and allow her to come up with some nasty applications for both.

For Sasuke, I called in the standing order the Sandaime had promised me for the first time to have Kakashi give Sasuke some individual instruction in a jutsu or two. I hadn't the foggiest what to teach him and I wasn't prepared to hand over any Spider-style techniques to any of my students just yet.

I mean, it was all good and well in theory to try teaching them rasengan and chidori and so on. Except I didn't know them myself.

I explained to Naruto and Sakura that since my skill set was a little low on elemental jutsu, I'd see if I could get them some more jutsu from the other jounin. Though I might need their help for some bribery.

Naruto looked a little suspicious, but it looked like he did at least appreciate what I was doing for him and agreed. Sakura went along with Naruto. And Sasuke, who had already benefited from this, was willing to help.

This is how we came to be at Team 8's training grounds, on what looked like a very nice Monday morning.

I hadn't really gotten that great a look at Team 8 inside the classroom, as I was busy having a panic attack at the fate of the elemental countries being dropped in my lap. Now that I was calmer, I was able to give them some thorough scrutiny.

Shino looked rather like a young Auron from Final Fantasy X, in the texture of his hair and his facial structure. Which was appropriate. He had the air of a quiet badass, calmly analyzing his surroundings with Vulcan-like precision. He stopped short and his focus became very intense when he spotted me. I guess I couldn't blame him. The Aburame clan was, quite understandably, cautious around spiders. And wasps. No one likes wasps. Like my students, his features were a mix of European and Asian, though in his case the European side seemed to be winning. His nose was almost Roman, which I found befitting his stoic nature.

Kiba looked like he had a fair number of ethnicities in his background, but for some reason he reminded me of a part-Navajo friend of mine. Something about the cheek bones, the hair and his eyes. Whatever his descent, he looked feral and wild, a boy who spent most of his life outside. You wouldn't be surprised to see a guy like him on a motorcycle in our world, wearing a leather jacket with a devil-may-care grin on his face. Akamaru looked like no dog breed I had ever seen before, but that was understandable. Different world, different breeds. And breeding programs involving ninja magic.

As for Hinata... Well, you think she's cute drawn? She's even cuter in real life. Like the others, she was a mix of European and Asian features, but they had come together almost perfectly to give her the best parts of both. The first description to leap to my mind was Mulan meets Snow White, with a healthier set of curves. She was pale, but not deathly so. Her hair was black but had the slightest blue sheen to it. As for her body- true to her drawings, if not a bit slimmer and more athletic, though it was difficult to make that out through her jacket.

Not that I was perving on a twelve year old girl, this was entirely scientific. I was still seeing Anko in some sort of bizarre relationship involving much too many blades. If anything, I wanted to pat Hinata on the head, maybe give her a hug and a cookie.

Besides, Kurenai was also here: very beautiful, though according to my Other's memories, very high maintenance. Even if she wasn't in an off-again, on-again relationship with Asuma, I wouldn't have any interest in her; especially if I didn't want Anko to get really upset.

I'm a good... Boyfriend? Sex friend? I really was going to have to talk to her about that.

"Hello Andoryuu," she greeted with a smile. "What brings you here?"

Hinata was staring intently at Naruto, a blush coloring her cheeks. Kiba scowled at our arrival, and Shino kept up his laser-intensity stare right at me. Or more specifically, Ringumo-chan, who was once again riding on my shoulder.

"Yuuhi-san, I was just thinking that, given the emphasis on teamwork for our ninja, that maybe our teams could benefit each other if they did some joint-training," I said. Kurenai raised an elegant eyebrow, and glanced over my students.

"Oh?"

I nodded. "The better they work here, the better they work out on real missions. Plus, we should always know who we're working with, correct?"

"Hard not to know who we're working with," Kiba jeered.

Naruto growled back. "Fuck you, Mutt!"

"Bite me, Deadlast!"

A single look from both of us silenced our students, and Kurenai and I looked back at each other.

"I see your point. I think it's a good idea," Kurenai said. "Though we need to do some assessment..."

"Agreed," I said. "So, let's do some simple sparring. Um... Sakura! You're up against Kiba."

"Er, Sensei?" Sakura asked. I looked over at her.

"Something wrong?"

"Well, no but-"

"Then get in there," I ordered. "Sasuke, Naruto, sit with Hinata and Shino won't you? Take notes."

Hinata blushed heavily as Naruto cheerfully took Kiba's vacated spot next to her. He turned to Hinata and grinned.

"Hi!"

"Um... h-hi," she replied quietly. So quietly even I had to strain to hear her. Kurenai shot a knowing look in my direction, and I shrugged, glancing over at Hinata and Naruto. Kurenai looked thoughtful, then smirked very slightly.

"Everyone, pay close attention to how this goes," I said. "Gumo-chan, go sit with Sasuke."

"Okay!" My summon cheered, and she scuttled over to hop onto Sasuke's shoulder. The Uchiha heir struggled not to shudder, and shot me a glare. I simply smiled back. Out of all of my students, Sasuke (hilariously) was taking the longest to get over his fear of spiders. Sakura was coming along, able to resist panicking unless Ringumo pulled a face hugger, and Naruto, well... He was still in his "icky things are AWESOME" phase so his immunity to spiders was going to come in soon.

Sasuke though... Well, we had to work on that.

Sakura faced Kiba in the middle of the training ground. It was a covered clearing in the forest, trees extending their branches overhead to cast mottled light all over the grass. Sakura looked a bit nervous, while Kiba just grinned.

"Relax, I'll go easy on you," he said.

Sakura bristled. "What? Easy?!"

Kiba frowned, "I was just saying, ya know, in case you were worried-" Kiba backpedaled.

"This is training! It's, it's not supposed to be easy! Especially not if you're a girl!" Sakura insisted.

Kurenai looked over at me questioningly. I shrugged. I seemed to be doing that a lot. Perhaps my assessment of Sakura as a potential Hermione wasn't too far off.

"Okay okay! Sorry!" Kiba insisted, holding his hands up. "I didn't mean anything by it!"

"Then what did you mean?" Sakura demanded.

"Begin," Kurenai said, a hint of amusement in her tone. Sakura immediately whipped out several shuriken and threw them at Kiba. He dodged several and deflected one with a kunai.

"Sheesh! Touchy! If you hadn't looked nervous I wouldn't have said anything to begin with." Kiba shouted at her. He landed and sprang forward, Akamaru providing a diversion as his master made a strong kick at Sakura's hip. Sakura pulled back out of range, and deflected Kiba's follow-up punch with her arm.

"Gah!" She cried, and snapped a kick up at Kiba's stomach. He saw it coming, and took it with a grunt, before responding with an uppercut to her jaw.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouted, as Sakura landed hard on the ground. I mentally smiled as she remembered to slap her hands against the ground, a judo technique I taught her. It dispersed a lot of momentum that would otherwise be hitting her, and hard.

"Kiyah!" She cried, snapping a kick between his legs from the ground. Kiba yelped and jumped back, allowing Sakura to get back up.

"Akamaru!" Kiba called, and Akamaru slammed his little body against the small of Sakura's back from behind.

"Arf?!" Akamaru, confused, sailed right through Sakura, and I felt some pride in my student. She had switched herself for a Bunshin very quickly.

"Wuh? Oh, where'd she-?" Kiba asked, looking around, before a kunai flew above him from behind a tree.

"Sakura Fubuki no jutsu!" She called, and a bag burst open. Kiba's jaw dropped as he was surrounded by falling cherry blossoms.

"Huh? Woah... Pretty..."

A small but quick fireball shot out into the cloud, and I winced as they all went up in a large blast.

"GAAAAHHHH!" Kiba screamed, as he was caught in a fireball. Sakura emerged, eyes wide.

"Oh no! I-I didn't mean to-!"

The smoke cleared, revealing a charred log. Sakura blinked before narrowly avoiding a punch to the head, as a slightly crispy and very unhappy Kiba counter-attacked.

"You bitch, you could have fried me!" He shouted, as an equally sooty Akamaru barked and leaped up.

"Sorry sorry sor-OW!" Sakura barely ducked Kiba's kick, even while Akamaru bit her foot. "OWOWOWLETGOLETGOLETGO!"

I had mixed feelings. Sakura was definitely losing now, but she was still avoiding any major damage. Not easy with a dog attached to you. My boys on the other hand were openly amused, Naruto began laughing and Sasuke had a wide grin.

Kurenai seemed interested in something. "Stop," she ordered, and our students froze... Well aside from Sakura, who kept shaking her foot to try and get Akamaru to let go.

"Akamaru," Kurenai said flatly. The puppy huffed, and let go of Sakura's foot. Kurenai walked over to Sakura.

"You used a Compulsion Jutsu on the paper?" Kurenai asked. Sakura nodded.

"Yes, um... On all the pieces..."

"Very ingenious... Though next time, you should include an explosive note with the mixture so you can detonate them remotely," Kurenai advised. "Having to shoot off a fireball to get them started gives away your position."

"It's what let me get away in time," Kiba grumbled. Kurenai looked over at her student and nodded.

"Yes Kiba, very good work there... Though next time, I presume you won't underestimate her?" She asked with a slight smile. Kiba scowled at Sakura.

"Yeah. Next time I'll beat her into the ground straight away," he growled.

Sakura scowled back. "Next time I'll blow you up sooner!"

"All right, all right... Relax you guys, it's nothing that you can't sleep off," I said. Sakura winced and scowled at Akamaru. The puppy panted, and made himself look quite adorable. Her anger evaporated away, and she smiled.

"Your dog's very good too," she said. Kiba raised an eyebrow, and then grinned.

"Yeah, well... He's a sucker for a pretty girl," he said. Sakura actually blushed, and I caught the speculative look on Kurenai. I let out a tiny snort.

Were all the jounin teachers little matchmakers at heart? Or was it just since I became one? I didn't know. Perhaps we were all just that bored. Though perhaps I would find out... Besides, Sakura may have been getting better, but turning into Ninja!Hermione wasn't the best direction either: Too stiff and bossy.

Oh well. All in good time.

"Sasuke, Shino, your turn," Kurenai stated. The two taciturn genin rose, both looking a bit disturbed... For them anyway. It wasn't hard to figure out why.

"... and so I said to the bug, 'Bug-san, please let me eat you! I am sooo hungry!' But Bug-san didn't say anything back! He just buzzed! I asked politely you know, there was no need to ignore me, but I felt a lot better after playing fetch with Andoryuu, I love how he throws my ball and I bring it back and he throws it again and I never know where he's going to throw it! It might be here, it might be there, it might be-!"

"Ringumo, I think you should let them spar," I called. The little spider looked over at me and then hopped off.

"Thanks for listening to me! Good luck Shino! Your bugs look juicy and delicious: I bet you'll do well!" She waved her leg at Sasuke. "Good luck Sasuke! You look juicy and delicious as well! I bet you'll do fine!" She then turned and scuttled back to me. I offered an apologetic look to both of them. Shino's face became focused, Sasuke shot me a glare but managed to calm down back somewhere to his usual expression.

Kurenai seemed amused by Ringumo, which I suppose was for the best. Presumably a genjutsu specialist was used to thinking up a lot more terrifying things than a dinner plate sized spider with a cheery disposition.

"Fight," I said, and Sasuke and Shino leapt into action, a flurry of finely controlled punched, kicks, palm strikes, and leg sweeps. I was slightly surprised, neither could gain the upper hand, and I hadn't remembered Shino being that skilled this early. Still, the manga didn't cover the other teams hardly at all up to the chunin exams, and it had been a while since I sat down with the anime. Their taijutsu was finely polished, the result of long hours of training every day. Naruto looked impressed, even though he tried to hide it, and Hinata and Kiba smiled as their teammate fought so well. Was Sakura drooling?

Yikes.

I really shouldn't have been surprised. She was, as Naruto would say, a closet pervert. Though I thought she'd have been drooling only if Sasuke was fighting, say, Neji. You know, two bishounen guys fighting, striking, each looking more focused and arrogant than the other as they try to match each other in angst and fighting skill...

"Oooh, I like how Shino moves! He's very tasty looking!" Ringumo said. Shino's eyebrow twitched, very slightly.

"And Sasuke looks juicy! Tasty, tasty!"

"You're hungry aren't you Gumo-chan?" I asked. Ringumo gave the spider equivalent of a shrug.

"Uh huh!"

I sighed, and pulled out some money. I handed it to her.

"Go to the corner store nearby, and buy yourself some food, all right?"

"All right!" Ringumo cheered, as she turned and scuttled off quickly. Kurenai's brows rose slightly, and I shrugged in return.

"Kids," I said succinctly, my eyes on the spar. Kurenai chuckled.

Both of our students had relaxed considerably now that Ringumo was gone, and their movements became more natural and fluid. It was easy to see what they were doing: assessing each other's strengths and weaknesses using taijutsu first. Shino's fighting style was very controlled and focused, with a minimum of flair. By no means was he predictable though. Well, to other genin of course.

Sasuke's fighting style was very quick and aggressive, with a minimum of defense. That made sense, it was made for Uchiha, and when you have a Sharingan, you literally see attacks coming. It made for a counter-heavy defense.

Sasuke leaped up and performed a hammer kick, which Shino caught and used a burst of strength to flip him up over Shino's head. However, my student had done this on purpose. As he flipped in midair, he tucked his hands close to his body and performed hand seals in quick succession.

"Katon: Goukakyu no jutsu!" Sasuke bellowed, shooting a fireball at Shino. He was quickly consumed by the flames. Or rather, a small cloud of his bugs were consumed, as he had replaced himself with his kikai at the last moment. Sasuke was surprised only for a moment before he spun around, seeking out Shino.

Whoops. Forgot to look up! Shino landed a kick right to his face.

"Gah!" Sasuke cried. His hands snapped together and he swung Shino down onto the ground, hard. A swarm of kikai left Shino's pants and buzzed after Sasuke, an attack my student was barely able to get away from. He made more handseals and unleashed a stream of flames, which Shino deftly evaded. Shino then threw a kunai with a flash tag attached, which went up in the flames and blinded everyone who hadn't closed their eyes in time.

Specifically, everyone other than Shino, Kurenai, and myself.

"GAH!"

"AUGH!"

"DAMNIT!"

I reopened my eyes just in time to see Shino taking advantage of Sasuke's closed eyes. However, my student hadn't been as careless as before, and when Shino was in range he lashed out with a wide punch that landed in Shino's gut. A blow which Shino returned to Sasuke's face.

"Hurk!" Sasuke cried. He staggered back and got back into fighting position, but Shino had slid his hands into his pockets quite calmly.

"What're you doing...?" Sasuke asked.

"This battle is over," Shino stated. Sasuke's eyes widened, as he felt his chakra being drained away.

"The flash tag was merely a means of cover for my allies, a window wherein either you would be blinded, or would close your eyes to protect your sight," Shino stated.

"And I did it all thirty-five minutes ago," I mumbled. At Kurenai's questioning look I waved my hand in a small circle and shook my head with a grin. I walked over as Sasuke collapsed.

"All right, very good both of you," I said. Kurenai nodded to Shino, and the victor withdrew his insects back into his coat.

I stood over Sasuke. "All right there?"

Sasuke glowered up at me, and I shrugged.

"Hey, it just means that you need some more work," I said. "Anyway, you were keeping up just fine until he used his insects. You'll get your sharingan soon, I should think."

Sasuke stared at me for a few moments, before nodding and getting back up. He looked at Shino and smirked.

"Next time," he said.

Shino nodded. "Next time."

Sakura was staring at Shino in some disgust. Hmm... Looks like her ickiness resistance wasn't as high as I thought it was. Might have to start sneaking spiders into her bed if she was going to shift gears this fast on me...

"Just a moment," Kurenai said. "Hinata, come here."

She took Hinata to the side, as Naruto looked at me in some confusion. I shrugged in response and walked over to stand next to him, as Kurenai murmured a few things to her student.

"What's the deal?" Naruto asked. I cast a genjutsu (Kurenai had done the same thing) and smiled.

"Hinata has a bit of a confidence issue because of her family," I explained. Naruto's eyes narrowed in confusion. "Kurenai's just giving her encouragement."

"So, she's scared to fight me?" Naruto asked.

I nodded slowly. "More like she's afraid she won't perform well, but yeah," I slapped his shoulder. "You're not going to take it easy on her though, right?"

"No! Why would I do that?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Good. I'm thinking you and Hinata could teach a lot to each other while you spar."

"Oh? What do you and Anko-sensei learn from each other?"

"Kuchiyose no-"

"I take it back, I take it back!"

I nodded and smirked, before dropping the genjutsu the moment Kurenai did the same for hers. I smiled at Naruto, and went over to watch with Kurenai.

"So, give him some encouragement?" Kurenai asked.

"No, he wondered what you were up to, and I explained Hinata probably needed a pep talk. Then he teased me, for which I will think up a suitable response," I replied quietly. "What'd you tell Hinata?"

Kurenai just smiled, her scarlet eyes almost glowing in mischief. "You'll see..."

I turned back to the pair. Hinata was in a Jyuken stance, looking more surefooted than I had thought she'd be. Her cheeks were bright red. Little surprise there. Naruto though was holding his hands up, elbows slightly bent, and his feet were placed in an unusual stance... I frowned.

Wait a minute...

"Begin!" Kurenai ordered, and Hinata struck first, hand snapping out at high speed. Naruto's hand snapped forward at an angle, managing to deflect the blow. I watched his movements carefully, confusion mounting.

That was Jeet Kun Do... How would Naruto...?

Oh. Duh. Where else? He'd seen me "sparring" with Anko, and, well... Truth be told I didn't have a specific fighting style. My Other didn't I mean. I was originally the team medic, and I only had a rudimentary taijutsu foundation. My spider training didn't include a specific fighting style. Why would spiders need a martial arts style that a human could use? But, it had made my Other's reflexes incredibly fast and his body incredibly flexible, so I was decent now, even though I used a bastardized combination of martial arts. I had only learned Jeet Kun Do for a few months, enough to know the basics. But it seemed even a basic style was better than what Naruto had been using.

Naruto kept blocking Hinata's strikes, hitting her wrists away with each strike. Hinata then dropped down and slammed a palm into his stomach.

"ERK!" Naruto choked, moving back. His hands formed a handseal. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Hinata was immediately surrounded by Narutos. She flashed through handseals of her own. "Byakugan!"

"Get her!" They shouted, and attacked as one. Hinata lowered a hand, and dropped a smoke bomb to the ground. She was almost instantly obscured by the billowing smoke, and the Naruto clones fought furiously, blinded...

"I got her!"

"No you dumbass! That's ME!"

It was rather comical... Especially when Hinata began annihilating the clones in quick succession. She was quite fast when she wanted to be. Even if she was considered too soft by her family, her taijutsu was very crisp and controlled.

The smoke cleared, and only one Naruto remained. Hinata blushed, but held her stance ready.

"S-Sorry Naruto-kun," Hinata said. Naruto groaned, and held his chest. She stared.

"N-Naruto?!"

"My chest... Oh God... What did you do, Hinata?" Naruto moaned, falling back. Hinata bent over to help: Which is what the real Naruto was apparently waiting for, as he burst out of the ground underneath and slammed a punch into Hinata's stomach.

"OOF!" Hinata cried, as Naruto's clone slammed another blow into her from in front. Hinata fell back, hitting the ground.

"Ah... Hey, Hinata-chan, you okay?" Naruto asked, his grin instantly replaced with a look of worry.

Hinata exchanged a glance with Kurenai, before she got back up.

"I-I'm fine," she said. Her eyes then widened and she pointed at something over Naruto's shoulder. "Oh my! What is that?!"

Okay, I know Naruto is kind of dense, especially at this stage in the plot, but even he wouldn't-

"What? Where?"

Hinata (looking very guilty) struck Naruto several times in the back, making him fall flat on his face. My hand went to my own face, and I bit it as I tried very, very hard not to laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Kiba laughed. "Way to go, Hinata!"

Sakura and Sasuke both wore looks of disbelief. Clearly they too thought Naruto wasn't that gullible. On the other hand, Hinata was rather innocent looking. That whole Mulan meets Snow White thing.

"Ow..." Naruto groaned. He got back up, and scowled at Hinata.

"Hey! That was a dirty trick to pull!"

"Um, er..." Hinata mumbled, tapping her fingers together.

"So? You're the idiot who fell for it!" Sakura shouted. Naruto looked over at me for support, and I grinned.

"Ninjas use whatever means at their disposal to win. If your enemy falls for it, then you exploit the advantage you've been given, period. Anyway, you did it first, Naruto. "

"So, you mean... Like th-Damnit!" Naruto shouted, as the Shadow Clone he'd had sneaking up behind Hinata was summarily dispatched by the dark haired girl. "How did you do that?"

"One, you gave yourself away," Sakura stated, "and two, she's a Hyuuga. She has the Byakugan."

"Oh... Um, the what now?" Naruto asked.

I am am kind of glad that the anime sweatdrop is indeed simply an artifact of the animation. That would be weird in ways ninja magic would fail to explain. However, if it wasn't, I can assure you we'd all be sporting one.

"Ano, it's my kekkei genkai... I-I can see almost 340 degrees around myself," Hinata explained. "Also, thr-through physical objects, and I can also s-see chakra."

"Really? That's amazing!" Naruto grinned. "Tell me more!"

"How would you like the chance to train and talk with Hinata more tonight?" Kurenai asked.

It came together in an instant. Kurenai had promised Hinata a date with Naruto to push her to fight at her best. I immediately shot Sakura and Sasuke with a glare, though I probably needn't have bothered. Sasuke looked impatient and bored and Sakura, realizing that she might be free of Naruto if things worked out, was trying not to whoop in excitement.

"Why not right now?" Naruto asked.

"Because I'm going to give you all a practical lesson against genjutsu. Then, you will be trained according to the strengths and weaknesses this session has revealed," Kurenai continued, very business-like. "That was the purpose of this exercise, to see where we need to improve."

"Really? New jutsu? Okay!" Naruto grinned. I allowed Kurenai to handle this part of the meeting herself. My genjutsu knowledge was basic for a jounin. Many of my summons were very good with genjutsu, but as you might expect from spiders, the majority dealt with baiting or deceiving prey. All well and good for managing an enemy's attention, but not much variety beyond that. I had picked up a few tricks, but Kurenai was a specialist.

Kurenai was a very good teacher, demonstrating the kai technique that was used to disrupt genjutsu. She answered all of her (and my) students questions in ways they could understand, and explained a few useful tactics for employing it.

"However, keep in mind that this essentially just disrupts a genjutsu," Kurenai explained. "In combat, it's usually better to be aware of the genjutsu but be able to resist or counter it."

"Why not just break the genjutsu?" Sasuke asked.

"Because then your enemy knows that you have done so. Most ninja will employ genjutsu to lure you into a trap or to allow them to approach to killing range," Kurenai explained. "If you're able to deceive them into thinking their genjutsu is still working, then you can spring a counter ambush." She smiled.

"However, controlled bursts of the kai technique can disrupt different parts of a genjutsu without letting your enemy know you've done it. This makes it easier for you to locate them. However, that requires very, very good chakra control."

She then proceeded to place a few simple genjutsu on our students, so that they could break them with the technique. Unsurprisingly, Sakura was able to take out single genjutsu at a time without much trouble. Hinata, while having a higher chakra level than Sakura, was also able to accomplish the same feat, though she didn't really need to; her Byakugan would let her see through most genjutsu. All the same, it was good practice.

I should have known that Naruto would overdo it, but I was so interested in watching the lesson, I didn't realize Naruto was producing an excessive amount of chakra until it was too late.

"Naruto wait a-!"

"KAI!" Naruto bellowed, and a shockwave of wind left him, making the trees shake overhead. In the distance, I could hear a few people shouting and yelling, and belatedly realized that not just ninja used genjutsu. No indeed, a fair amount of civilians used it too... Particularly women as a cosmetics substitute.

Naruto's headband had actually flown off, landing on the ground. He looked about as surprised as everyone else did.

I held in my laughter. "Hmm... Close. I think that _almost_ did it. How about you try again with even more?"

The horrified looks I got in response were too much. I started laughing, and soon everyone else was too.


	4. Chapter 4

Given Kishimoto's propensity for just writing about the ninja of his world, it might surprise you to know that it wasn't just samurai who were getting in on chakra. Monks, miko, priests, geisha… Virtually every profession that involved some form of martial arts had some chakra usage included. Even bards and circus performers used simple jutsu to liven performances up. Simple genjutsu were taught for covering up blemishes, for looking more attractive, all sorts of things, and the majority of these "glamours" you might say were easily maintained. Though to get repeat business geisha often offered to do longer lasting genjutsu they cast themselves.

There was a bit of "chakra-tech" too, involving jutsus and seals for electricity and other modern conveniences, that a lot of ninja dropouts or simply people who had no interest in going to war helped power and maintain. At first the ninja and the samurai had attempted to keep this knowledge to themselves, but as ancient technology from before the Sage of the Six paths was rediscovered or reinvented, experimentation began in fusing nature's energy with machines.

Obviously, due to chakra's place in religion it was slow going, but if governments were anything, they were pragmatic when forced into a box. People in power like the status quo, and dislike revolutions. Benevolent self interest saw a rise in standard of living for the elemental countries, as simple, useful technologies and chakra techniques were released in order for the majority to be happy, and not too curious about more dangerous ideas. For example, refrigerators were only found in commercial uses, or by the rich, but it facilitated trade, allowing fish to be transported inland, and medicine to travel further.

Firearms were another interesting thing in this world. You didn't see them a whole lot in Konoha, for good reason. Kishimoto had said guns didn't exist in his world, but given his narrow focus of the Elemental Continent's ninjas, it's not surprising he didn't include them. Oh, they existed: Ninja didn't find much use for them. Jutsu were much more flexible, and although they were well aware of the power involved in gunpowder and lead, they prefered to train individuals to the point where guns were less useful than shuriken.

The Daimyo's armies and a fair number of private citizens had access to firearms, but outside of an ambush situation, most ninja would just avoid them, or use a replacement jutsu to evade. By no means were guns useless, especially in open war, but you had to really think about how best to use them. In a world with magic, they became one more tool in a strategists toolbox, rather than the overwhelming power they became back home. Especially since the technology was still relatively rudimentary. They had developed past the front loading musket, but an assault or sniper rifle, which would arguably be useful even against ninja, weren't even dreamt of yet.

All of this added up to not being worthy of Kishimoto's attention, presumably.

In any event, after Naruto's little chakra EMP, Kurenai and I took our teams to the Hokage's office in order to explain what had happened.

Thankfully the Hokage seemed more amused than anything.

"Ho ho ho. So that was the source of all this commotion." He was referring to the crowd of upset women and men outside the tower who were complaining about the event. Naruto rubbed the back of his head and tried very hard to look innocent.

"Hmm… Let's say that an experimental jutsu has gone awry, causing the disruption. That should allay any worries. I hope this provides a lesson to you all about the care that should go into practicing new techniques, yes?"

As our six students nodded, I felt, more than saw or heard, an ANBU slip out of the room to go run damage control. A tiny shiver ran down my spine. Kishimoto frequently made ANBU out to be chumps to be taken out at will by Akatsuki, but they really are scarily good.

"Furthermore, Andoryu-san, this joint-training seems a wonderful venture! Did you have any further plans?"

"Thank you, Hokage-sama. Following on from our last conversation, I thought it might be fruitful to train together from time to time. I had planned to do something similar with team 10 in the next few days, and reach out to Maito to see if he'd be interested. I believe the rest of the teams are older or contain chunin, which would make integration trickier."

Sarutobi nodded, stroking his beard. "Hmmm. Yes, a fine idea. I'll arrange for another team to work with you all next week, and see about making an official framework for this sort of thing going forward. Our chunin teams could stand to work better together as well."

I kept my amusement to myself. If the twinkle in his eye was anything to go by, jounin-sensei weren't the only people eager to meddle with the romantic affairs of others. As I had said, there weren't that many all genin teams. I (and more importantly to the Hokage, Kurenai) would almost certainly be seeing Asuma at the next meet up.

Speaking of romance, I was now standing in Naruto's apartment, watching the little Ninja-Jesus-to-be trying very hard not to fidget as Kokubogumo adjusted and worked on his new outfit, which he was currently modeling.

"How come I have to wear this stuff?" Naruto asked.

"Girls like it when you dress up for a date," I explained. "Means you want to look good for them."

"Yeah, but... Sakura-chan never notices when I dress up nice," Naruto whined.

"Hold still," Kokubogumo admonished, as she used a little webbing to stick in a piece of fabric. Naruto resolutely tried to stay still even as he scowled. I sighed, this wouldn't be easy.

"Naruto, Sakura doesn't like you like that. She's hung up on Sasuke. You know this," I explained.

"Yeah, but I'm way better than he is!" Naruto growled. "How come she won't go out with me?"

"Well, why do you want to go out with her?" I asked.

Naruto shrugged, making Kokubogumo hiss. He straightened up.

"Well, she's really pretty, and strong, and well... I think she's a lot of fun!" Naruto enthused.

Well, that did away with a couple of fan theories. I nodded.

"And, well... I really want her to like me," Naruto sighed. "I don't see how this will help... I don't know Hinata, and well, why would she date me?"

"Naruto, look," I said, walking over and kneeling down a bit to look him in the eyes, "you're _twelve_. All of you are."

"But we're ninja!" Naruto protested.

"Yes, and? You're still kids. There's no need to expend all your effort in chasing after a girl who doesn't return your feelings," I said. "Besides, what if you did get a date with Sakura, and it turned out that you had nothing in common?"

"Sure we do! We both... Um..." Naruto thought about it for a while, his eyes closed in that odd fox-like grimace of his. "We're... Ninja," he finally said.

"So is Hinata. And Sasuke and I for that matter. Give me more."

It looked like I might be cracking through. He was actually thinking. "We're... on the same team, in the same class," he went on.

I nodded. "True. So is Sasuke. You can go out with him next week."

"Hey! Don't joke about that!" Naruto squawked, more than likely remembering his unfortunate first kiss with his rival.

"Fine. More things. What else do you have in common?"

"Well... Um... Uh..."

I waited patiently. Naruto's frown deepened.

"Well... I don't have much in common with Hinata either!" He finally protested. I smiled. Progress.

"How would you know that? Have you talked to her before?"

"No... But if that's the case, why go on a date with her?" Naruto asked.

"Simple. Dating isn't the same as marrying someone. A first date is to have fun and find out more about someone, see if you have things in common," I said with a smile.

"There's this idea called the 'three-date rule'. After three dates you should know whether or not that person is someone you want to keep being with. If they are, then you become boyfriend and girlfriend. If they aren't, you stop dating. But even if you stop dating, you might have a new friend."

"Well, what about you and Anko-sensei?" Naruto asked. I coughed and shrugged.

"Er... Well! As you get older, things get more complicated." I smiled brightly. "Fortunately you don't have to worry about all of that yet. Just go out, and try to have fun."

"And... done," Kokubogumo said. "Hold still."

"I thought you said you were done- Woah!" Naruto cried, as dozens of baby wolf spiders went up and down his body, knitting all of his clothing together with their fangs and forelegs. The finished product was quite nice, if I do say so myself.

His pants and jacket were dark, almost black, cotton lined with silk, and were cut to fit far better than his jumpsuit ever did. Indulging a bit in my fanfiction, his undershirt was an orange and long-sleeved silk garment, which would help stop kunai or shuriken from getting through. Finally, his ninja sandals had been replaced with black "ninja sneakers", another indulgence of my fanfiction, which put steel toes and heels covered by silk and leather into normal sandals. Kokubogumo had made all my clothing, and I intended her to make clothes for my team. There were several ways to build camaraderie in a military unit, and matching uniforms were a tried and true method.

Besides, it looked _cool_.

Naruto looked more than pleased when he saw himself in the mirror.

"This... this is awesome!" He enthused. He looked at me with a hopeful expression. "Can I, can I keep them?"

I smiled. "Of course you can. You're my student, after all. I only look as good as my students do."

"Oh. So are you going to make some for Sakura-chan, and Sasuke too?" He asked.

I nodded, "She's already working on it," I explained, and indeed, Kokubogumo was already working on them while her babies scurried about, carrying needles and silken thread.

"Thank you very much, Kokubogumo," I said, and glanced at Naruto meaningfully. The blond's mouth formed an "o" of understanding, and he bowed to her.

"Thank you very much, Kokubogumo!" He added.

"You're welcome," Kokubogumo replied. "Now, how many of these will you be needing?"

"Enough to replace his current wardrobe, and a few in a few larger sizes," I said. "Same with the others."

"Couldn't you have Origumo handle all this?" Kokubogumo asked.

I smiled back. "I could, but I like your work better," I said.

"Flatterer," Kokubogumo harrumphed, but she looked pleased. I checked my watch and grimaced.

"C'mon Naruto, get going or you're going to be late," I said. I handed him some money. "Don't forget the flowers, and the dinner reservations."

"Right Sensei!" Naruto said cheerfully as he leaped out the window. "Night!"

"Have a good time!" I shouted after him. I shook my head and sighed.

"Well. Showtime! Later Kokubo!" I shouted, as I took off after him.

You don't really think I'd just let Naruto go off on his first date without some supervision, do you? After all, a jounin instructor's duty is to help his student in all areas of life, including with women.

Besides, I wasn't going to be alone. My other students were approaching.

"Sensei!" Called out Sakura. I stopped on a rooftop near the Hyuuga mansion, and turned to see a beaming Sakura and an unhappy Sasuke both catching up.

"Good! Bring the camera?" I asked. Sakura held hers up with a grin.

"Got it!"

"Bring the food?" I asked Sasuke. With a deeper scowl, he held up a picnic basket.

"Ex-cellent," I said, grinning, before turning and sitting on the edge. My students sat with me, Sakura no doubt elated at being with her crush and with Naruto being far away.

"I still don't see why we're doing this," Sasuke grunted. "I always get to see that idiot make a fool out of himself."

"Yeah, but photographic evidence is a lot better," I explained. "Besides, learning how to date is important for any young man or woman."

Sakura blushed and smiled at Sasuke. Sasuke glanced at her, and snorted.

"I'd rather not know."

Sakura scowled. "Sasuke!"

I snorted in amusement, "Give it a few years kid."

"I already do missions with her," Sasuke stated flatly.

"Yeah, but it's different from dating," Sakura insisted.

"Why would I want to do that anyway? So you and Sensei and the deadlast can photograph me too?" Sasuke asked.

"You could date me, Sasuke," Sakura suggested.

"No," Sasuke said automatically. Sakura scowled.

"What's wrong with just one date?"

"You, for one," Sasuke stated.

"There's nothing wrong with dating me! I-I'm a good date!" Sakura insisted. Below, Naruto walked down the street, carrying some flowers as he approached the compound.

"You're always talking," Sasuke said. "It's annoying."

Admittedly, I was expecting Sakura to just wilt at that. But, Ninja!Hermione reared her head, and Sakura's expression became dangerous.

"Well, you're never talking... It's boring," Sakura said.

Sasuke blinked, but rallied quickly. "Then shouldn't you leave me alone?

"Maybe if you contributed to the conversation a little, I wouldn't be annoying," Sakura said.

"What would I talk about?" Sasuke replied.

"Anything! Talk about the weather for all I care," Sakura insisted.

"Hn."

"And would you stop doing that? It makes you sound stupid!" Sakura growled. Sasuke's mouth actually dropped open for a moment, and he looked over at Sakura.

"Stupid?"

"Yes, stupid! Like you can't say anything so you just grunt. Like a caveman."

As entertaining as it was to watch them argue, I did have another student to monitor. Naruto got to the door, rang the bell, and waited. I then pulled out three radio headsets, and put one on.

"What are those?" Sasuke asked.

"Radios. I bugged him," I said, completely straight faced. Sakura and Sasuke stared.

"That was horrible, sensei," Sakura said after a moment.

"Hn," Sasuke agreed.

"It wasn't a joke," I said.

"You aren't wrong there," Sasuke agreed.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu," I said.

"Hi Sakura!"

"Hey, your eyes are black!"

"EEEP!" Sakura fell back as Ringumo clung to her face, and Sasuke was doing his 'frozen in horror' expression as Fangumo, one of Ringumo's numerous (and I do mean _numerous_) sisters, examined his eyes carefully.

"Shhh," I said to my students. "It's starting."

The door to the compound opened, and Naruto entered.

While Ringumo and Fangumo dug into the carcass of a rabbit I'd brought them, my much quieter students and I listened in.

"Uzumaki Naruto. Welcome to our home," intoned a rather stoic voice. I recognized it as Hiashi's.

"Thank you! Where's Hinata?" Naruto asked.

"She'll be along in a moment, Naruto," said... Kurenai?

"What's she doing there?" Sakura asked. I shrugged.

"Probably helping Hinata with the date, just like I was helping Naruto."

There were a few more minutes of small talk, Hiashi and Kurenai both questioning Naruto on a few things. I smirked a little as they played good cop and bad cop. Hiashi being direct and forceful with a slight edge of menace, and Kurenai being kind and understanding and slightly guiding Naruto's answers. It was amazing how well they worked together, actually. Almost like they'd done this before...

Nah. Couldn't be like that. Sure, Hiashi was widowed, but seriously, that wasn't a crack pairing, that was a shrooms pairing. Perhaps they'd been on a mission together at some point. Or they were both just that good at social combat. It was a useful skill in the less violent jobs we sometimes had to do.

"H-Here I am..."

Dead silence for a bit.

"Hey Hinata! Wow, you look great!" Naruto enthused loudly. A little too loudly, even for him.

"Th-thank you," Hinata replied.

"Now, get going," Kurenai gently pushed. "Don't be late. Have a good time."

Naruto sounded a bit anxious, and it wasn't hard to see why when they emerged. Hinata was on his arm, blushing and smiling in a very nice blue yukata. I felt Sasuke stiffen and Sakura's eyes widen in shock on either side of me.

"Where did those come from?" Sakura mumbled.

"Wouldn't get many of those to the kilo," said Sasuke under his breath, whose attention was suddenly much higher than it had been a few minutes ago. Sakura noticed.

"Stop that!" Sakura hissed.

"What?" Sasuke asked.

"Sensei, Sasuke is… is perving on Hinata!" Sakura growled.

"I am not!" Sasuke retorted.

He totally was. I would've at that age.

"Well, considering you were ogling Naruto earlier," I said dryly. Sakura's cheeks turned bright red.

"I-I was not!"

"Call me a pervert," Sasuke snorted.

"I am not! He's just got a nice outfit. Sensei was saying we'll both have them soon."

"Like mother like daughter," Sasuke went on.

Sakura whacked Sasuke upside the head. Sasuke stared in disbelief, and I couldn't blame him. Sakura had been reverting a little more back to her pre-"Sleepover" persona. Apparently pissing her off brought out Inner more often.

She glared at me, "I talked to Mom. She tends bar some weekends for the cash. She says _your_ brother got tossed out after getting into a huge fight with some guy, and now he's spreading rumors about her and the bouncer!"

Huh. I nodded. "That sounds like Ben all right. Sorry, but you can't pick your relatives, right?"

Sakura frowned, but nodded.

"If we're doing this, we'd better go," Sasuke pointed at the distant pair of daters.

"Oh, come on, we're going to lose them," Sakura ordered, and set off.

"You're right, let's move," I agreed. Sasuke nodded quickly, and he headed after her.

"Do we get more food, Ando-kun?" Ringumo asked cutely. Her sister looked equally hopeful. I smiled.

"Yes you do."

"Yay!" The two spiders cheered, before jumping up to my shoulders. I set out after my students, until we were looking over a very nice restaurant. I had taken care to choose one set up after the Kyuubi attack, in order to get Naruto fair service. While Naruto was never outright refused service at various stores, unless someone happened to be with him, he tended to get poor service.

The care and attention showed by the staff here though, that was a little odd. They treated the two like royalty, getting them their table in moments and their orders underway. It was a bit odd. Sure, Hinata was essentially village royalty, but there was a bit of anxiety in their movements.

Maybe Kurenai had intimidated them? I hadn't seen it myself, given I'd never been a target of her ire, but the genjutsu mistress was apparently inventively scary when pushed.

My eyes flitted to a large party in the restaurant near Hinata and Naruto's table. Lots of people were packed at the tables, surrounding a couple. A man with red hair, and a long-haired brunette woman...

My blood went cold as I saw her. Both of them, actually.

"Sensei?" Sakura asked. I slowly rose. So did the man, and he looked around with a smile at his guests.

"Attention everyone! We invited you all out here to make an announcement," he said. He gestured to his wife with a proud smile. "Shiina is pregnant! We're having a baby!"

Applause filled the receiver, and I pulled it away.

"Sensei?" Sakura pressed.

"... Stay here," I mumbled, as I jumped down to the street below. I knew this was a bad idea, but I felt compelled as soon as I saw her. I entered the restaurant, and Shiina's eyes caught sight of me. Her face brightened.

I never could think straight around her. In either world.

"Andoryuu!" She said happily. I nodded to her, and to the rest of the people. They were all so very familiar between both of my memories, synching up nearly perfectly. This actually just made things worse, especially when her spouse rose and offered his hand.

"Andoryuu! I'm glad you made it," he said.

"Tomu," I returned.

The feelings were exactly the same when it came to this man between realities. Rage, murderous, seething rage. In this world I actually could carry out the murder fantasies I had toyed with, and I had to remind myself that killing this man in front of his pregnant wife was not a good idea. Several times.

"I guess you missed the announcement then," Tomu grinned. Shiina looked a bit concerned. Always could see through me. "Shiina's-!"

"I'm... Pregnant," his wife interrupted. She smiled happily. "I... I'm glad you remembered this time," she said. "I know you're very busy..."

Right. Remembered. Sure I did. Was I just God's punching bag or something? Seeing these two together was bad enough. This...?

"Yes, well... Congratulations," I managed. Shiina nodded.

"So, will you stay for dinner? We're paying for it," she said.

"Got a nice bonus at work, it's worth it," Tomu said.

"I… already had dinner, I just... wanted to give my congratulations," I quickly tried to cover. Now that I was here, I realised this was the last place I wanted to be. Tomu chuckled.

"You know Andoryuu, I keep getting the idea you don't like me," he joked.

Well, that might be the first idea you've ever had that wasn't completely idiotic.

"Ahem... Well, it's good you're here," Shiina said with a smile. "I was wondering... Um, that is..."

"It's twins, so, we were wondering if you'd like to be their godfather?" Tomu asked with a smile. "Or just take one. There's two after all... Hope they take after me, get nice girls, just like I did," he joked.

That urge to stab him to death just got worse, to the point I actually began flexing my wrists, ready to slip a pair of daggers out into my hands.

Looking over at Shiina helped, but not that much. She looked so very hopeful. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"If you don't want to-" She began.

"I'll do it... I'm honored," I managed. Tomu, oblivious Tomu, smiled and clapped me on the shoulder.

"Great! Why don't you sit down, have some food?"

I noticed Naruto and Hinata. They'd been watching the whole time. Damn, I was screwing this up on every level.

"Can't," I said. "My student is on a date... Wouldn't want to cramp his style," I said.

Both looked over at Naruto. Tomu's eyebrows went up, but Shiina smiled.

"Oh! Would you care to join us?" She asked politely. That got a fair number of looks.

"Er, well, we're kind of on a date," Naruto said. Hinata nodded, and reached over, placing her hand over Naruto's. My blond student blushed.

"Yes, we are," Hinata managed.

"Oh, right, of course. Have fun then," Tomu said with a smile. Naruto nodded.

"Thanks... Hey, Sensei! You want to eat with us?"

Naruto's lack of social awareness was my only lifeline, and in this instance, I'd gladly grab ahold.

Hinata bit her lower lip, clearly looking back and forth between us... Before she softly sighed, and nodded.

"Sure, I'd like that," I said quickly. I nodded to them both, and forced my eyes not to linger on either of them, as I went over to Naruto and Hinata's table. I pulled up a chair, and sat down. Tomu and Shiina went back to the party, Shiina looked over her shoulder at me, before nodding and following her husband.

"Er, Sensei?" Naruto muttered.

"I'm so sorry about this. I… know them. Things get complicated when you get older," I explained.

Naruto blinked. "Oh…" He looked over at Tomu. "You want me to prank him or something?"

I snorted, "Don't tempt me. I don't want you getting into trouble on my behalf."

"You and her?" Hinata asked quietly. I glanced over at her, and she flushed.

I sighed. "It's... A long story."

Naruto scowled. "You have a lot of those."

"Yes. I do. You get more of those with age as well," I said, before replacing myself with a Shadow Clone. I slipped out the back, and headed up to where Sasuke and Sakura were. As they looked at me, I belatedly realized they had heard every word.

At least they were trying to pretend they hadn't. There was that.

I settled in, watching Hinata and Naruto's date continue. It actually seemed to go pretty well from then on, as their conversation became more fluid and more natural. My shadow clone nursed a drink, waiting for the party to become distracted before giving Naruto and Hinata his thanks and walking off to dispel. Me, well... I kept my focus on them... And off the party nearby.

Every ninja has their weakness. It's no different for me. And with this, I turned my thoughts towards future problems, in order to avoid thinking about the past.

I will admit, I brooded a lot until Naruto and Hinata were done with their meal. And, as it took them nearly two hours to finish, I did a lot of brooding. To the point Sasuke actually commented on it.

"Sensei, stop it."

"Stop what?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. I looked over at Sakura, who had a similar scowl.

"Sorry, Sasuke, you don't have a monopoly on brooding."

"Don't be rude sensei," Sakura's scowl deepened. "Look, you know you can trust us, right? Can't you tell us what's wrong?"

"I don't want every meeting of ours to involve someone's tragic backstory," I said flatly.

"Ah, so it is tragic," Sakura sussed out with a nod. "So, did that woman break your heart or something?" Her expression softened as I said nothing. "Oh God, that's what happened! And… now she's pregnant with that guy... Sensei, that's... that's horrible!"

I frowned. "No, that's life. It just sucks when it happens to you."

"Does everything with you involve trauma or tragedy?" Sasuke asked flatly.

"Look who's talking, 'Avenger'," I snorted. Sasuke scowled.

"That's different. And at least I don't talk about it every meeting."

"You wear it on your sleeve in almost every action you take."

"Awww... Don't do this Ando-kun!" Ringumo whined as she crawled up my back and sat on my shoulder. "You're no fun when you're depressed over her!"

"I do not get depressed over her," I said flatly.

"He gets so depressed he just lays in his web and doesn't throw my ball at all," Ringumo confided.

"Gumo-chan!" I growled.

"Not throwing our ball is very mean," Fangumo added, crawling up to my other shoulder.

"No, not throwing my ball is very mean," Ringumo corrected her sister.

"Then what is not throwing my ball?" Fangumo demanded.

"More ball throwing for me!" Ringumo said, and blew the spider version of a raspberry.

"Ando-kun! Ringumo is being mean to me!" Fangumo whined.

"Am not! Fangumo is too dumb to know you like me best and that it's my ball!" Ringumo retorted.

I sighed, and formed two balls out of webbing. "Fetch," I said, tossing them behind me.

"BALL!" The sister spiders cheered, and raced after them. Sasuke just raised his eyebrows. I shrugged.

"They're easily pleased, but you can understand why I only summon a few of them at a time," I said.

"How many are there?" Sakura asked.

"Their generation? About three hundred. I'm not on first name terms with them all," I explained. Sakura's eyes bugged out, and Sasuke stared.

"Three-hundred?!" She cried. I nodded.

"It's actually on the low end... Jorougumo's species usually lays from 400-1500 eggs."

"Are they all like that?" Sasuke asked. I smirked.

"Those two are among the most… bubbly, but the least, shall we say, affectionate," I confided.

"Affectionate?" Sakura asked, making a face.

"Well, you have to understand, the Jorou-clan of spiders are shapeshifters," I explained. "That is their greatest strength, the ability to turn into almost anything, like a natural henge. Given that the majority of them are female... And have reached sexual maturity..." My expression darkened. "And are very fond of me..."

Sasuke shuddered. "Fangirls."

"Bingo. But you don't have to worry about your fangirls eating you."

"I'm not certain about that."

"Oh come on, we are not that bad," Sakura snorted. She backtracked at Sasuke's look. "N-Not that I'm a fangirl! No, not a fangirl at all!"

I smirked, enjoying my students' bickering again. Hey, the less attention they paid to my tragic past, the less I had to think about it.

Down below, Tomu gave his wife and mother of his children a kiss. My scowl deepened.

Bastard. Why do I only get the crazy women and spiders after me?

At last, Naruto and Hinata left the restaurant. We followed from the rooftops, my summons clutching onto my shoulders.

"They seem to be hitting it off," Sakura commented with a smile. I looked down closely, and had to smile. Even after a couple of hours, the two of them were still excitedly talking. About things they'd seen in the Academy, Naruto's pranks mostly. A little about life in the village, favorite things. Even some taijutsu advice and thoughts on jutsu popped up. You wouldn't think Hinata would open up so easily, but maybe it's because she didn't have many chances in canon.

Which brought me to another problem I had been trying to put off, but when I'm depressed I start thinking about very serious, dark things.

Namely, what the hell was I going to do?

I had a lot of dangerous information at my disposal, but only a vague idea of how to use it. The fact that I now had an emotional investment in this world, these people, just made it more complicated.

I glanced over at Sasuke, who snorted as Naruto tripped on the sidewalk and nearly fell over. I had made a few little changes, and he seemed a little more at ease with his team, a little closer to it. He'd been bested in training, which I will admit was a surprise... Until Kurenai admitted she'd had Gai give Shino some help in his taijutsu. Then it made a lot more sense.

The thing was, he still wanted revenge on his brother, and that road could very easily turn completely and totally dark, just as it had in canon. Especially if Orochimaru got his Cursed Seal on him.

What could I do about that?

... I was coming up empty. For all my skills, I was no match for Orochimaru. Period. End of story. Even superior tactics and an ambush can only go so far against a foe who was so much stronger, faster, and more experienced than me. Assuming I could come up with superior tactics, which was unlikely. The older the ninja, the more experienced and powerful they were. Fuck that bullshit Kakashi spouted post-time skip: Nine times out of ten, the more experienced ninja wastes the less experienced.

Except in cases dealing with Naruto, but that was Naruto. Pratchett called it narrative-causality, the internet called it plot-armor. I was living here now, I couldn't call it anything because I couldn't rely on it.

So that left the question of what could I do? I had a few options... I could tell the Hokage I suspected Orochimaru would infiltrate the Chuunin Exams to get his hands on Sasuke.

"On what evidence?" He would ask.

Ah. Right. I had none. Not even so much as a hunch. I could... Capture Kabuto, get information out of him. Except I had no experience in breaking prisoners and that kind of thing took time. Besides, Kabuto was a twisted son of a bitch, and was possibly as strong as myself. He had his own agenda. Hell, even throwing him into the Spider Plane might not break... him… Hmm.

The Spider Plane.

Of which I was the Sage.

The Boss Clan of which were the Jorou Spiders.

Who were masters of disguise.

I was handed the keys to solving all my problems from the moment I got here, and I only just now realized it. Jesus, maybe Harry Potter was right, wizards can't do logic to save their lives, and apparently, neither can ninja.

"Ball Ando, ball!" Ringumo and Fangumo chanted. I looked over at them.

"Gumo-chan, Fan-chan. I have a mission for you."

"Do we get to play ball after?" Fangumo asked. I nodded.

"If you succeed, I'll get you both your own balls to play with. All. The. Time."

The little spiders' eyes seemed to grow larger.

"A-Ando-kun!" They cried, and leaped onto me to glomp me.

"Ack!" I cried. Sasuke and Sakura smirked a little.

"How cute... and disgusting," Sakura quipped.

"I can always allow you to to share in the experience, you know," I said flatly. "They have two hundred and ninety-eight brothers and sisters."

"I think I'll pass," Sasuke said, almost apologetic. I look at my summons.

I worked my jaw a little, and fed a little chakra into my tongue. "_Okay, you two... There is a medic nin by the name of Yakushi Kabuto. He wears glasses, has silver hair, is around 17, tends to wear purple. I want you two to watch him, and make sure he doesn't know you're doing it._" I explained in the language of the spiders. Yes, I was an… arachne-tongue? I don't know. It wasn't as useful as Parselmouth though. You could only speak to Summons with it, and the only way to gain it was to survive being bitten by the Spider Boss herself.

Which I did... And how I survived is another story. Good God is it another story.

But, it was good for relating secret commands to my summons. What did it sound like? Well... It's hard to describe in text. It was a mix of sounds and smells, and to do it I had to channel chakra into a few places in my head and throat and hold it, like holding my breath underwater. Clicks, hisses, cracks, little spitting sounds and other things like that seemed to form the basic syntax. The pheromone component involved various glands in my body I had to temporarily "reprogram" using chakra to emit the right scents.

"_What are we watching him for?_" Fangumo asked.

"_I think he's a traitor and a spy, working for Orochimaru."_

"_A spy? You suspect him?"_ Ringumo asked.

"_Yes."_

"_Why?"_ Fangumo asked innocently.

"_It's complicated. He's a spy. Dangerous. I need to know what he's doing,"_ I said.

The two spiders agreed. "_We won't fail you, Ando-kun!"_ Ringumo said.

"_Right!"_ Fangumo shouted. The two headed off. Sakura and Sasuke were staring at me.

"You... You speak Spider?" Sakura managed. I shrugged.

"Yep. Comes in handy sometimes. Only works with Summons though," I said.

"When are you going to teach us how to do that?" Sasuke asked. I shrugged.

"When I think you're ready to be bitten by the spider boss. Now, hush... here comes the finale."

Naruto and Hinata had made it to her clan compound door. Naruto's face fell when he realized the date was over, and he turned to stare with a nervous smile at Hinata.

"Ah, er... Well! This is it," Naruto said.

"Y-Yes, yes it is," Hinata said. The two preteens stared at each other. I grinned.

"Ah, the tension... The uncertainty... It's all growing, bubbling up, up, up... And it can end in only one of two ways."

Sasuke snorted. "And those are?"

"Kiss or awkward goodbye," I said.

"Can't a kiss also be awkward?" Sakura asked.

I sighed. "Fine then, three ways."

"Um... Well then..." Naruto began, his smile growing a little strained. Hinata's fingers were tapping together rapidly, showing off just how nervous she really was.

"Or Hinata could just faint," Sasuke added flatly.

I rolled my eyes, "All right, yes, there are potentially dozens of ways this could end. Happy?"

I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye, and saw Kurenai enter Hinata's line of sight, but kept hidden from Naruto. She smiled encouragingly, and seemed to be giving Hinata some pre-arranged signal. Hinata trembled, blushed, and nodded. She then moved forward, and kissed Naruto.

Clearly, even from here, she was aiming for his cheek, but she hit his lips instead. Naruto's face turned bright red in turn, and Hinata's wasn't much better.

"G-G-Goodnight!" She squeaked, before turning and hurrying into the compound. The door shut behind her, leaving a rather shocked Naruto. He then smiled, and turned.

Straight into a wall.

I chuckled, even as Sakura cheered.

"YES! No more of him begging me for dates! This was worth it, completely, totally!"

"Yep," I said. "After all, why would he pursue you, when Hinata seems pretty nice to him?"

"YE- Ah…?" Sakura's face fell, and she stared down at Naruto. Sasuke, who had looked horrified at the prospect of Sakura's attention not constantly being distracted by Naruto, now looked confused and horrified. Confied? Horrorfused? Ooh, I like that one.

I looked at Sasuke, and winked with a smirk.

"Uh... Well. Yeah, that's... that's great," Sakura mumbled. Sasuke met my eyes... And he understood. Guess that "genius" title wasn't for nothing.

"Well, I'm beat," I said, rising. "Goodnight you two. See you bright and early tomorrow." I turned and headed off, having no idea just what kind of events I had set in motion.

But then, did I ever?


	5. Chapter 5

CH 5

With a week until the next inter-team event, I threw my students back into training and completing D-ranks. Having had several days to attempt tree walking, I introduced the idea of water walking. Not even Sakura managed that immediately, and I figured that between the two techniques and the jutsu I had given them, my three students would be kept busy for the foreseeable future.

Predictably Naruto had complained about the lack of destructive potential, but I had an easy response: "Let me get this straight, you _don't_ want to walk on water? Have fun swimming then."

Meanwhile my intelligence web (ha!) was keeping an eye out for Tazuna, as well monitoring Kabuto. He was ridiculously good at maintaining cover, and if I wasn't already certain, I would have thought he was exactly as he pretended. What a goody-goody cover too! He worked at the hospital, volunteered for the poor and with orphanages, and even visited his sickly adopted grandmother.

It was disgusting how this was the same man who helped Orochimaru vivisect living 'specimens', warp dozens of individuals with biological and chakra experiments, and eventually go on to raise an entire undead army consisting of every single ninja who had died in the last century. How did he even know about some of them? Probably lazy writing on Kishimoto's part. I vowed Kabuto would never get the chance to perfect the impure resurrection technique in the first place.

At the moment though, we were putting a new roof on for a client, and Sakura was doing a great job of organizing things.

"All right! Naruto, get to work loading up the wood! Sasuke, start hammering! Go go go!" Sakura commanded, looking at the plans for the new roof our client had requested. I sat back, not wanting to distract my students. I sure as hell hated somebody looking over my shoulder all the time, and I imagined my students liked it no better.

Naruto set to work with his clones, but Sasuke was staring right at me. He walked away from the job and right up to me.

"Yes Sasuke?" I asked.

"We need to talk," Sasuke stated. I nodded, and looked at Sakura.

"Keep it going Sakura, we'll be right back," I said. Sakura nodded, and scowled when she saw a Naruto slacking off.

"HEY! Get going already! Just because Sasuke gets a break doesn't mean you do!"

"Right Sakura-chan," the clone sighed. Huh, he didn't respond as eagerly as he usually did. Maybe Hinata was rubbing off on him a little.

Sasuke twitched very, very slightly at Sakura's voice, to which I repressed a smirk. We moved out of sight of the house, and I crossed my arms across my chest to look at my student.

"What is it?"

He fixed me with a flat stare. "Why haven't you taught me anything?"

I raised my eyebrows. In all honesty, I should have expected something like this. Looking over my behavior, I had focused pretty heavily on Naruto, because, let's face it, he needed a lot of work.

Even so, I hadn't been horribly uneven.

"I've taught you many things. The ten basic camping jutsu-"

"You also taught Sakura and Naruto that."

"I taught you how to tree and water walk-"

"The other two."

I tried a new tactic. "Ah! I see. You don't want to know things, you want preferential treatment!"

"That's not it at all!" He glared.

"You came to me and said I hadn't taught you anything. I just gave you a list, and you complained that I taught those things to your teammates. Did you think Kakashi woke up one morning with a burning desire to help you with those fire jutsu? I asked him to help because I know our specialties don't overlap very well."

"Then why don't I go learn from him?"

"Be my guest. See how far you get with him. Kakashi is an excellent ninja, but he's kind of a rubbish human. He means well, but he can't be bothered to care about anything less than a B-rank mission. He was going to train your team, but it was decided I'd be better."

I admit that this was somewhat unfair to Kakashi. I've seen various defences of his teaching style, from 'how was he supposed to know the world would go batshit crazy in a few years' to 'he tried to teach the fundamentals early on' right up to 'Kakashi was the bestest teacher evar, you don't get his genus!1!'. Kakashi is human, and did a decent job with what he had available to him, but he is broken in some ways. Most of us ninja are. He couldn't _really_ connect with kids, because he never got to be one.

There's probably a Michael Jackson joke in there somewhere, but even if I fished it out it would doubtless be in bad taste.

"I _need_ to excel!"

"No, you _want_ to excel, as does everyone." I sighed. "Sasuke, look... You have no shortage of jutsu, or skill in taijutsu," I told him. "You're not the rookie of the year for nothing. What you do need is practice in utilizing those skills, especially as part of a team."

Sasuke's frown deepened. I shrugged.

"Look, nobody can do everything, and quite frankly, loners don't do well as ninja."

"Yes they do," Sasuke growled. I stared at him.

"Sasuke... That's Itachi. Not you." I poked him in the forehead, which made him freeze.

Ninja cheat.

"In your quest for vengeance, do you want to _become_ your brother? You saw my sensei, right? Well... At least he had the decency to show what he was on the outside." My gaze was grim. "That kind of power always comes with a price... And even if you succeed in what you want to do with that kind of power, trust me... It isn't worth it."

"You're wrong," Sasuke replied immediately, anger burning deep in those black eyes of his.

"Do you think your brother is _happy_? Always on the run? Unable to stay anywhere for any length of time? Unable to trust anyone, knowing they could turn on you in a heartbeat?" I shook my head, that approach wasn't going to work. "Sasuke... Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe... He wanted you to think that way? Think about it. What do you gain if you become just as bad as he is? Nothing but vengeance. What does he gain?"

"So what should I do?" Sasuke growled. "Let Itachi get away with what he did to my clan?!

"I'm not saying you shouldn't get stronger," I said. "Nor that you shouldn't kill him." It would be nigh on impossible to explain to him about Madara and the other things right now, so I'd use the common perception. "What I am saying though is that it shouldn't be the only thing in your life... Or that you have to fight alone," I added. "Other than our four hokage, who are the most famous Konoha ninja?"

"The Sannin and Itachi," Sasuke said immediately.

I nodded. Sure, there were others who ought to be on that list, Madara, the White Fang, hell, my sensei had been well known before he went mad, but from the viewpoint of a fresh genin, he was right.

"Yes. The Sannin. The three ninja. Not 'the three lone wolves'. Not 'wow, they became S rank badasses overnight completely on their own without ever being in a team'. Itachi spent time on a team, then spent time on a team in ANBU."

Sasuke stared at me, and looked away, thinking it over. I then hit upon the perfect thing to say.

"Let me tell you about a man named... Bruce Wayne."

••••••••••

So I told him. All about Batman, how he was forged in the alley of a distant city, with the bodies of his parents lying before him. How he took the bat as his symbol and used it to bring fear to the criminal underbelly. How he seemed mad but was probably the sanest person alive. How he considered himself alone, but had actually built a family around himself.

Now, I may not be much of anything in our world, but one thing I'm pretty good at is storytelling. Especially when I had decades of the finest writers to crib off of. I was able to hold Sasuke's attention for at least an hour. That's tough to do with anyone, and if you haven't worked with kids… well, lucky you. After I was done, I gave him the rest of the day off and asked him to just think about what I'd said.

"Look, power for power's sake is stupid, but you know you can't fight him now, right?"

Sasuke just gave me a look, not even bothering to respond.

"Then for right now, just focus on training. Later you can figure out what to do with it. Your brother is strong enough that I doubt he's going to go down to some random schmuck. You have _time._ Go think on it, yeah?"

He gave a grudging nod, and left.

Did I think it would change him immediately? Of course not. I wasn't a miracle worker. Did I think it would plant the seeds of resistance to Orochimaru in his mind? Probably.

If I couldn't do better than Kakashi, while knowing what was going to happen... well! God help us.

I didn't think we were as good as we could be, but it was certainly better than canon... Even if Sakura did still beat Naruto up and Sasuke still sniped at the both of them, it was without true rancor.

••••••••••

I found myself (and Team 7) in one of the archive buildings the following day, organizing old, unclassified records. It was boring, but useful for them to learn, especially Naruto. Not that he couldn't read… but he could definitely improve, especially regarding speed.

Sakura felt right at home of course, quickly coming to grips with the organization system. Thankfully, since my understanding of it was limited, and I had forgotten some since the last time I had been sent down here.

"Ah, Andoryu-kun, it's been so long nephew!"

I turned to the voice, I knew it well. The juxtaposition of what I knew about this man, and what my Other knew though, was so severe, I felt like I had the bends.

Danzo Shimura. My father's good friend, and my 'uncle'.

This was awkward.

"Ah, uncle, it's been _too _long! I've been busy with my new team." I waved my arm as if to show them off.

"Yes, I'd heard of that. Your very own team. I can remember when you were knee high," he said with a smile.

He always was good at playing the smiling politician in public.

"And I do believe you got _the_ team. Uchiha, Uzumaki, and Haruno. I've heard good things. Tell me, how did you steal them away from Kakashi?"

My students had stopped for a moment, but I motioned for them to keep working.

"Well, the thing with Kakashi, he can't be bothered by anything less than a B-rank, can he? I think he didn't want the hassle of a team. How many has he failed now?" I asked.

"Too many. Having a team would do him good," Danzo observed. I nodded in agreement. "Oh well," he continued, "his loss is your gain."

I waved my team over now for introductions.

"This is Shimura-san, a family friend and advisor to the Hokage, as well as liaison to the army, and many other positions," I explained.

"You make me sound grand," he waved off my description.

They bowed and introduced themselves.

"Haruno Sakura, nice to meet you sir."

"Uchiha Sasuke, nice to meet you sir."

"Hi! Uzumaki Naruto. Nice to meet sensei's friends!"

Danzo nodded politely, his smile becoming fractionally warmer. Like all his actions, it was perfectly calculated and measured. Think of pouring a bit more warm water into the tea, balancing out the flavor and temperature. Except the warmth was a means to an end, only there long enough to do what it had to do, then gone.

"It is good to see the youth of the Leaf is so courteous. I'm sure you'll all do very well. Especially under Tsume. His father and I go back a long way. Pay attention to his advice," Danzo said. I smiled back, and we continued to make inane smalltalk. My expression was friendly enough, but my thoughts were racing as fast as my synapses could fire.

The sad thing is, he was absolutely right. Danzo and my father had worked together since well before the last Ninja War, helping to coordinate between the regular troops of Fire and the shinobi. My Other's memories were filled of this man visiting our home when I was a child, talking with my father and mother as cordially as you please, even receiving gifts and letters from him as I grew older. He'd been a supporter of mine ever since I started training to become a ninja: Not a full on sponsor but his word had opened doors normally closed to a first generation ninja. I had earned every bit though: I had worked hard to get where I was, taking and succeeding in many difficult missions, before and after I recovered from my year on the Spider Plane. Danzo had been part of that too: Visiting me in the hospital in person! I even still had a congratulatory letter from him on the day I became a jounin, filled with advice and warm wishes.

Ninja and the Fire army had a complicated, but crucial relationship, and the two men were the best liaisons between the two groups. My father was a proponent of soft strength, economic might backed up by enough military might to defend Fire country and its interests, with violence as a resort but always the _last_ resort. Danzo was ever the war hawk, but they both respected each others views, for the most part. I believe that as my father was not a ninja, and therefore not a true threat, his was one of the few true friendships that Danzo had ever made. And so as far as my Other was concerned, 'Uncle' Danzo may have had strained relationships with people like the Third Hokage but he'd chalked it up to simple political tensions. That happened, even between the oldest of friends: The price of power and influence.

But knowing what I did now about Danzo, about everything he had _done…_ Outside of Madara, there were few people I had canon knowledge of stirring up more shit in the elemental nations. Pain could be laid directly on his doorstep, just for starters. The Uchiha Clan massacre- He had a hand in that (and an arm, and three or six eyes). He'd tried to assassinate Sarutobi. Reading the manga, that last had been confusing: How had that not ended him right there? But now in the world, I had context: Those had been tests by Danzo to see if Sarutobi was still up to the task of Hokage, arranged and recognized as such. If he'd really wanted Sarutobi dead, he'd have done it himself, and both parties knew it. Sure, Danzo wanted to rule, but he wasn't going to just weaken Leaf without it being damn necessary.

Such conviction was impressive, and if he had better judgment, I'd be impressed. Perhaps I was biased, knowing the horrible outcomes from his unsanctioned antics made it easy to condemn them in retrospect, but I doubt I would have agreed with them in the moment as well.

The truth was, Danzo was alive because he had made himself so critically important to so many people, both in and outside of Konoha. Sarutobi ignored the attempted hit on him so that Danzo could keep the wheels turning. Hell… He was important to me. The me of this world, anyway.

I was tempted to put him on the same list as Kabuto. The other me recoiled at the thought. Most of his damage had already been wrought, some before I was born.

"Andoryuu?" I started and noticed the old warhawk was staring at me in concern. "Are you all right?"

… I didn't have to do anything for now.

"Sorry, reminiscing. I still have your letter from when I made jonin," I replied.

He grinned. "I was proud. You proved yourself, and continue to do so. Ah, but have you read Rei's new book?"

I nodded. "Yes. I've leant it to Sakura in fact, she's a fan of my fathers."

Sakura blushed prettily, and beamed up at Danzo. "Y-Yes! It's nice to read something about how ninjas and the regular world work together. Most other things I've read have just been about ninja abilities and powers, but not the larger implications of their use."

Naruto's eyes were glazing over. Sasuke, who had been raised with better manners, was only doing slightly better at hiding his boredom.

"Ho! Maybe you'll take over for me when I retire!" Danzo complimented her. She beamed, wriggling a bit at the praise. She hadn't gotten a lot of that in canon, it was no wonder she soaked it up like a sponge.

I could sense Naruto was going to break soon, his foot was tapping up a storm. "Back to work, I want to do another mission after this. I'm sure you can listen to us chat about things again soon."

Naruto bounced off immediately. "Yes sir!" The relief was palpable. Sasuke went too, better at hiding it, but he was glad to be going back to work.

Sakura had to drag herself back, but managed. Danzo shook his head in understanding.

"That's fine, Andoryu, I have things to attend to as well. We must have lunch some time."

"We should," I said with a nod. I gave him a wry look. A suspicion of my Other had arisen, helping to center me and disguise my misgivings. He read that part of me immediately, and thankfully, leaped to the wrong conclusion.

"And no… I had nothing to do with your assignment to Team 7," he stated unequivocally. I shrugged, though inside I felt very relieved I wasn't just Anakin Skywalker to his Palpatine.

So far.

"Getting one over Copy Cat Kakashi does make one question things," I admitted. Danzo chuckled softly, like brown leaves rustling in the breeze.

"I will admit, I am far more confident in you to handle this team than in him," he intimated. "And it was nice to see one of Sarutobi's favorites not get another unearned accolade."

"Who doesn't like to see their friends fail, every now and again?" I asked dryly. "It makes things interesting."

"That it does. Go on now, teach. I have gears to grease."

"When don't you? Lunch, for sure."

He walked off, his cane creaking on the wooden floorboards, and I turned back to my students. I was glad they could handle this on their own, I had a lot of thinking to do.

A lot of thinking indeed...

••••••••••

The week having ended, our second joint training session occurred. Teams 7, 8 and, as I had predicted, 10, were gathered at a local training field, with the three instructors stood in front of them.

"Today, Andoryuu-sensei will be running a few training exercises with you," Kurenai explained. "Asuma-sensei and I have to take care of a few things."

Asuma smiled at me. "Think you can handle them by yourself?"

It didn't take a ninja to figure out what they were really up to, so I shrugged and raised an eyebrow.

"Sure. I'll try and keep the grievous injuries and arson to a minimum, and have them in bed by nine," I quipped. "You two have fun on that mission," I said dryly.

Kurenai flushed a bit, but smiled back before the two hurried off. I watched them go, amused, and then looked back at my students.

"That mission being sex, I take it?" Shikamaru asked.

"Like rabbits on cocaine," I nodded, over the scandalized gasps of Sakura and Ino.

"Dummy! Don't just say it like that!" Ino hissed at him, before glaring at me.

Somehow, and you'll find this hard to believe, but I wasn't intimidated. I wondered if Asuma actually let her boss him around.

"Yeah!" Sakura added. Shikamaru sighed, muttering his trademark phrase.

Team 10, physically, was about what you'd expect: Shikamaru was very Asian, with tanned skin and dark brown, almost black hair. Chouji too, was very Asian around the eyes, though he was paler than Shikamaru. The show was unfair to his whole clan. Yes, they were heavy, yes they had fat, but more like a football player who'd recently retired than a chubby kid who sat in front of a TV or computer all day. You could see the muscles underneath the fat.

Ino was rather like Sakura in that she had more European features than Asian, but her hair was so pale I nearly expected it to be bleached. Her bust and hips were also more developed than the anime or manga would have you believe, and was slightly taller than Sakura. Probably all part of their rivalry.

I looked over my students, thinking about what to do. I then smiled.

"All right! The first exercise is fairly simple," I said. I formed a ball about the size of someone's head out of silk, and inflated it with air. "Defense can be just as important to a ninja as offense. We frequently are called upon to protect rich or politically important people."

I pointed at a nearby tree. "One team will defend that tree. The other two teams will try to hit the tree with the ball. The only rules are, the attackers cannot use their hands or any jutsu, just their bodies. The defenders? Anything goes. When a ball gets past, you switch with the team."

Ringumo's eyes got big and sparkly at this. Being a shapeshifter, she had adjusted her appearance for maximum cuteness. "Ooh! Ooh! Can I kick the ball too, Ando-kun?"

"Of course you can, Gumo-chan," I said with a smile.

"So it's like soccer then?" Shikamaru sighed. "What a drag..."

"There is a catch though," I said. "Whichever team spends the least time defending- that is, let the balls get past them the quickest- will be hung upside-down from said tree for the rest of the day, while Ringumo here bounces the ball off your faces."

My familiar smiled happily. "YAY!"

The Rookies all looked nervous. Even, no, especially Shino. Well, spiders weren't really his thing, after all. Or any Aburame's.

"First up... Team 10," I said. I saw Naruto and Kiba smirk. Shikamaru looked irritated, but I figured he wouldn't go down easily. Chouji looked determined. Ino opened her mouth to protest, but a Look at her shut her up.

"Begin... Now," I said, tossing the ball up into the air. Shikamaru, Chouji, and Ino moved to cover the tree, while the other Rookies scrambled for the ball. The first shot came from Kiba, and Shikamaru got smacked in the head. I wasn't sure if he was blocking with it either.

"GAH!"

"HAHA!"

"YAY!" Ringumo cheered, and she began to chase the ball around, attempting to kick it. However, every time she got close, one of the Rookies kicked it at the tree. Which led to the comical sight of her rushing about frantically, trying to get a shot in. Heck, it was downright adorable.

Naturally, the game was more to keep them busy and develop teamwork than have a real winner. I didn't even put in a time limit. You wanted a winner from this exercise, you just had to look at me, heheh.

I settled in to watch the carnage, when I felt something tugging on my ear.

"Ando-kun, Ando-kun!" Fangumo hissed. "Mom wants to see you! She says it's urgent!"

I grimaced. "I see..." I was dreading this, to be honest. Sure, it's the job of the Spider Sage to be a liaison between this world and the Spider Plane but... Well, come on. Would you want to return to a nightmarish world filled with giant, sentient monsters?

Granted, I was on first name terms with many of them, but all the same...

"Right then," I sighed. I produced the Spider Scroll, and laid it down on the ground. I spread it open, and began making the handseals for the Reverse Summon. Hopefully I would have this wrapped up before lunch.

"Kuchiyose no-"

"BALL!" Ringumo screamed, and I looked up. My summon was running right for me, ball held triumphantly over her head, as Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura all ran after her.

"HEY! Bring it back Ringumo-!"

"We need that-"

"It's for-!"

"-jutsu?!"

POOF!

My chakra surged as the jutsu completed, and an explosion of smoke later, I was suddenly elsewhere.

... And so was Team 7.

"Huh?!" Naruto shouted. "What the hell?!"

Sakura paled, and Sasuke froze like a statue. It wasn't exactly hard to figure out why.

We were in a large chamber, built out of golden spider silk and carved wood. It was spherical, with tree branches artistically grown to provide decoration. In the light of the sun, the room was truly beautiful.

It was also filled to the brim with giant spiders of every description and kind. The eyes of every single one of those spiders were locked right onto us.

Ringumo broke the sudden, terrible silence.

"I can't wait to show Mom my new ball!"

I very slowly nodded, as my students looked on in growing horror. "Yes Gumo-chan... That's very nice."

Crap.


	6. Chapter 6

My eyes widened in horror. You could see the lights switching on in dozens, hundreds of the spiders' eyes. They all knew me, knew who I was. Their expressions changed, they primed to leap. There was no time to react. Even my reflexes wouldn't let me escape. As one, they pounced, all of them bellowing the same horrible cry.

"ANDO-KUN!"

"GAH!" I cried as I was buried underneath dozens of little spiders, all gripping onto me, jumping on me, and staring at me with inquisitive, happy eyes as they babbled and shouted happily.

"We missed you!"

"Where have you been?"

"Did you bring me a present?"

"I want some candy!"

"Check his pockets!"

"Kisses!"

Even under this onslaught of arachnid affection, I kept my wits about me. I slipped several brightly colored, rubber balloons out of my sleeves, and managed to bring my fingers together long enough for the Wind Bullet Jutsu. An application of webbing later, and I had dozens of balloons flying away from me, which served as the perfect distraction.

"BALLOO~OONS!" The spiders cried, and cheered happily as they leaped after them. They all were quickly distracted as they playfully fought over who got to keep the prized souvenirs. I groaned and sat up, rubbing my face.

"Awwww...! I wanna balloon too!" Ringumo whined.

"I gave you a ball, what more could you want?" I asked. Ringumo still pouted. I glanced over at my students. Physically, they were all fine. The spiders hadn't dogpiled... Spider-piled? … Leapt all over them.

Emotionally? Hmm.

"Sp-spiders. Spiders... everywhere!" Sasuke mumbled, eyes frozen wide in horror. Naruto, after seeing the spiders glomp onto me, looked excited. Sakura had the air of one who is trying very hard not to break down screaming. Like a tough chick in a horror movie.

"Ah, Sensei? Where are we, anyway?" Naruto asked.

"The Spider Plane," I explained. "I was coming here because Jorougumo wanted to see me."

"Yes, she does, Andoryuu-sama!" Briskly reported one spider. I immediately identified him as an adult Jorou Spider. Being male, he was quite a bit smaller than the females. Being a summon, however, he was about the size of the orb weaver males in Eight Legged Freaks. They were mostly employed as servants and guards within the palace proper. "Please, come with me!"

"Are these sacrifices for Jorougumo-sama, Andoryuu-sama?" Asked another Jorou male, turning his eight eyes to my students. Naruto scowled.

"Hey! We're not sacrifices! We're his students!"

"Yes, they're my students," I confirmed. "Strictly off limits."

"Of course, Andoryuu-sama," the guard said. He switched to Spidertongue.

"_Though if I were you, Andoryuu-sama, I might consider handing over one of them to Jorougumo-sama."_

I winced. "_She's that upset huh?"_

"_Oh yes, Andoryuu-sama,"_ the male replied. I rose to my feet, and looked over at the hundreds of baby spiders playing with the balloons I'd left them.

"_You kids have fun, and stay out of trouble, and after I talk to your mom, I'll show you some even better things I brought you!"_ I spoke. The spiders, as one, cheered loudly and did the exactly opposite of what I had wanted them to do. They dogpiled me again.

"GAAAHH!"

"WE LOVE YOU, ANDO-KUN!" They shouted.

"I love you kids too, now get off!" I shouted.

"Wow... You're like a celebrity here," Naruto said with a grin as I managed to get my admirers off me. "By the way, what did you talk about with the guard?"

"Dinner arrangements," I said with a mischievous grin. Sakura swallowed hard, but Naruto grinned happily.

"Dinner? Great! What're we having?"

"Not us, right?" Sakura asked. I smiled, and gestured for them to follow me, as I followed the two guards towards a tunnel entrance.

"That remains to be seen," I said. Naruto stared for a second, before he laughed.

"Hahahaha! That's a good one, Sensei!"

"Yes, it is, isn't it?" I said, still keeping up that gallows humor smile. Sakura shuddered, and tugged Sasuke along behind her. Poor kid was still in shock.

It was probably only going to get worse from here...

"Spiders, spiders... everywhere," he muttered again, then whimpered.

"Yes Sasuke, very good," I sighed, as we were led to the lair of Jorougumo.

••••••••••

**Sakura**

••••••••••

It's so hard to be angry at Ringumo. I mean, sure, she just got us teleported into a dimension filled to the brim with giant spiders, the same one our sensei spent at least a year in, but she's such a child that it's difficult to be cross with her.

There she was, innocently chewing on her ball on sensei's shoulder as we traversed the tunnel of golden silk to the chamber of Jorougumo. The spider Boss.

I had heard a few things about her from Ringumo and Kokubogumo, but nothing from Andoryuu-sensei. That seemed a bit ominous to me. He was smiling of course, but with him, that could mean we're going out for ice cream, or we were all about to suffer horribly.

Still, he hadn't smiled even once when we were going to see his old sensei, so... maybe this wouldn't be too bad?

The tunnel abruptly changed elevation, almost becoming a sheer ascent. It wasn't a problem for any of us though, thanks to our tree climbing training. I hoped we wouldn't have to cross any rivers though, I still couldn't water-walk very well, and Naruto and Sasuke could barely do it at all. The spiders scampered up the vertical path with no effort at all, we humans scrambling up after with only a little more difficulty.

Soon we came out into open air, and I gasped a bit at the view. I knew we were in a gigantic tree of some sort, but I had no idea how big. The clouds looked very close, the air felt thinner. And for miles in every direction were trees that seemed as big as mountains.

"This way," one of the 'little' spider guards called, as he and his partner scuttled off for a large, pointed-cone shaped structure. Like everything else, it was built of golden silk and wood, a natural part of the tree. In the sun overhead it sparkled and glowed, a shining beacon that you could probably see for miles. Above it, vast webs were suspended between poles, and I grimaced as I saw hundreds, if not thousands of giant insects trapped in them.

"Wow," Naruto breathed, as we entered the large structure. Inside, it was very neat and tidy. More of the smaller male spiders were seen, crawling this way and that, cleaning the webbing of any dirt or debris. Larger females could occasionally be seen as well, scurrying hither and yon. We passed through a few courtyards, built on platforms made of wood, that housed very large flowers and other assorted plants.

"Wow... What's all this? I thought spiders just eat meat?" Naruto asked.

"They also ingest pollen, honey, seeds, fungus, other things," Andoryuu-sensei explained. "Depends on the species too, of course. Luckily for me, the Jorou have a _relatively_ omnivorous diet. They're very fond of sweets, particularly in liquid form."

"So, are there like, giant bees here too?" Naruto asked. Our sensei nodded.

"Yep, a few hives actually work for the Jorou Clan."

"Then why is this called the Spider Plane?" Naruto asked.

"Well, first of all, that's our name for this place. And we call it that because this is where the spiders rule," our sensei answered. He shrugged. "They control it, so it's theirs, essentially. Most summons refer to our home as the Human Plane, but there's plenty of other plants and animals there. It's just, we're the most interesting thing going on."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense," Naruto nodded.

"Now, a few things to warn you about," our sensei changed subjects, as we crossed a bridge over what looked like a fungus garden, "bow to Jorougumo-sama, and be very polite. Best behavior, all of you. She doesn't tolerate familiarity unless she likes you. And unlike the Hokage, if she gets mad, she might eat you."

"That means don't be annoying, Naruto," I explained to Naruto.

He snorted, "I'm not annoying!"

"And no bickering," Andoryuu-sensei said flatly, giving us all serious looks. I nodded, resisting the urge to snap at Naruto. Well, at least Sasuke-kun would be polite. Probably? He still seemed to be in shock, muttering to himself about spiders.

"Here we are," one of the guards said, as we passed through a wooden arch into a large, well ventilated chamber. I could feel a strong breeze from below, and looked down. I immediately wished I hadn't.

"O-oh my," I stammered.

"Woah… cool! You can see all the way to the ground!" Naruto, of course.

The structure had been built around the trunk of the tree, leaving a very large gap between it and the trunk. And the branches of the giant tree had grown in such a way that you could see all the way down to the ground.

I shivered, and looked ahead. If I fell, my life wouldn't flash before my eyes so much as take a leisurely stroll, confident that it had plenty of time. The trunk of the massive tree was split directly ahead of us like an upside-down arch, and within it was a flat web. In the center of the web, illuminated by a spotlight of sunshine, sat a woman, reclining on the silk as regal as a queen.

She was beautiful, and very tall from what I could see. Her long legs were visible from underneath her yellow and black kimono. Said kimono was short and cut tight and low, exposing a very healthy figure which was making even me blush. Her hair was long, brown and wavy, and done up in a loose pony tail on the top of the back of her head. On her cheeks, she bore black markings very similar to those on Ringumo's back.

Definitely Jurougumo.

A bridge of golden silk was extended, and we walked across it. I resolutely kept my eyes forward, wanting to avoid the sensation of vertigo. I wasn't afraid of heights but anyone would get a little nervous, being in a tree the size of a mountain and the only thing keeping you from falling is a thin bridge of spider silk. Sure, it's really strong, but it's still pretty nerve-wracking!

We reached the web, our two guides taking up what I assumed were respectful distances on either side of the web. Our sensei walked out onto the web, stopping about three meters away from Jorougumo. He then dropped to his knees and bowed. We followed suit, and I made sure to keep Naruto and Sasuke behind sensei. I figured only he would be allowed so close, kind of like how emperors entertained guests.

*click glack huck nck chchchuk*, our sensei said in that weird spider-tongue. I had no idea what he said, but fortunately Ringumo provided a quiet translation. She'd slipped off Sensei's shoulder onto mine.

"Ando-kun says he is honored to be summoned before Mommy, and he apologizes for the time it took to arrive," she said. "He also says he is sorry for taking so long to meet her after being given official control of the Spider Summoning Contract."

"What's Jorougumo saying?" Naruto muttered.

"Nothing, yet," Ringumo said. Naruto blinked.

"Oh." At my look, he scowled.

"A little hard to tell...!"

Jorougumo looked uninterested, if anything, and wasn't even looking at our sensei. He said a few more things in the Spidertongue.

"He reaffirms his loyalty to her, and his thanks to her for everything she has done for him," Ringumo translated, "and he is proud to serve her as Sage of the Spiders. He asks forgiveness."

Jorougumo finally looked at our sensei, and her look could only be described as... Gooey. This was a split second before she was hugging him tightly. Our sensei's eyes bugged out rather comically.

"Oh, Ando-kun, I could never stay mad at you," Jorougumo cooed happily, probably quite deliberately shoving our sensei's face into her chest. I certainly would if I had a chest like that… Not to sensei of course, but...

"Mmph!" Our sensei intelligently responded.

Sasuke-kun seemed to snap out of his shock, and blinked a couple of times at the display. Naruto, of course, couldn't hold back a snicker. I blinked and looked over at Ringumo.

"I'm so happy Mommy isn't mad at Ando-kun," the little spider said cheerfully. "I bet she'll grow to like all three of you just as much as she likes him!"

Sasuke's eyes grew, and he blushed. Naruto's cheeks were also red. The two boys looked at me.

"Sakura-chan? Are you blushing?" Naruto asked. I looked away.

"N-No!"

Sasuke stared for a few moments, before he snorted and looked back at our sensei and Jorougumo.

I scowled. "What?"

"Nothing," he grunted.

"Not that surprising, what with Ino..." Naruto whispered. Sasuke nodded.

I checked that no one was looking, and hit them both over the head. Whatever they were implying, they were totally wrong about it!

••••••••••

**Andoryu**

••••••••••

"Now, as to the reasons you have been summoned, I have three," Jorougumo spoke. She had not removed her arms from me. Now normally, I would have no complaints about being hugged by a beautiful and... gifted woman. But as I've previously alluded to, her being a spider complicated things, and fear was just as strong as any amorous feelings I might be experiencing.

"Er, yes Jorougumo-sama?" I asked. The Spider Queen (I found the term "Boss" gauche on the whole, except for possibly Gamabunta, who fit the title well) smiled.

"The first involves the Mizugumo Clan... They have been acting up again. Not enough to violate the treaty, but they demand that the Spider Sage recognize them, show them 'the proper honor'."

I nodded. "Right, I'll do that."

"The second reason also concerns the Mizugumo," she spoke, tightening her grip. I deftly avoided motorboarding her cleavage, but my chin was trapped between her breasts. She looked into my face with a warm, loving smile.

"Ah... Yes?"

"They have taken a clan of spiders under another summoner under their protection," she spoke. "Something we do not appreciate, as you can imagine."

"Ah. Yes Jorougumo-sama, I completely understand," I said.

"And finally," she said gravely, eyes narrowing, "the most important of all..."

I tensed. What could it be?

Her large eyes filled with tears, and she glomped me even more tightly, to the point I was having trouble breathing.

"You have not visited me in so long! I missed you, Ando-kun~!"

"GLURK!" I managed, waving my hands rather ineffectually as I was in danger of being smothered again. Sure, many guys would kill for such an opportunity, but then not many guys had the spider instinct of fear regarding females.

In Jorougumo's case it was a fear she'd richly earned. Oh, don't get me wrong, she wasn't a bad person, er, spider, but... Well... There are some things about spiders that humans just won't ever be comfortable with.

"MMPH! GMPH!"

Speaking of comfort...

"Mm? Oh, sorry Ando-kun," the Spider Queen said, loosening her grip. I sucked in a double lungful of air, and nodded.

"It-it's okay..."

"I just so enjoy the human form," she purred. "It's so very... sensitive~!"

"Ahhh... y-yeah, um, it's great," I stuttered. I ducked out of her grasp and got a little distance. Jorougumo pouted.

"Ando-kun, there's no need to be shy," she said. "Are we not friends?"

"We are, Jorougumo-sama," I replied. "But uh... I wanted to introduce you to my students!"

My students who seemed to all be alternatively disgusted or amused at the situation. Oh yes, they'd pay.

"Mou?" Jorougumo asked, turning her eyes to Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke. "You have taken on apprentices?"

"Um, not exactly apprentices," I said. "Perhaps in time." I motioned for them to introduce themselves. Sakura caught on the fastest, and she rose with a smile.

"Hello, Jorougumo-sama, I am Sakura Haruno. It's a pleasure to meet you," she said, much like you would greet your father's boss. Naruto stood up as well.

"Naruto Uzumaki! It's a pleasure to meet you!" He repeated. Sasuke rose, and gave a polite nod.

"Sasuke Uchiha. A pleasure."

Jorougumo looked them all over for a bit, before smiling widely.

"Welcome to my home," she said. "I am very pleased that Ando-kun has been given charges to train at last. I understand it is a great honor for a ninja to have students?"

"Yes, we're very honored," Sakura said. Smart girl!

"He's taught us a lot, but he's kind of weird," Naruto opined.

"He's... all right," Sasuke said after a pause.

... Could have been worse. I'd take it.

"Splendid! So, which of them will be your apprentice?" Jorougumo asked.

I thought for a moment. Naruto kind of needed to be with the toads, and Sakura with the slugs. I didn't really want Sasuke to have anything to do with the snakes, but he still couldn't stand spiders. Nothing's ever easy. "They just became my students. I haven't really decided yet... Plus, it's a little early to be thinking about it anyway."

"You were not that much older when you learned our ways, Ando-kun," Jorougumo reminded me.

I coughed. "Yes, but I _was_ still older. Also, those were... special circumstances," I reminded her back. Sakura flinched, probably remembering our meeting with my sensei.

"Nevertheless... Aha! I have the perfect solution!" She said cheerfully. "You will instruct all of them in our arts, and see which one has the greatest aptitude for them."

"Ah, well..." Jorougumo's look would brook no argument, and in all honesty, I didn't have any real reason to deny her. Not without explaining how I knew the future from reading comic books in an alternate world before waking up here.

Granted, summons were one of the few groups likely to believe such a thing, seeing as their daily commute was trans-dimensional, but I didn't want to open that can of worms without a _really_ good reason.

"Of course, Jorougumo-sama. Just remember how long it took me. I have to teach them the official curriculum as well."

She rolled her eyes, but seemed mollified. "Fine then," she purred. "Now, Rin-chan, take our guests to your room and entertain them. I have... many things to discuss with Ando-kun," she said with a wicked smile. I plastered a grin on mine as well, despite feeling rather nervous.

"Okay Mommy! Come on, I wanna show you my room! It's great! I decorated it myself!" Ringumo babbled happily as she scuttled off the web. My students shot me pitying looks, which I accepted stoically. They headed out over the silk bridge, leaving me with the Spider Queen.

"Well Ando-kun... I would like you to start by telling me what you have been up to," Jorougumo said, sitting down in the center of the web. She snapped her fingers, and several males appeared, carrying various containers of food. "We have so much catching up to do!" She said with a broad smile.

"Yes Jorougumo-sama," I said, sitting down in front of her. I took one of the offered containers, and sniffed it. It was a spider drink, a kind of warm, fermented honey. Not dissimilar to mead, actually. Tasted pretty good too. But memories of my recent trip to the bar had me thinking I'd prefer not to be inebriated around Jorougumo. She had a tendency to get... grabby.

In both forms.

••••••••••

**Sasuke**

••••••••••

I've never been fond of spiders. Now, I hate spiders. No sane individual would love them after being what I've been through, what I've seen. Which is why I am fully convinced our sensei, and my teammates, are all completely, one hundred percent, insane.

They're spiders, why would you trust them? I could work with them, I suppose, especially if they can give me power, but I will never be comfortable around them. Especially Ringumo.

The little monster was leading us through the tunnels of the vast spider... palace? I suppose. To her room.

No doubt decorated with the bodies of numerous victims. Even if they are merely insects I will be disturbed, she sees us the same way. She's practically admitted as much. How else are you supposed to take being told "You look and smell delicious!"

"There's Ren-chan's room, and Tan-chan's room, and Go-chan's room, and Hun-chan's room," she was rattling off, pointing at variously-shaped web constructs we passed. We were descending through the vast tree towards the eastern part of it, still quite high up but lower than the 'throne room' up top. "And here's my room!"

"It's... spherical," Sakura stated. I rolled my eyes, nobody was paying me attention. Leave it to her to point out the obvious. I suppose I didn't have any brilliant commentary either though.

"Yes, it's the bestest shape ever!" Ringumo said happily. She crawled up a silk line to a hole in the side of her "room", which was situated on the top of the branch. Sunlight shone down on it, giving it an aesthetic effect that I will admit, was not entirely unmoving.

But they were still spiders. Spiders!

"Let's go!" Naruto shouted, hopping up to the hole and slipping in. Sakura looked at me, shrugged, and followed. I sighed, and leaped up after them.

The interior was... not the horrific den of death and decay I had been assuming. It was simple and clean, with what appeared to be a kind of hammock which I presumed was for sleeping, and even some shelves that ringed the walls of the sphere.

And there were balls everywhere. Literally.

"Woah... She really likes balls," Naruto muttered. Ringumo jumped up to one shelf and smiled at us.

"It's my collection! My nee-chans and nii-chans and Ando-kun all give me balls from anywhere they go!" She held up a baseball.

"This is a baseball," she said. She put it down, and jumped to another shelf. "And this is a bowling ball! This is a cricket ball, though it has nothing to do with crickets. Oh well! Ooh! Ooh! And this is a rock that's shaped like a ball!"

I looked over at my teammates. Sakura looked as though she thought this was cute. Naruto walked over to a shelf and, God help us all, asked a question about a particularly large black, solid-looking ball held together with webbing.

"What's this one?"

"Ooh, that's my egg!" Ringumo said, scuttling over and very carefully picking it up. She held it out to us. "Wanna touch it?"

"Sure Rin-chan," Sakura said, reaching out to very lightly touch the sphere. I just glared as she held it out to me. She did the spider equivalent of a shrug, and held it out to Naruto. Naruto, big idiot he is, picked it up and studied it.

"Wow... You came out of this?" Naruto asked. Ringumo nodded.

"Uh huh! I was really little when I came out of it!"

"You're really little now," Naruto pointed out with a grin. Ringumo huffed.

"I'm not really this size..."

"Huh? Then how big are you, really?"

We got our answer when Ringumo suddenly expanded in size. My first (unfortunate) meeting with the little monster, she was a little bigger than a dinner plate, about the size of a person's head. She had grown a bit to move around the palace, to the size of a small dog, but I'd barely noticed it.

Her true size, apparently, made her four feet tall and significantly bigger. Sakura jumped. Good. I… may have as well.

"Woah... So that's why you go around little?" Naruto asked. Ringumo nodded, before shrinking back to dog size.

"That and I like riding on Ando-kun's head, or shoulder," she said cheerfully. "I love him! He was the first thing I ever saw, you know! And he gave me my egg!" She picked it up again and cuddled it.

"You must really like him then, huh?" Sakura said.

"He was the first thing you ever saw?" Naruto asked. "You mean, he was there when you were born?"

"Uh huh! He saved me and my brothers and sisters from being eaten! And he took us home to Mommy! That's how he met Mommy, by the way."

Ah. So clearly, he was insane from an early age. Then again, being cast into this world, getting allies of any kind would help you survive. Understandable, I suppose. Assuming you weren't strong enough to fight for yourself.

I know what he had said, the story of this Batman... And his logic concerning the need for teachers and teammates against stronger enemies was sound. I needed teachers. Working together in a team though... He hadn't needed one. He was too powerful for that. Maybe striking him down with others would get the job done, but I would prove myself less than him. Less powerful, less determined...

"Sasuke?"

I looked down at Ringumo. She was holding a bright red rubber ball.

"I wanna give you this!" Ringumo said cheerfully.

I blinked. "Why?"

"Cause balls always cheer me up, and you look depressed! So, have a ball!" She said, pushing it towards me.

"... I don't want it," I said. The spider, God help me, actually looked sad. Her size changing had apparently also emphasized the size of her eyes... Well, two of them. They actually had irises, big yellow ones.

"... Are you tearing up? How can you do that?" I asked flatly.

"Oh! I make myself more human like that because I like it," the little spider responded. "In fact, I can make myself totally human if I want to!"

"Totally human? A complete transformation?" Sakura asked.

Naruto shrugged. "So what? I can do that!"

"Your stupid Sexy Jutsu doesn't count!" Sakura snarled. She looked over at Ringumo. "You can become totally human?"

"Oh yes! Most of us Jorou spiders can! I just need blood," she said. I blinked.

"Blood?"

"Yeah. Blood, skin, hair, bone, anything from a living creature, and we can turn into it," Ringumo said. "It's different from regular transformations in that we can maintain the form as long as we want to."

"So, you guys turn into humans...?" Sakura looked sick. I felt completely vindicated. And sick.

"Oh, don't worry! We only need a little, like a drop," Ringumo said. "We don't hurt anyone."

"So, you travel into the human world for our blood?" Sakura asked. Ringumo nodded.

"Yup! We each want our own unique form, so we collect blood from people with features we like and mix and match their features!"

"Why humans though?" Naruto asked.

"Well, we use other forms as well. But humans are great! You're so sensitive and warm and it feels great to take baths as humans!" Ringumo smiled... then look depressed.

"But I haven't been able to get enough blood to make my own special human form yet," she sighed.

"Why not?" Naruto asked.

"It's tasty. I keep eating it."

We all stared, sharing in the horror. I gave my teammates a look. I think this completely justifies all of my dislike of the spider clan. Ringumo looked confused.

"What? You are! You should be happy! Honey bees don't taste anywhere as good, even though all they eat is honey! But you guys taste really yummy!"

"Well, er... thanks, I guess?" Naruto said. "So, you don't have enough blood for it? How many samples do you need?"

"I need at least four samples. I already have one..." She looked speculatively at all of us. I immediately shook my head.

"No."

"Oh, please, please, please?" Ringumo begged. "I wanna be human, please? Please? Please? Please?"

To my shock, it was Naruto who looked over at us and shrugged. "Well... I wouldn't mind."

"Naruto?" Sakura asked. Naruto shrugged and grinned.

"Hey, would you want to go around in armor all the time?" He asked. Sakura frowned.

"Well..."

"I promise I'd never ever ever turn into any one of you without your permission, I promise!" Ringumo said. Sakura actually seemed to consider it.

"No," I said again. "You're not getting any of my blood."

"Don't be such a bastard, Sasuke!" Naruto growled.

"Don't be such an idiot, Deadlast," I snorted. "You're really going to let her turn into you?"

"Why not? Ninjas turn into other people all the time!" Naruto argued defensively. "How's this any different?"

"Plus... she is asking," Sakura pointed out. My teammates looked at me, Naruto glaring, Sakura looking reproachful. And Ringumo's eyes were big and cute and teary.

... God damn it, I actually felt pity for this little monster.

That, and she'd probably bother me about it until I gave in. I'd seen her following our sensei around begging for various things until she got them. He appeased her by throwing her a bone (well, a ball, technically) or giving her sweets.

She was such a child. Try as I might, I can't really hate children.

I don't think I want to, to be honest.

"... Fine," I muttered, and cut a bit of my hair off with a kunai. "I like my blood where it is though."

Ringumo squealed happily, and tossed me her ball.

"Have it!"

"Keep it," I muttered, tossing it on a shelf. Ringumo scuttled over, and took my hair. She then went to Sakura and Naruto, very lightly pricking their fingers with her fang. Whatever. I don't think she had told them how tasty she thought they looked very often. Sakura winced a little, which was nothing new. Naruto took it bravely, only twitching a little.

Okay, maybe he does have some courage.

"Okay!" Ringumo said cheerfully, having gathered her trophies. Her body... changed. Rather than a poof of smoke as I'd been expecting, she grew in size and changed colors. Her extra legs and eyes vanished, her body shifted into the more recognizable proportions of a human...

A human female.

A naked human female.

"Hwah?!" Naruto cried, eyes bugging out. I swallowed heavily. I've seen breasts a few times, nursing mothers and such, but context is impor-… what was I thinking about?

Wow.

Ringumo smiled, wearing the form of Hinata Hyuuga.

"H-Hinata? She gave you blood?" Naruto managed. She nodded happily.

"Uh huh! I just asked! She's very nice! Now, let's see..." Ringumo's borrowed body changed quickly. Her hair shifted through several colors, before Ringumo settled on a kind of strawberry blonde. Her face took on some of my features, though her skin tone was definitely Naruto's. From Sakura, she took her eye color and a bit of her height.

Had my trousers shrunk in the last minute? Oh. Nevermind.

"How do I look?" She turned around, showing her back and ass off.

"H-Hey, cover up Ringumo!" Sakura cried, finally getting over her shock. "Humans don't go around naked!"

"Huh? Oh, right. Clothes," Ringumo said, rolling her eyes. She gained clothing through a genjutsu, simple blue shorts and a black shirt. She grinned broadly.

"Better?"

"Uh, great!" Naruto managed.

"Yeah," Sakura replied, blushing a bit herself. I knew she was a pervert. All that rivalry with Ino made a lot more sense now...

"It's fine," I muttered.

Ringumo smiled, and hugged Naruto and Sakura. "Awww... Thank you so much, you guys!" She cried. They froze stiff, before she let go and grabbed me.

"!" Her clothing was a genjutsu. I probably looked as stunned as my teammates.

"This has been such a great day!"

"Yeah…" Naruto agreed, a goofy smile on his face.

"Let's go to the baths! I wanna try this body out!" She finally let go of me and leaped through the hole in the wall. "Last one in is a mosquito larvae!"

"Do you think we should follow her?" Naruto asked. Sakura groaned, and shot off after her.

"Without her, I don't think we'll be able to get around!" She called over her shoulder. Naruto and I were left alone. He looked at me, and I looked back.

"What?"

"Uh, well..." He shrugged. "Just... you know. Hinata's really, uh..."

I stared at him, then nodded. "Yeah she is. She likes you. Don't ruin it."

Don't say I never do anything nice.

"C'mon, I'm not getting lost in this crazy place with you," I grumbled, jumping out.

"HEY! I'm not getting lost with YOU!" Naruto shouted back, as he quickly caught up.


	7. Chapter 7

**Andoryu**

••••••••••

Combat, like music, requires rhythm. Good rhythm lets you provide a foundation for melody and to maintain harmony with other musicians. Being a musician myself I understood this need. My Other, being a trained ninja, also understood this.

Block, kick, punch, drop and sweep, deflect, punch, dodge. It all flowed together between myself and Jorougumo. Fighting on a web wasn't an issue-I knew how to fight anywhere, thanks largely due to this woman here.

Every strike I made, she blocked or dodged. Every attack she made, I managed to dodge... right up until she blurred and slammed a flat palm into my stomach.

I relaxed my muscles as trained and snapped a kick up at her face. She dodged, and the world hyper-focused as I blurred as well, trying to punch her face. She tilted her head just out of reach, and my fist had to snap back to avoid being caught in her grip.

"Very good," Jorougumo complimented. "I only hit you once at this level. You've improved." She smiled, the serenity of a master of her art shining through. "You move very well."

"Thank you, Jorougumo-sama," I replied, controlling my breathing carefully. "You are a good teacher."

Her serenity vanished as she blushed and then leaped at me.

"GAH!"

"Oh Ando-kun, you say the nicest things!" She said, glomping me happily. I groaned.

Jorougumo has mood swings like most people have facial expressions, my Other's memories calmly pointed out. Then again, he didn't know how to predict her either, so I was just as good as myself... or bad?

In any event, I managed to free myself again, as Jorougumo giggled.

"Ah, I have missed sparring with you," Jorougumo sighed. She smiled wickedly. "Especially practicing grappling and holds~"

"Er, yes, that was... most informative," I managed, backing away. Jorougumo moved closer.

"But really, such activities are merely the action of a master and her beloved student."

"Ah, you _are_ my beloved teacher though," I pointed out, scooting backwards more. I tried not to convey fear. That just seemed to excite her more.

How convenient: male spiders fear females but cannot help but be drawn to them, and female spiders love fear. Of course it works that way in some humans as well…

Oh goddamit, Anko!

"Oh, but you have not visited me in so long!" Jorougumo pouted. First the calm sensei, then the wanton woman, and now, she looked like a sulky girl. It was a wonder my Other didn't get whiplash dealing with her.

Oh, right, he and I both kind of liked crazy women. Geez, why couldn't he have been into mousy girls? Then at least one part of us wouldn't be reacting...

"Well, I have been very busy..."

"You always have time for Rin-chan and her brothers and sisters," Jorougumo huffed.

"Ah, well, I don't think you'd appreciate me summoning you just to torment lowlifes, Jorougumo-sama," I said carefully, "you are far too important to trifle with that."

She raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes, really..."

She blurred and we were suddenly nose to nose.

"But that means more time with you, Ando-kun... I could tolerate anything for you," she said with a bit of a sexy whine.

I coughed. "Ah... Then I'd have to explain to the Hokage why I was summoning my Boss summon frequently..." Her arms were threatening to wrap around me again. It was very, very fortunate that one of the first things the spiders taught me was how to move very fast in a crouch.

"Umph!" She grunted as she missed me again. She pouted at me.

"I'm sure I could explain it to him for you. Or… you could resolve all your problems quite easily, you know," she said.

"Jorougumo-sama, er, I don't think you should move in with me," I said quickly. "URK!" She tackled and glomped me. Oh, right, she had how many years more experience with their techniques than me again?

She was just playing with me. As usual.

"Well, we could always get married, you know," she said cheerfully. "In case you're afraid of living in sin... Although that _does_ sound fun," Jorougumo ended on a purr. I gulped.

You could only run so far from certain subjects with her... Or any woman, for that matter. The only other option I had was distraction.

"Oh dear, I um... I haven't had my bath yet, Jorougumo-sama," I said. "I um, need to get cleaned up."

"A bath?" Jorougumo asked happily. "I love baths! Let's both take one!"

"Er, that's not what I- YEOW!"

Now, I know what you're thinking: The baths? What was I thinking? Wasn't I trying to _avoid_ death by Snu-Snu from Jorougumo? Or for that matter, by any of the other female spiders, no doubt in human form, enjoying themselves in the hot springs at the base of the tree?

Let's get down to brass tacks. For spiders, sex is a strong biological drive, but it's not really 'fun' like it is for primates, dolphins, and a few others. In fact, it's nerve-wracking for the males, because if they mess up, there's a good chance they'll die.

Now, not all female spiders eat the males after mating, and even in the infamous black widow species not all matings end in death, but it's still dicey for any spider. And the females here aren't really happy about it either. They're sapient. They have instincts, and they still kill lovers- but they understand they just killed their lover after the fact.

So there is no social sex. None. Imagine the most Catholic sex-is-for-babies-only mindset and apply it to all spiders.

So why Jorougumo trying to jump my bones?

Because the Juro spiders are shapeshifters, who gained access to human bodies a few generations ago. And in case you didn't know, sex is _amazing_ as a human. Imagine discovering masturbation as an adult. So Juro spiders have relatively recently gone from the standard prudish nature of spiders, to collectively acting like bonobos on Viagra and Red Bull.

This has led to… issues, in the Juro clan.

They may have been in human bodies but they were still spiders. And if an "adopted spider" such as myself could be strongly influenced by spider instincts, then even in human form spiders are going to be _tempted_ to _occasionally_ eat their mates after doing the deed.

Jorougumo is strong enough, and has enough chakra control, to dismember and eat me as a human. Trust me on this.

However, there was a method to my madness... Which I kept firmly repeating in my head as Jorougumo teleported us down between the massive roots of the tree.

Yeah, she can do that here. And yes, it is pretty damn cool.

The hot springs themselves were separated by massive roots and large rocks, but from our position on top of a larger root, we could see everything (and good grief, I do mean everything). Women of every skin color, hight, creed or description (but all beautiful) laughed and drank and enjoyed the warm water. It was Peeping Heaven. Beautiful women as far as the eye could see, nude, in steaming hot water.

There were men too, though not as many, and they tended to stick together. The baths were communal, with no formal segregation of sexes. There wasn't much point. Sentient spiders, even the Juro, didn't do casual sex when it could lead to deaths. The spider baths never had any escapades of the Jiraiya style, everyone was just there to relax in a fun, soothing activity.

Speaking of, I don't think Jiraiya would mind that they were all actually giant spiders in morph. Hell, he could probably write a whole series using that as the premise. I would have to remember to use this as a potential bribe at some point. Actually, he was strong enough he might be able to seal the deal and get away, too.

I was knocked out of my pondering as I felt every eye turn towards us. Eyes that widened in recognition. Hoo boy.

"Ando-kun!"

"Ando-kun!"

"Ando-kun!"

"Sensei?!"

Aha! Salvation! "Oh look, over there, my students. Let's go see them," I said quickly. Jorougumo smiled.

"Wonderful idea!"

I zipped down, studiously keeping my eyes on the two hot springs that held my students. It seemed that Sakura had made sure they were situated a fair distance from the heavily occupied ones. It didn't stop many of the spider-people from congregating around the pools in question, no doubt curious about these outsiders.

I landed on a boulder separating the two, and heard Sakura's scandalized gasp. Probably because I was naked. Well, Jorougomu was too, but I doubt she was that easy to upset.

"Sensei!"

"Sakura, you're a ninja now. You're going to have to get used to a few things," I said, waving my arm in an arc dismissively. I looked over to Sasuke and Naruto, who were sharing a pool. Both were as red faced as Sakura, and I doubted it was just because of the heat.

"Hey, Ando-kun, hey hey! I got a human form!" A blonde girl I immediately realized had to be Ringumo cheered. She stood up out of the water and twirled around, making the boys grow a shade of red deeper. "How do I look?"

"Very nice, Ringumo!" I said with a perfectly straight face. Hey, I'm not into underaged girls, thank you very much. Especially not underaged spider lolis. Or should I say moe, given it looked like she'd borrowed Hinata's DNA for her gestalt. Sakura blushed, looking scandalized at Ringumo's behavior. However, she didn't yell at me. Hmm... Then again, I wasn't misbehaving, really.

"Ooh! Mommy, Mommy, come soak with us!" Ringumo called. Jorougumo's hands came around me, and I tried not to sweat.

"Mmm... Andoryuu and I have much to discuss... We will require a-"

"Sure, we'll soak together," I said quickly. "Scoot over Naruto, Sasuke."

"Sure sensei," Naruto said. Jorougumo looked between the two pools, pursed her lips, and then smiled.

"I know! Let's all soak in one pool together. That's the best solution, I feel."

"Ah, Jorougumo-sama-" Her grip tightened, and I winced. "Of course. How wise!"

Just imagine how I'd be acting if I didn't have a plan…

••••••••••

The appearance of Jorougumo at our pool had driven everyone else out of the area. It was probably for the best, but made me even more nervous somehow.

"Haaa... Isn't this nice, Ando-kun?" Jorougumo asked, stretching quite provocatively, before slipping an arm around my back. Naruto and Sasuke, sitting across from us, looked like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Sakura, amusingly enough, wasn't that far off herself.

"Yeah! This is grrrreat," Ringumo moaned, sinking deeper into the hot water of Jorougumo's private bath. "It's been so long since I've been human! I really love this new body too!"

"Yes, it's very nice," I said.

"Thank you very, very much again, Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke!" Ringumo said with an almost drunken smile on her face. "This is the best day ever..."

"Er, uh. Jorougumo-sama," Sakura managed. "Um, it's... that is-"

"Yes, Sakura Haruno?" Jorougumo asked. The pink haired girl steeled her nerves, and managed to look the Spider Queen in the eyes.

"We ah… we're used to... single-sex baths." She explained.

"Mou? Really?" Jorougumo asked. "You segregate the sexes?"

"Ah, y-yes," Sakura explained.

"Why?" Jorougumo asked.

"Er..."

"It's, um... To avoid embarrassment," Naruto supplied. "Like, you know, perverts and... stuff?"

"Perverts? How do you mean?" Jorougumo asked.

"Ah... Um..."

"Humanity has different social standards about nudity and sex than the spider clans do, Jorougumo-sama. Public nudity and sex are generally taboo. It has to do with courting and mating rituals."

Sakura looked as if she were about to pass out from mortification. Perhaps this was all a positive experience. I know my students are twelve, but… Well, we really shouldn't be having pubescent pre-teens running around killing people in the first place. I'll do what I can with what I've got, I suppose. Maybe when Naruto runs things I'll get him to raise the age limit for genin.

Jourogumo-sama's eyes lit up in understanding when I mentioned mating rituals, as I hoped they would. Many spider clans had elaborate procedures to woo lovers, holdovers from before they were sentient. "Ah, I see! Well, I'm afraid we don't here. And whilst amongst the crickets, should we not hop?" Jorougumo asked with a sultry smile.

I nodded. "Well, all the same, if it'll make my students more comfortable." I put my fingers together in the Tiger seal, and focused my chakra. "Henge."

POOF! A moment later, I was now in Sexy Jutsu form.

"I'll just be in female form," I said in a significantly more feminine voice. Jorougumo blinked, and looked me over. She then reached out and poked my breast.

"A full transformation?" She asked, looking delighted. I nodded.

"Yes! Not that dissimilar from what you do, Jorougumo-sama," I explained. I pointed to Naruto. "He invented it, and taught me."

"Really? You can do this?" Jorougumo asked with a smile. Naruto blushed, but pride won the day and he began to speak at length about the invention of his Sexy Jutsu, and the considerable utility it had. I smiled. Even ninja can only stay in the hot springs for so long, and as long as Jorougumo and Naruto talked about shapeshifting for the whole time, which they probably would… well, I was home free.

"Wow! Bigger than mine," Ringumo said, poking my boobs from the other side. "Do humans like boobs being large?"

"Your body was taken from adolescents, so it's still growing, mine is an adult." I had a flash of brilliance. "Ah, go ask Sasuke about it," I said. Ringumo smiled happily and nodded. She then swam next to Sasuke and sat in his lap, turning his face bright red.

"Um?"

"Sasuke-kun, do you like large boobs?" Ringumo asked. Sakura seethed, and instinctively pushed Ringumo off Sasuke's lap.

"Ringumo, don't do that! It's not proper!"

"Oh? Why?" The spider-turned-girl asked.

Sakura also blushed bright red, as I marvelled at my genius. Dance my puppets, dance!

"Urk!" Jorougumo glomped onto me and smiled warmly into my face.

"So, Naruto-kun tells me that human males often enjoy watching two females together," she purred. "Tell me Ando-kun, would you be willing to indulge me in a little experimentation?"

It was my turn to blush, and saw Naruto's smirk out of the corner of my eyes. Oh, I was going to get him for this somehow.

Sakura, fortunately, came to my rescue.

"Ah, well, Jorougumo-sama, remember the whole public sex taboo?" Sakura asked.

"No one is making you stay," Jorougumo suggested, looking a little annoyed.

"Eh? Sasuke, what's this thing?" Ringumo asked.

"Wha-!" Sasuke let out a squeak, which would have been adorable under other circumstances.

I didn't have to stop anything though, as Sakura was already on it. "RINGUMO!" Sakura grabbed Ringumo's shoulders, and yanked her away from Sasuke angrily. "Damn it Ringumo, don't do that!"

"Ohhh..." Ringumo nodded. "I was being 'taboo', wasn't I?"

"You were-?!" Sakura's jaw damn near dropped to the surface of the water. Sasuke's entire body seemed to be burning bright red.

Naruto was laughing his ass off. Jorougumo frowned, and looked back into my eyes. I shrugged.

"Clearly there are a lot of social nuances to learn, Jorougumo-sama... Maybe when we come back from that mission we can try that experiment." I smiled.

At this point I figured I could only put things off so long. I used to able to fend her off, back when I wasn't the spider sage, but it seemed like Jorougumo wasn't going to take no for an answer anymore. If we were both female, _maybe_ she'd be able to resist the urge to gnaw my head off better. Perhaps if I fed her a cow right before hand too?

"Oh! Well, I suppose," Jorougumo sighed.

"I do have my duty. You wouldn't want me to slack off on it, would you?" I asked.

"Of course not!" The Spider Queen smiled warmly. "But I'd like you more if you chose to delay~"

"Sorry Jorougumo-sama. You know the old saying: 'Duty is heavier than a mountain, death lighter than a feather'," I quoted. Jorougumo blinked.

"I do?"

"... Well, you do now," I offered.

I looked over at the still laughing Naruto, and then back at Ringumo. Suddenly I knew the form of my revenge.

"Hey, Gumo-chan. It's not taboo to try things with Naruto, you know."

"It isn't?" Ringumo asked.

Sakura, immediately getting my intention, grinned evilly. "Nope! He's an exception to the rules."

"Okay!" Ringumo cheered, as she leaped out of the water and landed on top of the laughing blonde.

"ACK! RINGUMO!"

"Oooh! This one's kinda a different shape than Sasuke's! But I kind of like it. Woah! You have your own balls? I'm so jealous!"

"GAH! DON'T TOUCH THAT! DAMNIT SENSEI!"

I leaned back against the rock, restraining my laughter, as Jorougumo slid off my lap and sat next to me, looking confused.

"Have I mentioned I find your people very strange, Ando-kun?" She asked.

"Not lately," I said, as Naruto thrashed frantically underneath a laughing Ringumo.


	8. Chapter 8

**Sakura**

••••••••••

Thankfully, the idea of changing rooms were not foreign to the Juro clan, and I was able to towel off in peace. I can't believe Sensei! I'm a girl in the first blossom of maturity. I shouldn't be seeing… any of that!

I put on my clothing, still fuming slightly… We really shouldn't have given Ringumo our blood. She should have found some children her own age to ask… Although I doubt we'd get any kids to agree, I suppose.

Still! She has no sense of propriety!

"Sakura, are you decent?" Tsume-sensei called from around the corner.

"Almost, why?"

"I thought we should talk."

"About w- nevermind, one moment." I finished dressing. "Come in."

He walked in, a thoughtful look on his face. "It's time we had a chat."

I blinked. That sounded kind of ominous. "Oh?"

"Sakura. You've been doing a great job learning everything I've taught you, and doing well in missions. I just want to make sure you really understand what you're getting yourself into."

"What? Of course I do. It's a little late for me not to, don't you think?"

He smiled that strange, distant smile of his when he was being serious. Like he was looking through me.

"The life of a ninja is rough. I understand you're twelve, but you need to think more like a ninja, even outside missions. Your behaviour in the pools could have offended Jurougumo. In the future, you're going to find yourself in places and situations that will be dirty, or embarrassing, uncomfortable, or painful. You might have to deal with people who look down on you and just stand there and suck it up, because your country needs something from them.

"You do a good job training, as I said. But sometimes I get the feeling that you're just playing at this. That's it's just a summer job. When things really get rough, are you going to fold? Are you committed to this?"

I could feel my cheeks burning.

Sensei sighed, and looked at me with a piercing expression. The kind my father wore whenever he didn't have a stupid joke or pun to make, and was speaking right at something in my core.

"I think at this point you've realized your original dream of becoming Mrs. Uchiha is a little more complicated than you first thought," he said gently, his green eyes locked to mine. "I'm not going to dissuade you from it. Hell, if you two ended up happily ever after, that'd make me happy too. But you realize Sasuke isn't the tragic prince you made him up to be. He has clear goals in mind, and he's not going to love anyone back easily." He raised his eyebrows. His gaze pinned me, almost hypnotic in its intensity.

"More to the point, you're all _twelve._ So marriage and babies is right out. Even if Sasuke didn't have his issues, neither of you is ready. So I want you to tell me, Sakura Haruno, Genin of Konohagakure… What do you want?"

"I… do I have to want something?"

He seemed to take that seriously. "Well, no. Most people go through their lives without clear goals. Then again, most people aren't ninja either. But you…" He hesitated.

"What?" I asked, confused and angry. He smiled and shrugged.

"... You have potential," he said. "As much as Naruto or Sasuke."

I gaped in shock. That was the last thing I expected to hear. "Really? How, where?"

"You mastered tree climbing almost instantly. You've grasped all the camping jutsu, faster than the others. You've even gotten the genjutsu and the healing jutsu I taught you down," he went on. I shook my head.

"I-I only got those because my chakra's… So low," I admitted with a wince. "And the healing-I-I've barely mastered it and never used it properly-!"

"It's true that with a small chakra supply, it's easier to learn control, but you have more than that. It's also true that girls usually have better control, but you have more than that as well. You have medical grade control, from what I've seen." Sensei shook his head. "More than that? Even people with small chakra capacities often can't learn jutsu anywhere near as fast as you can. You aren't _just_ books. _Or _the kunoichi fangirl. Sakura… You could be _great_. Not just as Sasuke's girlfriend or wife, not just as a kunoichi, but someone who could take on the world and _win."_

I heard my heart pounding in my ears. I squeezed my hands together, worrying them in front of me. I had done it as a little girl before a teacher at times, but now it felt like I was standing in front of a cliff.

"The question you have to ask yourself is… Do I want to be great? Because that won't just happen. Potential is important, but it can be squandered. I'm talking to you because I don't want you to think you're dead weight. I want you to focus, and find a goal, a dream. A drive.

"Do you want to be great? A name in your own right? Or a Mrs Sakura, who married that ninja down the road?"

I opened my mouth, but words wouldn't come.

"Whatever you decide, I will help you make that dream a reality. You can leave the ninja corps after your service is up, become a civilian, live how you want to. No one will say anything. It's perfectly honorable. Plenty of Konoha citizens have done it and gone on to live happy lives."

"Like Shiina-san," I murmured. He nodded, not even wincing.

"Like her. She is happy," he frowned. "But is that what _you _want?"

"Do I have to choose now?" I whispered softly. He shook his head.

"No. But you should make up your mind soon. If you want to be great, that takes time. Effort. Will. And even blood. Hopefully others, but not always," he grinned.

I chuckled weakly. I wasn't blind or deaf, and despite being rivals with Ino, I had her gossip to listen to. Many thought I was the weak link on Team 7. Despite being the deadlast, Naruto could use a forbidden jutsu like it was nothing, and could take a beating and get up over and over again. And of course, Sasuke was the Rookie of the Year, a genius. What was I compared to that? I'd already heard the nicknames they were giving me: Miss "Stand Around Scared". Even some of the older ninja were saying things like that. That I'd just be a damsel needing rescue.

Yet here was my teacher, an accomplished ninja himself… Willing to help me whatever I decided. Not thinking I was a waste of space, or a liability. He was giving me a choice, because he had confidence in me!

All I had to do was make a choice...

"I think... I want to be great."

"You think? Maybe you should think a bit more. Tell it to me with conviction next time."

"... Alright."

He patted me on the shoulder, like comrades in arms would, and walked out.

I did want to be great, right? Didn't everyone?

••••••••••

**Naruto**

••••••••••

Sensei is a bastard. A total and complete bastard!

I mean, he's sicced Ringumo on me a couple times, but never when she was human! And, ya know, naked! And, I... wow.

I had no idea Hinata looked like, _that._

Or felt...

But that doesn't take away how big a bastard he is!

And he used my Sexy Jutsu to do it, too! Oh, I'm going to get him back for this, he is so screwed! Maybe I'll mention Anko-san in front of Jurougumo when we get back.

Anyway, after I finally managed to get Ringumo to leave me alone and finished in the baths, we got dressed and headed back to Jorougumo's throne room. She gave us a big, toothy smile.

"I look forward to your return, Ando-kun," she told our sensei. He nodded and bowed respectfully.

"I look forward to returning soon, Jorougumo-sama," he said in a polite voice. Jorougumo's smile grew, and she looked like she was about to hug him again.

"Ah, Jorougumo-sama?" He tried. Jorougumo stopped, and then pouted.

"Oh... I was just going to give you something to help you on your journey," she whined.

"What?"

She rose, and made a few handseals.

"You see, the Mizugumo may require some things of you. Things you cannot do as a human," she said. Quicker than any of us could see, she slammed her palm into Sensei's chest. His eyes bugged out... And then bugged out.

"Eh?!"

It was kind of like watching Ringumo's transformation into a human in reverse. He sprouted extra legs and arms, his ass grew and lengthened, his mouth and face changed too.

"Oh God," Sakura muttered, eyes wide. Sasuke also looked pale... well, even paler than usual. Me, I reacted the only way I could.

"Woah. Cool!"

Standing there, looking a bit confused, was our Sensei as a Jorou Spider. A male, judging by his size and coloring. Though there were differences, of course. His eyes, all eight of them, had round markings that made it look like he was still wearing glasses. His exoskeleton was the same shade of brown as his hair. And he looked just as nervous as he had before.

"Aw goddamnit..." He muttered as he held up a leg and examined it. "I am so screwed."

"Look on the bright side," Jorougumo purred. "You make a most handsome spider."

"That's what I'm afraid of," he sighed. "ACK!"

Ringumo had jumped on top of him, still in human form. She wore a big smile.

"Ando-kun, you look great!"

"Great, thanks," he muttered. He looked over at Jorougumo. "So. How do I change back?"

"It will wear off in a few days," Jorougumo said. She smiled. "Think of it as a test of your new Sage status. It is easy to fight in a form you are familiar with, but not as easy as when you are in one alien to you."

"Yes, Jorougumo-sama," our sensei replied. He looked at all of us. "Do they also need to be in Spider form?"

"Yes, but don't worry, I've picked out forms that should be quite suitable for them," she said.

"Eh?! Woah, wait a minute!" I protested. "You want us to go around as spiders?"

Sasuke shuddered, and began muttering that mantra of his again.

"Of course! It is best to greet the Mizugumo in such forms. They regard it as very respectful," Jorougumo said. "Now... Hold still..."

"But I-!"

She moved, so fast I couldn't even see her. I felt her press her palm into my chest, and I looked down. I could see sealwork decorating her hand as she pulled it away.

That's when I also began to change. Actually, it wasn't too different from my Sexy Jutsu.

… Nope! It was very different. Horribly different! Extra legs and eyes and everything!

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" I screamed, as I transformed quickly. My skeleton seemed to vanish and then reappear on my skin, my head twisted and stretched, my eyes got bigger, and I fell over onto all... Eights.

"EEYAAAAHHH!" Sakura screamed, and Sasuke let out a whimper. On any other occasion, I'd be enjoying him acting like a little bitch, but it was hard to enjoy someone else's horror when you're going through the same thing.

Maybe a minute later, it was over. I held up my arms, and stared intently.

"Huh. Well, that was... oh, good, I can still talk." I looked over at Jorougumo. "What'd you turn me into?"

"I'm glad you asked!" The Spider Queen said happily. Male Jorou Spiders suddenly appeared, holding up mirrors. My mouthparts... well, I assume they formed an expression of horror, but I'm not entirely sure.

I was a spider, all right. A giant spider. I think I was of the same kind as Ookamigumo-A Portia Spider, Sensei called it. They were furry, fast, had good eyesight and were very smart, very sadistic bastards.

So, as far as spiders go, I guess it wasn't too bad. Of course, it was me being turned into a spider, which was still pretty messed up.

"AUGH!" I cried. I scuttled closer, and looked more intently. I held up my forward arms, and got a hold of one tuft of blonde hair. I tugged on it.

"Ow!" Okay. I wasn't dreaming then. Or hallucinating. Or in a genjutsu. Probably.

Well, at least I was still blonde. That was kind of cool?

I turned around, and looked over at my teammates. Sakura was a big, pink, smooth-looking spider that resembled a crab. Her mouthparts were also open in an expression of horror. Sasuke...

I burst out laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What's so funny?!" Sasuke demanded angrily.

"You! You're- HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!" I continued to laugh, hard. He was a black widow spider... a female black widow, if I was getting the hang of things. How could ANYONE not laugh?

Sasuke looked at his mirror... And he got really, really angry.

"I! Bwah, a black widow?!" He demanded.

"Their venom is quite potent," Jorougumo said with a smile. "Admittedly, that is not all there is to being a spider..."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I continued.

"Shut up, Naruto!" Sakura snarled. Sensei just looked amused. Well, amused for a spider.

"All right, all right, I have had my fun," Jorougumo said. She pressed her hand into Sasuke's face, and he shifted again. This time, I could tell he was a jumping spider like me, with black fur and red eyes. I huffed, but it was probably better for him this way. And us. We wouldn't have to hear him whine about it.

"Better?" Jorougumo asked.

"Not really," Sasuke replied flatly.

"Come on Bastard, think of it as an adventure!" I cried.

"This is not an adventure, this is hell," Sasuke emphasized. I blew the spider equivalent of a raspberry at him… hopefully. I think I did anyway, and that's the important thing.

"Well, let's be off then, we're burning daylight," Sensei said. He gave the spider equivalent of a bow to Jorougumo, and turned to scuttle off. He almost made it off the web.

The Spider Queen jumped across and hugged him from behind. "Come back safely, my wonderful Ando-kun," she purred. If you've never seen a woman dry hump a giant spider… I don't know where to take that, but it was a sight. I think Sensei was blushing, but I still wasn't 1oo% on spider facial emotes.

"I will, promise," he said. He scuttled off quickly, and the rest of us followed. Well, except for Sakura.

"Sakura-chan?" I tried.

Sakura shuddered, but scuttled after us. Ringumo skipped along, still in human form, with a big smile on her face.

"Oh, this is going to be so much fun!" She enthused.

"And why does she get to stay in human form?" Sasuke demanded.

"Because I can change back whenever! And I'm special." Ringumo said, sticking her tongue out.

Sasuke grumbled. Sakura looked resigned.

"Yes you are, Ringumo. Yes you are," Sensei said, as we crossed the bridge into the palace proper.

"So, um... does this shape shifting work the same way as with humans?" Sakura finally asked.

"Essentially, yes," Sensei said. "I smelled spider blood in the seal she used. She probably got samples from a few different species to use. She switched them out for each of us."

"I didn't see her do that," Sakura said.

"She did it faster than you could see, probably," Sensei said.

"So, you saw it?" I asked.

"I saw a blur... She isn't the Queen for nothing, you know," Sensei replied.

That was cool, but what I really wanted to do was find out what this spider body of mine could do. So, I tensed my muscles, and jumped.

"WOO!" I cried, as I was now way ahead of the others. "AWESOME!"

I turned around and gave them a spider grin. "This is so cool! Look how far I jumped!"

"Hmph," Sasuke said.

"Ha! You're just jealous because my spider form's way better than yours!" I called back. Sasuke jumped too, and landed right in front of me.

"Yeah?" He asked. I growled back.

"Yeah! First one outside, wins!"

"All right. GO!" He shouted, jumping down the tunnel ahead of me. That cheating bastard!

"YOU CHEATER!" I shouted, and jumped after him. Oh, he wasn't getting away that easy! It didn't matter what form we were in, I was still going to beat that stupid Bastard!

••••••••••

**Andoryuu**

••••••••••

Okay... Spider-form. Yeah. It's weird. To be honest, I can't really go much more in depth than that for the simple reason you'd kind of have to be there in order to truly appreciate it. Eight legs, eight eyes, your skeleton on the outside, your muscles based on hydraulics rather than leverage. Let's just say it's very, very strange. Even for me.

My students seemed to be adjusting a little easier, though I suspected Naruto's excitement was only because it was temporary. However, him awakening Sasuke's natural competitive spirit seemed to be helping my most broody student to work with it.

Sakura stuck close to me, looking alternately terrified and disgusted. At least Jorougumo's jutsu had allowed for some translation between the two forms. I could read spider facial expressions from long practice, and my students seemed to be making the correct ones instinctively.

"Hey, relax, it's only temporary," I told her as we scuttled down the corridor. Sasuke and Naruto were far up ahead. Jorou Spiders and Crab spiders weren't really built for high speed jumps. Actually, the normal ones couldn't jump at all, but gaining sentience and having access to chakra changed that for most summon spiders.

"I know, but it's still..." She shuddered. Ringumo, walking nearby, looked back at Sakura and smiled.

"Aw... don't worry, Sakura! You look great, you know?" She sighed. "I'm actually kind of jealous, you have such a nice opisthosoma!"

"A what now?" Sakura asked.

"She's complimenting you on your ass, Sakura," I explained with a grin. Sakura's pedipalps worked in a frenzy, signalling her embarrassment.

"SENSEI!"

"What? I'm just translating. Anyway, it's something spiders look for," I said. Ringumo nodded.

"Mmhm!" She patted her own backside. "Thanks to you and Hinata I have a really nice one! Well, for a human anyway…"

"Um, well. Thanks?" Sakura managed.

"I never have understood what breasts are for, but they sure are fun! Almost as good as balls." Two of my eyes caught Ringumo jiggling her breasts in both hands as we walked along.

"Stop that! Don't make me take my blood back from you!"

I chuckled. "Are you sure you want her going around as a guy instead?"

Sakura froze a moment, before scurrying ahead after the boys, thoroughly embarrassed. There seemed to be a lot of that going on recently.

We made it out of the palace and outside, on top of the massive tree. The clouds had blocked out the sun, but there didn't seem to be any sign of a storm. Sasuke and Naruto were arguing about who had won their race.

"I totally won!"

"In your dreams, Deadlast! Even as a horrific affront to God I'm still better than you!"

"Fuck you Bastard, I am so much better! After all, I'm the same species as Ookami, and have you ever beaten him?"

"Oh yeah, like you're one to talk! When was the last time you beat him without spamming explosives like a loser?"

"I still managed it at least! Fuck you, Firebreath!"

"Okay, okay, enough!" I shouted. "Look, we really should get going, and arguing isn't going to get our mission done any sooner."

"So, this does count as a mission?" Naruto asked, switching gears instantly. I did the spider equivalent of a nod.

"Yes, it does. Or rather, it will once we get back and I explain things. I think a high level diplomatic mission to a valued ally of Konoha will look favorable on all your records, myself," I said. Sasuke considered it. Sakura looked interested.

"Besides, Jorougumo seems to like you all. That's quite the honor," I went on. "There are very few humans she does like. In any event, this is a great opportunity for all of you, and we need to keep focused. So, don't screw up, all right?"

"You can count on me, Sensei!" Naruto crowed. "Just as long as I get to learn some really cool stuff!"

"Well, when you put it that way. I guess this is pretty important." Sakura said.

"... If I didn't want to go, what would happen?" Sasuke asked.

"You'd stay here as a guest of Jorougumo's until we returned. Maybe I could convince Ringumo to keep you company," I suggested. Sasuke shuddered.

"... Fine," he said, with a glance at Naruto. After all, if his self-proclaimed rival was going, no way was Sasuke going to miss out. "But this had better be worth it."

"Come on, come on! It's ready!" Ringumo cried from above us. We looked up and saw her climbing up the palace, heading for the very top of the tree.

"Huh? What's ready?" Naruto asked. I scuttled to the wall and began to climb myself.

"It's pretty simple. On foot, it's a week's journey to the Mizugumo's territory," I explained. "But, there's a much faster way to get there."

"What?" Sasuke asked, as he, Naruto and Sakura all followed me up the side of the golden palace.

"Focus your eyes on the tip of the treetop," I advised. "Look very carefully..."

The sun shined through the clouds, and a golden line of silk became visible. It stretched from the top of the tree, far off into the distance.

"Woah..." Naruto muttered.

The top of the palace was a circular chamber, also made out of silk, that was guarded by several Jorou males. Two of them were in what I immediately identified as Indian Sun Spider morphs. Technically, sun spiders aren't spiders, but I wouldn't say that to their face. Very big, very fast, very nasty forms that were good for combat. They all saluted the moment I came in.

"Andoryuu-sama!

"Andoryuu-sama!"

I nodded to them, returning the spider version of a salute. Kind of a bow with your fangs extended. It's different depending on your species, or for Joru, the body you were wearing. The guards wearing sun spider morphs had to do this thing with their chelicerae that… well. Nevermind. I just hope Sakura doesn't find out what males use the flagellum for other than saluting.

"Gentlemen, good to see you," I said. To be entirely honest, I felt a lot more at ease around Jorou males. Granted, they were no less dangerous than the females, but spidery instincts identified them at worst as "potential rivals" and not "those who will eat me after sex". My adventures here had put me firmly in the good graces of pretty much every Juro spider, so I didn't have much to fear from other males.

"The line is ready!" One of them reported. "The guys at the Mizugumo station took a lot less time than we thought."

"Thank you," I returned gratefully. I then narrowed all eight of my eyes... Yeah, we'd gotten eyelids too. "Fandangumo?"

The male gave me the spider equivalent of a smile. "Got it in one, Andoryuu-sama."

"Hey, how have you been?" I asked happily.

"Good. I'm in charge of the Webline section now," he said proudly. "But I wanted to see you off myself, you see."

"Well of course! I'm sure you'll do well," I said. Fandangumo's smile grew.

"Only because of what you taught me."

"Aw, come on, it just comes naturally to you guys," I said modestly. "So, shall we?"

"Of course... and these are your students!" He smiled in turn at them, his eyes resting on Sakura. "Oh... I had heard you had a female, but I was not aware she was so beautiful."

Sakura gaped. Naruto scowled. Sasuke actually smirked.

"Well, um, thanks. Um, this isn't my usual form," she stuttered.

"No, but it suits you," Fandangumo said. "I love human females."

"HEY! COME ON ALREADY!" Ringumo shouted from the top of the sphere. "STOP TAKING UP EVERYONE'S TIME, FANDANGUMO!"

"Annoying brat," Fandangumo muttered.

"I HEARD THAT, COUSIN!"

"Anyway," Fandangumo said, "you all know how to travel by webline?"

"First time for my students," I explained.

Fandangumo nodded. "Ah, it would be, right. Come with me," he said. He scuttled up the sphere, and we followed him. We squeezed through a hole at the top, and emerged in the open air.

The top branch of the tree had been bent and secured into something like the support for a ski lift, and wrapped tightly around it was the line extending far into the distance. Ringumo, now in spider form, was producing silk and wrapping it securely around herself. Fandangumo scuttled in front of us, and pulled out a line of his own silk.

"Okay... Just produce some silk, and wrap it around the back and front of your legs. Do not wrap it around your middle, that might get you cut in half," he said, as he demonstrated. "That done, produce some more silk and twist it, like this, and then tie it onto the right side of your harness."

Ringumo, having finished these steps, scuttled over underneath the webline and threw the silk over the line, and tied it to the left side of her harness.

"Then, you get directly under the line, throw it over like so, and tie it to the left side," Fandangumo finished. "Only jump off when we say so, not before, got it?"

"So, does everybody travel like this around here?" Sakura asked.

"Most spiders do," Fandangumo said. "However, not many spiders use the Palace station. They usually zip to one of the stations in one of the trees around the Palace."

"Ah," Sakura said.

"Around here, it's the only way to travel," Fandangumo said cheerfully. "Andoryuu-sama came up with it."

"Nah, I just saw what you guys were already doing and I suggested expanding the network," I said. "Come on Fandangumo, quit the sucking up."

"Sorry Andoryuu-sama," Fandangumo said with a grin. "But Mom told us all to treat you very, very well..."

"Yeah yeah," I sighed. "Well! You heard the guy, my students. Get ready."

"So... How do we make silk?" Naruto asked.

"Hm?" Fandangumo asked. "Oh, right, you're humans. Okay... Um..."

"Focus your chakra around your butt, and imagine it squeezing," I suggested. I demonstrated, unbothered by the peculiar feeling. Wasn't any weirder than hydraulic muscles.

"Okay... So... Like thi-AAAAHHHH!" Naruto shot forward, slamming into me as his spinnerets fired with massive force.

"OOF!"

"Ergh... Not exactly," I muttered.

It took a few tries, but everybody figured out how to work their spinnerets without turning them into lethal weapons. It took thirty minutes for them all to learn how to make the right kind of silk though. Finally, we were ready, and standing in a line, harnessed to the very long webline stretching across the forest. We were expected to jump off the edge of the platform. It was rather like parachuting, I reflected.

"Now, we're going to accelerate you by signalling to the other end to give it slack," Fandangumo said. "But be careful not to directly touch the line."

"Why not?" Naruto asked.

"The friction is pretty intense at those speeds. You could lose an arm if you're not careful," Fandangumo said. Naruto gulped, and nodded.

"Right..."

"Now, when you jump, curl into a ball. It'll minimize the air resistance and keep you from losing anything," Fandangumo continued. "Keep your eyes forward-When you see some big red signs, you'll be decelerating so be prepared. Only uncurl when the guys at the other end tell you to, all right?"

"Okay!" Ringumo said.

"Roger," I said.

"All right," Sakura said.

"Got it," Naruto said.

"Hn," replied Sasuke, but he nodded in acknowledgment.

The line slackened, just a little, and then a lot, seemingly dipping beneath the trees.

"Okay... Jump when I say so," Reigumo said. "Three... Two... One... GO!"

Ringumo jumped first. "BLAST OFF!" She cried.

"GO!"

Sakura gulped, but scuttled to the edge. She looked down and shuddered.

"I-I-!"

"Dammit Sakura... Naruto! Give her a push!" I commanded.

"Right!" Naruto called. He jumped forward and headbutted Sakura in her abdomen.

"NARUTOOOOOOOOO!" Sakura bellowed, in a mix of fear and rage.

"GO!"

"YEE HAAAAAAA!" Naruto called, jumping ahead. "WOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"... You're all insane," Sasuke muttered.

"GO!"

Sasuke steeled himself, and jumped off the edge too. Fandangumo nodded.

"Good luck, Andoryuu-sama!"

"Thanks, buddy," I said.

"GO!"

And I too jumped, falling fast for the forest floor below. The slight angle adjustment did little to negate the acceleration, and I curled into a ball as I had been told. The forest blurred around me, and I never felt as close to flying as I had right then and there. Even treehopping had little on the sheer speed I felt.

It really was like a roller coaster, and even if my body was different, it still felt like my stomach was falling down ahead of me.

The whole trip took about thirty minutes. Now, to a human, going that fast for that long would be hell, but as a spider I took it without any real problems thanks to my exoskeleton.

The line began to tighten again, and I felt myself slowing down. The red signs were large painted leaves in some of the nearby trees. Already, I could feel the difference in the air. It was more humid, and cooler near the swamps.

The station was in the hollow of another great tree, and was illuminated with lamps. My speed had dropped from around a hundred miles an hour to about five, and then zero as the line I was travelling on became thicker, producing more friction.

"All right, release!" Cried the Jorou spider manning (Spidering?) the station, and by stretching my legs, I was able to break the knots of the harness. I landed easily on the padded floor of the tree hollow, and looked over at my students.

Naruto was energetic, waving all of his front legs and calling out "That was awesome!" "Let's do it again!" and "Dattebayo!"

Sasuke looked stoic, but slightly embarrassed. Sakura was a shaking, nervous wreck.

"N-Never again," Sakura muttered.

And Ringumo, of course, was joining Naruto in chanting "Let's do it again!"

I turned and nodded to the station attendant. "Thanks for that," I said.

"Good luck on your mission, Andoryuu-sama," the old spider said, almost gruffly. "You know the way?"

I nodded. "Too well." He nodded back.

"Take care then," he said.

"All right kids... Come on, time's a wasting," I said. I turned and scuttled out of the tree hollow, going down the trunk. My students and Ringumo followed.

"That... has to be the worst thing I have ever done," Sakura shakily said.

"Are you kidding? That was GREAT! Can we do it to get back home, Sensei? Huh? Huh? Can we?" Naruto asked.

"Sure Naruto," I said, as we reached the ground. I looked around, and immediately recognized the barrier between Jorou Territory and Mizugumo-A river, with a long web and wood bridge across it. Mist rose over the river, obscuring the other end of the crossing.

"Huh. So... that's where we have to go?" Naruto asked.

I nodded. "Yep."

"Mizgumo territory," Sasuke murmured. "Doesn't look inviting."

"It's not supposed to," I replied quietly. Nevertheless, I headed forward.

The bridge was wide enough for all of us to walk on it comfortably, and didn't sway in the slightest. The wooden posts that suspended it above the water were decorated in simple pieces of hornet paper, which fluttered in slightest breeze. Add on the lanterns that were sparsely placed and the whole bridge seemed ghostly and ominous.

Which was kind of the point, actually. You see, the river below was moving too fast for spiders to run on, and I hadn't started my students on water walking just yet. And setting up a webline across this distance would be difficult. So the only real way to cross into Mizugumo territory was via this bridge.

Well, that's how they had thought before. They probably thought differently now.

The guards on the other side of the bridge were the first Mizugumo any of my students had gotten a good look at, and Sakura's gasp summed it up. They were big. Dwarfed my current form by at least three times. They wore intricately crafted steel plates, rings, and ringmail, all shaped to conform to their bodies, protecting their abdomens and their cephalothorax (aka 'head'), creating the spider equivalent of plate armor. Their pedipalps were encased in sharp, metal daggers: very deadly close range weapons.

"_Halt! Who goes there?_" One guard called in spider.

"_Tsume Andoryuu, Spider Sage,_" I called back. "_And party!_"

The spiders froze, and I could see the fear in their eyes at my name. I have to admit, I felt a little satisfaction at this. My Other felt a fair amount of guilt.

"_You are a spider!_"

"_I am aware. But who else would come before you claiming to be me?"_ I asked.

Further silence.

"_What business do you have?_"

"_I am here to meet with your ruler, as part of the maintaining of friendly relations between all clans of the Spider Realm!_"

The two guards conferred with each other, before one of them ran off quickly. The remaining guard called out to us.

"_Follow me!_"

I nodded, and took the lead. My students scuttled after me.

"They know you well, huh?" Naruto asked.

"Oh yes. Very well," I said quietly.

The guard paused every few moments to look back at us. Spiders can't really turn their heads to look over their shoulders, so instead he held up his knives to peer into the reflection they offered, like side-view mirrors on a car. Each time, I kept my expression neutral.

The sounds of activity soon hit us, and the lights of a town peered through the mists. We caught sight of other Mizugumo, standing in front of wooden buildings.

"A town…?" Sakura asked. She looked around, probably weirded out at how… Well… Human the architecture looked. It resembled a fairly standard, old school style Japanese town. Paper walls, sloping roofs, sliding doors, the works. The only difference was, of course, that the inhabitants were all giant spiders.

The female Mizugumo were dressed in silken cloaks, of all colors and designs. The males too bore cloaks, most of them black. On the tops of their heads, the males wore tattoos, denoting their status in society. Since they molted to grow, these tattoos changed every time they grew. The Mizugumo society was strongly meritocratic, and your accomplishments in life and your profession determined what kind of tattoos you bore.

The guard led us to a honey shop, and had us sit at a table. We got a lot of looks. The older males and females all stared intently at Ringumo and myself, and I couldn't blame them really. Still, they knew enough to give us our privacy.

"Please, wait here," the guard said in common, and he headed off into the street and vanished from view.

"Wow… That's nice of them," Naruto commented.

"It's just so it's easier to keep watch over us," I explained.

"That's something I wanted to ask you about, Sensei," Sakura said. "Those guards… They acted really strange when you talked to them."

"Like they were afraid," Sasuke said.

"Eh? Well… I guess they were kind of anxious," Naruto said.

"It's because Ando-kun was their greatest enemy during the war," Ringumo piped up.

"Enemy?" My students asked. I sighed, and shot Ringumo a look. She looked a bit sheepish.

"Sorry Ando-kun… I forgot they didn't know. I mean, everybody here knows who Ando-kun is," she explained.

"So it's not just the Jorou Spiders?" Naruto asked. "You're famous everywhere?"

"Not everywhere," I said quietly. "Here, well…" I gave the spider equivalent of a shrug and frown. "Here, I'm infamous."

"As what? A great hero?" Naruto asked.

"No… An enemy," I said flatly.

My students stared in disbelief. I rolled my eyes and snorted.

"Look, long story short. When my sensei dropped me in here years back, the Mizugumo were at war."

"With the Jorou Clan?" Sakura asked.

"With everyone," Ringumo said. "They wanted to take over the world."

"Before, they were the superpower, essentially," I explained. "But my sensei directed them to spread their empire all over this world. They were the strongest fighters, the best warriors. Most of the previous Spider Summoners joined their clan when they signed the contract because of this."

"Ando-kun, however, got adopted into our clan when he saved me and my little brothers and sisters from being eaten by some Mizugumo troops," Ringumo explained. "And he led us in combat."

"So, you guys won the war?" Naruto asked. "Sensei's a great general?"

"Mmhm! A peerless strategist! He taught us how to use our shapeshifting as our greatest weapon!" Ringumo said cheerfully. "It's what let us make the Mizugumo surrender, and sue for peace. It's also what let us become the dominant clan."

"How does that work though?" Naruto asked. "I mean, my Sexy Jutsu's really great, but how does turning into different things let you win a war?"

I looked around under the table, and reached out my legs. Using the claws on the tip of my legs, I carefully picked up a tiny creature crawling in the shadows.

"Know what this is?" I asked.

"It's a mite," Sakura identified. "It's a really tiny arachnid..."

"So, it's like a little tiny spider cousin?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Close enough. This world is crawling with them. They're everywhere, you can't get away from them. And there are hundreds, if not thousands, of little creatures like them all over every square meter of this world, and ours."

I paused for a second, the sounds of the quiet crowd outside reaching us in the inn. Mizugumo walked by. Mothers with their children, young males boasting of the size of their catches, old males sipping honey on porches, and of course, the warriors keeping watch.

"And at any moment," I resumed, "any of these creatures, maybe one, maybe several dozen of them, might turn into Jorou warriors. Warriors who, seconds later, turn into giant sunspiders, scorpions, hornets, frogs, or tarantulas, and kill you. Slaughter you right in your own home." I looked at Naruto. "One shapeshifter can cause all sorts of problems. An entire fighting force? Once I showed them how best to capitalise on it, how could we lose?"

I put the mite down on the table. It scuttled about, mindless of our conversation. My students stared long and hard at it. Sasuke was the first to look up.

"No wonder they hate you so much," he said.


	9. Chapter 9

It was several hours before the guards returned, and we took the time to nap and talk.

"Why isn't it night yet?" Sasuke asked, looking at the shadows cast in the area.

"We didn't just travel a few hundred or thousand miles, we're on a different world. Their days and nights last longer here. There's more oxygen as well, which is why all the invertebrates get so big."

Sakura nodded while Naruto's face scrunched up.

"Bugs, spiders, insects and the like," I explained.

"Oh."

This time the guards came in greater numbers. I could see regular troops from a few different companies among them, as well as a captain. Apparently I was getting the red carpet treatment, such as it was. I betrayed nothing as we watched them approach, but did give some last minute advice.

"Okay, remember: Be polite. Be nice. In fact, try to stay silent for the most part. They don't like me here and they outnumber us."

Sakura nodded, as did Sasuke, though he frowned. Naruto clicked his jaws in annoyance.

"We can't really fight like this, ya know, if we have to," Naruto grumbled. Ringumo huffed.

"Can't fight? What are you implying, huh?"

"Quiet Ringumo, we'll take care of that later," I hissed. I scuttled around in front of my students, making sure I was in front of them. It wasn't a matter of intimidation though, even the smallest Mizugumo was at least twice the size of my Jorou spider form.

"_Tsume Andoryuu,"_ the captain spoke. "_The Spider Sage himself! Aren't you confident, coming to us in such a form?_"

When I was young, I marveled at how small dogs like chihuahuas would bark at big dogs or even humans that could sit on one and kill it. I thought they were either brave or stupid, not knowing just how small they were.

Now I know that small dogs are acutely aware of how tiny they are, and they bark all the louder for it.

If this seems a non-sequitur, know that the same often applies to people. And spiders.

I would have liked to frown, as this was likely a newly promoted captain. Eager to show off and swing his palpal bulbs around. Experienced officers were either more professional, or at least would wait until they knew they had you over a barrel before becoming assholes. This was unfortunate, but I could turn the other cheek for the mission.

"_I come as a Sage, not as a soldier,"_ I said calmly. "_I believe your orders are to bring me and my party to Mizutoushou?_"

The captain hissed, and ground his fangs together menacingly. I showed no reaction.

"_Do not presume to tell me what my orders are, Fish Killer! Frog Hunter!_"

Ringumo hissed angrily behind me. "_Don't you dare call him that, Soft-Shell!_"

The other Mizugumo troops hissed angrily back. I sighed, and focused my killing intent on the whole lot of them. I may not have had access to almost any of my jutsu, but I could still wield my chakra effectively. That gave them pause.

"_The war is over, captain,"_ I said calmly. "_And your leader recognizes me as the Sage, just as the other clans do. So, will you do your job, or __**not**__?"_

The captain hissed again, but his stance became less aggressive.

"_Follow_," he said. He backed away, and the other spiders fanned out in a circle. I looked back over at my students.

"Come on," I said in Common. Naruto looked suspicious, as did Sasuke. Sakura looked nervous, and Ringumo was livid.

"Come on!" I repeated. They shuffled out of the house, right into the center of the Mizugumo. Their defiance was good, as long as they didn't say anything.

"_You know the way, don't you Web Cutter?"_ Hissed the captain.

"_Yes, but by all means, lead on."_

The captain hissed again, and turned to scuttle off. Our escort followed, and we headed off.

"They really don't like you," Naruto whispered.

"What were they saying?" Sakura asked. "We're spiders but we don't understand the language..."

"Well of course you don't," Ringumo said. "Just turning into a spider isn't enough. And those jerks were-!"

"I overturned a superpower. They're understandably bitter. Let it go," I said.

Ringumo huffed. Naruto pestered her a little more as we ventured deeper into Mizugumo territory. We came out of the town and went along the road, the lamps of another bridge coming into view after about half an hour. Our escort said nothing, every one of them with a spear ready to let fly at the slightest wrong move.

It was a little funny, I suppose. Their cultural mindset made it clear that dangerous enemies were personally powerful. As in, giant spiders capable of burning down or wrecking their villages. That they considered me so dangerous when most of the damage I'd done to them was through the direction of guerilla warfare, well... What did they think I was going to do? Produce an army from my ass?

Well... given the Jorou Spiders' shapeshifting, that wasn't entirely impossible. And I'd done stranger things during the war.

••••••••••

The rest of the trip was boring. There wasn't much to talk about, and with all the Mizugumo constantly watching us, our enthusiasm for conversation died pretty quickly. Naruto took to making faces at the guards, but he wasn't very good at it. And while the captain was kind of an asshole, the other troops were very disciplined. They didn't react at all.

It was nightfall before we made it to a gigantic lake. A small group of female Mizugumo washed clothes in the distance, and the younger ones waved to the soldiers. The captain turned to us.

"It will be here soon. Do not move," he ordered. He turned and scuttled onto the water, soon vanishing into the mists.

"What'll be here?" Naruto asked.

"The diving bell," I replied. "Mizugumo have surface villages, but most of their communities are underwater."

"Oh. Wow, that's so neat!" Naruto said.

"Yeah, but they have to live in cold water, ugh," Ringumo said. "It's very unpleasant..."

The surface of the water parted, as a large shape began to rise. It was circular, and from the dim light still remaining filtering through the trees and fog, it was easy to tell it was built from massive amounts of silk.

Revealing it's form to be that of a giant sphere, Ringumo's eyes went big and shiny.

"Oooh~! Ball!"

I got the feeling my students would be rolling their eyes if they could. The diving bell's top opened, and the captain from before emerged.

"Come on, everyone in!" He shouted. I walked onto the water, using my chakra to keep myself afloat. I produced some silk and jumped up onto the side of the diving bell, and crawled up while laying the trail.

"You heard him, let's go," I called. Naruto came first, gripping onto the silk and pulling himself up onto the bell easily. Sasuke followed, heading up halfway before he jumped onto the bell. Naruto muttered "show off", and I fought a smile.

Sakura and Ringumo were last, both climbing up and reaching the top without any trouble. We crawled down into the interior of the diving bell, and settled in as the hatch on top closed. The vehicle shook, and we all felt ourselves begin to descend.

"Wow... Hey, how does it keep the water from coming through that hole in the floor?" Naruto asked, pointing to the center of the diving bell.

"Internal pressure, I think," Sakura said. "The air inside would have to go somewhere before the water could take its place, and unless we went really, really, deep, the air will keep the water from pressing in."

Naruto seemed to ponder that for a moment. "So since things can't be in the same place, the air would have to move, but it's trapped?"

"Yes."

"Oh… Why couldn't classes be that simple?" Naruto asked, looking around. "These guys must be pretty smart to build stuff like this then, huh?"

"Yes, they are," I said. The captain just continued to glare. Finally, the diving bell changed directions, moving sideways. It stopped again, before slowly, it began to rise.

"Ack... What the hell...?" Naruto asked.

"The diving bell must be on some kind of track, or a rope system," Sakura explained. "It goes down, then sideways, then it's pulled up into the city!"

Naruto looked at me for confirmation, and I nodded. Sasuke huffed. The water dropped down from the center of the diving bell, and there was a significant breeze flowing through the vehicle now, as well as a lot of light from below.

"Come on," the captain said, as he jumped down through the hole. I followed, landing easily on the floor. My students and Ringumo all followed, landing easily on their eight feet. I turned back just in time to see the expressions on their faces. It was well worth it.

"Wow..." Naruto murmured.

"No way," Sakura said.

Even Sasuke looked impressed.

"Oooh...!" Ringumo squealed, reminding me it was her first time here.

The city was composed of gigantic, mostly translucent spheres, all lit up internally with bioluminescent fungi. Bound together with silk and wood and rock, they formed a great double helix, which circled a central sphere like the rings around Saturn. You could see Mizugumo everywhere, of all shapes and sizes, going about their business in the vast metropolis.

"Welcome to Mizu-Kyo, kids," I said with a smile.

"You've been here before?" Naruto asked.

"Once or twice," I said guardedly, as the captain seethed. More guards greeted us, all of them carrying twin spears.

"_Mizutoushou-sama will see you now, Suzumebachi Andoryuu,_" the leader of these guards called.

"_Of course_," I said.

The captain gave us a final hiss, before he scuttled off.

"Oooh! The nerve of them calling you that! Suzumebachi indeed!" Ringumo hissed. "Web Cutter! Fish Killer! Oooh!"

"Suzumebachi is the official title they gave me, might as well let them use it," I told her.

"It's an insult!" Ringumo growled.

"It's a little more complicated than that, Ringumo," I said tiredly.

"Geez... Suzumebachi? Web Cutter? How many names did these guys give you?" Naruto asked.

Privately, I agreed. I was starting to know how Aragorn felt.

"Naruto!" Sakura admonished. Naruto gave the spider version of a shrug.

"What? I'm just asking... And why Suzumebachi, anyway?"

"What is the natural enemy of spiders, Naruto?" Sasuke, to my surprise, asked.

"Um... Wasps, why do you... Oh," Naruto mumbled.

"_What is the delay, Suzumebachi Andoryuu?"_

Seeing the tension of the guards, I moved forward.

"_My apologies, my young students are unfamiliar with your city and are a little shocked. By all means, let's not keep Mizutoushou-sama waiting._"

The guards, as with the spiders above, formed a circle around us. The leader took point, and when he moved, we moved. Through a long tube towards the central sphere.

The lair of Mizutoushou, Lord of the Water Spiders.

••••••••••

**Naruto**

••••••••••

This whole place was freaky, but also kind of cool too. I mean, a giant underwater city built out of silk? It's like knitting a floating city in the air out of yarn!

Well, I mean, kind of. Anyway! We were led to the giant central sphere (which made Ringumo giddy, I could just tell), in which everything abruptly changed. By that I mean that it was suddenly very, very bright, and wooden. Kind of like a giant dojo, actually, except spherical. It was also much better lit, though my eyes didn't really notice. I think Sakura might have said something about jumping spiders having really good eyes, but I'm not sure.

In the center of the giant wooden sphere was a fountain that seemed to be made out of stone, and it happily burbled away. Sensei stopped a good distance away from it, just as the guards did. We (Sakura, Ringumo, and Sasuke) stopped too. I didn't really get what we were waiting for, so I decided to ask.

"Why'd we stop?"

Sensei pointed one of his arms up at the fountain. "Just watch."

The fountain began to spew even more water, to the point it began to overflow. The water hit the floor and a large puddle began to form, expanding quickly. I thought that was really weird. What was the point of making their home wet? They certainly couldn't drown us like that.

The water, however, didn't just begin to flood the floor, but the air. By that I mean it began to rise into the air. Just like Sakura said it couldn't. If I were human, my jaw would wide enough to catch flies. The water continued to balloon and expand into a massive shape.

A massive shape that became distinctive when six giant eyes began glowing out of the mass of water, and eight giant legs formed. My spider instincts began to scream as a truly gigantic monster spider took form.

"G-giant spider! Biiig spider! Kaiju Spider!" Sasuke began to whimper. Sakura trembled and covered her eyes with her legs, cowering. I have to admit, I was shaking myself. The giant monster above us began to grow "organs" inside, everything visible through the transparent water. I felt really, really sick. The armor was the last thing to come in, growing in with giant barbs of hair with wicked jaws and claws.

"Holy shit! Ahhh!" I scr- er... shouted. "S-sensei, what the hell?"

Our Sensei, in comparison, just sat there, looking rather unimpressed somehow. He said something in that weird Spider language, and Ringumo helpfully translated.

"H-he said 'There is no need for such dramatics, Mizutoushou-sama'," Ringumo said, stuttering a bit. I guess the giant spider was freaky even by the locals' standards.

Mizutoushou said something back. His voice in Spider Tongue was really grating and frightening. It's kind of hard to describe. Closest I can get is a bunch of violins being played with files, watermelons being smashed, and the screams of children being fed through a wood chipper feet first. I was really tempted to just curl up in a ball.

"Um, Mizutoushou said he so rarely got guests, he wanted to show off," Ringumo translated. "And that Ando-kun should appreciate such theatrics."

"This about the war again?" I asked. Ringumo nodded.

"_Everything's_ about the war..." She sighed.

••••••••••

**Andoryuu**

••••••••••

Mizutoushou was not an unreasonable leader... well… not really. He had the perspective and sense of humor of an old man in his golden years, and despite being my enemy, he didn't hate me on a personal level. That was probably one of the only things that kept the war from going on longer.

But he certainly didn't actually like me, either.

"_You have come to discuss the current dispute, have you not, Suzumebachi Andoryuu?_" The giant spider asked.

"_Yes. The clan of the other summoner, under your protection, I replied. This is not allowed under the terms of the treaty._"

"_They are under the personal protection of one of our families. They took them in seeing as their territory was destroyed during the war. Kyodaigumo merely wishes to recover her strength in peace._"

So, it was Kidoumaru's summons. I knew it.

"_Nevertheless, unless she is under the Sage contract, I cannot permit this,_" I said.

"_Hmm._" Mizutoushou thought a moment. "_Can you not speak with the summoner?_"

"_No, I cannot. He is an enemy of my clan of clans,"_ I replied. The spiders had understood the idea of nations and city states for some time, but the old language had issues expressing some ideas. That, or I didn't know the language as well as I thought.

"_Then you seek to gain advantage over him?_"

I paused. "_Over his clan, yes,"_ I admitted.

"_Then your concern is for your clan alone?_" Mizutoushou pressed further. The old spider was hard to read.

"_My concern is for the peace, my clan, and Kyodaigumo's clan,_" I replied carefully. "_I have no desire to engage spiders in battle again. The master of her summoner is a deadly enemy who would not hesitate to sacrifice her or her summoner. Do you know of the Snake Summoner, Orochimaru?"_

Mizutoushou stared intently at me, the full weight of his intent falling on me. It wasn't killing intent exactly, more like his awareness. Judging me, testing me. I stood fast, focusing my chakra to bend, but not break in the power of his aura. My students struggled to stay standing behind me, but I couldn't blame them for it. The only reason I was managing it was because I'd been through it before, several times.

At last Mizutoushou pulled his aura back in, and he carefully scrutinized me.

"_He is known to me. Still, due to our laws and customs, a clan taken under our protection can only be turned over to another clan provided it can adequately defend it, Mizutoushou. In other words, Suzumebachi Andoryuu, you must prove yourself to the family in any way they deem fit."_

He was too old a hand at this to smirk, but I knew he wanted to.

"_I understand, Mizutoushou-sama. I wish to do that then."_

"_Good! I will allow you to travel to the home of the family in question, and have my guards guide you there. Should you succeed, you will be allowed to leave in peace."_

"_And should I fail?"_

Mizutoushou paused a beat, as if surprised by the question. "_Well, I don't know exactly what challenge they will present for you, but I suspect the long term results won't be of much concern to you should you fail_," Mizutoushou said with a dark chuckle. "_Unless you like your students. Send them home first perhaps?"_

I gave the spider version of a nod after a bit of thought. "_I understand."_

He switched to common suddenly, his voice booming. "**Good then. Now- Go! You have tarried long enough in our home.**"

I turned and scuttled out, my student following and our escorts all looking more relaxed.

"So, what, they just dragged us down here to tell you that?" Naruto asked. Ringumo had been translating for them, after all.

"Not exactly. There were other reasons," I explained.

"Like what?" Sakura asked.

"Bringing in their greatest enemy, and then sending him off as though he's nothing doesn't make Ando-kun look good, does it?" Ringumo asked.

"So, they basically did it to make themselves look good?" Naruto growled. "To impress everybody?"

"More or less," I said. "To save face. You and Sasuke bicker constantly because you both want to seem cooler than the other."

"I _am_ cooler than him!"

"Sp-spiders... Giant spiders. MEGA-spiders," Sasuke whispered.

Naruto looked at his teammate before rolling his eyes. "Man! If I had hands, I'd fix them, I'd fix them good," Naruto grumbled.

"Relax Naruto," I said flatly. "They're beaten. Allowing them to save some face is no crime... And it got us what we needed. Diplomacy's like that."

"Well... It still sucks," Naruto grumbled.

"Yes, I agree. But sometimes it's better to take the insults if it gets you what you want," I explained. "It's a good lesson for an aspiring Hokage."

That made Naruto become quiet and thoughtful, all the way back to the diving bell. Then again, so was everyone else, but it was more due to the situation. Naruto though... I'm not sure what I'd just done.

Then again, did I ever know what I was doing?

More often than you might think…

I looked around. A white object had appeared out of the corner of my eye, but had vanished the moment I'd tried to get a look at it.

"Sensei? You all right?" Sakura asked.

"… I'm fine," I said quietly. "Just… fine."

What... was that?

••••••••••

It was getting to be dusk, and I wanted to be in good shape for whatever was about to happen. We were a few miles outside our destination, and I called a halt for the day.

"Really? I'm not sure I want to sleep as a spider, let alone, um…" Sakura trailed off.

"We've been up for 20 hours other than that nap earlier," I explained.

"Really? I don't feel so tired," Naruto bounced up and down a bit.

"It might be because we got new bodies from the fuinjutsu," I shrugged. "Anyway, I have to face some sort of test, and if I fail, you all are stuck here."

"Good night sensei! Pleasant dreams!" Sakura shouted.

Sleeping as a spider is perfectly fine. You don't lie down though. Just sort of relax. Like a horse in a stall. And since we hadn't been eating anything in these bodies, Sakura didn't need to worry about… anything else.

••••••••••

They were called Tokougumo. "Far Spider". They were among the mightiest warriors of the Mizugumo, and among the most skilled. Their home was proof of these things.

Their fortress was built out of tree trunks, bent and arranged as a gigantic sphere suspended by spider silk from every angle. Below it lay a river, with tangled trunks poking out of it as they snaked through the earth. We had approached during the long night, and lanterns were lit all over, giving it a warm ambient glow, appearing almost like a huge paper lantern.

Then, they came. Down, down on web lines, giant warrior spiders descending to the earth like crows to a funeral.

Oh yes, that's just what I need, melodramatic metaphors...

Their eyes seemed to glow red and orange thanks to the torches of their home. The largest one, a nasty thing four times as big as my spider form, landed last. He was clad in chainmail that glittered in the light, and sharp blue plates covered his legs. One of his eyes was missing, but he had so many it was hard to tell.

"_At last. Suzumebachi, we meet,_" this gigantic spider spoke. His "voice" was composed of harsh, low growls and groans, as well as intimidating hisses. I made no movement. Inside, of course, I was frankly terrified.

"_Hanateregumo, I have returned. I have come for the Kyodaigumo Clan! As Spider Sage, it is in my rights to have them as part of my summoning scroll!_"

"_You dare to speak of your rights in our land, Web Cutter? Brood Culler?"_ Hanateregumo mocked. "_You've already refused the rite of combat before! You have no honor to bargain with!"_

Ringumo bristled up, indignant, but I held up a leg to calm her. I looked over at my students, and back at Hanateregumo.

Welp, this doesn't look avoidable. It's all part of the plan.

I hope.

"_Very well. I'll gain some honor then... By defeating you in single combat,_" I called out.

Silence. Then, laughter. Not just one, or several, but every single one of my enemies laughed, knowing I was committing myself to death.

They at least understood I was a tactician at heart. These were warriors.

The laughter of spiders is not really a pleasant sound to a human. Mizugumo are so large, it's even worse. Imagine a whirlwind picked up 100 pounds of silverware and flung it down a stairwell, along with a dozen angry cats. That doesn't sound anything like spider laughter, but it's about as pleasant.

"_You would fight me in such a form?"_ Hanateregumo asked.

"_I wouldn't want to make it unfair,_" I challenged back.

Hanateregumo laughed again. "_SO BE IT! We will duel tonight, under the lanterns of Toi! Here will you meet your end, Suzumebachi! Like a real warrior!"_

"_Well, it's definitely something to look forward to,"_ I returned. I turned to my students as the Spider Lord's guards and the Tokougumo warriors warily eyed each other. Given how many eyes they had, that was a lot of looking.

Sorry, that was terrible.

I'm not sorry.

"So, you're going to be fighting him? Is that it?" Sakura broke.

I shrugged in a spidery way. "Looks like."

"You're going to get killed, Sensei! Did you hit your head or something?" The pink spider cried.

"It's what he has to do to win their respect," Sasuke said quietly. "This must be important, or you wouldn't be doing it."

I nodded. Naruto stared back and forth between us for a long time, before he shook his head.

"Sensei... this is really stupid."

I quirked an eyebrow. Naruto growled.

"It is! We're ninja, not samurai! You don't have to fight him! Let us find another way! A trick, a trap… something!"

"Sometimes-" I explained, "not very often, but sometimes, a ninja must be a samurai. Try not to let it happen to you."

Naruto frowned again. "That's stupid too!"

I nodded. "So we find a way for me to look like a samurai, but fight like a ninja. It's not going to be easy." I looked between them all. "There's something bigger going on here. I'm not totally sure what, but you need to be ready to act when the time comes."

"Act? Act on what?" Naruto asked irritably.

"When it happens, I suspect it won't be subtle," I said. I looked over at Ringumo. "You've been very quiet, Gumo-chan."

The spider's eyes filled with tears, and she pounced on me.

"Ack!"

"PLEASE DON'T FIGHT, ANDORYU! I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU DIE!" She wailed. The guards around us were momentarily united in their disbelief and disgust at Ringumo wailing. I awkwardly patted her on the head with two of my legs.

"There there Gumo-chan. I've got a plan," I said.

Ringumo's crying continued, but she did it in spider. In human language, she asked:

"What kind of plan?"

"Well... I'm not really sure just yet. But when it's done, it'll be really, really clever."

I hoped.


	10. Chapter 10

**Naruto**

••••••••••

"Sure this will work?" I asked Sensei as Ringumo finished tying a bundle of sticks to Andoryu's back. We were standing around on a large branch several meters away from the Tokougumo group. That asshole Hanateregumo was flexing his legs and stretching dramatically as his fellow spiders clicked and whistled and stomped their feet on the tangle of branches surrounding the battle arena.

"Nope!" Andoryuu replied.

Sakura sighed heavily. "Still going to do it?"

"Don't have a lot of choice," Andoryuu admitted. "I made the challenge. To back out now would be dishonorable. And I need to do it to get my mission complete. This is a lesson. You will have to put your lives on the line regularly in the future."

"You still haven't explained exactly why this other spider clan is so important," Sakura pointed out irritably. "Maybe if we knew, we wouldn't think you were stupid."

"Ha! There!" Ringumo said with a spider smile, finishing her web work. "All set!"

"Good," Sensei replied. He scuttled out of her reach and looked at all of us. "The thing is, this clan is operating under a summoner from Orochimaru's village."

"Orochimaru?" I asked, confused. "Who is that?"

"A dangerous S-class ninja, extremely powerful, who betrayed Konoha and would like nothing more than to destroy it," Sensei replied. "If I can deprive him of a powerful weapon, then it's a gain to us."

"Ohhh... so why don't you just beat up the summoner?" I asked. That seemed a lot better than fighting a spider monster. My sensei chuckled as Sakura scowled.

"Because that's stupid! He's the Spider Summoner. He needs to do this with them!"

"Keep his own house in order," Sasuke said quietly.

Sensei shrugged. "You're not wrong. Also, I don't have access to the other summoner. Unless you think going into an enemy led country and trying to neutralize them on their home turf without any official support is a smarter strategy? Oh, and first I'd have to find them."

I frowned, before giving up. "Guess not." This was still a bad idea.

"That's another thing you'll learn on the path to becoming Hokage," Andoryuu said as he turned and hopped down to a branch. "If you survive." He blinked his eight eyes in rapid succession, before hopping away.

"DON'T DIE ANDORYUUU!" Ringumo wailed. She clutched onto Sasuke and he froze as she bawled like a baby. Sakura and I moved away, leaving Sasuke to cringe.

You'd think such a 'tough guy' would get over the spider thing. I bet he'd be fine with it if she were in human form.

... Especially since she was still using genjutsu instead of clothing.

••••••••••

**Andoryuu**

••••••••••

Hanateregumo was huge, and even without his armor he was more than a match for me. His massive fangs glistened in the lamp light above, and his fangs already had a slow trickle of venom dripping off.

He sat perched on one of the numerous twisting branches that circled above the water, as did I. This was their "battleground", a maze of giant tree roots and branches all seemingly woven into a stadium-sized basket. I focused on remaining calm even as his comrades bayed for blood.

"_Let the trial begin!_" Shouted one of the older spiders in the audience, and other spiders began beating on silk woven drums.

"_Suzumebachi Andoryuu! You will die by my fangs!_" Hanateregumo roared, and he sprang, crossing the short distance between us in a matter of seconds. Had I stayed motionless, his great fangs would have pierced through me, and with a swing of his body he would have torn me in half.

Obviously, I was not in the mood to be ripped into pieces, so I did what any smart spider does: I dropped down, using my webbing as a safety rope.

Hanateregumo slammed into the branch above me with a loud crash, as I descended down. I reached back and pulled two sticks from my back, and with a bit of Ringumo's webbing tied them together. I did the same to another stick, and another until I had a long pole which I slammed down against a branch and pushed on, hard, to aid my undulating body in a swing. Hanateregumo roared above me, and swung down to snap my safety thread with his jaws.

However, it was too late. My improvised pole vaulting pole let me jump to another branch, which I scuttled up quickly. Hanateregumo growled.

"_Come back here!_" He snarled, and he jumped again, hoping to land on the branch I was on and dislodge me with the force of his landing. Well, I certainly fell, but my pole let me vault to yet another branch. The great spider hissed and the drumming above grew faster. I jumped down and tied a web line around a rock, which I tossed into the water.

"Okay, okay, he's angry. Good," I thought. Kind of. I proceeded to the next step of my plan. I vaulted to another branch, once more avoiding Hanateregumo's body blow. And another, and another, and another leading the huge warrior on a merry chase.

Well, not a merry chase. I was definitely not enjoying the smell of his venom and digestive juices, or the drums, or Ringumo and Sakura's gasps. Each time, I let out some more webbing, tied it to a rock and threw it into the water.

"_Is your plan to run me down, Web Cutter?_" Hanateregumo snarled. "_You cannot outfight _or _outlast me!_"

"_You're probably right,_" I replied with forced calm. "_So why don't you come and catch me?_" I was back on the branch I'd started from, spinning my spinnerets fast into a quick, crude sheath for my abdomen. Hanateregumo roared and leaped again, angling his body so that he could grab me in his eight great legs. The only alternative to being caught was falling into the water...

So I did, curling into a ball so I would break the water tension.

*SPLOOSH*

The sheath around my abdomen would give me a few minutes of air. Hopefully, it would be all I needed. I looked around and spotted one of the rocks with webbing tied around it on the sandy bottom, nearby a large root. I swam down and hid myself underneath the root, clutching to the bottom in the shadows.

A massive disruption in the water above signaled Hanateregumo's entry into the water. He swam with confidence, secure that in this, his domain, he was king. After all, I was just a little web spinner confronting a bonafide Mizugumo. What chance did I have?

I closed my eyes to better focus on the vibrations, and slowed my breathing. The great spider swam down, deeper, closer to where I lay in wait.

Come on... Come on...

Closer... Closer...

I'm going to need air eventually Dammit! Come on, come on!

I felt his great leg smash down near my hiding spot. I opened my eyes and focused on the blurry image of that great limb before springing into action.

I sprang out, grabbed the rock, and used the webbing on it to tie it tightly around his leg. I then swam away and threw the rock up out of the water, and climbed for it. Hanateregumo roared under the water and tried to follow me, but once out of the water I grabbed the rock, swung it around a branch, and tied it. Hanateregumo broke free of the water and bellowed. He fired a blast of water at me, grazing me and sending me falling back into the lake.

But my sheath gave me a short bit of air, which I used to swim for my life to another branch as Hanateregumo stirred up the water violently.

I climbed back out and recovered my pole where I'd left it. As fast as I could I leaped over to another branch as Hanateregumo surfaced.

"_Hey three legs! I would have been your father, but the wasp in line behind me had exact change!_" I taunted. The great Mizugumo roared and fired off another water jutsu at me, severing one of my legs off and flinging it through the air. Hissing at the pain, I nevertheless jumped down back into the water.

The chill of the water made it hurt even worse down here, but I was too far into the plan now. I could feel him straining against the noose I'd set up for him. It was only a matter of time before he figured out how to free himself.

Working quickly, I located another rock in the water. I swam up and scurried out of the water over the branches to another, and jumped back in just as Hanateregumo cut through the web line. He swam towards me, and was nearly upon me when I reached the second rock. His great fangs descended upon me, faster than I had anticipated, and with no other way out I held up the rocks and prayed for the best.

His fangs impacted the rocks, driving me into the soil. I clutched my body together as tightly as possible, holding my breath. I didn't know how much air I had left, but if I breathed in only water now I was a goner.

Damn... Damn...! He pulled back at last, in preparation for another strike. My body screamed for air but I had no choice, I had to do something. So, with the pressure lessened, I reached up and tied the rocks around his fangs. I then leaped up onto his face and threw the rocks out of the water, hoping they'd get stuck somewhere long enough for me to get some air.

I sprang up as the enraged monster spider rose. I swam to the nearest branch and scuttled up as fast as my exhausted body could. Hanateregumo roared and I felt almost certain he would crush me, but his movements became one of frustration. I looked up and would have smiled if I had either the energy, or the mouth for it. Both rocks had become tangled in some branches.

"_GAH! You little-! I will DRAIN YOU DRY!_" Snarled Hanateregumo. I took an extra second to catch my breath, before jumping across the branches back to my pole. Taking a running start, I leapt out and slammed the sharpened end of my pole right between his head and his great fat abdomen. That's the pedicel for those of you with an interest in arachnid physiology.

On a smaller spider, that would be a killing blow. There's a reason the Mizugumo nearly conquered the spider plane.

"_AARRRRGGGGHHHHH!_" He bellowed, thrashing far more violently now. I swung back and forth on the pole, driving it in deeper in the gap between his exoskeletal plates.

I stopped when I was sure I was close to something vital, and looked down at him.

"_There is no need for you to die, Hanateregumo,_" I spoke clearly. "_You have fought well. There is no dishonor in saving your life now. Declare me the victor and I will treat your clan with the honor it deserves._"

The Mizugumo were usually suckers for that big, dramatic sparing the life of your opponent thing. It was not something they often did, but tradition and personal interest had a habit of getting mixed together.

Hanateregumo snarled, all of his eyes looking up at me. "_Suzumebachi! You will never understand honor!_" He looked up at the assorted Mizugumo.

"_COMRADES! Kill him!_"

I looked over at the Mizugumo watching. Many of them held up spears or spider bows with arrows pointed right at me. And all of them let loose with their weapons.

"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Naruto bellowed as the barrage flew for me. I tried to jump out of the way, avoiding most of them, but a single spear lanced right through my own pedicel. The pain burned through me like fire, and I slammed into the branch I was trying to reach. Stunned, I fell into the water below.

Well... crap. A quote from a particular episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation floated through my consciousness as my vision began to leave me. I heard it in all his glorious British theater diction and accent too.

"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life."

Well... no offense Captain Picard, but staring in the face of a Kobayashi Maru, I think I always liked Kirk more.

Is it dark down here, or is it just me?

••••••••••

**Sasuke**

••••••••••

Well, crap- as our sensei might say.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! WAAAAHHHHH!" Ringumo bawled. She began shrieking in the Spider Tongue at the other Mizugumo. Sakura was frozen stiff.

And Naruto was, uh...

"You... YOU!" Naruto snarled, and my chakra senses began to scream at something horrific coming from him. His eyes turned red, all eight of them, and the air turned red and hot around him. He shuddered and shook, and on his belly something shined-But I couldn't see what it was.

All I knew was that my instincts, both spider and human, were screaming to get away from Naruto as his aura exploded with power. As it did, his features began to shift-It took a moment to realize he was turning back into a human.

Well... Mostly. Four spider legs still stuck out of his back, and his mouth bore two large fangs as he leaped across the great divide between us and Hanateregumo. The giant spider had pulled the pole out of his back, just in time for Naruto to slam into his back and drive him into another branch.

"N-naruto! Wha-?" Sakura tried, but she was soon distracted by me shoving her out of the way of a spear.

"RINGUMO! We need to get back into human form, now!" I shouted. Ringumo was still bawling, crying great big tears from all eight eyes. "RINGUMO!"

"RINGUMO!" Sakura bellowed, surprising me. She scuttled over to Ringumo and smacked her across the mouth parts. The little Jorou spider snapped out of it, and blinked. "How do we turn back into humans?"

"W-well, I'm not sure-"

"NARUTO just did! Mostly!" Sakura pointed out. Naruto was even now furiously attacking Hanateregumo, leaping around and punching and kicking him in the eyes, belly and any other vulnerable looking spot. It looked like the huge spider was being burnt slightly somehow as well. Ringumo tapped her legs nervously on the ground.

"Well, um, Mommy did teach me a way to break a transformation lock... But I'm not sure if it will work the whole way!"

"Better than nothing! DO IT!" Sakura ordered, as more arrows and spears were lobbed our way. Ringumo's chakra flared frantically, and she extended her forward arms. She hit Sakura first, then myself. A Mizgumo warrior chose that moment to land on our branch and lunge for us.

"AHH!" Sakura cried, falling off the branch with Ringumo falling with her. I managed to throw myself to the side as I felt the transformation began. Unlike the orderly, easy morph of before though, different parts of me changed at different times. My forward legs turned into arms, my abdomen became my bottom even as my hair exploded out of the top of my head with all eight eyes.

The Mizugumo warrior turned and snarled, his chakra shaping itself for a water attack. Despite only being partially done, I clumsily pushed my fingers together and formed handseals.

"Katon! Goukakyuu no jutsu!" I bellowed as I unleashed a fire blast into the face of the spider. It screamed and fell off the branch. Three more stayed behind, prepping spears and arrows. I stood up, almost totally human again aside from the spider legs jutting out of my back. I gave all three a feral grin.

"Come on," I challenged. "Let's see what you've got!"

••••••••••

**Naruto**

••••••••••

Seeing the spiders just... _attack_ Sensei like that, just kill him. Without warning, without justification... It made me angry. So very, _very_ **angry**.

My spider instincts merged with my own, and the anger filled every part of my body. I didn't care about anything other than making that big, fat bastard Hanateregumo pay. Pay for killing my sensei who was willing to let him live.

I leaped clear across the divide, my chakra flaring all around me. I brought up my fist (where'd that come from?) and brought it down hard on the top of Hanateregumo's head.

"ARGH!" He bellowed. He spat something at me in the spider tongue but I didn't care.

Hurt-him-_hurt-him_-HURT-HIM!

He swung for me with one of his huge arms, and I jumped up to wrap my arms and legs around it. I dug my fingers into the tough, hairy appendage and roared as I twisted my body. A satisfying snap filled the air and Hanateregumo roared in pain. He swung his broken leg around, trying to smash me but I leaped away. I kicked back off a branch and flew back towards his eyes, and my fists and legs slammed into them, gouging quick and furious.

He screamed in pain, and something inside me roared in approval. I raked my fingers over more eyes like they were claws, and I drew great spurts of clear, watery blood that covered my jumpsuit.

Hurt him hurt him HURT HIM HURT HIM...!

I leaped up and found the wound Sensei had inflicted on him. I drove my fist down into it, and then a leg, and then another leg, and I kept hitting and punching and kicking and stomping and ripping at it, all just to make the monster roar in agony.

He bucked violently and threw me off. I fell for the water and hit it with a hard splash. Gritting my teeth I tried to get my bearings, but the water began to swirl around me! Hanateregumo loomed overhead, a huge shadow over the water!

I was shot to the surface like a bit of meat I tried pressing to the bottom of a ramen bowl once. Up, up, right into the jaws of Hanateregumo!

"GAH!" I bellowed as his fang sliced over my leg. I grabbed onto the fang and with a flare of my chakra I tore it off.

"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!" Hanateregumo roared. I fell back into the water, and swam desperately, avoiding the massive spider's large legs trying to crush me. Looking up, I could see his belly.

HURT HIM! Roared the voice within, and with a flare of my chakra I shot back up, the fang held above me. I don't know what I hit, but I knew it was definitely his weak spot.

Just like Sensei always said: Attack the weak point for massive damage...

••••••••••

**Sakura**

••••••••••

I didn't have time to reflect on the fact I now had spider legs sticking out of my back. I was a little too busy using them to awkwardly run across the surface of the water for my life as arrows and spears landed all around me.

Ringumo managed to find shelter behind a rock protruding out of the water, and I joined her. Arrows and spears whizzed around us and bounced off the rock. I winced as a particularly big one struck right above us with a loud crack.

"We need to save Andoryu! We need to save Andoryu!" Ringumo said in a panic.

"I know, I know!" I shouted back, trying desperately to stay calm. Sasuke was fighting off Mizugumo high above us, but the flashes of fire and spider screams indicated he was holding his own. Naruto, with that monstrous red chakra of his, was fighting off Hanateregumo himself by the roars and screams but I had no idea if he was winning, there was too much chakra being exchanged. And far in the distance I could spot the exact place Sensei fell.

I bit my lower lip, then froze. My chakra senses picked up something big moving under the water. I focused intently, trying to get an idea of what it might be...

A fin breached the surface some distance away, and I realized it was a fish. A very, very big fish.

A very big fish headed right for where Sensei lay.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no," I groaned. I looked over at Ringumo. "Can you distract them?"

Ringumo nodded. "I can!"

"Okay... One... Two... THREE!" I shouted as I ran across the water.

"What happens at three-OH!" Ringumo shouted behind me. "HEY! HEYYYY! OVER HERE! COME ON WASP FANS, COME ON, HIT ME! OOH, TOO SLOW!"

I mentally frowned at Ringumo's ineptness. Why did sensei bring a kid around with him all the time anyway?

I bounded over the water, using chakra in my human feet to try and speed up my spider legs. It was confusing, disorienting. I don't know how I didn't just fall in several times. Somehow though, I was able to get over where Sensei fell, and my chakra senses indicated he was still alive. Barely.

The fish was closing in. I took a deep breath, and let my spider legs relax. I splashed down and kicked my feet hard, thankful for the spider silk clothing I wore. It wasn't weighing me down as much as cotton or wool would.

Where are you Sensei? Come on! Aha!

I managed to see his small form below, legs swaying gently in the current. I felt relieved, he hadn't begun to curl up like a dead spider. I wrapped my spider legs around him, and braced my feet against the bottom to kick us up to the surface.

Unfortunately, that was when the fish tried to swallow us.

"MURGLE!" I shouted in shock as a big fleshy mouth closed around us. I could see the throat, see it undulating, just desperate to get us down into it's gullet. I spread my spider legs to brace myself against it's throat, but Sensei began to slip down. I grabbed onto one of his legs and grit my teeth, holding him up. But with my air diminishing, I was feeling weaker and weaker. I was fighting the reflex to breath in, try to relieve my need for oxygen but if I did that...

REFLEX! A part of me shouted, and realization filled my mind.

I brought my legs around Sensei's body and held on for dear life. I ran through the handseals for the Raiton jutsu sensei taught us for charging batteries, and when my hand was charged I slammed it up into the roof of the monster fish's mouth.

It choked and shuddered. I did it again, with as much chakra as I could muster! The fish seemed to shriek around us, and a mass of gunk shot up from the throat. The fish's mouth opened, and we were both shot out into the water. With energy born from panic, I swam up, and up!

I could see the surface getting closer as my lungs screamed for air...

"HWAH!" My head finally broke the surface. Pulling Sensei up, I swam with my various and assorted appendages until we reached the branch. I pushed his body up out of the water, and clambered after him, coughing violently.

"Haff... Couaff...!" I shook and shuddered at the fish puke covering me. "Ugh...!" I shook my head and focused back on Andoryu-sensei. His chakra was fading fast, we were both cold and air deprived, and the only medical jutsu I knew was simple and unrefined.

"... Screw it," I decided. There was only one way to go. All in. I slammed both palms into Sensei's head and focused all my healing chakra into him.

••••••••••

**Sasuke**

••••••••••

I was moving faster than I ever had before. Dodging slung rocks, arrows, spears. All of it so easily!

I couldn't understand it. Were they really this slow? Or was I that fast?

I didn't know, and I didn't care. All I knew was that the whole of the spider clan seemed to be trying to kill Sakura, Ringumo and Naruto. I couldn't let that happen.

I shot forward between two spider archers, a kunai in each hand, and slashed across their flanks. When their brother threw a spear at me, I leaped up, allowing it to pierce the side of one of the archers. Two smaller Mizugumo attacked me from both sides, their fangs enclosed in metal blades and their pedipalps packing steel piercing points.

... Damn Sakura for her love of alliteration. It's clearly contagious.

Both of them moved together flawlessly, like one was a reflection of the other. They slashed, thrust, and bit at me from both sides, their bloodlust obvious. I flowed through every attack, swimming- no, dancing- between each deadly invasion of space, deflecting, parrying and dodging their blows as we fought along a huge branch. All the while, stones and arrows were slung our way, occasionally bouncing off my opponents armor as they went wide of their mark.

It was insane! It was a rush! But I was going to be overwhelmed, I could see it, sense it!

I leaped up high, even higher than I usually could, and locked my spider legs onto the branch above. I slipped my kunai into my wrist bands and ran through handseals.

"Katon: Hōsenka no Jutsu!" I bellowed, directing my fire blasts precisely to hit every spider I could see as they jumped for me. I let go of the branch and dropped down, throwing kunai into the ones that had dodged the fire.

I landed on an arch-shaped root, panting for breath. I looked around and saw that all of the Mizugumo were pulling back, regrouping. I took a moment to look down into the water as I panted, my body thirsty for oxygen.

I smiled as red eyes gazed back at me from my reflection. Yes... Yes!

"ARRRRRRR!" Shrieked Hanateregumo, and I looked over to see him be thrown through a branch and slam into the truck of a nearby tree. Naruto bounded after him, red chakra flaring around him like a flame. Hanateregumo, as badly injured as he looked, sat up and shuddered, glaring his defiance.

He bellowed what sounded like a threat, to which Naruto responded with a roar of his own.

"YOU KILLED SENSEI! I'LL KILL YOU!"

My eyes widened as I saw the great spider's chakra flare. He was putting his all into a final jutsu. Something big and powerful.

"NARUTO! NO!" I shouted. But the idiot didn't heed me. He just plunged ahead like a comet for Hanateregumo. The Mizugumo raised his forward legs up, and the water rose around him. It swirled in mid air into a sphere, before, with a sonic boom, it exploded outward in one direction: straight for Naruto.

It connected, and I resisted the urge to shut my eyes. Fortunately as it turned out, as I saw something... Impossible.

Naruto's aura _stopped_ the blast of water. He struggled against it, floating in mid air, his aura flaring even more brightly. With a mighty roar, Naruto threw up his arms and the massive cylinder of water stretching between the two vaporized into steam. However, as Sakura could probably tell you (and would, given half a chance), steam is a lot less dense than water.

If I had ever needed a practical lesson that explosions don't require fire, I learned it today.

A massive explosion of wind and steam and air rushed through the area, picking up Naruto and Hanateregumo and flinging them away. Naruto slammed into the water at an angle, leaving a huge splash as Hanateregumo was slammed back into the tree trunk.

"NARUTO!" I shouted. I was tired, almost dead tired, but I pushed that out of my mind as I ran for where Naruto had splashed down. I dove in and swam down, seeing him floating with his eyes wide open. He reached up and grabbed my hand. Swimming hard, I managed to get us both to the surface.

"Pfft...! Haa," he gasped as we got up to a nearby branch. I took a few deep breaths myself, staring at him.

"Naruto... What the hell was that?" I asked flatly. Naruto lowered his eyes, and sighed.

"... Doesn't matter. Sensei's dead," he said in a flat tone. I opened my mouth, unsure of what to say... Before the entire area began to rumble.

"H-Huh?" Naruto cried. "What the hell now?"

I looked over my shoulder and my eyes widened. "LOOK!"

Out of the water rose a familiar, terrible form. Mizutoushou himself, water falling from his body like waterfalls.

I tensed up. Naruto did too. We looked at each other and nodded. We pulled ourselves out of the water. He assumed combat stances, each of us ready to fight to the death if we had to.

Mizutoushou looked around slowly, his every movement deliberate and terrifying. He looked down upon us with his mighty gaze. I trembled, but didn't move. Naruto growled next to me. I tightened my grip on my kunai, even though it felt like a useless toy against such a monster.

Then... The monster spoke.

"YOU WOULD FIGHT ME?" He asked in common.

"YEAH!" Naruto shouted back defiantly. "I'd fight you, and WIN!"

I nodded my assent.

Mizutoushou then made a horrific sound, one that took my battle addled brain a few moments to recognize. The laughter of a spider.

"MOST AMUSING. MOST COURAGEOUS," he spoke. He turned to Hanateregumo, who was lying against the tree trunk, badly burned and twitching.

"Mizutoushou-sama... Please..." He gasped.

"YOU BROKE THE CODE OF HONOR," Mizutoushou said gravely. "YOU ATTEMPTED TO STRIKE DOWN THE SAGE WHEN HE NOT ONLY BESTED YOU, BUT OFFERED TO SPARE YOUR LIFE. YOU AND YOUR FAMILY HAVE ACTED DISHONORABLY..."

"But... but they are humans! Outsiders! He is the Suzumebachi!" Hanateregumo begged. Mizutoushou raised up his leg.

"NONE OF THAT CHANGES OUR HONOR, HANATEREGUMO," Mizutoushou spoke. "FOR THIS DISHONOR... THERE IS ONLY ONE RECOURSE TO SPARE YOUR FAMILY."

Hanateregumo got to his seven remaining legs unsteadily. He bowed, even though it looked like it hurt like hell.

"Yes... Mizutoushou-sama..."

"NOW GO. TAKE YOUR PEOPLE INTO YOUR HOME. TEND TO THEM," Mizutoushou ordered. Hanateregumo scuttled away, almost limping, as he and the rest of his people followed him to Toi, which shined above.

Mizutoushou turned back to us. Naruto scowled.

"Hey! HEY! What's going to happen to him?"

"HE WILL PERISH BY HIS OWN FANG," Mizutoushou replied. "AFTER COMPOSING A POEM."

"Seppuku," I murmured. Naruto looked disgusted.

"FOR THE MOMENT, WORRY NOT ABOUT HIM," Mizutoushou said. "CONCERN YOURSELVES WITH YOUR MENTOR. HE YET LIVES."

••••••••••

**Andoryu**

••••••••••

I saw a flash of white, and for a moment I started to expect my dead relatives to be reaching out for me next. But the white turned out not to be heaven, but instead a familiar cloaked form.

"Oh Andoryuu. You always did have a habit of getting into trouble," she spoke, her voice echoing in the strange black void we were in.

_We all did_, I thought back.

"True. I had hoped you'd have gotten over the habit by now though."

_Are you here to taunt me or... Oh God... I'm actually dead this time aren't I? You're here to guide me to the afterlife. Please tell me I'm not going to hell at least!_

I'm not even religious, but excuse me for panicking slightly. I blame my lack of blood oxygen. Though, having been sent to a new dimension somehow, and traveling back and forth to a third with magic, maybe I should re-evaluate a few of my assumptions…

The girl smiled and shook her head. "Not quite... Not yet."

_Then what are we doing here?_ I asked.

"Just taking the opportunity to say hi… It gets so boring. And letting you know you'll be seeing me again real soon with any luck. Now," with a kiss to my forehead, "wake up."

"PFFFGAAAHHH!" I threw up, and trembled all over. "Ugh...!" I raised by arms up to my face and stared. Five fingered, pink digits. I ran them down by body, shocked that I was back in human form.

Though more shocked that I was alive at all.

"Sensei!" Sakura sobbed, wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me. "Sensei! You're all right!"

"Ahhh... Y-Yeah," I coughed.

"ANDORYUUUU!" Cried another voice. I winced.

"Oh no-UNGH!"

Ringumo, now in human form as well, glomped me hard enough to make me hear my ribs creak.

"You'realiveyou'realiveyou'realiveyou'realive!"

"Y-Yes, yes... Now...!" I gasped out. Ringumo was prodded into releasing me by Sakura, and Naruto and Sasuke soon entered my field of vision.

"So... Um... What happened?" I asked.

"Nothing much," Jorougumo's voice said. I looked over to see her in her preferred human form, sitting atop a branch with a smile. Behind her loomed the massive form of Mizutoushou, staring down like a mountain god.

"I... oof, doubt that. Someone... want to explain things to me?" I asked.

"I beat up Hanateregumo!" Naruto said with a grin. "And Sakura-chan saved you with Ringumo, while Sasuke fought off some of the mooks-"

"All of the mooks," Sasuke interjected. "Single handedly."

Naruto continued without losing steam, "Then Mizutoushou showed up, then Jourougumo appeared and made us all human again... Then you woke up!" He paused with a frown, and crossed his arms over his chest. "But I'm still confused!"

"That makes two of us," I said evenly. I looked at Jorougumo, a terrible suspicion entering my mind. "Jorougumo-sama..."

Jorougumo smiled apologetically. "My apologies, Ando-kun, but... the deal was made before you ever arrived."

"... What are you talking about?" Sasuke asked in a flat tone.

"HANATEREGUMO HAS BEEN THREATENING THE PEACE TREATY AND MY POSITION FOR QUITE SOME TIME," Mizutoushou explained. "HE HAS BEEN AMASSING MANY FOLLOWERS, WITH THE INTENT TO OVERTHROW ME AND RESUME THE WAR."

"So, I offered him a deal," Jorougumo said. "Allow the Spider Sage to intervene and take care of Hanateregumo... And maintain the peace treaty. Everyone wins."

"... You mean... This was a set up? From the start?" Sakura asked, shocked. "All of it?"

"Not really," Jorougumo said. "Hanateregumo could have accepted defeat. It would diminish his standing while taking away several of his followers."

"THIS THOUGH IS A FAR BETTER OUTCOME," Mizutoushou stated. "HE IS NOW REMOVED AS A THREAT FOREVER, DUE TO HIS BREAKING OUR CODE OF HONOR. HIS ENTIRE FAMILY IS NOW DISGRACED."

"Not him... You set us up! Used us!" Naruto snarled. "You used ALL of us!"

Mizutoushou snorted, wind rushing by, blowing our hair back. "YOU ARE YOUNG. THIS IS YOUR JOB. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE IT, BECOME A COOK, OR A BUILDER."

"One of the Spider Sage's duties is to preserve the peace of our world," Jorougumo said. She looked over at me with a little smile. "And as he is of my clan, I am happy to help him excel," she nodded at me.

I stood up, very, very slowly. Sakura's chakra boosts had gotten my own moving again, and my strength, though diminished, was still enough for me to stand.

"Yes... You helped me," I said quietly. I looked right in Jorougumo's eyes. "But you also lost something in the same action."

"What would that be?" Jorougumo asked.

"... My trust," I said. Jorougumo looked pained, and I admit I felt satisfaction at it. "I know my place in the world, and I'm at peace with it. But there was no need for secrecy. I would have done it willingly, and it would have gone better had I been fully informed. I'm afraid it will take a while for me to bring myself to trust you again fully, Jorougumo-sama."

"... I see," she spoke in a soft whisper. I looked up at Mizutoushou.

"Hanateregumo's family will be taken care of and allowed to keep their lands," I stated.

"YOU WOULD RISK WAR FOR THE SAKE OF ONE WHO BETRAYED YOU?" Mizutoushou asked.

"I would risk war for the sake of the innocent," I said flatly. "His seppuku will absolve his family of his dishonor... That is the Code's law, is it not?"

The great spider laughed again. "YES... SO IT IS." He began to sink back into the water. "PERHAPS IT IS WELL YOU REPLACED YOUR SENSEI. FARE THEE WELL, SPIDER SAGE TSUME."

And then he was gone. Jorougumo frowned, and looked over at Ringumo.

"Ringumo... Feel free to stay with Ando-kun as long as you wish," she said. Ringumo huffed, and turned her nose up at her mother. Jorougumo nodded before blowing a kiss to me.

"Until next time, Ando-kun," she said. I nodded respectfully, and Jorougumo-sama vanished in a flash of light and silk.

"Great... Our first big mission and it was all a set up," Naruto grumbled, sitting down. He slammed his fist into his palm. "I want to beat them all up!"

"Good," I said with a smile. "It's the right way to feel about these things... Even if sometimes, they are necessary."

"Do you believe this was necessary, Sensei?" Sakura asked.

"Very. They weren't wrong. This is what it means to be ninja. I hope you learn many lessons from this. You will be used by your superiors. You will be used by your enemies. Also remember that your superiors aren't perfect. They _should_ have explained things. As the Sage, I have to keep the peace. It's my job," I said, with a tired sigh that had nothing to do with my physical exhaustion. I shook my head. "Hanateregumo broke the code of Honor, he must pay for it. But his family shouldn't have to."

I looked over at Sasuke. "Besides... This wasn't a total waste, right?"

The Uchiha heir smiled, just a little, before his face returned to a scowl.

"Can we go home now, Sensei?" Sakura asked with a slight pleading tone in her voice. I felt much the same, and nodded.

"I'm beat. We all are. Let me get some help."

I summoned Fandangumo, from back at the zip line.

"Oh, hey Andoryuu! How did things- oh. You don't look so good!"

"We won. But it wasn't easy."

"Apparently. Sorry. Well, what can I do for you?"

I like Fandangumo. For one thing, he's male. He's also cheerful, without being… well, Ringumo.

"Would you mind terribly if we rode you back home? I'm about to fall over, and I don't know how accurate I'm going to be with the gate. It was a rough time," I explained calmly.

Fandangumo nodded. "Oh, sure! It would be nice to get back to your world for a bit."

"Sensei, how are we going to ride him?" Sakura asked.

"He's a Jorougumo too," I explained, "and unlike Ringumo, he collects body types."

"But I just get so hungry! I can't help it!" Ringumo whined, quickly shifting back into her small, portable form and crawling up onto my shoulder.

"You could collect hair like I do," Fandangumo reminded her. "It's super useful, and fun too! One second." He scuttled off a distance, and I realized which body he was going to use.

Sasuke let out another whimper.

Fandangumo had turned into a tarantula. Not just any tarantula either.

"He's on our side, Sasuke," I tried calming my student.

The Mizugumo were quite large, but they weren't the largest. Well, except for Mizutoushou of course, but he's ancient, even by summon standards.

Fandangumo was at least half his size. A Goliath birdeater tarantula, towering over us with legs as wide around as redwood trunks. He looked down at us with the spider equivalent of a big, friendly smile.

"All aboard!" He boomed. I looked over to my genin.

"I could use some help up guys," I said to my team.

They all helped me up, conveniently distracting Sasuke as well, until we were all securely on Fandangumo's back. There was enough room for a picnic up here. It's too bad this form wasn't actually all that great at combat. Big and strong, but not really agile enough against a competent mobile enemy.

"All right. Everyone ready?"

No one objected, so I pulled out the summoning scroll, and warped us back home. Hopefully we weren't declared nukenin after all this time.

••••••••••

CRUNCH

That was an awkward landing. I adjusted my glasses out of habit, and sighed as I took deep breaths to get used to the changed air pressure and humidity. Naruto was wincing, rubbing his ears. The world around us was a white, foggy abyss and the scent of the sea was washing over us.

"Tsume-san! I think I landed on someone!" Fandango called out. I sighed.

"Why'd you do that?! Get off, they might not have insurance!"

"Where are we anyway?" Naruto asked. "It's so foggy. This isn't Konoha."

"Don't worry," Fandangumo rumbled, "I landed on a ninja, they're alive!"

I groaned, as Sakura looked caught between laughter and horror. "Oh great, now they're going to be pissed off at me. Please let's not cause a diplomatic incident."

"Tsume-san, is that you?" A female voice called out from the white abyss beyond. "Blow off this mist, would you?"

"Kurenai-san?" I asked, extending my chakra senses. Yes, it was her all right. And she wasn't alone. "Sure, one moment. Where are we?"

I ran through the signs to bring forth some wind, slowly pushing the fog away. The white abyss beyond Fandangumo cleared, revealing a lowland coastal forest. Kurenai stood with her team: Shino, Kiba, Hinata and little Akamaru. With them was a older man, muscular but gone slightly to seed, with graying hair and beard. Despite only seeing him animated, the clothes, the hat, the glasses and the location all had a terrible, terrible familiarity to them.

I looked down between Fandangumo's large mandibles. Sprawled underneath him was a unconscious, dark haired man with camouflage arm warmers and a large _zanbato._ I sucked in a breath through my teeth.

"We're in Wave. Your summon just crushed a nukenin," Kurenai explained. "Thanks for that, by the way."

Oh. Well shit.


	11. Chapter 11

**Kiba**

"We've been doing D-ranks forever now!" I complained. "Can't we do something interesting? Team seven gets to run around on a 'spider world' or something and we're stuck here cleaning up trash!"

We were in the tower for missions, and I had gotten fed up. D-ranks weren't missions, they were chores!

Teams seven, eight, and ten had all been training under Tsume-sensei, when the man had disappeared, taking his team, the ball, and the little spider Ringumo with him.

Shikamaru suggested we just call it a day, but Ino insisted we find our sensei. She probably regretted that, considering how we found them…

Anyhow, turns out Tsume-san not only has a summoning contract (obvious considering all the spiders around him), but he has duties to perform from time to time in the spider plane. Weird. I'm glad we're a dog clan. With earth dogs. That stay here.

"Rest assured, I'll be having words with Tsume-san about that. In the meantime, you can choose from trash collection, painting a section of the outer wall, or mending a farmer's fences," the Hokage explained.

I let out a quick growl before cutting myself off. I was frustrated, but he was the kage.

"I too find myself growing impatient," Shino said, surprising me. He didn't say much, but I had learned to listen when he did. "We are not asking to save the world. Surely there is a C-rank no one else wants that we could deal with, Hokage-sama."

The Hokage seemed to actually be considering this, and I was suddenly glad I hadn't kept Akamaru on my head today. I gave him a _look_, and he shuffled over to Hinata, and stuck his nose against her leg.

Hinata shot a quick glance at me. "Ano… I wouldn't mind doing something different. I- I think we're ready for something new."

I could have kissed her, but she'd probably faint immediately, and then her dad would skin me.

"Hmmm." The Hokage looked over to Kurenai-sensei who gave a tiny shrug. "I suppose there is something that you could handle. I doubt you'll find it very interesting, but it is a C-rank out of the village."

"We'll take it!" I answered immediately.

Shino looked down and shook his head. He didn't get it, I didn't care if it sucked, it was away from here. That made it interesting.

"Ho ho ho, the passion of youth is inspiring, is it not, Kurenai? Fine, your team can have it. Call in the client from Wave, would you?" This last bit was directed to one of the office personnel.

"You will be accompanying Tazuna-san, a bridge builder, back to his home nation of Wave, and make certain that his project is completed. He suspects that there are elements that want his bridge to remain incomplete, as it would shift the economic fortunes of the area. To this end, you will need to defend him and the bridge from any thugs, Yakuza, or the like which may try to stop him. Any questions?"

As he finished, an older man stumbled in. I could smell the alcohol on his breath from here.

"How long will your project take to complete sir? Approximately," Shino asked this Tazuna guy.

He blinked. "About three weeks if everything goes well. Are, uh, you going to be my guards? I expected… adults."

My dander was up, but before I could say anything Kurenai-sensei spoke up.

"They can handle themselves. And if anything truly dangerous should arise, I'll be with you as well."

His eyebrows went up as soon as he noticed her, and he looked thoughtful. "Oh. Well, I suppose."

I still wasn't thrilled with the guy, but figured I should ask something too. "What exactly makes you think there's danger, who will we be up against?"

He frowned. "I've been around the world. I've noticed shady types sniffing around the construction site. There's been some accidents lately. A few workers got hurt. The ropes looked cut to me, not frayed. I don't know who exactly, but… presumably someone in shipping."

The guy smelled nervous. I wondered if there was more he wasn't sharing, but he probably was just rattled at the thought of someone willing to hurt or kill him and his workers.

"Right then. I think it's time we all packed," Kurenai directed. "Let's meet back here packed and ready in thirty minutes." She glanced at the client. "Assuming that's alright?"

He nodded. "Sooner the better."

••••••••••

*RARF!*

"You said it, buddy!" I said with a smile.

We had just left the Konoha gates behind us about five minutes ago, and I wasn't the only one in high spirits. Hinata had a small grin as she looked around, and even Shino seemed to have a bounce in his step. I looked back at Kurenai. She seemed to be enjoying the bright sunshine as much as Akamaru. It was bright, but not oppressively hot, perfect traveling weather.

The only person who didn't seem enthusiastic was our client. I had to admit, he was fairly fit for an old man, especially considering he was still drinking. Unfortunately he seemed to spend most of his time frowning or looking at Kurenai-sensei. I couldn't fault his taste, but it was still rude.

"So, how far is Wave country, sensei?" I asked.

"About three days at civilian pace. Is that about right, Tazuna-san?"

"I made it here in two, but I was hurrying. I'd like to get back as soon as possible. Construction should have continued while I was gone, but I still need to supervise it. And there may be further 'accidents' until you all can keep an eye on it."

"By all means, set the pace. We can keep up with you," Kurenai said.

This seemed to energise him, as he picked up speed quickly. I grinned, maybe we just got off on the wrong foot. I pushed back my hood. "Come on buddy, you could use some exercise. Scout ahead!"

Akamaru leapt of my head and ran in front, sniffing excitedly.

As far as I was concerned, things were looking up for team eight!

••••••••••

**Hinata**

••••••••••

We had been traveling several hours when Kurenai-sensei spoke up, "We should take a water break soon. If anyone sees a good spot, speak up."

"I thought you all could keep up with my pace?" Tazuna asked, sounding slightly grumpy.

"We can go _much_ faster, if necessary. But it's important to stay hydrated. Especially if we need to defend you from something. I'd ask you to drink water when we stop. You're setting a commendable pace, but booze dehydrates the body. We'll get back faster if you stop drinking."

Tazuna snorted. "Fine. I can stop for a few days if we'll get there quicker."

Akamaru was still ahead of us all, and stopped at a puddle. I grinned, it seemed he was thirsty too.

*RAWF RAAWF*

Kiba's head swung around immediately, concern etched on his face, and Kurenai's attention focused on the dog just fractionally slower.

"Akamaru?" Kiba asked.

I activated my eyes. "Akamaru, RUN!"

As he turned back, I watched two ninja with odd masks and massive gauntlets float out of the ground and start to charge us, Akamaru only half a second ahead of them.

Kiba ran forward immediately, quickly dropping onto all fours and loping ahead.

"Damn it Kiba!" Shino shouted, chasing after.

For a moment, it seemed like Kurenai-sensei and Tazuna disappeared, but suddenly they reappeared in a bush, looking strangely fuzzy. With the client taken care of, I raced after my teammates.

"Passing Fang!" Kiba flew into a spiralling corkscrew, headed straight for the two ninja, who brought up their giant metal gauntlets. Kiba connected, and the three of them slid back several feet as he pushed against their united defense. Finally, Kiba's attack ran out of power as he slowed down, and the two ninja flung him back, their gauntlets dented and nearly ruined.

They immediately counter attacked, flinging the gauntlets off, the chain disconnecting in one fluid movement. One heading towards Kiba, who was rolling back across the ground, while the other clipped Shino's arm as he tried to dodge from a forward sprint, sending him tumbling to the side. Akamaru lunged through the air and caught the gauntlet headed for his master as Kiba shook his head and jumped to his feet.

"Where'd the target go?" one of the enemies asked.

"I don't kn- GURK?" Kurenai had run up and stuck a kunai into his chest without either of them noticing. As I ran up, she suddenly lost the haziness, and I realised she had been under a genjutsu the whole time, presumably invisible.

"Damn it! Brother!" The other ninja jumped away from her, startled, straight towards me.

"Hinata!"

We fell down in a tangle of limbs, and moments later I realized he had my arms held together behind my back.

"Back off from my brother, or else the genin gets it!" he shouted, and I felt a kunai against my throat. "Stand up slowly, girl."

The two of us stood up slowly, as did Kurenai, and she cautiously walked away from the ninja on the ground. "Don't be rash. He's not dead. Yet. If you get him treatment soon he should recover, but if you so much as hurt her… I'll track you down. There's nowhere you can hide from me."

He seemed shaken, and I turned my head slightly. I could see one of the major chakra points in the chest near my fingers, if I could just move my hands slightly…

"I'm giving the orders now! Keep moving! Not that way. Towards your other genin. Make sure they don't do anything stup-"

I shoved all the chakra I had into my fingers, and he collapsed on top of me like a sack of grain. I rolled my shoulders and he fell to the ground. Kurenai was on top of us in a flash, checking me for injuries before checking him for a pulse.

"Gentle fist?"

I nodded.

"Brilliant. Good work!" She quickly started tying him up, and I realized I must not have killed him. My fingers were probably a little too short to reach.

"Kiba, Shino, tie up the other one. Leave the kunai in, it's deep."

••••••••••

A few minutes later, the ninja were tied up sitting next to each other.

Kiba had been fussing over Akamaru, but got up and walked over to me.

"EEP!"

Kiba was wrapped around me in a hug, and I knew my face must be incandescent."You saved Akamaru. Thank you!"

I think Shino could tell I was nervous, as he pried Kiba off of me. "Very commendable, Hinata. You did well."

"I, I got captured."

"And you reversed the situation and took him out. I never even made contact. Even Kiba managed to damage their gear."

*ARF*

Kiba picked Akamaru up, and he jumped into my arms and started licking my face.

"Akamaru says thanks too, in case you couldn't tell."

Kurenai finished making sure the two ninja, mist nukenin as it turned out, were suitably trussed up and not going to bleed out immediately, and came over.

"You all did very well in a hairy situation. We'll talk more, but this changes things. I need to interrogate these ninja, and possibly talk to Tazuna. Right now, I want you three to find and guard him. He should still be unconscious for a while. Don't come over here, I don't want you to see this yet."

I nodded, pointing to Tazuna. "I see him in the bushes."

"Good. I want you to know now, we might not be continuing this mission."

"What?" Kiba asked loudly.

"Depending on what's going on, this might be above our level to handle. That's what I'm trying to determine. _If_ a C-rank mission includes enemy shinobi, it's shouldn't be lethal. It's usually over who completes the contract, or sabotage. These are nuke-nin. They don't play by the rules. This should be a B-rank at least, and Tazuna didn't pay for that kind of protection. If Akamaru and Hinata hadn't spoiled their ambush, things could have gone very poorly."

"But-" Kiba started.

"Hush. We do not know what she will find out. Save your arguments until we understand what we are dealing with," Shino interrupted. "It may all become moot."

Kiba frowned, but nodded and walked over to where I had pointed.

Shino and Akamaru followed. I gave one last look at the two nukenin before heading over myself.

••••••••••

**Shino**

••••••••••

My teammates and I sat around Tazuna. It was unlikely there were more enemy assets in the immediate area, or they would have surely acted when the ambush was ruined. At worst, a ninja fled to report the results. Still, we should not take this assumption for truth.

I frowned, knowing my teammates could not see it. I had performed poorly. I did not begrudge my teammates success, they had used their abilities admirably. I should have been scouting too. I should have-

"Knock it off, Shino," Kiba broke my thoughts.

I glared at him.

"If sensei hadn't snuck in and stabbed that dude, I'm sure you would have kicked his ass. Don't get all grumpy. It makes you stink."

I rolled my eyes and looked away.

"What are we going to do if sensei says we should go back?" He asked.

"Listen?" Hinata suggested. "She's our jonin-sensei. If she says we should go back, we should."

"But this is our first real mission," Kiba said with a bit of a whine.

"Precisely," I answered.

He let out a huff and leaned back, petting Akamaru.

"Do not be grumpy, it upsets my kikaichu."

Kiba snorted, but I noticed the edge of his mouth turn up into a grin for a moment.

••••••••••

After maybe half an hour, Kurenai joined us again.

After an awkward pause, Kiba broke the silence. "Soo-o…"

Sensei frowned. "I'm not sure if we should go back or not. I got some information out of them. Genjutsu is useful for that, but I've not focused on that type previously. I'll have to fix that."

I was surprised. I knew that jonin-sensei were not perfect, but I had not expected her to be so blunt about her shortcomings.

She must have noticed. "Always recognize areas for improvement. Don't dwell on them, just make notes, and DO something about it when you can. I know some people who specialize in interrogation, I'll ask for some tips. I've focused on battle genjutsu, which is much more difficult in many ways, but interrogation is…" she frowned, "difficult."

"W-what did you find out?" Hinata asked.

"They're working for Gato, a wealthy tycoon. He has ties to many things, shipping included. They have a jonin nukenin waiting in case these two failed."

Kiba grinned. "You're a jonin! With us, we can definitely take them!"

Kurenai grinned at his enthusiasm. "Slow down there. You know that's not how it works, right? I can trust you all to defend yourself against genin, or even chunin if the numbers favor you, like just now. In a fight against a jonin, you're liabilities. I'll have to spend a lot of effort keeping you alive, and they'll know it."

"Well then, we can protect Tazuna while you kick their ass," Kiba tried.

"That is a possibility I'm entertaining," Kurenai admitted. "I'm just wary. I couldn't get either of them to divulge anything about this guy. Just kept referring to him as a 'swordsman'. Or 'the swordsman'."

"I assume that is not an alias you are familiar with?" I asked.

Kurenai smiled. "Good idea, and correct. Could mean he's not good enough to merit attention, but they're nukenin. I was using genjutsu, it all gets… psychological. So it could be his mission call sign, or he's using it as an advertisement to keep his real name away from hunter nin. Anyway, plenty of ninja use kenjutsu. Not very helpful. Mist ninja especially. It is the home of the 7 swordsmen after all."

Hinata blinked. "W-wait. You don't think that-"

Kurenai grinned. "That we're up against one of the seven swordsmen? I highly doubt it. I think a few have gone rogue over the years, but even so, none of them would be slumming it around here, even for a patron as rich as Gato."

That was relieving. I did not know any real details, but everyone had heard of the Seven Swordsmen. It was an elite club based around exceptionally crafted swords with weird abilities in Hidden Mist. I remember that one of them exploded a lot, apparently. No one in the academy could really figure out how that would work, but ninja would find a way.

"What if we go in and get enough information to determine if we should press on or send for reinforcements?" Kiba asked.

Kurenai nodded. "Now that is one of the most sensible things I've heard you say in a while, Kiba."

Kiba grinned. I rolled my eyes again. I like wearing shaded glasses.

"Shall we wake up Tazuna, sensei?" Hinata asked.

"No. We'll be moving quickly. I'll carry him to the coast, we can wake him up there."

"What about the nuke-nin?" I asked, thumb over my shoulder towards the two.

Kurenai blinked. "They're nuke-nin. They gave up the protection of the Mist when they scratched their hitai-ate. We don't have the time or manpower for prisoners."

Kiba looked over to where they had been left. "You mean, uh, you killed them?"

Kurenai nodded. "Nuke-nin get no quarter. If they had been allied with any village, we'd be bound by the accords. Be certain, none of us would have lived if they had the chance. Nukenin are constantly on the run. They leave as few witnesses as possible."

"... Oh."

I looked around. I wasn't the only one somewhat surprised by this turn of events. Ninja died, but… if you were caught, there were rules. Not ironclad, and they became... flexible during war, but…

"Come on. I want to get to the coast before nightfall. We're going to be pushing it to your limits." She hefted Tazuna-san onto her shoulder like a bag of rice.

"Move out."

••••••••••

**Akamaru**

••••••••••

Woof. Woof wof wooof. Bark woof, woooo bark huff. BARK! Woof bark huff huff snort.

"Bark," whoof whuf.

"I know, we gotta keep going though," riff ruoff bark.

"Bark woof huff rark rark!"

"That's rude! Don't say that about sensei. This is a mission, of course we're running!" Ruff bark ruff.

Bark. Ruff woof wuff aroooo!

••••••••••

**Kiba**

••••••••••

The miles had melted by. It was dark, and we were at a hill overlooking the shore. In the distance was a small port and fishing town, lit up here and there with a few lanterns. Other than sensei, we were all sore and panting. I had to get Akamaru to run by himself after the second hour, so he was panting right there with us. Or perhaps we were panting with him?

Kurenai cut through my musings. "Well, we didn't make it before nightfall, but not bad. We covered about 115 miles since we left Konoha at noon. Rest up, I'll need to wake up Tazuna. He'll have had some sort of transport arranged off the mainland."

I didn't need to be told twice, and sat down, digging through my pack for a snack and my canteen. I heard rather than saw my teammates do the same, as my eyes were shut, and the cool water ran down my throat.

I poured some into my hand and held it out for Akamaru. He hurried over and lapped it up. I poured some more, with similar results.

"Wha- where are we, what happened?"

Tazuna must be up. I didn't even bother to turn around and watch.

"We're on the coast, Tazuna-san. You and I need to have a chat about a few things. Like why you were attacked by nukenin."

Tazuna preceded to try and sell us a sob story about their country being overrun by Gato. I mean, don't get me wrong, sounds pretty awful, but he should have come clean and asked for help properly. Things could have gone pretty bad if he had ended up with one or two chunin, which is what frequently happens to low priority C-ranks. Not that we're better than chunin, but sensei is.

We slept in a motel. The walls were so thin I was surprised they weren't translucent. It was drafty, and I couldn't get the smell of salt out of my nose. I shared the room with Shino and Tazuna.

What a surprise: Tazuna snores when he's not knocked out by genjutsu.

So, first thing after dawn, I kid you not, there we were, in the middle of the channel in a rowboat. Somehow Shino and I were the ones rowing, though neither of us knew how, while the genuine fisherman 'kept lookout' as if Kurenai-sensei was blind.

At least the bridge was pretty impressive.

••••••••••

We all got on shore without any mishaps, thank goodness. The fisherman buggered off real quick, and sensei called for a team huddle.

"We're going to be discreet, quiet, and stealthy. We're going to need some time to do proper reconnaissance, so we need to get to Tazuna's house without being noticed. From there we can make a plan to get enough information to decide on an actual course of action."

Everyone nodded.

We set out. Our travel was the exact opposite of the previous afternoon. We traveled slowly, in a tight group, off the paths. Akamaru didn't scout, as much as I would have liked him to. We weren't worried about finding the enemy first, just not contacting them at all.

Somehow, none of that mattered.

We reached a small, natural clearing in the forest, the log of an old fallen tree laying in the center. As we moved around it, Shino froze stiff.

"They're here."

Kurenai blinked, and tilted her head, straining to hear something.

Then I heard it as well, something large flying towards us.

"Get down!"

••••••••••

**Hinata**

••••••••••

Even as I jumped to the ground, I was flashing through the seals to activate my eyes. I had wanted to activate them before, but Kurenai said that chakra sensors could sometimes notice even the most passive of techniques.

I heard a massive weapon swish through the air above me and lodge itself into a tree on the far side of the clearing. We all rushed to our feet, but I could already see a large nukenin standing on a massive sword. He was shirtless, but wore arm and leg warmers.

"He's got a sword, all right," Kiba commented.

"Oh dear," Kurenai murmured.

"I'll be taking the old man's head now," the ninja said.

"No way! We're defending him!" Kiba shouted, a kunai in one hand.

"RARF!"

"Oh. How cute. Well then, I suppose I've lost the day. I'll just head home shall I? Shut up, it's time for adults to speak."

A massive killing intent slammed down, stifling, making it hard to breath or even think. My body froze up completely, and I wanted to hide in my jacket. Far, far inside, and never come out again. Just dig into the earth and hide for the rest of my life and never feel this hate again.

"I don't think I know your description. You a new jonin? What do you think? Can you keep all your student _and_ your client safe?"

Kurenai gritted her teeth. "I will."

He seemed to grin under his mask. "Oh good. That will make this interesting."

He flashed through several hand seals and breathed out, a dense fog enveloping him immediately.

"Crap, he's a blind fighter too. Hinata, get next to Tazuna, and let me know what's happening."

I maneuvered over, "He's making some sort of clones. Not standard bunshin, or what Naruto does."

"Water, most likely. They're solid, don't let them hit you."

CRUNCH

"What the hell was that?" Kiba asked.

"I- I think... a giant spider landed on him? And a few trees?" I answered.

"What." Kurenai asked.

"It's got passengers too?" I continued. Was that…?

"Tsume-san! I think I landed on someone!" A massive voice called out from the mist.

"Why'd you do that?! Get off, they might not have insurance!"

"Where are we anyway? It's so foggy. This isn't Konoha."

I looked closer. It was him, I'd recognize that fascinating chakra network anywhere. "Naruto?" I whispered. What was he doing here though?

Oh. His team was here too.

"Don't worry, I landed on a ninja, they're alive!" The spider seemed cheerful enough. I wondered if they knew Ringumo, and if she had a human form yet.

"Oh great, now they're going to be pissed off at me. Please let's not cause a diplomatic incident."

Kurenai-sensei seemed to have snapped out of her shock. "Tsume-san, is that you? Blow off this mist, would you?"

"Kurenai-san? Sure, one moment. Where are we?"

"We're in Wave. Your summon just crushed a nukenin," Kurenai explained. "Thanks for that, by the way."

"... Um, no problem. Happy to help."


	12. Chapter 12

**Tsume**

••••••••••

Welp. Wave, huh. Whoever said that the hand of fate is subtle can shove it. God moves in mysterious ways? HA! Not in shonen universes!

"Everyone dismount! Fandangumo, let's get you back to a reasonable size." No rest for the wicked, I'd have to walk after all.

I didn't think Kurenai was capable of taking on Zabuza single handedly. No disrespect to her, but Kakashi had serious difficulties. I probably couldn't… well, if I summoned a few dozen of my spider friends, or Jurougumo, sure, but that's not single-handedly, is it?

I sure as hell couldn't in the state I was in now.

We all clambered off of Fandangumo, as I tried to come up with a gameplan. Did we want Zabuza dead? Now would be the best time for it. On the other hand, if I screwed up and Kabuto managed to perfect the impure resurrection technique, every dead ninja was another indestructible enemy.

Seriously, how did they know about some of the people they brought back? Did they just go through the bingo book and highlight ninja they hadn't heard of for a while? Ninja academy yearbooks?

I must be tired, I'm rambling more than usual.

Fandangumo disappeared in a puff of smoke, revealing his normal Juro form and… yep.

Zabuza. Jazzercise arm warmers and all.

"Well, fancy meeting you guys in a place like this," I called over. Naruto finally noticed Hinata and waved cheerfully. She blushed brightly, returning a warm smile. It was so sweet, I needed insulin.

"We should restrain him, he's no joke," Kurenai replied, all business.

Fair. I would be too if I didn't know what was going on. And wasn't recovering from a near death experience.

I made the hand seals and shaped my chakra for the Webbing jutsu. I took a breath… And two senbon slammed into the prostrate nukenin's neck. He shuddered, spasmed, and at last stilled as his eyes stared lifelessly at the overcast sky.

Enter the masked nin, stage right. Hello Haku.

All of us tensed as a feminine voice broke the shocked silence. "Ah, I must thank you, Konoha nin. A brilliant job. I hope you'll understand if I take him now?"

"WHO NOW?" Kiba shouted. Shino looked embarrassed while Tazuna was doing his level best to look like he wasn't confused or terrified. I'll give the man credit, he wasn't doing too bad for a civilian. Most of the genin were just as confused.

"That's a hunter nin," Kurenai explained. "Mist. They track down nukenin, kill them, and destroy their bodies so secrets aren't discovered by other villages. Like us."

"Succinctly put, ma'am," Haku replied.

"Awfully good timing, though," Kurenai frowned. Hey, she wasn't stupid.

"There seems to be a lot of luck in the air. Unless you _planned_ to drop a boss summon on him?" Haku asked.

Should I say something? How would I explain it? There wasn't much more time left before this conversation reached its conclusion.

I ended up just shrugging sheepishly. "Whoops?"

"Hey, I'm a boss summon, you hear that, Ringumo?" Fandangumo was going to be smug for weeks. Ringumo maturely blew a raspberry back at her cousin.

Haku tilted his head. "If it makes you feel better, I'll put in a good word for you when I get back?"

Kurenai snorted. "That's fine. Don't bother."

I knew what she meant, Mist was so unstable, they didn't really have diplomatic relations with anyone at the moment. Better than Hidden Rain, perhaps. North Korea got on better with their world than Mist did with ours.

When had I gone native?

"Well then, my thanks, and farewell."

Haku dashed down out of his tree, snagged Zabuza, and disappeared into the forest.

"... What just happened?" Sakura asked.

"I'm not entirely sure myself," I lied. "I think a debriefing is in order. Kurenai?"

"We were planning on basing out of the client's home. A bit obvious, but there aren't a whole lot of options. We should have a long talk there."

Sasuke surprised me, "I wouldn't mind a bed. Even a futon… Or a floor to be honest."

I nodded. "It's been a long few days for us, and I nearly got eaten by spiders a few times. A bed does sound good. Lead on?" I asked hopefully.

"Sp-spiders? Aren't they your allies?" Hinata gasped. Naruto grinned and began walking alongside her, eager to spill his guts.

I would have to teach him about need to know at some point, but this was harmless. Besides, after the adventure we'd had, I couldn't begrudge him some time with his girlfriend. _I_ wouldn't mind seeing Anko.

A sore muscle in my side reminded me that I really would mind seeing her at the moment.

"... And Ringumo-chan got a human form…" he paused, blushing, suddenly remembering just who it was mostly based off of.

"Yes, it's the bestest form ever! Thank you all so much!" She hopped off my shoulder.

"Clothes, Ringumo!" Sakura shouted.

"Right!" Ringumo appeared, fully clothed, in all her bubbly human genki-girlness. Which didn't really mesh with Hinata's body style, but that was Ringumo for you.

And even after facing a terrifying missing ninja and the fact she had henged some clothes, Shino, Kiba and Sasuke were unable to avoid staring. She wasn't exactly practiced enough to know how to henge underwear, after all.

"That is… a nice body, Ringumo-san," Shino was amusingly the first to come to his senses.

"I know, right? I love it. Thanks again, Hinata, I couldn't have convinced the others if you hadn't let me have some of your blood first!"

Kiba was doing a double take, looking between to two girls, gears turning in his head. Hinata turned as red as a tomato, and tried to hide in her coat. Naruto, though blushing himself, was glaring at the other boys and put a possessive hand on Hinata's shoulder. This of course, made Hinata faint dead away, Naruto catching her and panicking.

"Ah?! Hinata-chan?!"

Sakura fumed, before bonking Sasuke and Kiba on the heads as she too blushed.

"OW! HEY!"

Kurenai was just shaking her head, grinning, and I'd bet money that she was restraining laughter. I certainly was.

If we must deal with pubescent students, we deserve some amusement. I'm never working in the academy.

All of this was fine, but what was my actual game plan for Wave?

My body ached from exertion and fatigue. I sighed heavily. For all my abilities, I was still human (mostly, except for those extra glands in the throat for spider speech). I needed a good lie down.

Screw it. I'd figure it out tomorrow.

••••••••••

**Sakura**

••••••••••

Tazuna's home was a lodging house at some point, so even with all of us and the client's daughter and grandson, there was enough room. We still had to share rooms though. Kurenai, Hinata and I had one to ourselves, while Kiba, Shino, and Sasuke had another. Finally Tsume-sensei and Naruto shared the final free room.

Tsume waved off Kurenai's proposed meeting, explaining that he had nearly died one too many times today, and that he needed sleep.

"The swordsman was probably the ace in the hole, or else you all wouldn't have been assigned this mission, right? You can hold the fort until the morning, I'm sure."

Kurenai frowned, but didn't have any specific arguments. Sensei did look pretty rough, which probably helped his argument. He was unconscious about ten seconds after his head hit the pillow. So that left it up to us to explain what all we had been up to.

Naruto immediately jumped on this chance to spin a yarn, with himself frequently in the spotlight, as I corrected and clarified points and Sasuke alternated between yawning and rolling his eyes.

"So after sensei fell in the water, Sakura and Ringumo went to go get him out of the water while this _massive_ fish was swimming around. Sasuke was fighting off all of the other spiders, while I got so pissed, I jumped straight at the big guy, and we started duking it out."

Kiba snorted, grinning. He probably thought this was another exaggeration, but Kurenai was frowning slightly.

"Speaking of that, Naruto, just what was all of that red chak-" I started.

"You should have seen Sasuke though. He was mowing through dozens of spiders, limbs were flying, he was spitting out fireballs, it was amazing. I got a kunai into one of the big guy's eyes, and it was all downhill from there…"

Had he been using kunai? I remembered a lot of red, visible chakra, claws, and terror.

"Before that though, didn't you have, like, claws at one point?" I asked. Kurenai tensed slightly, but I wasn't sure why.

"Spiders don't have claws, Sakura! You should know that by now. So I climbed up onto his head, and kept stabbing him with my kunai, trying to blind his other eyes…"

I shot him a glare. He was still grinning, but his eyes held a pleading expression. Not how he had pleaded for a date back in the past, but far more desperately. I bit my tongue, fuming a bit at him.

Fine. So he didn't want to talk about it. I'd find out somehow or other.

"... And then Mizutoushu and Jurougumo suddenly reappeared and explained how the whole thing was a set up from the beginning!" Naruto gesticulated.

Kurenai looked at me, and I nodded. "More or less. Which is when we rode Fandangumo back here. And you know the rest," I explained.

"The big tarantulas are really fun when I get to stomp around," Fandangumo explained. He had shifted into a human form, and was sitting in the corner. Kind of handsome, actually, though unlike the boy's I'm not falling for a spider. He looked to be in his early 30s, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes with a touch of green. His ability at clothing genjutsu was also much better than Ringumo's.

Thankfully.

Speaking of…

"Zzzz… Bally balls, bouncy..." the spider turned girl mumbled in her sleep, curled up around the exhausted Akamaru.

"Woof," he replied faintly, and his leg jerked, presumably chasing something in his dream.

Shino stared. "... Anyone have a camera?"

I gawked at him. His expression didn't change a bit.

"I brought three in my back pocket," Kiba grinned. "But that is cute. Clever boy."

I frowned. I know she's cute, but… she acts like a kid. I wish they wouldn't look at her like that.

Oh, and she's a spider, too.

"So what mission brings you to Wave, Kurenai-sensei?" I asked.

"The short version, since I'll have to recap in the morning, I suppose," Kurenai said with a sigh. She sounded a bit tired herself, though it was only mid-afternoon.

"Tazuna-san hired us for a protection mission. He wants to build a bridge to the mainland in order to stimulate economic growth in the area. A tycoon named Gato is trying to kill him and destroy the bridge in order to secure his hold on the area. The nukenin you all crushed was hired by him. Now that he's out of the way, we'll probably just need to protect Tazuna-san for a few weeks until the bridge is built. Still, we shouldn't be lax, Gato might hire more reinforcements."

I blinked. "That... doesn't really sound like a job for genin."

"It's not. Tazuna and I will be having words. Clients lie about jobs from time to time. Your arrival was fortuitous, even if there aren't further reinforcements coming. The jonin you all crushed would have been a difficult fight, especially with my focus divided watching out for my students."

"Hnn," Sasuke mumbled. "Tsume-sensei was just telling us about how everyone uses ninja."

Kurenai nodded. "He's not wrong. You know, you all don't look much better than your sensei. Go to bed. We're just going to do some light training for the afternoon, survey the construction sight, that sort of thing.."

"Right." Sasuke headed off immediately. He'd put up a massive fight against those spiders.

I nodded, and headed towards the room I'd be sharing.

"Can I come? I'm kind of wired still," Naruto asked, bouncing on his heels.

Kurenai paused, before shrugging. "I suppose so."

••••••••••

**Tsume**

••••••••••

The next morning, I woke up feeling slightly less like pure hell. I groaned and stretched, kicking my feet to flip myself upright. I rolled my neck around, joints popping. I stretched a bit more, holding in a groan. I took a deep breath, and focused my chakra. The low-tier healing jutsu sent energy flowing around and through me, and my aches and pains faded. I sighed happily, and looked around my surroundings.

Naruto was snoring away, wearing his frog-shaped sleeping cap. Snuggled up against him was Ringumo, back in her human form. I raised my eyebrows.

I sighed and pulled my glasses on. To be honest, tormenting my students wasn't really on the agenda today. Well, not yet anyway. And purely physically. We would need to expedite the training if things developed poorly.

"EEEK!"

I rushed down stairs to see Fandangumo dragging in several large fish. Perhaps I hadn't introduced everyone properly, as Tsunami was not managing well at the sight of a humongous spider prancing around her house.

"Please stay human around the civilians, Fandangumo," I asked. He looked up.

"Right, I forget sometimes."

I gave Tsunami a warm, polite smile and bowed. "I'm very sorry about that. My summons are spiders, you see."

"I-I can see that," Tsunami managed, shaking a bit.

"Looks like we'll have breakfast though… and lunch. And any other meals you'd like."

"I… I can work with that. Thank you… Fandangumo-san?"

I smiled. Tsunami had always come off as strong to me in the anime and manga, and I was glad those depictions were accurate. Hell, to keep hope in these conditions, you'd have to be.

Kurenai poked her head in the door. "Everything alright?"

"Fandangumo just being spooky. It happens," I explained. My summon poofed himself into his human form, and noticed Tsunami give him the full up, down, and back up appraisal. I decided to leave that alone and focus on the day's agenda.

Kurenai beat me to it. "Well, I'm glad you're up. We need to talk. Naruto was helpful enough in telling us your situation, though I imagine it was… embellished slightly."

"More than likely," I admitted. I followed Kurenai into the kitchen, where Tazuna was already sitting at the table, along with his grandson. And his stupid Gilligan hat. He scowled up at us, eyes filled with mistrust, while Tazuna looked nervous.

"As I explained to your genin," Kurenai said smoothly, sitting down at the head of the table while I sat on the opposing side, facing Tazuna, "the danger our client is in was obviously misrepresented."

"I-I did have good reasons for this," Tazuna stated, his voice rough with years of tobacco use. I held up my hand, and he fell silent. I nodded thoughtfully.

"I'm aware of the basics of the situation," I said. Kurenai shot me a confused look, and I shrugged. "Ringumo filled me in before I came down here," I fibbed.

"I see," Kurenai said with a nod. I looked back at Tazuna, who stood his ground.

I held up my hands. Didn't want her thinking that I was bulldozing over her authority. Especially since I planning too. "Since this is your mission, Kurenai-san," I began, "you're calling the shots, including whether or not to continue it. With the added wrinkle that Zabuza is still alive, of course."

"That was Zabuza after all? And what makes you say that? We both saw him die."

I shrugged, "I read through the bingo book on a whim right after making jonin. It was him. As to whether he died... the hunter used senbon. And the timing of the hunter-nin showing up. It's all rather suspicious. The fact that I landed a spider on him doesn't excuse _more_ ridiculous things happening. I'd forgive them dragging him away from the scene with that many of us there, but that's a lot of coincidences."

"True. Then why didn't you say anything?" she asked with a glare.

"I was half dead, and I only put it together this morning." I said, shrugging. "Besides, a technique like that would leave him incapacitated and recovering for... a week? Or so? Dude was pretty buff. Still, we have a little time to decide what to do."

"... I think you're being paranoid, but I suppose we must take the possibility into account. It was a chaotic situation, and the timing of everything _was_ suspicious…"

"It's only paranoia if they're not out to get you," I said simply. I looked over at Tazuna, eyebrows raised. "Gato must seriously want you dead if he sprang for a former Swordsman of the Mist. This bridge of yours is that big a threat to his monopoly?"

"Yes," Tazuna stated emphatically.

"I assume Kurenai gave you the 'why didn't you ask for help?' spiel?" I asked. Tazuna nodded, wincing as Kurenai shot him a disappointed look. I sighed. "Well… Nothing for it now."

"Between the two of us and our genin, we should be able to deal with the situation, even if Zabuza comes back from the dead," Kurenai said confidently.

"The situation of keeping Tazuna alive? Yes. But we need to think much bigger than that. We need to think about the situation with Wave and Gato, entirely," I stated. Tazuna looked surprised.

"What do you mean, Tsume-san?"

"I mean, that just stopping Zabuza from killing you isn't going to resolve the situation. Even if we killed him, and that's a big _if,_ Gato will just keep sending assassins after you. Or he'll blow up the bridge. A much easier proposition, really, it doesn't move around. He can afford plenty of explosives. So it's clear Gato is doing this for political reasons." I fixed him with a serious expression. "He sees you as a threat, a symbol he has to dispose of."

"Kill the hope, kill the people," Kurenai nodded glumly.

I fixed Tazuna with a deeper, probing expression. He flinched, but held his ground.

"I'm guessing you're much more than a simple bridge builder here, yes?" I asked. Tazuna sighed and nodded.

"I was the only one with resources to organize anything. To get anything done. Gato just takes and takes, there's no Daimyo, no real government after the last war… We're too small for anyone important to care about. Until now. I just ended up in charge of organizing and managing everything."

"Well, that makes my proposal a lot easier," I said with a smile, adjusting my glasses. "You see, Konoha would have been happy to take on a mission of this nature for deferred payment, or even done it pro bono. You lying about it puts us into a sticky situation." I looked over at Kurenai. "By every right, we could just break the contract and go home, isn't that so, Kurenai-san?"

"We certainly have that right. Depending on how you interpret it, we probably should," she looked at me, trying to see where I was headed.

Tazuna turned the color of eggshells. I continued to smile.

"However… I'm a nice guy. Kurenai, aren't I a nice guy?"

She grinned. "Just super. Ask anyone, we all say that about you," I wanted to roll my eyes, she was laying it on a bit thick.

"Even Anko?"

"Anko says all sorts of things about you, but I doubt Tazuna-san is interested in those tales. So, how are you suggesting to be nice? I thought this was my mission?"

"Of course, of course, I'm just floating ideas. If, instead of defending Tazuna-san from a series of assassins, including a kiri-swordsman, we take out Gato instead? It would be a bit pricey, but as I mentioned earlier, Konoha has plans for situations such as this. They would take into consideration your current economic situation."

"You want to take out Gato himself?" Kurenai asked. "That's a large change of roles."

"He's the real threat here," I insisted. "And the mission is to protect Tazuna and his bridge until construction is completed. Letting the bridge get destroyed immediately after we left would reflect poorly on Konoha. And I for one want to get a gold star on this one."

She nodded. "That's true. The bridge will probably be destroyed after we leave afterwards." She looked at me. "One of us could stay here with the kids while the other deals with all that. Assuming the client agrees?"

We both turned to look at Tazuna.

"... I don't suppose I have much choice, do I? I didn't really think about what would happen afterwards, but Gato wouldn't have any compunction against blowing it up after it was finished... I agree. Take care of our country please."

"We can work out a payment plan and agreement based on how this goes after we've gotten more intel," I stated, "and don't worry about the contract. I have a notary summon."

No, I wasn't kidding. Spiders need legal assistance too.

"You know a lot of spiders, Tsume-san," Kurenai chuckled.

"There are a _lot_ of spiders to know," I replied.

After getting our students up, appraising them of the situation, and getting them breakfast (fresh fish, what a surprise), Kurenai took her team out to guard Tazuna and presumably train, while I took my team outside Tazuna's house to a nearby pond.

"We're going to finish water walking. You saw how useful it would have been during our last fight, and we're up against a Mist elite ninja now. If we have to face him, we'll definitely be needing to deal with water attacks."

"Are you sure he's not dead?" Naruto asked doubtfully.

"No, but I'm not alive by being certain of things, I'm alive because I took precautions against things I was suspicious of." I smiled. "And you should be happy, Naruto! I'm also finally going to teach you guys a Super Awesome Jutsu. Or two."

"Finally! About time."

Sasuke eyed me suspiciously. "Really?"

"Really. It's time for you all to learn the basics of spider style."

"But isn't that Taijutsu, Sensei?" Sakura asked, still raising her hand like she was back in school. I chuckled.

"Yes, and no. You guys remember how it felt to move as spiders, right? How different your muscles felt responding to you?"

Sasuke shuddered. Sakura made a face, but nodded. Naruto grinned.

"Yeah! It was super quick. I was all like, pizow swoosh!"

"Well, that's because you didn't have muscles, per se, rather you were moving via hydraulics at the time, rather than leverage as with human muscles," I explained. At Naruto's confused look, Sakura thankfully stepped in. It was like having my own TA!

She should grade papers for me too.

"It means our muscles worked based on changing pressure of liquids inside us," Sakura explained. I nodded.

"Exactly. At a high enough pressure, such a system makes you able to move a lot faster and react much more quickly than a leverage based system. It also makes you much more limber, giving more range of motion. Now," I stretched out my arms over my head with a grunt, "with a normal human body, you really can't rely on hydraulics. But by using chakra to emulate that system? You definitely can. And it has the benefit of working much faster than your regular muscles."

"How much faster?" Sasuke asked.

"Everyone tag me with shuriken."

They shrugged, not unused to this sort of thing.

"All at once now," I encouraged.

They didn't hold back, and I soon had several dozen shuriken heading at me.

I leaned forward, plucking the first two out of the air, then flinging those into two more. What followed would have looked pretty good in the Matrix, as I snagged shuriken after shuriken out of flight, bending backwards, standing on one leg, always where ever I needed to be to grab or deflect the next shuriken.

I few moments later, I stood with over 40 shuriken scattered in a small arc in front of me. Anyone could dodge shuriken. I hadn't let any get past me.

Not really _that_ impressive a feat for a Jonin, but they didn't need to know that.

"Huh." My students were looking fairly shocked. As it should be. Sasuke had his eyes going, but that wouldn't help as much as he thought. It took a lot of practice to make this work. Months before it became combat useful. Thankfully it doubled as a chakra exercise.

"In combination with my chakra sensing," I explained, "I can dodge or deflect almost anything trying to hit me. I still need to work on my offence some, but in the meantime, I've got my summons for that."

"That… I'd like to learn that," Naruto finally said. Sasuke nodded eagerly, no doubt thinking of the possibilities with the Sharingan. I couldn't begrudge him that.

"Good! Let's get started then!"

I taught them the hand seals, and explained the problems they'd run into.

"You'll have to maintain the jutsu for a while, unless you want to do the seals in battle again and again. Also, for the first day or so, you'll be falling over a lot."

"What?" Naruto shouted.

"You don't think that using a totally new motor system that doesn't technically exist in your body is going to be easy, do you?"

"I guess not…"

"Try it sitting down at first," I suggested. They all sat down and ran through the signs.

*Flump*

Naruto had ended up face planting into the earth. Sakura was flat on her back, and Sasuke had fallen over sideways into her lap.

"Oh jeez, that's weird!" Naruto cried.

"I can't move!" Sakura started panicking. "How am I able to breath?"

"Sensei, I hate you," Sasuke said into Sakura's stomach.

I smiled. And I had thought that I was only going to be physically tormenting my students today.

"Well, it looks like you're all well under way with that. I want you all to practice that until lunch, then practice water walking. I'm going to go ninja stuff, and maybe people, in case team eight asks."

Sakura groaned desperately.

"Sensei, some help would be appreciated!"

"Sorry, you just have to figure it out your-," I was cut off as a loud squeal filled the air.

"ANDO-KUN!" Ringumo cried happily, bounding for me in her human form. I dodged and with a deft palm thrust redirected her flight to join the pile of my students. "OOF!"

"Ah, a tutor has arrived! Ringumo, could you do me a huge favor and explain to them how to move with a hydraulic motor system?"

"I can certainly try!" She said from on top of Sasuke, beaming like the sun.

"Semphay, I hae oou," Sasuke repeated.

"Good," I said. "Means I'm doing my job correctly."

••••••••••

**Naruto**

••••••••••

Sensei just left us there on the ground. Frigging Sasuke landed in a pile of girls of course, and doesn't even appreciate it. The world isn't fair, I tell you what.

"Hmm, so how do I explain how to do this?" Ringumo wondered aloud. "I guess I could use the jutsu too." She ran through the hand seals, and her body went flaccid.

"Jush peashy," Sasuke mumbled.

"Huh. This _is_ weird," Ringumo said. "I've never done it as a human before. Muscles are nice, but they are kinda slow. I can't even stick my feet behind my head."

"Any ideas though?" Sakura asked.

"One second," Ringumo said. She started twitching. Soon she had her fingers moving.

"Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of it. So, you kind of want to grab your chakra, and send it through your body like it was plumbing."

"Like... a series of tubes?" I asked, hesitantly.

"Exactly, an excellent analogy!"

"I'm good at those," I grinned. Whatever those are. "How are we talking anyway?"

"I think it only affects voluntary muscles under the neck, otherwise you would die before you learned how to use the technique. Did you know Andoryuu invented it? He was jealous of our flexibility and speed! He's so smart."

"He's very talented, Ringumo. Now, we're supposed to do what again?" Sakura tried to focus the energetic spider-girl. She sounded annoyed. I guess I couldn't blame her. You'd think she'd be happy having Sasuke drool on her though.

"Pump the chakra through your tubes. If you want your fingers to move, you need to build up pressure using your chakra. It kind of pushes a wave along, and your finger moves. Once you get really good, you can actually move the liquids in your body, according to Mom. Like, if your heart stops, or if you get a big cut. I think that's how Mom gets her chest so big too."

"Tha- You can do that?" Sakura asked.

"Uf cors she'd focs ahn tat," Sasuke mumbled.

"Not that! You can keep your blood going without a heart, that's amazing!" Sakura backpedaled furiously.

I started wiggling my pinky. "I think I've got it!"

"What? How?"

"Some of us were following directions, Sakura," I said a bit smugly. Ha, I got something faster than the academy pet. Or Sasuke!

Suddenly Sasuke sat up, shoving Ringumo off of him and onto Sakura. Sasuke flopped back to the ground.

"Well, that kind of worked. At least I can see now."

I scowled. Damnit!

"Hmm… You know, I didn't get to sit in your lap when we were at the hot springs, Sakura," Ringumo said thoughtfully. "You feel different! Comfortable."

"Different how- don't answer that!" Sakura rushed. "Everyone quiet! I need to practice!"

Which is when team eight walked up.

"Do we even want to know?" Kurenai-sensei asked, looking like she was trying not to laugh.

"Tsume-sensei left us here to learn his weird hydraulic technique, and none of us can move," Sasuke explained. "Ringumo was supposed to teach us, but she's only done it as a spider."

Kiba grinned and leaned over. "Well… Doesn't seem all bad from my point of view."

"I think it's fun," Ringumo agreed.

"Shut up, you pervert!" Sakura growled.

I sniffed the air. Strange, I could have sworn I smelled…

"N-Naruto-kun," murmured Hinata. She stood over me with a bowl, and a warm (if nervous) smile. "I asked in the village and uh… I found a ramen place, so I got you some."

The sun chose to shine through the clouds, framing Hinata like she was an angel from heaven. I found that I could smile, tears nearly coming to my eyes.

"You are a goddess, delivering on blessed feet the food of heaven to this lowly warrior, Hinata. As soon as I can move, I will eat that with the gusto of a thousand Akimichi."

What can I say, I get eloquent over ramen. The fact she looked very pretty blushing at my compliment was a great bonus.

"Oh please," Sakura muttered, rolling her eyes. "It's ramen, for crying out loud!"

Blasphemer. Suddenly I felt a lot better about her not being on top of me. Sensei was right, we didn't have much in common.

Hinata hummed, looking over me. She set the ramen down out of the way, and performed a series of hand seals. Her eyes bulged a bit, her bloodline limit activating as she looked me all over. She was blushing quite a bit- maybe she was using a lot more chakra than I thought?

"I think you need to push your chakra harder, and focus it more, Naruto. What are the hand seals?" she asked.

"Snake, ox, and spider."

"Spider?" Kiba asked.

"Oh, you put your middle and ring fingers against your palm on each hand, stick out your index and pinkies and touch them together, and stick out the thumbs," Sakura explained. "I think medics use it sometimes?"

"Like this?" Shino asked. He seemed intrigued, though I had always thought he seemed nervous around sensei. Understandable, I guess.

"Yeah."

Hinata, Shino and Kiba performed the jutsu and fell over.

"Ooph!" Hinata weighed more than she looked, at least when she dropped into my gut. She definitely must have used a lot more chakra than I thought, since she immediately passed out.

"Sorry, you were supposed to sit down first," Sakura apologised.

"I'll live. It probably won't bruise," Kiba said. He sounded like it was going to bruise.

"Have I told you how tasty you look lately, Shino-kun?"

"Nuh lattly," he mumbled into her stomach.

"That tickles!"

Kurenai chuckled. "Well, I suppose I'll let you all get on with it. Do you know where your Jonin got too?"

"He said he was going to ninja some stuff and people," I explained. "Hinata-chan? Are you all right? Wake up?"

She was even smiling! What the heck was wrong with her?

"No, really, that's what he said," Sakura backed me up.

"I think I see why Anko likes him," Kurenai said with a sigh. "I'd heard he was supposed to be fairly normal, too," she muttered.

"Is Hinata-chan going to be okay? I can't help her like this!"

Kurenai had a faint smile. "She'll be fine. She didn't hit her head. She… was probably just surprised."

"Lucky bastard," Kiba said under his breath.

"Here, you'll probably learn faster with Hinata's help." Kurenai went through a long series of hand seals, and Hinata gasped awake.

"Wha- huh? Oh! Umm…"

I smiled. "Hey. You're awake again. Can you help us figure out how to move?"

"I-I, ahh. Yes?"

Kurenai nodded and walked off.

"Ano, well, first, show me what you've figured out so far."

••••••••••

**Tsume**

••••••••••

As it turned out, it wasn't too difficult to find Gato's main base of operations. He was the kind of bastard who made absolutely sure everyone knew where he was, in the most grandiose fashion possible. If he had access to neon lights I wouldn't have put it past the man to decorate his HQ with them.

Unfortunately, he wasn't here yet. His main, _main _base was actually a ship, what with him being a shipping magnate.

I wonder how many refrigerator magnates there have been through history?

Sorry.

… I'm not sorry.

It was a small floating fortress, complete with cannons, steel plate armor, and a screw propulsion drive. Fairly cutting edge for this world, not that unlike the American civil war 'New Ironsides'. Enough to deter most conventional forces from trying an assault.

For a ninja? Not as much of an issue. We walk on water, you know.

What I did find was paperwork and memos. God bless ink. I'm not sure ninjas will survive the electronic revolution if it ever arrives here. Again? I still don't know if this is a post apocalyptic Earth or not. Well, post-post apocalyptic Earth.

Gato had his hands in so many more pies than canon gave him credit. Human trafficking? Check. Smuggling? Duh, of course. Weapon running? Both sides of several conflicts… including Mist...

Oho!

Mei Terumi _and _Yagura? I hadn't been aware she was running a rebellion this early! Why wasn't Zabuza a part of it? Had he triggered the revolutionary spirit?

Well, if either side had found out about Gato's wheeling and dealing a bit sooner, we'd have never had to deal with him. As it is…

This was workable?

This was workable.

Cut down Gato, contact Terumi, show her the papers, and suggest she absorb Zabuza's gang and Gato's empire. Zabuza gets the means to end Yagura, though Mei was probably going to take the Mizukage hat over him. I had no love for Yagura, nor did anyone else in Konoha. I might even be able to swing it so that wave became a sort of headquarters for their activities. That would bring in money and safety to the area. Assuming nothing went too badly.

I mean, I guess someone could hire Akatsuki to blow Wave up, but…

Actually, Mist was already semi-controlled by Akatuski via Yagura anyhow, if memory served, so if they really wanted the civil war to end, they'd have done something about it by now. Perhaps they were using the whole thing as a distraction? Speculation, but plausible.

So then Terumi could take the Gato empire and infrastructure and use them to unite Mist, haul Zabuza away from us, and hurt Akatsuki, all in one sweep.

This would be amazing.

If I could pull it off.

If I could get Kurenai to go along…

If...

I had a lot of work ahead of me.


	13. Chapter 13

"I have a Plan."

You actually can pronounce capital letters with a bit of practice.

Everyone looked up from their dinner. I had just gotten back from ninjaing stuff and people. Everyone had managed to get hot baths, courtesy of Sasuke's fire jutsu (as had Tazuna's family), so they were in pretty good spirits.

"I thought we already had a plan?" Kurenai asked, sounding amused.

At least she was humoring me. I could work with that. Probably.

"A new plan, bigger and better with 75% more amazing." I pulled out a storage scroll, opened it up, and bit my finger to release the contents. A big poof of smoke, and stacks of Gato's files, papers and photographs were neatly arranged on the dinner table. Tazuna's eyes widened in astonishment.

Paradoxically, while ninjas were expected to be stealthy, in this world there was also the expectation of showmanship. I suppose it was only natural.

"The fruits of my labors, kids!"

Kurenai was scanning the papers on top, spoon full of fish stew temporarily forgotten, picking out bits of information with her keen scarlet eyes. "So what's the takeaway from this?"

"Gato is running arms, equipment, and supplies to both sides of the Mist civil war," I explained.

Kurenai blinked. "There's a civil war? I mean, it's not the most stable of countries, but last I heard the blood purges are over."

"Blood purges, yes- civil war, apparently not. A woman by the name of Mei Terumi is trying to overthrow the current kage. Interestingly, Zabuza went nukenin after trying a one person coup himself," I further explained. Kurenai tapped her chin thoughtfully, and locked her eyes onto me.

"That _is_ interesting. Tie it together for me."

"Gato is planning on selling information on the resistance to the Mizu-kage soon. Basically, sell them out by using his relationship with them," I said.

Kurenai frowned, and put the spoon in her mouth, thinking. "Well, too bad for them. Mist could probably use new management from what little information gets out." She gave me a look. "You aren't suggesting we interfere?"

"I'm suggesting that when we take him out, we grab all the intelligence we can and let someone at home figure out what to do with it. I mean, helping a revolution succeed sounds like fun, but it might be a bit over our paygrade."

I'm glad I went this route. After a few minutes of thinking about it, I realized there was little chance of convincing Kurenai that we should take part in extracurricular regime change. It would probably work, but it was crazy. If I didn't know the Plot, I doubt I would believe it was a good idea either.

Our genin had the good sense to be quiet and listen, thankfully. This was probably the wrong lesson to be teaching them, but I think when we got home I was probably going to get in enough hot water for them to understand the concept of 'mission creep'.

"So where did you get all of this anyway?" Kurenai asked. I grinned, just a bit smugly I'll admit.

"Gato's local base. He's not at home right now, unfortunately. He has an armed floating palace of a ship he cruises around in. He should pull into port in the next few days, depending on weather conditions. We could do a hit on the ship before it pulls into port. It would be a good learning exercise."

Kiba and Naruto both jumped to their feet, Akamaru barking happily with them.

"We're gonna' fight?" "Finally, some action!" The two genin bellowed.

Sakura rolled her eyes, "We all saw action just a few days ago!"

"I was a spider, it doesn't count," Naruto said pouting.

"And we were up against a jonin, and then he got smooshed," Kiba agreed.

Sakura just shook her head and ate more soup, muttering about 'hot blooded idiot boys'.

"It's not a _bad_ plan," Kurenai mused. "How will we get them all out there?"

I blinked. "Water walking…?"

Kurenai raised an eyebrow. "I haven't taught them that yet."

Oh. I suppose I was being fairly aggressive with my training time table. But not ridiculously so.

Kurenai looked thoughtful. "It will be helpful if we have to defend the bridge or Tazuna though. Let's see if we can get them to do it in time."

"Great!" I swept up the papers and shoved them onto a counter. "That soup smells great, I worked up a hunger."

I'd leave the papers out for Tazuna to sort through. Perhaps his business contacts could find something else for us to use.

••••••••••

The next morning we all set out bright and early to the work sight with Tazuna. Kurenai was going through the papers and guarding the site, whilst I would watch a bunch of kids fall in water.

"Naruto, make a few dozen clones and go help with labor," I ordered. Naruto grimaced in that fox-like way of his.

"What? Why?"

"Because a Hokage ought to know the basics of how construction works. That way you have an appreciation for infrastructure," I said. "That, and it's good practice with the jutsu."

The midget opened his mouth for a moment before sighing and creating a small horde of clones.

I turned to Tazuna. "He knows which end of a hammer to hold, but you might want to limit him to carrying stuff at first."

"I know how to deal with laborers," Tazuna snorted. "Go teach them your ninja magic."

I nodded. "Right. Follow me. It's time for the beach episode."

"Yay! Beach time, I want a ball!" Ringumo shouted, jumping up and down happily. The boys naturally all locked their eyes on her. I sighed. More training to do!

"You need to learn to water walk as a human too," I reminded. She pouted cutely.

"Poo. Fine."

We made our way down to the shore. Not particularly pretty: It was stoney, with choppy waves, rather than a sandy, sunny paradise. Reminded me a little of coastal Maine, actually. Oh well, work with what you're given.

"I'm not sure this counts as a beach," Shino mirrored my thoughts.

"Well… admittedly, it leaves a bit to be desired, but we're not here for fun," I stated.

I pulled out a scroll and produced a pile of silk shirts, grabbing two before sealing the rest up. I tossed them to Sakura and Hinata. "Alright, you're all getting wet today. I suggest stripping down, or you'll get water logged and make things harder for yourself. You'll also be learning how to regulate your body temperature with chakra."

"Doesn't Ringumo need one?" Kiba asked.

"Nope. I'm just wearing a genjutsu. It can't get wet."

Shino and Kiba went still for a moment, before blinking and stripping down to their underwear.

Sakura looked at the shirt in her hands indignantly, then back to me. "Why do I end up stripping so often on missions?"

I wasn't touching that with a ten foot pole. "So, my team already has started a bit on this, but I think we can get you all proficient with it in a few days. Ideally, we'd have a pond to start out with, but…" I shrugged. "Needs must."

I ran through the basics of the technique, and how it differed from tree climbing. Although it was second nature to me now, it honestly is a fairly difficult activity. Fluid is… well, it's not solid. And that changes things a bunch. You have to not only spread your weight out over the surface, but also kind of use your chakra to hold the water together.

Theoretically, if you had the chakra well of a jinchuriki and the control of Tsunade, you might be able to walk on air.

Probably still easier to use a wind jutsu.

Both Hinata and Sasuke were using their dojutsu to see what I was doing. That would help things along immensely. Ringumo already did this as a spider, almost instinctively, but she would need to relearn it as a human.

"So, since we don't want anyone drowning, each of you will be paired up with someone else," I stated. "This will also give you experience in teaching: Always a good thing."

Sakura raised her hand. I smiled.

"I've already made my choices, Sakura. You're with Shino."

"But-!" She tried, but I silenced her with a raised eyebrow.

"Naruto, Hinata. Kiba and Sasuke, with Ringumo."

"Score," Kiba muttered, even as Sasuke shot him a glare.

"Start shallow, just past the waves," I advised. They all wandered into the water, mostly looking unhappy. Except Ringumo, who was splashing around a bit.

Oh well. They'd appreciate it when they could walk on water.

••••••••••

**Sakura**

••••••••••

"So. I can kind of do it on flat water, but I don't have magic eyeballs, so I'm not certain how much help I'll be," I explained.

I was annoyed at sensei. He was always helping Naruto and Hinata get together, but could he pair me and Sasuke up? No. It wasn't like he was even being sneaky about it. Not to mention, I was almost naked again. At least he gave Hinata and I shirts.

It looks too tight on her.

Dammit, they were both my shirts, weren't they.

"Do not sell yourself short, Sakura. You are smart and loquacious. I doubt you will have problems explaining this."

I started and looked over at Shino. He adjusted his glasses, looking attentive. Even through his sunglasses, his gaze was very clearly fixed completely on me.

"Um, thanks. Well. We started on the edge of a pond before and used one foot until we could put weight on it… Let me try something."

I lifted my foot out of the sea and gently placed it on the slightly foamy surface. Focusing, I tried to push my chakra into and through my foot so that the water would kind of clump together, and I could push against it.

It was kind of working, but I was glad I had experience already, the water was moving, and I could vaguely feel my chakra washing away. I slowly put weight on it, until my other foot was off the stony bed.

I almost had my other foot out of the water when I suddenly was underneath. I was buffeted by the water, and even though I knew I was only in three or so feet of it, I found myself disoriented.

Hands grabbed me and hauled me up.

I sputtered and coughed. "I see why he wanted to make us have a partner for this," Shino said, still holding me so I could steady my legs.

I breathed hard for a few seconds, spitting out a last bit of sea water. "Today is going to suck."

Shino nodded. "It looked like you had the right idea though. We should both look out to sea, in order to watch for waves though. You were pushed under by a large one."

I had my breath back. "Right. So, you're going to try running the chakra kind of like in tree climbing, but imagine trying to stick a circle of water around your feet, distributing your weight across…"

••••••••••

**Sasuke**

••••••••••

Why did I always get stuck babysitting Ringumo? At this point, I'd seriously consider Sakura as a preferable training partner.

Kiba interrupted my train of thought. "So, you know what to do, right? Your sensei explained the theoretical, but…"

We had been practicing on still water. I wasn't even very good at it. No, to be honest, I couldn't do it. And now I had to teach others.

"Here. Lie on your back to start. You humans float like that anyway," Ringumo said, staring up at the sky.

"That defeats the purpose," I pointed out.

She chuckled. "We won't stay like this. You need to feel how it works. Didn't I hear Andoryuu say the bottom of the foot is the hardest spot to channel chakra through? So to start, channel it through your back. And your arms, and legs and hands! Once you figure out how to do that well enough to push you up to the very surface of the water, you'll find it much easier to work it out with your feet."

I blinked. Ringumo was always acting like a child, it threw me whenever she stopped.

"Just how old are you, Ringumo?" I asked.

"Hmm… That's kind of complicated. My Plane and yours run at the same speed, so there's no dilation, but our day cycles are longer, and we age differently. In human terms, I'd probably be … 15, 16?"

Kiba was failing to repress a grin, whereas I managed to keep my mouth shut. This _child_ was 16?

"Bwah?" Okay, I failed to keep my mouth shut as well.

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah, I know I act like a kid a lot-" Now she could read minds as well. Great. "Mostly because Mom and Andoryuu baby me so much. I was the last out of my egg, and I was a bit slow to grow. It gets frustrating at times, but I get away with a lot of things too, so…" she shrugged. "I've come to embrace it. I have a lot of fun."

My god, she's a natural ninja. Hide the truth. Make weakness strength.

"Plus Andoryuu always throws my ball, so… I'd do a lot for that." She looked at us both, grinning. "You'll keep my secret, right?"

Kiba nodded vigorously, and Akamaru fell into the water with a splash.

Ringumo stood up and pulled Akamaru out, into her arms. "Why don't you and I train? These two can figure it out, right?"

"Woof!"

I watched her carry the dog off about twenty feet before holding him on the water's surface.

"What just happened?"

Kiba shook his head. "I don't know, but I'm jealous of my dog."

••••••••••

**Naruto**

••••••••••

Dojutsu are amazing! Hinata caught on so quick by just looking at what I was doing. Pretty soon she was telling me what to do. And it worked!

"This is amazing, Hinata-chan! We're probably going to be the first ones done!"

Hinata smiled at me. I wonder if she's sick? She's got a really pale complexion, but she's usually flushed, all pink in the face.

I was barely standing on the water, holding hands with her, both of us wobbling slightly, as we rode up and down with the small waves that were constantly headed in.

It didn't help my concentration that Hinata looks very pretty dripping wet. And wearing a shirt that's probably in Sakura's size.

"Uh oh. Big wave coming."

Every minute or so a slightly larger wave would come. It got to be predictable, and we could just ride it out. Every five or ten minutes though, an even bigger one would come along. Neither of us could deal with those, you just had to fall in and let it go over, or risk getting tumbled around and breathing water.

She nodded, and I grabbed her by the waist, cutting off the chakra to my feet. We shot down to the beach bed, and she squeaked as we clung together, right before the wave shot over us, the water rushing past.

A few seconds later, I opened my eyes to see her looking back at me. My mouth felt dry, perhaps from all the salt. I idly noticed neither of us were letting go.

"Um." I stopped, unsure what to say.

Hinata let go suddenly, even more flushed in the face.

"W-we should have more time now."

I nodded, looking away. "Right. Won't see another of those for at least ten minutes."

••••••••••

**Sakura**

••••••••••

I was wrong. Shino is a great training partner. He listens, he's smart, he actually talks instead of grunting or rambling about ramen… He's even made several suggestions I hadn't thought of. I think we're progressing pretty well through this technique.

Somehow I found the two of us standing on the surface, gently undulating up and down with the rhythm of the sea, Shino standing behind me, his hands on my hips, as he focused on his chakra and my voice.

"Yes… okay… Just focus on the flow," I said carefully. "Just focus on it."

"I feel it. The flow rate must, in part, change in response to the pressure… I am going to lift a foot off."

I felt more weight on my hips, and compensated, before it went away again. I looked down, and saw only three feet holding us up.

"Ah, it is possible, but the chakra drain needed is not double, but slightly higher. Non-linear. So a higher surface area is more efficient. I suppose that is to be expected."

"But good to confirm," I nodded. "Let me try."

I slowly raised my foot opposite Shino's. We both wavered slightly before stabilizing.

"Would you say about 4.3 times?" I asked.

"Feels like four and a half to me, but you have very good control."

"With our chakra overlapping like this, we'll have to adjust slightly when we're more spread out. It will take even more."

"True, but while our techniques are bolstering each other, there is deconstructive interference as well, so while it may take more chakra, it should be easier to perform."

I blinked. "Oh, that's true. I hadn't thought of that."

This was fun. Perhaps sensei was right. Meeting others could broaden your horizons if nothing else.

••••••••••

**Sasuke**

••••••••••

Kiba and I were finally able to stand, even as the smaller waves went by. I had never noticed before, but the actual water doesn't move all that much. The waves were motion transmitted _through_ the water. Sure, it was moving some, but mostly up and down, not along the direction of the wave.

My sharingan were of immense utility, as I could tell Kiba when he was screwing up. I could also see and react to issues in real time for myself, as a wave came in, disturbing the fragile layer that kept me afloat.

I looked over at Ringumo. She was sitting cross legged on the water, petting Akamaru.

Who was also sitting on the water, seemingly without a care in the world.

"Are we seriously losing to your dog?"

Kiba looked over and smirked, as Ringumo ran her fingers through Akamaru's coat.

"In more ways than one, it seems. He is a _good boy_."

"Woof!"

Ringumo looked back at us and waved.

"You do realize she's actually a spider. Right?" I asked dryly. A gigantic, horrifying spider that found humans tasty.

"Yeah, but not at the moment. Right now, she's a hot teenage girl. Isn't that what's important? She seems nice enough, anyway."

I pondered that for a moment. It had a seductive logic to it, but I knew there had to be a flaw somewhere. Otherwise Sensei would have not been so uncomfortable around Jorougumo.

"She hasn't asked to harvest your blood," I finally replied.

"So part of you is in that body?" he finally looked slightly disturbed.

"Naruto as well."

I realised we both were staring at her.

"Huh. You two make cute girls when you add Hinata's chest on."

"That's _not_ how…" I sighed and shook my head, carefully stepping over, before kicking out his foot.

"Gah!-"

I got wet again in the resulting splash, but it was worth it.

Even when a hand grabbed my ankle and pulled me under.

••••••••••

**Tsume**

••••••••••

Fandangumo was doing a fine job fishing, and seemed to be having a lot of fun over on this side of the transdimensional divide, but ninja were not meant to live on fish alone.

I decided it was time to do a bit of hunting. There had to be something to eat. Well, probably. The natives had probably been working the island fairly clean. But, I was a jonin, right? I had survived in the Spider plane for weeks at a time completely on my own by hunting giant bugs. How hard could this be?

I was crouched on top of a tree limb in a forest not too far from the construction site. Maybe a couple miles. I was disappointed, honestly. There really weren't too many signs of prey. I'd have liked to bag a small island deer, or some coastal mangrove monkeys.

I couldn't catch what didn't exist. I finally came across a rabbit warren. So I sat on the tree, and spotted as many exits as possible.

"Right. Be vewy, vewy qwiet. I'm hunting wabbbit." I shot web out over several of the warren exits, then hopped down to another. A bit of chakra composition application and I coughed up a noxious fluid that I spit into the hole.

Unless I had been sloppy, there was only one exit left open.

Two minutes later, a half dozen grey blurs shot out of the tunnel. I smiled, my plan working. I spat out wads of sticky silk, nailing the rabbits before they could reach the underbrush.

Checking the other entrances, I found three more rabbits stuck to the webs over them. I plucked them out, and gave them an extra layer of web.

"Lord Frith was not kind today," I observed, a little Watership Down popping into my head. "But your people will not be destroyed."

I snapped their necks quick and painlessly, and gathered them together into a web bundle.

That was a good start, but if the woods were empty, perhaps some water fowl?

I proceeded back to the coastline with my bag of game. Rabbit was high in protein, but depending on the time of year, it had almost no fat. In fact, you could die from a diet of only rabbit. A duck would be a great compliment, duck fat falling just slightly short of goose as the most decadent of lipids.

Sadly, a quick run along the water line turned up several ibises and a spoonbill, even an egret, but nothing better than the rabbits I already possessed. It suggested that either the locals felt the same way about duck meat, or perhaps it wasn't duck season. I hefted my bag of dinner. Daffy finally had the last laugh.

••••••••••

I stepped into Tazuna's house, ready to share my bounty. "I've got rabbit!" I called out.

"Oh. One minute!" Tsunami's voice came from back in the house.

I slit open my impromptu tucker bag, and started pulling out my finds. Not jumbucks, perhaps, but they'd do.

"Oh, great!" Tsunami came into the kitchen. She was looking slightly flushed. "I can do a lot with these."

"Ah, you've returned with a successful hunt as well, Tsume-sama?" Fandangumo came from the back of the house. "I await dinner with gusto."

There was something… I took a quick look at him. Pink face. Clothes immaculate- but of course, they were genjutsu. Slightly elevated breathing.

I turned back to Tsunami. Elevated breathing, tousled hair, satisfied grin…

No wonder Fandangumo wanted to spend time over here.

Again, not with a ten foot pole.

"Well, I'll leave you to it, Tsunami-san. You will help her out with anything she needs, Fandangumo?" I asked with a smile. The spider-turned-human smiled back, just as politely but with a glint in his eyes that made Tsunami giggle.

"Of course."

"He's been most helpful," Tsunami said with a wide, beaming grin.

I'm sure. Oh well, if she's happy, and he is, I suppose I'm being a good spider sage?

I shut the door and shook my head. At least Tsunami wouldn't eat him. Though that was the least of my worries, really.

I came across Inari, who looked haunted. Oh dear.

"Hey kid. Want to learn some ninja stuff? Far away from here?"

He nodded, almost frantically. I was too late, apparently, but perhaps I could distract him. The midget needed cheering up anyhow. Hopefully he would have a decent life after the bridge was complete. I couldn't really replicate the kind of therapy-jutsu Naruto performed. I do have to wonder what prevented him from ranting here at the subject of Gato. I suppose there was twice as many of us...

Tsunami's giggle carried over from the kitchen, and Inari twitched.

I wondered no more.

"Let's go see Tazuna and my students. They're all learning how to walk on water. Well, not Tazuna." I held out a hand. Inari grabbed it and squeezed tight. I popped him up on my back and we were off.

••••••••••

A few flashsteps later and a quick jog deposited us at the work site. A quick check in with Kurenai and making sure the Naruto clones hadn't screwed anything up revealed nothing of interest, thankfully. My hunting had taken up a fair chunk of the day since it took so long to actually find anything. It was late afternoon by now, and I found our teams engaged in tag.

On the water.

I grinned. I hadn't really expected this much progress, but they did have two dojutsu users and Ringumo. It wasn't a particularly high speed game of tag, either. Someone had grabbed a pallet from the construction area and driven the planks down so they stuck out of the water and defined the game zone.

"Arf!"

"Agh! Leggo!" Naruto was being dragged down by Akamaru while Kiba slowly advanced up to him, one step at a time. The blond was trying to walk away, but it was hopeless with Akamaru hanging off his arm, distracting him.

"Fine then!" He bent over and stuck his arm under the water.

"Hey, don't do that!" Kiba shouted.

"All he has to do is let go, Kiba," Sasuke said, "It's perfectly fair."

Kiba sped up, trying to get closer to Naruto before Akamaru came up for air.

It wasn't to be however, as the small dog surfaced with a yap.

Kiba took a long leap, Naruto letting out a yelp as he tried to dodge. All three collided and ended up under water again.

"Does that count for Kiba or not?" Sakura asked.

I started clapping as the tangle of limbs broke the surface. Heads swiveled towards us.

"Impressive. You all are doing really well. I didn't really expect you all to get this far."

I saw several smiles appear at this. They should be proud. Now to see how far they had come.

"Line up at one end. We're going to have a race."

A few whoops let loose at this prospect, and everyone made their way over between two planks.

"No sabotage, I just want to see how far along everyone is. Maybe we'll try that in a few days time. On my mark. Three, two, one, go!"

You couldn't call it quick, really. It was a walking race really. Akamaru took an early lead, leaping off Kiba's head and prancing along, his light body allowing him a relatively easy time of it.

"Traitor!" Kiba barked.

Hinata and Sasuke were both putting their dojutsu to good work, breaking ahead of the humans. Ringumo was on their heels, with Sakura slightly ahead of Shino, who were both pulling ahead of Naruto and Kiba.

This did not go unnoticed by either of them.

"No way I'm coming in last!"

"That's my line!"

The two were getting pretty into it, though all that hot bloodedness might make them fall in if they weren't careful.

Hinata was first across the field, after Akamaru of course, with Sasuke only a few seconds behind.

Ringumo came across next with a comfortable lead before the next place, which seemed to go back and forth between Shino and Sakura several times. Sakura made it across the line just barely ahead though.

Pulling up the end though, Naruto and Kiba were really working hard, I had to admit. Several times they seemed to be on the edge of collapsing, but neither actually went under.

It looked like the extra experience Naruto had was going to carry the day for him, as they went into the final yards.

"No way!"

Kiba stopped and focused, and leapt the last few yards past the plank line, splashing into the water on the other side as Naruto stumbled over it himself.

I chuckled. "Looks like we have a tie for last."

"That can't count! He fell in!"

I shrugged. "Not until he crossed. All right, everyone. Time to get some food in us. Good work today."

••••••••••

After the race, we all got back to Tazuna's house to the smell of dinner. The fare was simply prepared, but I think all of us were drooling slightly by the time we were cleaned up and sat down.

Roast turnips and slightly stunted diakon radishes sat next to their greens, while we had several rabbits and fish assembled for the small horde of growing (and grown) ninja, as well as our hosts.

We all tucked in, and chatter crossed the table freely.

I ate with satisfaction at my small successes. Our teams were talking to each other almost as much as within themselves.

"Tomorrow, instead of hunting, you and I need to come up with a strategy in case we have to meet Zabuza. Neither of us can go toe to toe with someone like that," Kurenai spoke up, putting a bit of a dampener on my good spirits.

She was right, I couldn't assume everything would go without a hitch. As rookie Jounin, we really had no hope of just overpowering him with brute strength.

I nodded. "Right. I think enough of our skills work pretty well together. We can figure something out."

Kurenai smiled at something, and I turned my head to see Akamaru snatch a bit of rabbit off Naruto's plate.

"Hey, that's mine!"

"You failed to practice constant vigilance," I chuckled.

"I'll vigilance him all right," he mumbled, taking another piece from the pile.

I grinned. It all felt downright domestic in here.

••••••••••

Everyone was getting ready for bed, a bit of a production with 11 people and two bathrooms. It was to the point that I sent Ringumo and Fandangumo back for the night. Fandangumo probably needed to check back in with the web line anyway.

"Naruto. We need to talk." Sakura whispered in the hallway, dragging a frowning Sasuke behind her. He blinked, then seemed to lose his annoyance.

"What?" Naruto asked at full volume.

Sakura closed her eyes and looked up in the air. "Hush! We need to hash out a few things. Follow me."

Naruto sighed, but started following Sakura. I heard the front door gently open and shut.

Kurenai stuck her head in the room with an inquisitive look, eyebrow raised.

I nodded. "This was going to happen sooner or later," I said in a low voice. "He couldn't bust out the red chakra and not have them be completely oblivious. I'll supervise."

She frowned, and nodded, her head retreating back out of the room.

I popped the window open, and hopped out. My students weren't being particularly stealthy, perhaps thinking that they were home free having made it outside without being stopped. I'd have to correct that at some point, but it was useful to me at the moment.

I followed their footsteps at a distance, and suddenly became aware there was another predator stalking my prey.

They stopped about a hundred yards from the house. I positioned myself nearby in the trees.

"So what's all this about?" Naruto demanded.

"I want some answers. What happened in the fight with the spiders?" Sakura asked, arms folded in front of her.

"We kicked ass?" Naruto responded, smiling uneasily. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Bullshit, you don't. That's not how you felt at dinner the other night. I just want to understand." Sakura placed her hands on her hips, glaring.

Naruto cringed. "Can we not do this?"

Sasuke was standing on the sidelines spectating. I wondered what was going on in his head. Even for a jounin, it was hard for me to read the kid. I knew he had no ill intent towards Naruto, more curiosity, but that didn't narrow things down much.

"When we were in the prison," Sakura continued, "and you and Mizuki were arguing, sensei said you would had something to tell us when you felt like it. When is that going to be?"

"Not now," Naruto stated, blunt as a hammer. Sakura scowled back.

"That's not good enough! If you're going to explode into red chakra from time to time, we should know why. What the hell is that about? Is it a kekkei genkai, or what? Sasuke, help me out here."

Sasuke frowned. "I'm curious too. But I understand not wanting to share things. Still, this affects the team."

"Since when do you care about the team, asshole?" Naruto bit back angrily.

"Hey, I've cared about the team," Sasuke insisted.

"Oh yeah, when? When we're useful?"

Sasuke glared back silently.

Sakura snorted. "Why can't you let us know?"

"Because I do care about the team. And you'd get angry or scared and it would all fall apart!" Naruto insisted, turning to glare out at the mists. Sakura growled in frustration, restraining herself from lashing out physically.

"How do you know?" she demanded.

Naruto turned around. "Well, your basic responses to things are curiosity, googly eyes, or punching. You're managing two at once at the moment."

Things were not going well. I leapt down behind our other visitor. She jumped, and looked back at me.

"Ah- you knew I was here?" Hinata asked, eyes almost glowing in the pale light of the stars.

I could still hear the argument. "He needs you. You can do this. You've been trying since you got here."

She bit her lip, and nodded.

I gave an encouraging smile. "Go on. Oh, and I'm not here." I leapt up into the trees again.

I watched her fidget nervously for a few seconds before she took a deep breath and started walking forwards.

"Well maybe I'm not ready yet because I knew you two would act like this!" Naruto shouted.

Sasuke looked towards the tree I was currently hiding in. "Who's there?"

Everyone froze. Even me. Hey, the best can make mistakes.

It turned out though I hadn't needed to worry. Hinata stepped out into the moonlight, her face set in determination.

"Naruto, no one's going to be angry, or afraid. They shouldn't be anyway," Hinata whispered, her voice carrying across the quiet scene. She walked up to the trio, willing herself step by step.

Naruto took half a step back. "Shouldn't... isn't won't."

Hinata kept walking forwards. "How could anyone who knows you be afraid?"

"Maybe it's pretty frightening. I-I mean… Sometimes…" Naruto's voice dropped into a mumble, at Sasuke's look, "I'm scared."

"I'm not," Hinata stated. Naruto shook his head, as Hinata continued to step towards him.

"You don't know what's inside me," he whispered.

The two were almost face to face. She took deep, even breaths, centering herself before she spoke again.

"I can see chakra pathways. And your seal. I figured it out a while ago, Naruto. It just makes you more amazing."

There was silence.

"Then you can tell us," Sakura said.

Sasuke let out his breath. "I thought girls were supposed to be romantics," he mumbled. Sakura shot him a glare. Hinata shook her head.

"No. I can't. There's a law, isn't there?" She asked Naruto.

Well. I hadn't expected this to happen. Since when had she known?

"Um. Well. Yeah?" Naruto was clearly shaken.

"A law? About Naruto? That makes no sense," Sakura muttered. Sasuke grunted in agreement, crossing his arms over his chest.

True. The whole law thing was absurd. And never enforced, except for the most blatant offenders. It hadn't happened for over a decade. I'm kind of surprised she even found out about it, but it is written down in the law books. Which is even more absurd, but once you start having unwritten laws, that sets a pretty bad precedent.

"Just tell them. They're your friends," Hinata said encouragingly, managing to reach out and touch his shoulder. She still turned red, but she held on.

Naruto swallowed. "I… fine."

He took a deep breath. "You can't kill a tailed beast, I guess? So the Fourth Hokage didn't. He sealed it inside a baby. As a kind of cage."

"But that's not at all what we were taug…" Sakura trailed off as the implications of this scattered through her mind. Her eyes widened, and her jaw dropped. A million different thoughts raced through her head, a million connections into one conclusion. I could almost see the synapses firing behind her eyes.

"Hnn," Sasuke grunted.

There was more silence.

"What? How…? What?" Sakura seemed to have broken.

"I suppose this explains a lot," Sasuke spoke first. He gave Naruto a more measured look: Almost respectful. "You aren't going to explode into a giant fox any time soon, right?"

"I hope not. I didn't get a manual," Naruto frowned. "I'm not sure what it actually does for me. Except I have a ton of chakra. And maybe I get claws when I'm mad? I should probably ask sensei if he knows anything."

"And are either of you mad? Or scared?" Hinata asked, still looking at Naruto.

Sasuke shrugged. "I'm not scared of Naruto. Who would be?" Naruto scowled, but Sasuke kept going. "I can't say I'm thrilled he has no clue why or how he started doing… whatever he did. That could go off in his face like a bad tag. And our faces. And whichever country he's standing in. I'm pretty mad no one talked to him about this."

Naruto blinked a few times, as though not sure Sasuke wasn't an enemy ninja under a henge. "Um, thanks?"

Sasuke shrugged again. He looked over at Sakura. She started, shaken out of her thoughts. She glanced back to Naruto, and then back to Sasuke, and back once more.

"What? Oh. Um. I- I don't know? Uh. I… I need some time." She started walking back to the house like a zombie.

"You mustn't tell anyone. Literally, there's a law," Hinata reminded her.

Sakura paused. "Right." She kept walking.

Well. That could have gone better. Or much, much worse. I suppose I shouldn't have expected for them to just laugh it off. They didn't have the perspective needed, nor did Naruto have the right arguments. That could change with time though.

The three genin stood there for a bit, silent and awkward. Sasuke grunted, seeing how close Hinata and Naruto were.

…

"Well. I'm going to sleep, unless you have some further earth shattering news to drop," Sasuke said, still sarcastic but not as biting as he usually would have made it.

"Uh, I think I'm out?" Naruto replied. He looked dazed, as if he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Poor kid.

"Right then," Sasuke decided, tersely. He turned, and followed Sakura's path back towards the house.

Hinata and Naruto were left alone in the silence. I held my breath. Finally, unexpectedly… It was Hinata who broke it, looking in concern at her crush.

"Are... You all right?" She whispered. Naruto sighed deeply, looking so much older now.

"I don't know," he admitted. Hinata bit her lower lip, and stepped closer.

"Could… could we hug?"

Naruto looked at her in astonishment, and it occured to me that he'd rarely ever received hugs.

"I… Y-yeah," he managed, with a slow nod.

They hugged. Well, Naruto sort of collapsed into Hinata who caught him, and then her face went the color of cooked lobster, and they ended up on the ground.

Well, they weren't dead, but they weren't moving either.

This was awkward.

…

"Thank you."

"... I always admired your determination. If you failed, you never let that stop you from trying again. And again. And eventually you would always succeed."

"You admired me?"

"Yeah."

"... Oh. … This is nice."

"Y-Yeah…"

A few more moments of silence.

"Um… Hinata-chan?"

"Y-Yes, Naruto-kun?"

"We haven't been on three dates yet, but uh… C-Can we… Be boyfriend and girlfriend?"

Hinata's whole body lit up in a blush, and she stuttered out her answer out of eagerness rather than timidity.

"Y-Y-Yes!"

Naruto smiled back, nearly blinding in its radiance. "Okay!"

They continued to lay there, hugging tightly, whispering back and forth. It was honestly so heartwarmingly adorable I nearly lost my lunch, but I kept up my watch.

Sooner or later they'd go back in, right?

I lay back on the branch. I was responsible for them, it might be a late night.


	14. Chapter 14

Another dawn rose on Wave, and with it, our heroes. Myself included.

Thankfully, I didn't have to lie in the tree too long. Not that I'm unpracticed at it, but I still prefer a futon or a mattress. Naruto and Hinata went back inside after about ten minutes. I managed to beat Naruto back to our room, so hopefully only Hinata ever knew I was there.

They're cute really. Puppy love. In a few years though, Hiashi was going to have high blood pressure, assuming he couldn't see how good they were together.

Kurenai passed by, eager to know what happened.

"I think it went well enough. I'm iffy on Sakura."

She nodded, "She seemed a bit dazed when she came in. Hinata seemed to float in," she trailed off, inviting me to share more. "After Sakura," she finished with a stinger.

"It seems they've formalized their relationship. Well, as formal as things get at that age," I confirmed her suspicions.

"Hah! Good for her. And him." She headed down stairs rather more exuberantly than I had expected the news to make her.

"Kurenai-san," I began, giving her a glare, "you didn't… _bet_ on the outcome of this relationship, did you?"

She stopped short, going stiff. "Of course not!" She laughed nervously.

I sighed. She totally had.

"When were you going to cut me in?" I asked. Hey, a man has his priorities.

Kurenai paused. "... Sixty-forty and you keep quiet?"

"I literally pushed her at him last night. … Fine." I was just poking fun, this wasn't worth arguing over. "I do want to know who's running it though, I need to place a few bets of my own."

"Do you know Hayate Gekko?"

I blinked, not having expected the name. "Not well. I've seen him around a few times. Thanks."

"Get the munchkins training, and then we need to come up with a strategy for Zabuza," she reminded.

"Right."

Breakfast was eaten, and I resummoned Ringumo and Fandangumo. Things progressed much like the previous day, with our students polishing water walking while Kurenai and I made battle preparations and watched over the build site.

After lunch, one of the workers was causing something of a stir, so Kurenai and I went to check it out.

"I'm telling you he's definitely coming today, maybe tonight! There's a ton of activity at the port, and I recognized some of his men. Shouldn't we get ready?" The worker was talking to Tazuna, who shook his head.

"I got ready when I hired Konoha ninja. They've got a plan, they'll take care of us. If we start making barricades and putting pots on our heads that will just draw attention to- ah! Kurenai-san, Tsume-san. It sounds like things might come to a head soon."

"Perhaps. The ninja they hired won't be healed yet," I reminded.

"Assuming he is alive," Kurenai added. "Still, we will protect you all and the bridge. Don't do anything rash. We have a plan of defense, and no, we won't be explaining it."

I tried to see if anyone looked disappointed. A few workers looked frustrated, but I suppose I would be too if I were in their position. If anyone was spying for Gato, they were competent enough not give it away under passive observation.

Not a particularly high bar to clear, but it was surprising how easily espionage fell apart occasionally.

I hoped the kids had figured out water walking. It was time to hunt.

••••••••••

"All right!"

I was standing in front of our genin (and Ringumo), with a formation plan behind me, holding a stick in the crook of my back in my best Patton imitation. It would be lost on them, but one has to have fun somehow.

"The eight of us are going to board Gato's ship sometime this evening. We will disable or kill any look outs. I will capture and interrogate Gato, and we will acquire any papers or intelligence on site. He will have guards, mostly standard mercenaries, but we shouldn't rule out a genin or chunin, maybe two tops." I swatted the plan with my stick, pointing at the features. They were held onto the wall of Tazuna's house with webbing and various web strands connected the entire mess together. Ringumo had "helped" by applying crayon marks to many of the diagrams.

"This is the rough plan to the ship. It's not perfect, but we can see it has three decks. Engineering is over here in case there's an emergency, but we shouldn't need to mess with it. Quarters are here. The biggest room will be Gato's of course. Cargo is here, again, shouldn't be an issue unless we get some stragglers. Communications and the helm will be up here.

"For this, we'll have some ground to cover, and plenty of places for hostiles to hide, so we won't be using our standard teams of three. Instead, you'll be split into three pairs to search and disable crew and Gato's guards. Since team eight specialises in scouting and tracking, I want Sasuke and Kiba together, Hinata with Naruto, and Sakura with Shino. I'll have Ringumo, while Fandangumo will stay at the house while Kurenai protects the bridge and client. If you find a chunin or are outnumbered by genin, disengage and try to regroup with another pair or pairs. Remember, plans usually fall apart quickly, so this is pretty loose, and we'll deviate as situations arise. Any questions?"

Naruto's hand leapt up. "Does the ship have cannons? And does this make us pirates?"

I was silent for a moment. And then smiled.

"Yes. And yes. We pull this off, we'll be pirates. Pirate _ninjas_. Hey, if you lose a hand, you could also be a cyborg!"

Naruto frowned, "Wha- um, no thanks?"

I shrugged. "Suit yourself. You're still not allowed rum."

It was impossible to miss the looks exchanged between the Team Kurenai members.

Shino's hand went up. "How many crew are needed to operate a vessel of this size?"

"Fifteen to thirty. It's fairly advanced," I stated, then shrugged. "The problem will be how many passengers it can hold. It's got passenger berths, and depending on how he's arranged things, the cargo hold could be fitted for holding people, which could mean more troops. This is just the base schematic."

Sakura put her hand up next. "How far out will we strike it? We all can water walk now, but none of us have truly mastered it."

I frowned, it was a good point. Too far out and they would be tired. Too far in and everyone would be alert for docking procedures. "We'll have to play it slightly by ear. If it's dark, or dusk, we can wait for it to come in closer. If it arrives before dusk, we'll need to attack farther out. Worst case, I can make a raft out of silk or something."

No more hands went up.

I smiled. "Well then. Until then and now, we should review our abilities in order to understand how best to work with one another. I know both teams know their own abilities fairly well, but if we all have to fight together, we'll synergize better knowing what everyone else can do."

"So what _can_ you do besides have spiders leap on people's faces and spray web around," Naruto asked.

I sighed. "I showed you my hydraulic movement technique. My style mainly focuses on mobility. I'm not really who I want you all to interact with though. There's time for that later," I explained. "Naruto. Go over all the jutsu you know."

"Really?" he asked with a bit of a whine. "Fine. I know the campsite jutsu you taught us, and-"

"Which are? Kurenai probably taught them as well, but we don't know that yet."

The blond rolled his eyes. "An electric jutsu for charging small devices, another for creating a small light, a fire one for starting fires, a water one for condensing drinking water out of the air, an earth one for making latrines, how to activate storage or other seals, and… oh, and a wind one for... making wind."

"Drying clothes primarily, though you can push campfire smoke around with it too. Next."

"I make shadow clones. I think everyone's familiar with them by now."

I nodded. I'd give him that.

"I can do the excavation technique, which lets me and my clones go underground. And of course- Sexy Jutsu!"

"Good. I should point out that… 'sexy' jutsu is a real transformation. Not a genjutsu. Team 8, one of you next. Um, Shino."

He nodded. "By now everyone knows I use insects in most of my techniques. I can make more believable clones with my bugs, that can trap enemies that get into melee range with them. I have other similar techniques, mostly to do with getting my kikaichu bugs onto an opponent so they can be sapped of chakra. Kurenai-sensei also taught us the campfire jutsu. I also have the bunshin, kawarimi, and henge."

Naruto pouted, having clearly forgotten to mention them. Although I wasn't certain if he could perform a standard henge still.

"My kikaichu bugs allow me to track well, and I keep one on all my team members during missions in case someone is attacked or captured. I have extended this to team seven as well for the duration of the mission."

Sakura blinked, and Sasuke's eyes were shut in a grimace. Naruto looked at them and started chuckling.

"You put kikaichu bugs on us?" Sakura asked, her voice on edge.

"Of course. It is standard practice during a mission," Shino explained.

Sasuke was fidgeting slightly.

"Come on," I tried, "this can't be any worse than the spider realm, right guys?"

Sakura walked over and grabbed Hinata by the arm, dragging her off a ways.

Some hushed whispering ensued.

"... …"

"Nowhere objectionable, I promise, Sakura."

"Shh! … ..."

"If I told you, then you'll take it off."

"Rrrrr... Fine!"

The two trudged back, Sakura still unhappy, and Hinata poking her fingers together.

"You could have told us to begin with!" she said with a growl. Perhaps she was still on edge from last night.

Shino shrugged. "Apologies. Most Konoha ninja are familiar with it. I'll try to remember if we work with team ten."

"Sakura, why don't you go next, since you're so energetic."

"That's not ener- ugh. Right. Okay, the academy three, the camping jutsu, a basic healing jutsu, a fascination genjutsu-"

Kiba snorted.

"- that you're all familiar with," she said with a grin. "And I can make explosive tags."

"Bark!"

"I agree," I faked, "Kiba _should _be next."

"That's not what he said," Kiba frowned.

"Oh? What did he say?" I inquired.

Kiba looked at Sakura and swallowed, deciding not to translate. "I can turn bestial, and make Akamaru more human shaped. We can do combination attacks like that which are more powerful. We can perform a drilling attack, either separately, or together, and we can blind fight with our sense of smell. I like to use special odorless smoke bombs in order to obstruct vision, which is helpful for our whole team. Shino can kind of blind fight, but only when he's got a kikaichu bug on an enemy. I'm great at tracking, but not as good as Akamaru. We've gone over the basic stuff already," he bent down and patted Akamaru.

"Hinata?" I prompted.

"I-I'm mostly an in-fighter with my gentle fist style, which can seal off chakra points and coils. My Byakugan allows me to see almost everything around me, including chakra, and through obstacles."

"That's not all there is to it, right?" She was doing better already, but Hinata still needed encouragement occasionally.

"Ah, I can see through most genjutsu, and I can fake blind fighting since I don't need light in most circumstances. I can also tell the difference between clones and people."

"There you go. Much better," I grinned. I looked at Sasuke.

"I have a few fire jutsu, and I'm working a bit with wire techniques. I just had my sharingan awaken, so I'm able to predict movements and see chakra. Almost all of your clan techniques are safe by the way, so don't freak out and think I'm going to steal them. I mean, I _might_ be able to do Kiba's beast form, or I could imitate gentle fist, but there's not really any point if I don't have the supporting techniques and skills."

"What do you mean, you _might_ be able to copy my beast human clone?" Kiba asked with a slight scowl.

Sasuke shrugged. "The sharingan is very powerful. But my clan over promoted it as well. It can't copy techniques that require blood limits."

"Kiba and I don't have blood limits," Shino said dryly.

Sasuke snorted. "You host insects throughout your body, and you don't think you have a blood limit? Trust me, my clan had a _large_ vested interest in this topic. I'm sure in the last decade our knowledge has been superseded by medical nin, but we used to be the foremost experts on blood limit theory. Most clans have one. For example, no one in my clan's history has ever been able to control shadows like the Nara clan, despite many attempts."

"Huh. Learn something new every day," I said. "I hope that gives everyone a better idea how to fight with one another. I want you all to do a little bit more water walking practice, and talk to one another about how you might fight together. Collaborate. I'll be doing the same thing with Kurenai."

••••••••••

Fifteen hundred arrived, and found us all on a water tower in the docks. I looked over the dock yard. Amongst the squat warehouses, a few lookout posts and towers speared the sky. There were several dozen workers hauling crates and barrels hither and yon, probably in preparation for Gato's arrival. I would need to take out a few spotters and the radio room right before the attack. I didn't want to have to make up responses back to the boat, I'd let them do their jobs.

Otherwise we would be leaving them alone. For now anyway. They couldn't really do anything without boats, and Gato had taken care of that for us. Even if any of them got a clever idea, Kurenai was watching the workers, and Fandangumo was watching the town.

Really, there was nothing to do but wait.

So we had a picnic.

I even made a silk umbrella.

… I might not be as cool as Kakashi, but I'm a hell of a lot nicer.

••••••••••

The afternoon rolled on, and turned to dusk. No green flash as the sun hit the horizon.

That's a real thing by the way, it's just dependant on atmospheric conditions, not magic compases.

A bit of fog rolled in with the temperature change. All the better. Not too thick, just perfect. The salty air filled our nostrils, a low breeze crossing from the sea: Not strong enough to push the fog banks away, just enough to keep the sounds of the dock in our ears.

Everyone was sitting fairly close, the light breeze that had earlier been a relief now slowly sapped away your body heat.

"Is that it?" Shino asked. It had been the first chatter we'd had in over an hour.

Sasuke followed his finger, activating his sharingan. Hinata had yet to develop her byakugan to see that far yet. "I can tell it's a large ship. Can't make the details out at this distance."

I shrugged. "No one else is coming here. It's not exactly a travel destination. We'll let it get in closer. The fog and twilight will work for us."

Eventually it made its way in closer, and I stretched out my arms and rolled my shoulders, grinning in anticipation.

"Sit tight kids, I'll be back."

I ran towards the edge of the tower, towards the next highest building, and leapt off.

I heard a few gasps before I swung away, carried in a beautiful parabola by my spider silk. I could manifest the webbing with only two hand seals now: Something I had to develop in the Spider Plane and never, ever stopped practicing. All for moments like this.

I hadn't had a chance to really let loose since 'I' arrived. I had visited training fields now and again outside of team time, but my style is all about mobility.

It was good to be in the air again.

Swinging from grapple lines isn't easy. Even if you can make them on the fly. You don't want to hit where you're going, because you'll swing straight into a wall. Now I could tank hitting a wall, but it basically kills all your momentum. And if you want to go somewhere farther off, then you need to keep moving. So really, you need to aim to the sides of the direction you want to go, and sort of vector your way to the destination.

Spiderman makes it look easy.

He also always has conveniently located cranes and stuff to thwip at. Sometimes they just stick to air, I'm pretty sure.

I had aimed well, off to the side of where I was running, and swung gracefully towards the radio tower. This time I tagged the top of it directly. There's a period of time, sometimes very brief, although sometimes nonexistent, where you're holding two weblines, and letting them tug you in two directions. You have to play one or both out, or tug.

Unfortunately, I don't get to do this often. It's fun, but very tricky, and unless I'm in a place like the forest of death, or the spider plane, there usually aren't enough tall anchors for me to use. And unlike Spiderman, I can just shunshin of course.

I landed against the middle of the radio tower, near the observation and broadcast room. A few quick leaps got me off the girders and onto the platform by the door. It wasn't locked. Unsurprising really. It takes a fair amount of discipline to keep up an annoying security feature for years when nothing ever happens.

Inside were two men seated in front of com equipment, with a good view of most of the docks. I snuck up slowly on the ceiling as they muttered to each other about how bored they were, and one knocked a bit of ash from his pipe into an ashtray. I reached down and took hold of their heads, letting them look up in shock. I grinned back down.

"Goodnight." I slammed them together, their heads making a thudding noise. Ah, the old double coconut knockout. A classic.

An application of webbing stuck them to the floor, and another on the edge of the door on my way out would prevent anyone without tools from getting in.

Similar antics quickly took care of two more guard towers, before I landed back on top of the water tower.

"You've never done that before!" Naruto said, almost accusingly.

My eyebrow went up. "Should I have?"

"Yeah, it's cool!"

"I can do lots of things you haven't seen. Let's go. Stay tight in this fog." I looked at Ringumo and patted my shoulder. She grinned, before changing back to her spider form and jumping up to her perch.

We all ran down the side of the tower, quickly crossed to the edge of the dock, and got to the water's edge. This would be the tricky bit. They couldn't fall this distance without ending up underwater.

I spat out several web lines before jumping down, and the kids rappelled down to the water's surface. A few seconds later, and we were all walking out to the boat.

Walking, since the genin still couldn't really run. I was pretty proud still. It wasn't easy doing this on the open ocean, and we hadn't had much time to prepare.

The mass of the vessel loomed over us like a great whale, ominously black even in the twilight afforded by the mists. The electric lantern lights overhead were faint, barely able to pierce through and let the crew see where they were going. I glanced over at Hinata. She nodded, and activated her Byakugan.

She made hand signals: Five men on the forward section of the ship, ten men on the aft. One just above us. I nodded, and took the lead, climbing up the side of the ship with chakra. The genin followed, creeping up and staying below me.

I crept silently, coming right up to the top of the deck. The man was leaning against the rail, looking inattentive as he smoked. I glanced at Ringumo, and she scampered up my arms. I reached out and seized him, covering his mouth at the same moment Ringumo bit his neck, driving her venom into his veins. He shuddered and struggled briefly, before I yanked him over the side and into a web net. I tied it off, and with another web shot stuck the improvised cocoon to the hull. The man struggled for a bit more, before ceasing. I glanced over at Ringumo, who was smiling as only a spider can.

I looked down at my students. I pointed at Sasuke and Kiba, directing them forward. They nodded, silently hull crawling along the ship side. I motioned to Naruto and Hinata to head aft, and they too headed off. I motioned to Sakura and Shino, and they followed me up and over the side.

We slid down onto the deck: Fortunately there was plenty of cover in the form of tied down crates and supplies. The crew were scattered across the deck, at most in pairs. Most clustered around the lights. Three were playing cards in the direct center, over a hatch leading down into the depths of the flagship.

I immediately decided they would be last. I motioned to Shino to get his bugs on the way, and he nodded. With soft buzzing sounds, the destruction bugs flew low like smoke from Shino's jacket under the cover of the interspersed shadows. To my right, there was the cry of one of the sailors. The three in front of us all started, looking toward the aft section. I sighed.

"Change of plans, " I muttered. I fired off three Webbing lines with the Wind Bullet jutsu to give them extra speed, and yanked all three sailors towards us. Sakura stood up and hit one, her strength, though modest for a ninja, was enough to drive him into the desk and out cold. Shino's insects enveloped the next one, his cries silenced as the destruction bugs injected him with venom and made him pass out. And I didn't do anything too fancy to the last guy: Just webbed up his mouth and knocked him out with a punch across the temple.

I shot a glare at Naruto as he and Hinata emerged from the right. Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Sorry. There were a lot of them and one of them made a noise before we got him," he murmured. Hinata blushed. I sighed and shrugged, as Sasuke and Kiba joined us from the forward section of the ship.

"Well, can't be helped. Let's get going," I ordered. I lifted the hatch open, and gestured us all in. "Hinata?"

Her veins bulged as she used her Byakugan to scan the ship. "G-Gato is in the mid-rear section. So is most of the crew. There are a few men in the engine room. Cargo hold seems empty of people."

"All right. We'll take care of Gato first, and then take each group individually," I stated. "Remember: We want Gato alive. The rest? Bring them down non-lethally if you can, but if you have to…?"

I nodded, and got nothing but nods back. I smiled grimly. "Move out."

We kept Hinata in the middle of us as we entered the ship. She swept around constantly, scanning as we headed aft through the dull gray interior on mostly wooden floors. Kiba and Akamaru kept their keen ears and noses on the alert as we walked down the metal corridor, our steps virtually silent against the hum of the ship's engines.

Sasuke and Naruto took the lead, Naruto forming hand seals to create a few clones to fan out while crawling on the bulkheads like spiders. I gave him an encouraging smile, one he returned.

Hinata held up a hand, and we all stopped. She pointed at the junction ahead of us, towards the port side. I nodded, and looked over at Sasuke and Naruto. Naruto grinned, and I spotted some of his clones heading down the ceiling above us. Sasuke moved forward as well, hugging the wall. We all heard the footsteps of the target… And Naruto's clones got the drop on him. Literally.

"URK!" He cried, falling to the deck as several blonds dogpiled him. Sasuke lashed out, sticking a nerve point and the sailor was out cold. The Naruto clones hefted up the heavy sailor, and I shot webbing to stick him up onto the ceiling.

"Very lackluster security," I observed softly. "Still... stay alert, everyone."

Maybe I was being overly cautious. But I hadn't survived this long by being sloppy.

We made it to what Hinata identified as the mess hall. There were the sounds of merriment… before a loud buzzer went off.

"Ceiling!" I hissed. We all leaped up to the ceiling, sticking and pressing ourselves against the hard metal bulkhead. Sakura, without being told, quickly cast a genjutsu over us all to blend in. Just in time, as the hatch was slammed open and numerous armed mercenaries and soldiers charged out. They headed in the direction of the cargo bay, excitedly yelling and chanting and growling. All heedless of us above them.

Geez. No wonder Batman had such an easy time of it.

I glanced over at Hinata. She nodded, and signed that Gato was in there. With two guards. I nodded, and looked at Ringumo. She grinned at me, practically chomping at the bit to get in there. I shook my head. I bit my thumb and made the seals for the Summoning Jutsu.

I had someone else in mind for this job.

With a poof of smoke, my summon appeared. Even my own genin, after seeing the Spider Plane in all its horrible beauty, cringed at his appearance.. The gigantic arachnid burst into the stateroom, easily knocking aside the two guards within. An older man yelped in terror, just before my summon trapped him between his giant claws. We all dropped down, and I casually shot off webbing to pin the two bodyguards to the deck. I smiled broadly at the small man in the nice suit, who looked like a compact parody of every Japanese gangster ever.

"Mister Gato, I presume?" I asked.

My summon, a gigantic Amblypygi, made an approximation of a grin with his pedipalps.

"I do good, Ando-kun? I do good?" He asked in a low, friendly voice. I nodded, and patted him on the head.

"Very good, Babukun! You didn't crush him this time!"

"Babu..?" Sakura began.

"Kun?" Naruto finished.

"Hi!" Babukun said happily, waving his other legs and smacking one of the bodyguards. "Oops!"

"Check him, Sakura," I said. Gato shook his head rapidly.

"Whoever you're working for, I can double his price! Triple!"

"We're not interested in money, asshole," Naruto growled.

"Let him go easy, Babukun, I need this one tied up so he can answer some questions."

"Yessir!"

Shino was on him immediately with the rope, and had him trussed up quickly.

Babukun wasn't technically a spider. Nor was he a sunspider, like the Juro clan frequently used for combat. He was, well... hideous. I say this as someone who can hug a human sized spider.

Imagine a fairly large body, with six thin legs and giant whip like antenna. Six, I hear you ask. Yes. Because the front legs became massive 'jaws' that look like someone grabbed praying mantis claws, added more spikes, articulated them, and stuck them on the front of a spider in a horrible parody of jaws.

His species isn't too bright, not being true spiders, and thus just missing the genetic lottery in the spider plane, but I use him for intimidation. It rarely fails.

I looked around. The living quarters should be just off of this section, and it would probably be where I found the office as well.

"On me," I said, grabbing the rope and dragging Gato along on the floor, the genin and summons following me.

"What are you doing? Surely we can talk about this? I can outbid any contracts you've taken!"

I walked down the passageway, swinging door hatches open to see their contents. "I'm sure you can. Don't worry, we'll be talking about this, that and the other soon enough, we just need to find your work space so I can- ah! Here we are."

We walked into a room full of file drawers, two desks, and ostentatious decorations hanging on the walls. An overly decorated katana crossed with the sheath mounted under a gilded silk fan. A detailed painting of a couple in congress on a large bed. I had to admit, the vase was actually nice, pity it was surrounded by so many gaudy knick-knacks… That dagger would probably bend if you tried stabbing someone with it. If it wasn't in a case, I'd think it was a letter opener.

I shook my head. "Alright. I imagine you've been on the other side of this, but here's how this works. I'm going to ask you questions, you will answer them. I will start reading these files, and if I find out you've been lying, my summon will start gnawing on you. Starting with the feet and hands."

"You always bring me on fun missions Ando-kun!"

"I can make you very-"

"Wealthy. Yes. The thing is, we have you. We have your records. I can take these back and we'll have your network. We have magic, mister Gato, we can empty your accounts or hijack your empire. Your cooperation will buy your life, but ultimately that is unnecessary. Just convenient. We can dump you off at some port with a few of your guards and enough money to find your way. Or you can be nibbled on, and then thrown overboard. Take your pick."

"What? After all the horrible things he's done?" Naruto shouted.

I rolled my eyes. I should have gone over this with everyone, but I would have thought even Naruto would understand how this went.

"His cooperation will be convenient enough. Yes."

Hinata pulled him back and whispered in his ear. He blinked, and frowned. "He should be in prison."

I shrugged. "So. Are you feeling talkative?"

Babukun snapped his oversized pincers, just as we practiced, and Gato winced.

"I'll talk."

"Wonderful. Sorry Babukun, I'm sure we'll find you something tasty in the messhall later."

"Oh well. Maybe someone won't talk one day," Babukun sighed.

••••••••••

**Naruto**

••••••••••

A head suddenly popped through the doorway. "Gato, sir, radio call for you fro-" the man cut off as he viewed the tableau in front of him. The door slammed shut just as a jet of web hit it.

Sensei sighed, spitting a small jet of fluid to dissolve the web. "Hinata, Naruto. Go take him down, and check the radio room for anyone else."

Hinata dashed to the hatch and opened it, I was right after her.

"He's headed right and up," Hinata called.

"Copy!"

We ran down the halls, our speed handicapped by the tight space and the occasional box left in the way.

"Hard left coming up, then up a floor!" Hinata said as we came up to a T- intersection. We skidded to a halt, and I saw a vertical hatch and ladder path. Hinata lined herself up and jumped up to the next floor. "He's almost to the radio room!"

I jumped through as well, and I could finally see him, we must have made time on the ladder.

••••••••••

**Sasuke**

••••••••••

Akamaru's head whipped around, and he let out a yip.

"Oh? Where?" Kiba asked.

"Bark, ruff! Grrr, wuff."

"Those men who rushed past us are down stairs making noise," Kiba translated to sensei.

Tsume frowned. "Clearing a boat this size is always a pain. We probably should have dealt with them then, but… eh. We needed to capture Gato. Wish Hinata was still here to scout them." He paused in thought. "I want the three of you to go and mop up," he said, pointing at myself, Kiba, and Shino. "Check the cargo hold. They seemed headed that way when they left."

I nodded and made for the door, hearing the other two follow behind. I headed in silence, my Sharingan spinning. It was a drain on my chakra, but in the dark environment of the ship's hold I needed every advantage. Kiba followed, Akamaru sitting atop his head, with Shino in rear.

We made our way to the cargo hold, checking intersections and rooms on the way. As we approached it, I could hear a muted conversation.

"This isn't impossible. We have weapons they don't expect, and we know the ship. If we push, we can reclaim it and save Gato. Hell, we might even end up with a bonus. If we just sit here, we'll end up trapped. You don't give ninja time to think of ideas."

"You'd know, huh? Not all of us can go toe to toe with them. I think we should just stay right here and teach them what happens if they stick their noses in the room."

"That's just slow death. I can think of five ways off the top of my head of how to deal with us at no risk given ample time. If we push, we'll get the momentum back."

The three of us stopped, and we had a silent meeting with hand signals, while the targets continued to argue back and forth. Finally we decided on a plan of action, and Shino stepped past Kiba and I, opening his jacket slightly. A cloud of insects boiled out and poured across the floor.

Most likely they would take out the whole group without any issue, and we would never need to deal with whatever mysterious weapons they had.

We waited a few minutes for the insects to start working, and a gasp echoed down the hall. A nod from Shino meant it was time to enter. We busted into the hold, blowing the hatch off its hinges with my Grand Fireball. We were greeted by about a dozen men, all but one swatting themselves in panic.

The one that wasn't panicking had a mask, and tossed a cylinder at our door. I flung a kunai at it, my sharingan letting me hit it easily mid air. It burst in smoke, quickly filling the room. Visibility plummeted, and we bolted from the door. Just in time, as a series of bangs and flashes from the center of the room erupted, and sprayed the hallway we had vacated.

_Guns!_ My mind identified, but weapons like none I'd heard of before. This was firing quickly, but even as I thought it, the barrage stopped with a click.

I heard another click, and even more smoke started pouring out from the center of the room. The smoke was irritating, but I didn't feel sick, so I would assume for now it wasn't poison.

The men in the center started choking, and I could hear Akamaru whining, and coughing, presumably coming from Kiba, since it came from the same spot. A shot rang out and I heard a box splinter near the spot I had heard the whining.

Enough was enough. I didn't have too many more of these in me, but I took in a deep breath. "Grand Fireball technique!"

"Smoke and Ash technique!"

Even as my fireball flew forward, the smoke in the room lightened, and turned into a spear, piercing into my fireball and snuffing it out. It kept going, and I flung myself to the side as it smashed through several crates I had been standing in front of.

Someone (Shino?) flung several hissing kunai into the center, and suddenly explosions lit up the room.

My head was ringing, and I knew we couldn't take much more of this. We needed to see, and I had copied a technique just recently that might help.

I jumped to the ceiling, "Air bullet technique!" I fired several blindly into the center of the room, pulling smoke into the wake of each ball of air and raising the visibility some.

I saw movement and instinctively moved again. More bullets headed my way as I ran, a constant stream of lead following me down onto a wall and across it.

"Passing fang!"

A muffled scream let out shortly before it was silenced. I kept running for a few seconds before realizing the gun had stopped.

"BARK!"

"Yeah, it's all over buddy. Oh, a few are still awake." I saw Kiba's shadowy figure kick something, and I could barely hear a grunt over the ringing in my ears.

"Shino, you good?" Kiba shouted, though he was hard to hear.

"I took some wood shrapnel in my side, but my jacket took the brunt of it. The smoke killed a significant portion of my kikaichu though. Sasuke?"

"I can barely hear anything, and my chakra is low, but I'm not hurt. Let's make sure these guys aren't going to try anything and go back for healing.


	15. Chapter 15

••••••••••

**Naruto**

••••••••••

Hinata and I raced down the hall after the guard and I made a flying tackle through the hatch way. Hinata ran past me and was on the radio operator before he could turn around to see what was happening. Quickly tapping several spots on his body, he fell slack out of the chair, the headphones falling off his head, dangling on a wire. I shoved the guard's head into the floor, and he stopped straining, going slack into unconsciousness.

"That was awesome! Gentle fist is really cool!"

Hinata blushed prettily, and I suddenly had an epiphany. I really was as stupid as everyone always said. I had thought she was sick! She was blushing over me!

"Ah, you did well-" Hinata was cut off by the radio.

"This is Mei. What's going on in there? I was supposed to talk to Gato ten minutes ago! Come in, over," a woman's voice, slightly distorted by static.

I blinked at the radio. Sensei hadn't given us any directions on what to do if someone called in. I looked at Hinata, but she seemed frozen, wide eyed.

I stepped up to the machinery and pressed the biggest button. I hoped it worked like in the shows. "Uh, everything is under control. Situation normal, uh, over," I said. You're supposed to let go of the button now, right?

"What happened?"

I took a deep breath. It seemed to be working.

"Uh, had a slight weapons malfunction, one of the cannons went off. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?"

"Wha- cannon? Look, I need to talk to Gato about _-sshs-_ deal. Put him on, or I'll come over there and shoot you out of your cannon, head first."

Hinata had grabbed me by the shoulder and was waving her other hand. I shrugged.

"Uh, uh, negative, negative. We had a steam engine leak here. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak... very dangerous."

"What? I can't get there now! … Who are _-ssskkk-_ anyway? You sound too young to be the operator."

I looked over at Hinata. She was shaking her head frantically. I looked over back at the radio. I grimaced, took a deep breath...

"Okay. There's a change of plans. See, Gato isn't actually going to sell you weapons next trip. He's selling… you. I mean, your location. To the Mizukage."

There was silence on the other end. "I see. And why _-hhkkk-_ you telling me this?"

I paused. Why _was_ I telling her this? She ought to know, sure, but we were going to take care of it right?

"Well, I thought you should know. He's not a nice guy you yeah?. He's selling arms to you and Mist. Er, was."

"Was?"

Hinata seemed to be praying, but I couldn't really stop now.

"Yep. We took over his ship so he'd stop badgering our client, and his bridge would be safe. Sensei says you'd be much better in charge of Mist than the current guy."

"... Your sensei said _-ssshhh-_at hmm? Who is he?"

Hinata actually covered my mouth and pushed me back. "What, I wasn't going to tell her that. I'm not stupid."

"Are you still there, young man?"

"What are you doing? Just because we helped her incidentally, she could still be an enemy!" Hinata hissed.

"I'm diplo-mating her," I explained.

Hinata blinked, and put her hands over her face.

I moved back to the button. "Sorry, I was talking with, um, an associate. I probably shouldn't tell you who sensei is."

"Could you tell me mo_-hisssck-_ about this bridge?"

"Uh, I guess. A local is trying to build a bridge in order to make trade easier here, since Gato has mo-nop-o-lized the shipping for the area." I smiled, Sakura had taught me that word. "Gato hired a fancy ninja called Zabuza, but we dropped a spider on him by accident. Anyway, we don't really want to fight a Mist Swordsman, so we decided to take out Gato. And then we found out you were going to be sold out."

I let go of the button, and Hinata butted in, "This is a bad idea!"

I smiled. "It'll all work out! We saved her. We're practically friends!"

"Did you say Zabuza? As in one of the ex-Seven Swordsman of the Mist Zabuza?"

"I think so. He certainly had a big sword. I didn't see him for very long, what with the spider falling on him."

"What _-ssshk-_ a spider falling on him good for?"

"Well, it was a _re-eally_ big spider. We all rode home on his back."

Another pause. "I think it's about time -_skkkshh-_ fetched your sensei, and the two of us talk."

"Um, I'll do that. I can't promise he'll want too, but I'll ask!"

"You do that please."

Hinata looked faint. And probably not because she was near me. "You are going to get in so much trouble," she said, fidgeting. "You aren't supposed to be talking to ninja from other villages!"

I smiled. "Like I said, we're all practically friends here! We all want this evil kage gone, even Kurenai-sensei said so! I'm sure we can all talk about it. Let's go find Tsume-sensei."

••••••••••

**Sakura**

••••••••••

Sensei looked up from a stack of papers and frowned. "Taking care of that issue shouldn't have taken so long. I'm going to check the radio room and make sure there aren't any problems. The three of you stay here and watch Gato."

Which is how I found myself on guard duty. With Ringumo, which was fine. And Babukun. Just glancing at him sent a shiver up my spine. He… seemed nice. And maybe a bit dim. But good lord, nothing should look like that.

Gato was tied up in the corner, and still testing the ropes. I suppose he was the opposite of Babukun. Sure, he looked slightly greasy, but he was a monster on the inside rather than the outside. I had read a few of the papers Sensei had collected. I had planned on reading more… but I couldn't. I wasn't sure if we were planning on killing him or throwing him in prison, but I don't think either were truly adequate punishments. I doubted sensei was actually going to let him go. He was a man who profited off of misery, and promoted it wherever he could.

I fidgeted a bit. I was still perturbed over the revelation that Naruto somehow had the Kyuubi-no Kitsune sealed inside of him. On the one hand, Hinata was right. It didn't change anything. He was Naruto before I learned about it, and he was Naruto now that I knew.

On the other hand, it changed everything.

I understood about information control and 'need to know', but how could I trust what I learned if the instructors were fine with covering up fairly important bits of history?

Not to mention he burst into flaming red chakra! That was not normal!

"I hope Naruto and Hinata are all right," Ringumo said, breaking both the silence and my train of thought.

I turned to her and managed a weak grin. "I'm sure Hinata can keep them out of trouble. There can't be too many more people on the boat. And unless they end up in the engine room somehow, I doubt they can cause any problems."

I saw Babukun start moving his… spider jaws menacingly out of the corner of my eye. Pedipalps? He didn't look like a normal spider, I didn't know if the word applied. And I didn't really want to look too hard at him either.

"Hey. What you doing? You're tied up, yeah? Don't move around so much."

**BLAM**

My attention jerked back to Gato as the loud noise reverberated around the room. I saw a few bits of Babukun flying across the room, and felt a bit of chitin smack wetly against my cheek before it all disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"It's not the first time I've been tied up, actually," Gato said, pushing the ropes free and reaching into his jacket for something. "I learned a few tricks. Not as good as you ninja have, but you'll die just the same."

It took me the whole time he spoke to realize what had happened. Time seemed to slow down as I realized the small thing in his hand was a gun. It looked odd, like a single fire, large caliber type. Holdout pistol, if memory served. He started pulling out another bullet from his jacket, and I reacted instinctively against the threat.

I flung a hissing kunai into his shoulder, and his scream was interrupted by another loud bang, painting the filing cabinets near him in blood.

He fell against the floor, and I blinked a few times, scanning the room, expecting the replacement technique to turn the body back into a piece of furniture any moment.

Ringumo slowly moved closer. "Sakura. He's down. He's not a ninja, remember?"

I swallowed, and lowered my trio of shuriken. When had they gotten into my hand?

My whole body was... thrumming? "He killed Babukun."

Ringumo got closer. "It's fine. He's back on the spider plane. We can't really die here. Well… maybe with seals? It hurts a bit, but he went quick. Calm down, it's over."

I took a few more deep breaths. "Ah, we need him for intelligence." I ran over to Gato.

"Oh." I had been going to use a healing jutsu. But there wasn't much point. The kunai I had used had one of my exploding tags wrapped around the haft. It had literally blown his arm off at the shoulder. His face was damaged as well.

"Sakura." Ringumo took my hand and started pulling me out of the room. "Let's get out of here for now."

••••••••••

**Andoryuu**

••••••••••

I found them coming back down the hall. One brief explanation later and-

"You did _what?!"_

"I answered the radio. That Mei woman you were talking about, the one getting betrayed called. Said she needed to talk to Gato. And well, Gato wasn't going to answer, so I told her we had a steam engine leak."

I sighed. "Why?"

"Well, first I said there was a cannon misfire, but she said she was going to come over and fire _me_ out of the cannon, so I didn't want her comin-"

"I get the picture," I said, already feeling another headache coming on. "What did you tell her?"

Hinata spoke up. "He explained about the bridge, and Zabuza, and that she was going to be betrayed, and that we have the ship and Gato," she took a breath after it all came out at once. "Please don't be mad."

I paused. Took a deep breath. Pushed my glasses up and pinched my brow. Counted to ten. And finally, I spoke. "Let's talk to her then. It would be rude to leave a lady waiting on the radio."

Naruto grinned widely at Hinata. "See? I told you he'd be fine with it!"

"If this turns out badly, Naruto, you don't get ramen for a month after we get back."

Naruto's eyes shot open, as did his mouth. Finally he rebooted. "That's… you can't do that! There are rules! Even prisoners get ramen!"

I snorted. "We can have a debate on the ethics of ramen, which you will lose, _or_ we go and talk to the hopefully understanding ninja lady and try to resolve things. Your choice!"

Naruto scowled. "Fine! Come on!"

I needed to teach Naruto a lesson, but this was working fine for the plan. Trust Naruto's luck for Mei to call us. I hadn't been certain how I'd reach out to her in the first place, and now she wanted to talk to me.

The three of us made it to the radio. I hoped the rest of the genin weren't getting up to as much mischief.

I pushed the transmit button and called out: "This is Andoryu Tsume. Do I have the pleasure of speaking to Mei Terumi?"

"You do. I have a few questions."

"I thought you might. By all means, I'll answer what I can."

"_What is going on?"_

I chuckled a bit before transmitting again. It did sound unlikely. "It sounds as if my genin has filled you in on most of it. Next time we do something like this, I'll make it clear for them not to answer any communications."

"So you're a Konaha jonin, hmm?"

"Was it that obvious?"

"The only villages that would realistically do work -sskhs- Wave country are Konoha and Suna, and you don't have the accent for hidden sand."

"I'll take that as a compliment, shall I?"

"If you like. Now, I can appreciate your inadvertent help in removing my double crossing arms supplier, but do you mind telling me what you plan on doing with that boat?"

"I hadn't planned on doing anything with it really. Although I assume if I go through the _real_ manifest I'll find some interesting items?"

There was another pause. "I'd really appreciate it if you left those on the boat. You could just anchor it off shore, and no one will ever need to know this took place… Unless we win."

"One moment," I let out a sigh. This was good, she was amenable to negotiations. Her promise of favors in the future held no real weight, but she seemed fairly noble through my memories of canon. I did need a bit of time to think how I'd frame my idea. I let a little more time go by before finally answering.

"I'm personally okay with that idea. But I'm not so sure how that aligns with official foreign policy… Actually, I have a problem too. I'm pretty sure Zabuza is alive and resting his bruised body after our encounter. I could probably manage to leave a copy of all Gato's financial papers here for you to take over, if you could convince Zabuza to join your rebellion and leave us alone. He is on the run for trying to start a coup, right?"

Their side connected, then dropped off after a moment. I blinked, hoping there wasn't a technical issue. It connected again. "When you say papers, _-hskssk-_ exactly do you mean?"

Her interest was definitely peaked. "We've barely started to go through it. But whatever's here. I imagine a group of talented ninja could take a transport empire, get rid of the drug smuggling and slave trade and focus on honest work like arms running to revolutionaries. It looks like he's got enough in his account to fund a war, if one didn't mind collapsing the business afterwards. The bank account numbers must be in here somewhere, a man like that wouldn't remember them all."

More silence on their end.

"I see. I think we can convince Zabuza _-sksshs-_ you alone... One way or another. Would you mind if we spoke in person?"

"That seems doable. I hope you don't bring too many, Wave doesn't have the amenities at the moment to put up a whole crowd of hungry freedom fighters."

"Ah. Perhaps just myself and an assistant or two?"

"That seems reasonable."

"It will take me a few days. We had _-shsks-_ expecting… alternate appointments."

"Understandable. Zabuza should be under the weather for another day or so, but try to hurry. I don't have the resources to easily guard my client, his bridge and the boat at once. Frankly, the boat will be on the bottom of my list."

"I see. We'll try to get there quickly then."

"Wonderful. If that's all then?"

"I think anything else can wait until we're -shkkhs- to face."

"In that case, flagship out."

I took a deep breath and stretched. Surprise diplomacy is nerve-wracking, even if I had been expecting this at some point.

Hinata was chewing her lip, and Naruto looked like he was awaiting sentence in court.

"Is my ramen safe?"

"If she doesn't try to kill us when she gets here. I should probably ban you for a week just on principle."

Naruto whimpered.

I suddenly felt Babukun leave this plane. Forcibly.

"Something happened. Get back where we came from. I'm going ahead, drag them with you." I indicated to the two sleeping bodies as I raced off.

••••••••••

Ringumo

••••••••••

I led Sakura out of the room. This was probably her first kill. We should both have been paying more attention to Gato, but I don't think any of us had expected him to have been able to free himself.

We were out in one of the cramped hallways now, and I went up against the wall and sat down, pulling Sakura down with me.

"Wha-?!"

"Shh." I could tell she was still shaken. Either by Babukun, or Gato. Probably both. I've gotten forced back before. It hurts. Not as much as she probably thought, but it wasn't something you wanted to happen.

I manhandled her so we were both sitting down, leaning back. Me into the wall, and her into me.

"You did the right thing. He was a threat, and you removed it."

"He wasn't a fighter. I could have walked up and smacked the gun out of his hand. I could have beaten him with both hands tied behind my back."

"True, but he surprised us both, and just shot Babukun. This just means you have good instincts."

"I still shouldn't have used an exploding kunai."

I wrapped my arms around her. "Perhaps. He was going to kill us. Have you ever seen a gun before? It was my first time." Sakura started to relax a bit. I could feel tension slowly leaving her body.

"Me too. I've seen pictures. They told us about them in class."

We sat there for a bit in silence.

"Have you killed anyone before, Ringumo?"

"I eat things I catch regularly. At least we kill them first. Some of the clans…"

"Eurgh. Not what I meant though."

"I know. Yeah. I had to defend myself in the clan war Tsume finished. I've also killed a few humans helping Tsume."

"Oh."

...

"In the war, the Mizugumo clan once tricked Tsume. Once. Well, maybe more than that, but I remember this one. They had him lead an offensive against what we thought was a very important target pretty far from home. Most of the clan had left. I was too young to go, and most of the others with me were younger, or too old to fight. While the force was out, the Mizugumo attacked. I had to activate the Golden Silk defense, since I was nearly the only direct descendant of Jorougumo still at home."

"What's the Golden Silk defense?"

"It's a massive web that surrounds our tree. You probably couldn't have seen it where we were, and it's hard to see unless you look for it specifically. If you activate it, it becomes harder than diamond, and we have it set up so that when the wind makes the branches move even slightly, it all dances about. Hmmm, I've heard your 4th Hokage was famous for taking out a whole bunch of ninja at once, right?"

"The Golden Flash. Yeah, during the last war he took out an entire flank of ninja. No one really knows how it worked."

"The Golden Silk is our ultimate defense. Mom can use it offensively, because she's awesome, but it's normally only used to protect the tree. I was barely able to activate it. I won't be able to make one for… decades probably. The Mizugomu retreated. But not before hundreds died."

Sakura gasped.

"I did it to save our home and everyone in it."

Sakura nodded weakly.

…

"Does it get easier? The jonin seem to just do it without any thought."

I thought about my answer. "I'm an obligate carnivore. It may be different for me. It becomes trivial, to be honest. I'm not sure if that's good though."

…

"How did you get so wise?"

"I'm older than you, silly."

Sakura tensed up, and I hugged her again.

"Seriously?" Sakura asked, incredulously.

"In spider years? Yeah."

"Oh."

I grinned. "I've found the secret to wisdom is playing fetch."

Sakura snorted, then started chuckling. A few seconds later she was laughing, and I joined in.

...

"Ringumo? Thanks."

I smiled, and hugged her a bit tighter. "Of course."

"... I'm getting up now."

"Why?"

"You're still naked, and your nipples are poking me in my back."

"Oh. Sorry."

"I'll overlook it this time. When we get back to civilization, we're going shopping. You need a few things. Like a bra."

••••••••••

**Sasuke**

••••••••••

We returned victorious, if slightly limping and with a ringing in our ears.

I overheard conversation as we approached the room Gato was being held in. "... going shopping. You need a few things. Like a bra."

I shuddered. Clothes shopping. I turned the corner to find Sakura standing up and Ringumo on the floor.

I blinked.

Kiba bumped into my back, and Shino slid out of the way, then stopped, probably having heard at least as much as I had.

Ringumo hopped up as well. "I don't know, clothing is awfully restrictive."

Sakura shook her head. "I have a feeling this is going to be an ongoing thing until you get some clothes. It's awkward."

I reminded myself this was probably completely innocuous.

That didn't mean I couldn't imagine.

"I assume Babukun is watching Gato?"

Sakura jerked, and had her hand in her weapon pouch before she stopped suddenly. She swallowed and flushed.

Ringumo put a hand on her shoulder. "Not exactly. There was an incident… Uh, you guys don't look so great yourself."

"They put up more resistance than expected," Shino said in his typical dry manner.

Akamaru suddenly barked and ran into the room.

Kiba followed, with Shino and I following. The girls stayed outside.

"Oh. I had thought all that blood stench was coming from us," Kiba muttered.

Gato was on the ground, with his right arm several yards away.

Sakura and Ringumo entered the room as well, and I looked back at them.

"Incident?" I managed without _too_ much inflection.

Sakura frowned and looked away.

"I distracted Sakura, and Gato got free from his ropes somehow. He had a gun and shot Babukun, sending him back to the spider plane. Sakura disabled him before he could reload."

I looked back at the scene. On the one hand, I was tempted to call this pathetic. After our run in with firearms, though, I couldn't really throw stones. We resorted to fireballs and explosives pretty quickly.

Shino broke my thoughts. "Well, at least you acted decisively. Babukun isn't permanently injured, correct?"

Ringumo shook her head. "No, it's quite unpleasant, but we know what can happen before we come over here."

Shino nodded. I figured I had better say something. "Well, at least you're both all right."

Sakura nodded slightly. She still wasn't looking at us. Or Gato.

Kiba tapped Akamaru with the tip of his sandal, and the dog looked up at him, before trotting over and jumping up against Sakura's leg.

Sakura bent over and picked him up.

"Thanks Kiba," she said, petting Akamaru.

Kiba looked discouraged by being so easily seen through, but shrugged.

"Would you mind healing my chest, Sakura? I'm still bleeding a little from a wooden crate exploding into it."

Sakura became alert. "Of course! Um, I'm not great with lacerations yet, but I can close them up and dress it."

"Thank you." Shino started taking off his jacket, before pausing. "Actually, if you would just treat and dress it, that would probably be for the better," he said, resuming to strip.

"What, why?"

"Since you are new to healing techniques, there are… nuances with Aburame physiology."

Shino pulled off his shirt, and revealed several shallow, angry red wounds, as well as many small holes networking across his skin.

Sakura blinked, momentarily taken aback, then nodded. "Oh, right. I can use the standard ointments right?"

Shino nodded, and looked away.

"Sasuke, I'm feeling hungry. You want to see if Akamaru and I can find something to eat in the mess?"

I shrugged. There wasn't anything left to guard here. "Hn. Why not. We should still remain in pairs anyway."

Ringumo bounced to her feet. "I'll come! Snacks!"

"Stay safe," Sakura called over her shoulder, a small kit of bandages and ointments open in her lap.

••••••••••

**Sakura**

••••••••••

I held up a bottle. "Can I use alcohol as a disinfectant?"

"Yes. Try to limit the total area you cover to just around the wounds though," Shino cautioned.

I poured it into my cupped hand, the scent already making my eyes water. That at least meant a high alcohol content. "This will sting."

"I know. This is not my first time getting hurt." He sounded slightly amused, and was still looking straight ahead.

I bit my lip. "Sorry. It's my first time doing this for real."

He looked back at me. "Oh. Right. Sorr- hgn."

He bit off a hiss as I gently rubbed it into the area. With my clean hand, I ran over his back and sides. "Just checking for any more splinters."

"Right," he answered with a nod.

"Here, lift your arm. I need better access." I grabbed his hand and draped it over my shoulder to keep his arm high and out of the way.

_I will not blush. I will not blush._

I ran through the seals for the breeze campfire jutsu sensei taught us. The alcohol evaporated almost immediately.

Shino shivered. "Cold."

"Sorry. Ointment now."

I rubbed the ointment into Shino's side, over the wounds. Thankfully they weren't deep, but they still needed treatment to prevent infection.

Behind his ever present sunglasses, he studied me. I flushed under the scrutiny.

"What?" I asked, a little bit annoyed. His own cheeks colored, very slightly.

"Forgive me. I have not had a girl see me this… exposed before," he admitted with a slight pause. For anyone else it would have been a stutter. I flushed harder, and scowled.

"I-" a sudden thought struck me. "We don't have to get married now, do we?" I asked on impulse. He raised an eyebrow. I shook my head. "I-I mean, I know how some clans can be a bit, um, old fashioned and well…"

"More than likely Hinata would not have been placed on our team had our clans possessed such archaic laws," Shino said calmly. I nodded. "Also, I would have told you beforehand."

"O-0kay… Right. Of course. Sorry. Um, no offense," I said quickly, eyes averted.

He was silent for a moment. "Would marriage to me be that unpleasant?"

"What? No! I-I mean, that's not what I meant!" I insisted quickly.

"Good. I did not wish to bug you," he stated.

I gaped in disbelief as I saw the corner of his mouth tilt up. "Wha- was that a _joke?"_

"... Was it funny?" Shino asked, with another pause. I smiled at him, and chuckled despite the surreal nature of the situation.

"Well… Now, yes," I said. Shino nodded. "You don't seem the type. To make jokes, I mean."

He just barely shrugged, and I felt his wrist slide slightly across my shoulder as my fingers continued bandaging his wounds. "Humor is the only sane way to deal with an insane world," he said philosophically.

I blinked. "I guess I try and figure out why it's insane."

"Oh?"

"You can't change something if you don't understand it," I explained. Shino nodded.

"Is that why you pursue Uchiha, then?" He asked. "To understand and change him?"

I would have stumbled, were we standing. I gaped at how direct Shino was being, but he simply stared back, impassively.

"I… you think he's crazy?"

"... Not particularly, especially for a ninja. It was a bit of a segue, I admit." He stared at me as I wrapped bandages around his arm. "Do _you_ think he's crazy?"

I shook my head, "He's a lot less mysterious now, having been on a team with him."

"So you have understanding. Now you can change him?"

"I don't want to- look, you started this weird analogy. Anyway, I don't think anything can really change him."

"So… Why pursue him?" Shino asked.

I opened my mouth. I didn't really know what to say. Thankfully I didn't need to. "Look at that. All done."

Shino just nodded.

••••••••••

**Andoryuu**

••••••••••

I rushed down the halls back to where I had left Babukun. There shouldn't have been anyone left who could take him out. While he wasn't a particularly good fighter, even most genin would be wary of taking him on, if only from the appearance.

With the tight corridors, hatchways, and tight corners, I couldn't move as quickly as I wanted, and it took me several minutes to get up a deck and across the ship.

I found Sakura applying bandages to a topless Shino out in the hall.

I blinked. It was not the situation I expected to find.

"Look at that. All done," Sakura declared. Shino nodded.

"Um. Situation report?"

Sakura jerked slightly, she must have been focused on the bandaging job. "Well. Uh, we had… an issue. Everyone's safe."

"Babukun got sent back," I disagreed.

"Well, yes." She sighed. "Ringumo and I were chatting for a moment, and suddenly Babukun exploded, and Gato freed himself and was reloading a pistol. So I kind of panicked and blew his arm off with an exploding kunai."

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out for a moment. "... Oh." I looked at Shino. "And what's the story with your group?"

"We met heavier resistance than expected. There were thirteen men armed with guns, some of which are not types we've been told about in class. One was a genin or possibly chunin, and our ambush was not completely effective. The survivors are all tied up and unconscious now. I received some wooden shrapnel from a crate that got blown up. Kiba, Sasuke, and Ringumo went to look for snacks, while I was treated. I suspect we'll all need some healing for hearing loss. The ninja had some sort of rapid fire gun, and we're all experiencing tinnitus. The smoke and explosions killed much of my kikaichu swarm, but I should be recovered within a few days."

Well, no wonder Mei wanted this shipment. If someone had managed to make a man portable fully automatic gun, that would be a game changer. Technically the material science was available to make something like the AK-47, or possibly some kind of primitive machine-pistol style smg. If that was true, I definitely needed to confirm and report this. Perhaps even destroy them before they got to Mei.

"Alright, we can save the full debrief until we get back, I'm sure Kurenai will want to hear it as well. I'm going to check on Gato, then I need to see these new weapons. I can probably help with your ears as well when I get back."

"Thank you."

I went in. Huh. She really did blow his arm off.

I sighed. He was doomed already, but I had hoped to get more information out of him first.

I crossed the room and examined Gato. Apparently his shoulder caught one of Sakura's exploding tag wrapped kunai. Nice work, in a sense. It was definitely overkill, but it was better to over do it than under do it. I could work with this. I couldn't work with dead students.

I moseyed back outside ( I can do a mean mosey on occasion), "Nice throw, but next time try to save the exploding kunai for ninja."

"Yes sir," Sakura responded, blushing slightly.

I shrugged. "No big loss. I kind of doubt he was the type to micro manage everything. He probably paid just enough attention to make sure no one was cheating him out of his cash."

Naruto and Hinata appeared, dragging their two captives behind. Kiba, Sasuke and Ringumo entered through the other end of the hallway with snacks and some bottles.

"Good timing. You all stay here, I need to look at those weapons, but I think this is basically all wrapped up. We're going to dock, incapacitate anyone left at the docks, and throw all these bums on land."

"I thought we were going to anchor the boat out in the water, so Mei could collect it?" Naruto asked.

"No, that's what I said so she'd have a sense of urgency. The plan was to leave them alone, but now we're going to have enough variables in play. I want all the minions corralled, which means we're going to spend the night making a jail."

A collective groan went through the halls as the kids realized they were in for lots of manual labor.

"It's that or we kill them all. There's no practical way to keep this many people tied up without them dehydrating or getting loose."

Thankfully no one seemed to take the killing them option too seriously.

"Hang on a moment," Kiba finished swallowing an onigiri and asked with a frown, "Wasn't Mei the woman from mist? When did you talk with her?"

"Naruto decided to answer the radio. I'm sure he'll tell you all about it when he explains to Kurenai how we got wrapped up in international politics."

Naruto's eyes grew wide.

I smiled. "By the way, I decided that if you do a good job with that, your ramen is safe."

He swallowed. "Thanks?"

Author's Note: This is the end of weekly updates. The story is still being written, but IRL stuff is slowing the pace down. AJT and I have a bit of ch 16 done, but it's going to take a while probably. We're both still excited to work on the project, but real life takes precedence. Thanks for understanding, and hopefully things will get back to normal and we can speed back up some more, although I doubt we'll be putting them out every single week again.


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